Contemplating Divorce...need Advice

If you can walk away without any feelings of anger, betrayal, etc., then, you know you're ready. You truly have to get to the point to where nothing he can say or do bothers you. Second, ask yourself would you want your daughter in this type of situation as an adult? Would you want her to live like you do? Whatever she sees at home, not matter how "dysfunctional" will be her normal and she'll accept it as such in her relationships.
I was in your position with a 20 year old step daughter. I think her goal was to stir up trouble, and did she! He, too, refused counseling, etc. I went to counseling by myself. Of course, then, I was the crazy one. Finally, after six years, I was able to walk away, not caring if he won the lottery or slept on the street. I tried everything and did my best, but I couldn't do it all myself.
Get yourself some counseling for your own piece of mind. It may help you find a way to stay, cope, and improve your home situation. If it doesn't, then, you'll know you will have tried your best and can walk away with not regrets or "what ifs". Good Luck

I realize you said he will not go to marriage counseling but I would suggest that you go without him. If you have a church family start there, they should offer free counseling. If you don't have a church just call and find one that offers counseling. I would suggest you not make any decisions until you get some counseling.
Something needs to change for you, it is not fair for you or your daughter to live this way. :) Blessings, M.

Dear H.:
10-year-old smartass sons are normal (I have one). Your hubby's reaction sounds harsh, but you will have to weigh whether he is perceiving you as putting him in a position to choose between you and his son. If so, he will side with his flesh and blood rather than with you. It is hard to tell whether he is unreasonable or whether your standards are a bit higher than commonly expected, causing your stepson to act like a rebel. Perhaps you should compare with other moms and stepmoms what they experience. Women may furthermore sound like they are nagging or lecturing, which does not sit well with (both) guys regardless of contents. In other words, you may be right but still tick them off.

I would try some things where your stepson gets the upper hand. Perhaps challenge him on a video game (where you will lose naturally) or something else he is good at. Nobody likes to lose forever, so if you give him winnings here and there, he may back down more readily the next time. Also, if you talk to him 1:1 outside of fights and do something nice with him, you may win him over.

Keep in mind that the new child is only a bit over half a year old, so the 'competition' to your step son is relatively new.

Step kids are tricky to handle. I would advocate fairness with an extra dose of leniency, meaning make an extra effort not to favor your own child. It is OK to feel closer, but the treatment should be even. In fact, you should try to treat him a bit better to counteract favoritism, because you will likely be biased.

It is OK to let them know that you are neither mother nor friend, but you are in a position to educate and you care. Let hubby know what you expect and what is unacceptable, and let your son (he knows he is 'step', so might as well leave it out) know that you are not the enemy, but a permanent fixture in each other's life. I would definitely hold off on a divorce because it does not seem hopeless.

Regard,
W.

All I can is when the tension and routine in the house start to affect the happiness of you and the child, its time to move the child to a happier envirment.

I am not going to tell you to leave your husband, that is something you alone with have to decide. Its not easy. I know I wanted my relationship to work out, but after 4 months between the time my daughter was born and the time I reached my limits.... I made my decision when my daughter was crying more often and just not happy as an infant should be.

My daughters father has pretty much separated himself from us over the past 3 years since I told him to leave. She sees him about 3 times per year if that.... but I can honestly say that my daughter is full if life and much more happy now for my decision. She is not missing out on anything in life... she is surround with friends and family that love her.

H., first of all, I can't tell you what to do. This is something that has to be your choice, you will be the one to live with it for the rest of your life. Remember that. But I can share with you a personal experience. I was two years old when my mom and dad divorced. I was 4 when my dad remarried. To me my step-mom was taking my dad away from me. As it was I only saw him every other weekend. So from the time I was 4 up until I turned about 10 or so, I would drum up ways to cause trouble. It would inevitably cause my dad and step-mom to fight. I am in no way suggesting that is what your step-son is doing. But the moral here is that my step-mom stuck with my dad and tried to build a meaningful relationship with me. Later on after becoming a teenager I realized she was the best thing that ever happened to my dad. Now that I am 29, we are great friends and have been for half my life. It was actually my step-mom who taught me to ride a bike and she taught me to drive (my dad and my own mom refused to teach me). My suggestion to you is try to find things you can do with your step-son together. I know the disrespect is too much. Your husband should be disiplining him when he is disrespectful. And you shouldn't have to put up with it, but try to work through it. The last thing anyone should want to do is end a marriage because of a child. Especially if you still love your husband, even though your husband is not trying that doesn't mean you shouldn't. I hope this helps!

H.,
I agree with Rose. I have not been in this situation as you are, but I am the product of MANY marriages, divorces, and re-marriages. I can see where Rose is coming from when she said that she tried to drive a wedge between her stepmom and her dad. Is it possible that your stepson feels as Rose did (that you are taking his dad from him)? My suggestion is to make sure that your stepson and husband have as much time together without you as they can. Do fun things that include all of you too, but definately make sure your stepson has as much alone time with his dad as he needs. Yes, your husband should not be tollerating the disrespect you are receiving, but is he not simply because he feels like he is loosing his son and doesn't want to push him away by reprimanding? Could it be that because so much of the smartellic behavior is accepted, the neither your stepson nor your husband know when it is not appropriate? My son is 9 and he is the biggest smarty pants there is and he has no clue as to when it is and is not appropriate. I really hope you will think of ways you can calmly discuss the way you feel and do all you can to work together as a family. My prayers are with you, and I hope it all works out for the best.

Honey, been there.
My 2nd (and current husband of 10 yrs) came with 3 steps. It's been hellacious and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy BUT you have a duty to your children (yes, the step too) and to the committment you made.
IF you really do love him you have to stay and teach him to fight fair. If you don't love him, hit the road. I've kicked one of my steps out, slept on the closet floor, told my hubby that I hated his stinking guts, the works. But it all comes down to what is right and the kids love us for it. TRUST ME this is going to suck basically forever just to different degrees. If you have the nuts to stick it out and be the bigger of the two, call me. I'll give you specific phrases that will stop your aggressive smartass husband in his tracks and rethink how he treats the woman that CHOSE to marry him DESPITE his having a child from another woman.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Email me if you want to talk/exchange numbers.

~10yr STePMom Vet