Controlling Husband

Hi there Sweetie,

I know what you are going through, my husband is almost the same way, he just does not tell me what to wear, but he is very secretive, he does not allow me to be on his bank account, his excuse is I am not a good spender. Girl we need to stand up to this, I am starting by educating myself in all the ways of educating, so that if things don't get better (after the counseling we are going through) I can have somewhere to be and not worry if I can support myself and my 2 boys. I wish you the best. stay in touch...

D. P.

Hello N.! You are in a scary place right now! I used to be in one of those situations, and HAD to get out. I wasn't married, so I know you have that to deal with, plus you have been with him forever! I would get out, before it gets abusive, that's what happened to me, and no man should put his hands on you!

There's this place in Downtown Salem that assesses the controlling males of the females in couples and the assessment counselor will have an one-to-one with the male. Most often, the males will deny then the staff will offer the females some options what to do and let the female make the choice. Rarely, the males will be surprised and realize, then become nice to the females. The address is approximately east on Chemeketa until turn right at the end of the road. There's a nice 1900's house on your right side with a sign that says a name. You park parallel with your car and walk up the stairs. The woman will often be on your left side once inside the house. There's a nice up-stairway in front of you. I forgot the name and the address, been over 3 years. I left my man a long time ago. It's for the better in my particular situation. I hope yours differ.

I recommend going to Dr. Phil's web site. He's had some programs on this issue. He's also written some good books. One that I recommend is Relationship Rescue. His full name is Phil McGraw. His wife has recently had a book published entitled Inside my Heart: Choosing to LIve. I haven't seen it yet but I think it's about how she grew and it might be pertinent.

I too wonder how he treats you, not only when you disobey. If he hits you or in any way physically hurts you get out of there. If he's just bossy then you could take the time to build up your self-esteem so that you realize that no one has the right to control you and that control is not love. It's fear. If he will go to counseling with you that would be the best.

Hi N.,
I have a couple of questions, 1. Did your husband become controlling more so after you started working for the same company? 2. Was he some what controlling through out your marriage but just recently got worse?

I am a Christian so I would suggest that you talk to a pastor if you go to church. Pray about it. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, and maybe some counseling because no one should control another person. Even though when we are united as husband and wife to become one, we are still individuals. Before I became a Christian I would have said get rid of him....lol but God has changed my heart and when your married you need to try every avenue to make the marriage work. Good Luck and God Bless

I think if you have to ask what to do, you're in too deep. It can be hard to realize that you've come under the influence of a controlling personality, as gaining control of a person takes time. Ask yourself why you tolerate this behavior, and whether you want your daughters to think that being controlled by a man is acceptable. Ask yourself if you want your son to grow up and act this way towards his wife.

Whatever you decide to do, get therapy. If he won't get therapy with you, get therapy by yourself. People become controlled by others because they accept it - this usually relates to self-esteem issues.

Good luck.

I feel for you N.. My husband is also very controlling, everything from money to how the children should be disiplined to how much I work to where and when I go places.
It can be extremely distressful, I find that if you are butting heads too much, counselling might help ?
Myself I am about 2 arguements away from divorce, so before it gets to this 'last resort' stage, try telling him how you feel. Write down a list of things that are the most important to address and sit down with him and calmly explain that you're being hurt and why it needs to stop.
I hope you manage to get back on track.

My ex-husband was like this. It wasn't just my clothes either - my hair, job, how I lived, who I spent time with, etc. How does he handle it when you don't do what he wants? How does he handle your children? It's a question of how far you think he'll go, whether or not you think it could harm your kids. If you need someone to talk to and bounce things off of, consider seeking a counselor...it would be even better if your husband would go with you. However, he may not think there is a problem. Most controlling people never think they are doing anything wrong. But, consider your options, get support from your family (not always advice, just support) and do what's best for your children.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and hell if he would ever tell me what to wear or anything else for that matter. I personally don't believe at all in the traditional male and female roles. And I definitely don't believe in controlling behavior, it can only lead to more dangerous behavior. Take a quick look at your life, what do you want, what kind of example do you want to lead for your two girls and your son for that matter?

It isn't easy now, but as time passes, it won't get any easier.

I am going to ask you why are you still with this guy? He is controlling you because you have allowed it over the years. Have you ever asked yourself what this guy is doing behind your back in "his" room? Is he on puter, chatting to other women, even having a secret affair which all of this could be possible, and he could be doing it behind your back seems like he into himself and not worrying about you or his kids, sounds like you 2 are "TIRED" of each other and if that is the case then you 2 should not be together because sooner than later you will be arguing and doing things you never imagined was possible you will find yourself doing and then create and add to the already stressful situation this is not good because your kids see how "HE" treats you and controls you and soon those kids will be doing the same thing not good again. I hope you find it in yourself to ask yourself what is really important here? I have been with the same man for 17 years unmarried I too have my own room and he does as well but it is because we are both on different schedules, I do not work I am a stay at home mom, I am free to go and do as I wish and so is he but we both "PARENT" our child. I take care of the responsasbilities of the home he takes care of the finacial it is a 50/50 relationship sounds like to me he has you under locking key and caged and you ahve allowed this. Once you allow it is hard to get back you independence. The only thing I can reccomend is you you keep trying but after all those years and it is still not working then you need to do something about it. Take care and wish you well.

There is a book that someone told me about. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". I plan on reading it....also, there is a wonderful book called "Ditch that Jerk"....I know the title sounds a little harsh, but these are not man hater books in any way. They just offer really great information. I think it would really be worth your time if you can find these. The Library should have them. Also remeber that your husband and yourself are modeling for your children and even if it happens behind closed doors, they will learn it. Children tend to take their identity from their fathers. There may be help for him and these books will REALLY help you to put into perspective whats going on, why its happening, (not your fault) and if there is help for him. Sometimes there is :) I hope this helps. Good luck!! I just read your "What Happened" post....The worst thing you could do right now is nothing. I have been through DV relationships and made a LOT of bad choices before finally making the right choices for myself and my children. I spent 6 months in a DV shelter with my children, and have since taken many classes and really educated myself on anything and everything to do with relationships, abusive relationships, children/parenting and behavior. Please get as much information as you can and educate yourself as much as possible. I believe in personally giving 100% to make a relationship work, so that way if it dosent, I at least know I did everything I could. However, giving 100% dosent mean being miserable or subjecting your children to less than acceptable behaviors. Good luck!!

I would suggest counseling. If you have insurance, super. If you don't, trust me - pay the money and go to someone just to get these issues laid out on the table. My sister has a husband like that and he does that because his first wife left him after 'changing her hair and clothes' and so he tries to control her in that way.

Keep us posted!

please visualize your precious girls, in 10 years, with boyfriends or husbands who behave in such a manner to them. Your heart will ache and they will be miserable. Please break the cycle by asserting yourself. If there is a fear factor, then this relationship needs separation and healing. You and he are modeling "correct" behavior for your children, and the cycle cannot be broken by anyone but you.
Be brave. Do the right thing by your kids and break the cycle. Please, for their dignity AND yours. God Bless.

my question is what happens when you dont do what he wants? what if you wear whatever you want to? If you are afraid to try it you need to re-think your choices. Nobody should control you down to what you wear, I will take sugestions or constructive critizism from my husband and he from me but that is a far as it goes. Controlling behavior only gets worse not better without some serious counseling. Please get some therapy for him maybe both of you. This will effect your children later on if not nipped in the bud now. Good luck.

Hi N. well only thing i can think of is going to counseling and being with other person there being counselor you could bring it up. and maybe see if he is willing to fix the problem. if not then it is not meant to be casue no woman deserves to be controled. i hope he is willing to fix it. i am here if you need.
your friend,
H.

The only way a man can control you like that is either beacause you deep-down like havibg someone else being controlling over you or you fear him and what might happen if you don't follow his rule! If it is from the fear, there is help. Leave Him!!!!!!!!! Fear comes from knowing he might hurt you or the kids if you disobey. Even if he's never done it yet. You and your kids should not live with that possibity or even the fear of it! I did it with my kids when I was younger and finally I left. It seems hard to do, but it's right for you and the kids and you will see after you're gone, how easy it was and wonder why you couldn't see that clear before. Or you could just go on living with the nut for a few more years and just hope nothing bad happens. Even if you try to keep him happy by obeying, he will just keep seeking more and more control and this type of person doesn't always need a reason to be mad or go off! These type of men will never change, mellow out or go to counsiling and be changed! If you would like to write me back for ANY reason, please feel free!

I have been in that situation before and from my experience it only gets worse. If you can talk to him and he actually will listen that is a start I would suggest couple counseling and if he will go that will help. Otherwise the frustration of being controlled only builds up inside of you and that isn’t good for you, your kids or your relationship. In my situation he refused to talk about it or go to counseling. I tried to stick it out and make it work but we ended up splitting up because I can’t handle being controlled like that. I don’t mind an opinion but when you are a grown women you don’t need to be told what to do all the time. I hope this helps some.

Dear N., don't give up your power
to straighten out things. Use your inner
power to lead you. I know you are in too
much of pressure & pain.Your husband acts
just like a blind folded man, he doesn't
really recognizing how it hurts you and kids.
Please know that for everything there
is an appointed time, so until you win your
goal keep running & let our Eternal Father work on you
and your family. So try to make him understand whatz happening.
Now he should absolutely respect your rights. If that doesn’t works Give him hints that you are going to leave him, just pretend that way. If he is still the same old man….I would suggest, since you have a solid job in hand, don't hesitate
to take the ultimate decision. You have to go miles and miles before you sleep. Good Luck Dear Natasha…

I just left an eighteen year marriage because of behavior like this. I does not get better. It got to the point that we were controling eachother. Start setting up something for you rimmediate future. Find out where you can get help with your children first. The hardest part is when he tries to get you back. Just always remember how you feal now. Also, you don't want your children growing up thinking this behavior is acceptable. That is exactly what they will learn if you stay, then they will either be dominent (boys) or submissive (girls) when it is time for their personal relationships. Then they will feal the same way you do. A.

Mu ex-husband was controlling too. It happens slowly over time and you don't really realize it. SEems in order to make themselves feel better they have to make you one peg lower. This is harsh, but I would live your husband if he won't get counseling. Life is too short to put up w/not being able to be the real you. If a man makes your world seem smaller then he's not worth it. A man should make your world feel bigger by letting you have some independence and grow and become a better person. A man that won't let you do that has issues and they aren't w/you, but w/in himself. I've seen too many unhappy women in grocery stores, etc and I hear how their husbands treat them and I see their sad faces as if the spunk just isn't in them anymore. I'd much rather be alone (and I was for 2 years as a single parent) than have some one slowly chip away at me until you no longer know who you are.

If he will go to counseling and actually do the work involved and change that would be great. But I warn you that once a man passes 30 unless there's some major life event (to give them a new perspective on life) they rarely change. They may change temporarily to keep you around, but you deserve a man that will make a permanent change for you. It's hard to end a long relationship, but I was w/my ex 10 years and married for 7 years. There comes a point where you have to cut your losses and move on so you can save yourself. I loved my ex too, but after being away from him I could see things so clearly as to who he really was and saw that I wasn't as happy as I could have been. I didnt' believe in divorce, but at the time it just seems like little things that you sweep under the rug, but they fester over time.

I took a chance by divorcing my ex (I have 2 kids and had quit my job to stay home w/them), but I like myself a lot better and feel like I can be myself. I learned what I needed to change in me that I stayed w/a controlling man. Plus, I found a much better boyfriend who seems to be my missing puzzle piece (hate to sound sappy, but it's true). If I hadn't taken a chance I would have become more unhappy, etc. You can love a man alot, but doesn't mean you are happy w/yourself.

The saying goes: That people only get away with what we allow them to get away with. I do know it is like the frog in the pot of boiling water when it adds up little by little till one day it is suffocating as you know now. I would suggest a good church's pastoral counselling for starts if you want this marriage to last. If that is not something you can't or won't do together, I suggest any kind of counselling. Something is better then nothing. A good marriage counsellor can be found even at the local agencies on a sliding fee scale if money is a big hinderance or insurance is not available to cover private counsellor. Trust me on this: His controlling behaviour is HIS problem, but he is making it yours, and soon enough your daughters. YOU must get some counselling or if he is not willing, try seperation. It will only get worse as time goes by. It never gets better on its own. This is paranoid, insecurity. It is His problem. Don't let it become yours and your childens. It will only make them very insecure and neurotic too.

I have one question for you.
Would you want your daughter's to grow into relationships like the one you have with your husband? Because they WILL. Mother's show an example for there daughter's just as son's for there father's. I will bet you right now that your son will be the spitting image of his father and your daughters will turn into you when they all grow up. You need to get out for there sake. I know you love him but that's b*** S***!!! NO ONE should have to live like that. I don't care how much you love him you need to GET out and take those kids with you. Do you ever watch Maruy when those men are on the show telling there woman that they can't look at certian things or dress a certian way? Those men are only doing those things because they are very insecure and if you follow his rules then that gives him a power over the relationsip that he should'nt have.

You are so much better than that!! you can get a great man who will warship the ground you walk on and let you help him pick out clothes for him. You are a beautiful woman and your wasting your beuty on this scum bag who does'nt even deserve to breathe the same air as you. Rise up and leave the man! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

By the way I know your ready to leave him because you asked our opinions. So what are you waiting for?!?!?! go already!!! I'll help you through this if you need someone to talk to!

Hi N.,

I am experiencing some of that in my own marriage and my husband and I have been married for 8 years. Although he is not that extreme. I realized that you have to find the power within in order to stand up for yourself in a loving way. It's not about fighting, or winning an argument , it is more about finding who you really are and gently explaining to him that you are a big girl and you can make decisions for yourself. That he needs to somehow trust that you can lead your own life. But more than anything when you start believing that for yourself, he will pick up on your vibe and start treating you like you can make decisions on your own. Sometimes we've been treated in this way for so long we forget that we can change this situation and teach our spouses how to treat us better. I have been a victim for so long and now i choose not to be. I simply say no to my husband no, and walk away, and if he asks me why, i say because i don't want to. He is learning that i do things differently than he does, and that i wear what i feel like wearing that day.

I know that for my husband, he really feels like he is helping me and not being controlling, you may just want to talk to him and ask him why he feels the need to tell you what to do all the time, and then reassure him that you will ask him for advice or suggestions when you need it.
Hope this help, man i can so relate, and it is truly painful when you feel like there's no hope he can change, but remember you can change you.....
Good luck
Much Love G.

I have been in the counseling field for some years, and the only thing that worries me is that when a man feels he has to control other people is because they are lacking trust or that they feel their own lives are out of control. I would suggest that you may consider talking with your husband and seeking professional help. Sometimes those who become to controlling can also revert to violence which is never a good thing. Your husband may not even realize he is as controlling as he is so maybe just talking might be good but if it is not enough I would definitely seek counseling! Good Luck to you!

N.,

I hate to say this Honey, but you are being abused. My ex was the same way to me. He even accused me of having an affair with someone at work. It's not worth walking on egg shells for the rest of your life. It took me 9 years to realize what was going on. When he started threatening my children, I had him physically removed from the home. CPS was going to take the kids, and that's what it took for me. I took a lot of beatings, was emotionally, verbally, sexually abused by him.

It's time to get out now, before it gets worse!

God Bless and good luck

Dosen't sound like he loves you as much as you love him. My husband has never tried to control anything I have ever did or said, except when I went to nursing school. He hated it(which shocked me), but I knew I wanted to give my children a good life and not have to work so hard for so little. Anyway nursing school was not his decision to make it was mine it took almost till graduation before he came around, but he loved me and even though he didn't like it he knew he couldn't control me. Let your husband know although you love him and appreciate his insight your an adult womand with a brain of your own. I was raised by a single mom so I guess that was always instilled in me that a man is nice , but I don't need one. Good luck. Hope things work out for you.

N., Oh dear, when I read your problem, it hit me so hard. I was married to my husband for a little over 20 years. We got together when I was 17, he was 24. At first, he was not controlling but as the years went by, he became more and more controlling. In the beginning, it was flattering because it was not serious and was not in the way of anything, but it became to be a really serious and hurtful thing in our relationship. What I did not realize was that this was "his" problem and his alone. He was dealing with depression and this was his way of controlling SOMETHING. He didn't have control over many things while dealing with depression so this was something that he could control. Many years went by with me feeling like I had no life, no way out, I was beginning to really hold this against him and I began to dislike him greatly. When he started getting help for his depression, things changed a lot. Unfortunately, he was one of the macho types and felt that any medicine he had to take for despression made him weak and therefore, he quit his meds after a year or so, he was dead within 5 months of stopping his antidepressants. He completed suicide. Now when I look back, it was help that he needed and I feel that if I had really known what he needed I could have gotten him the help he so desperately needed back then. I can only use my experience to help others. It's not you, it's nothing you're doing wrong. You are simply being the person you are, a beautiful woman who wants to feel and look her best, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Talk to his family or close friends in confindence and see if there's any help they can lend in getting your husband some help with his self-esteem, perhaps it will help, I hope.

This is the first step in an abusive relationship. It is called control and it is turning into isolation( (him having problems with you spending time with your brother). I'm guessing he's already cut your friends out of the picture...
Distance yourself where you can, find a different job.
Re-affirm that you are an individual, even if its choosing not to eat the same thing for dinner as everyone else.
SEEK THERAPY...even if its just for yourself.
Know when to leave and do it
God Bless

Wow, dejavu! Been there, except for him picking out my clothing...I left. No matter how much I loved him, the final straw came when after all I went through he accused me of having an affair! (on the net, with my gal friend I talked to all the time)
He would not talk to me, he would run to my sister's house and whine to her. (I never heard him whine...only yell, or threaten)
I have hypoglycemia, so I had to close us in my room (I shared with our daughter, he had had his "own room" for quite some time, so this was coming), and started packing. I went to my parent's house, and stayed there. "Hubby" called, and when he put down his further restrictions, I told him "then I'm not coming home" and hung up on him.
He had further tantrum, and served divorce papers on me. Now we're divorced.

Central Christian Church has a great series going on called Relationships 911. This past weekend sevice was called "Help I'm married!" Really good advice. And you can also watch it on line at- http://www.centralchristian.com/home.asp Really awesome church, you should check it out! I think you would really enjoy it.... Good Luck.

M.

Maybe he is having an affair-I've heard that when a husband treats you like you can't be trusted it's because it's really them that can't.What's he doing in that room that he's gaurding so much?Sounds like you're in a very voltile situation-get outside help ASAP.

geez... my husband insists that i go out with my friends and doesn't really care what i wear unless i am showing too much skin. which in that case i understand cause i wouldn't want him doing it either. he also has 'his room' but if i ask him to come out and hang out with me or go do something he will. you are not his child you are his wife! don't let him make you irritated and stressed, it is not worth it! your children will see what is going on when they are older and will learn from you. you don't want your girls treated that way by their husbands do you?

I hate to say it, but usually when a man is so insecure and untrusting like that, he's probably not going to change. I've experienced an extremely possessive and controlling boyfriend, and it was misery the entire time. He was convinced I was going after anyone. It was the summer and I wore a tank top and he was convinced I was showing off my body. Remember, no one can tell you how to live your life except for you. You are not a prisoner or a slave, so your husband should NEVER treat you as such.

I know it sounds hard but, you HAVE to find some way or another to resolve this now, otherwise you are unfortunately headed for heart ache. This sounds a lot like my parents' marriage that lasted almost 20 years, then ended dramatically and hurtfully. All the years of his control and secrecy and my mom not standing up for herself had created a pattern that just was not fixable. I don't want to scare you but it turned out my dad was having affairs. Your husband probably isn't, BUT maybe down the road if you don't open the lines of communication NOW! I sound so harsh, but really I just feel for you and I'd HATE to see ANYONE go through what my family has. A little confrontation and maybe hurt feelings now is definitely worth it. Otherwise everything just gets swept under the rug, you'll grow more and more resentful and be having to try harder and harder to "act' like evrything is OK. I don't know if I make any sense, but I strongly believe communication is THE KEY to a successful marriage. If my husband steps on my toes I let him know immediately, we may get a little irritated with each other for a few minutes, but then it is resolved and we always know where we stand with eachother. We are best friends and I think it is only because we talk everything out. Oh, I feel for you I hope i was more help than hurt and good luck.

N.,

Is your husband the type of person you can talk to about how his actions are making you feel? If he is, I would try to start there. I went through a stage of depression after the death of my mother, and my husband had to take over. He got so used to taking care of me, and everyone else, that now that I am "better", it is hard for him to let go of that control. I don't know your situation, but I was able to sit my husband down, and talk to him. I thanked him for his help and let him know I needed the opportunity to take care of myself. If he is not the type of man that you can talk to, I'm afraid you have a bigger problem than I have dealt with. Just remember that your children are like sponges, they absorb everything. They see everything. They need to see a strong mommy. One who not only cares for them, but for herself. I will pray for you and your family.

Get out! Think of the example his controllnig behavior sets for your children.

Hi N.,

I'm sorry to hear of your personal struggles with your individual choices and decisions vs. your husbands. This can be something that you can overcome IF this is behavior is something that has been brought on and is a new behavior for him. Unfortunately, it can be more challenging if this is something he shows traits of prior to your marriage but you were hoping he'd 'change' or 'get better'.

We as women for some reason seem to think that we can always change a man and mold him into what we feel he should be like. The only person we have control of is ourselves. So, part of your journey will be to take a look at you and how you put yourself in this relationship. Do you constantly put yourself last in things because you put everyone else and their needs in front of your own? Do you find that your self esteem and self confidence turns to him for that validation your seeking to feel important?

As mothers we naturally feel that we are the least important in the home when we have a family to nurture and care for. But, so importantly we need to realize that if we arent nurturing ourselves we are actually robbing others from our true potentiality and love. We give and give and give and eventually there will be very little left. So, I would ask you to take a look at how your taking care of yourself, possibly how your responding to him in the demands on you with your clothing,etc. If he is willing counseling and talking about why he feels he needs to put these requests/demands on you would be very beneficial to himself and your relationship.

I can speak from personal experience, and know that the man is the one that is not feeling very confident or secure with himself so he portrays his fears on you. And controlling, jealous and obsesive men also thrive off of the way we react to them. Now, obviously there are extreme cases and many different scenarios for this type of behaviour in both men and women. So, if your interested I could get you some wonderful books to reference for reading and self empowerment to help you with you, and then the rest will come into form if it was in fact meant to be resolved. I love your childrens names, beautiful!