I have two daughters, ages 7 and 14, and any time I try to discipline them (especially the 14-year old) my sister, father and aunt will tell ME to stop bickering. I am so tired of them treating me as if I am a child arguing with a sibling instead of a mother taking care of business. Any time I try to stand up for myself with one of them, one of the others will jump in and tell me to stop bickering with that person. How do get my family to respect me as a responsible adult and mother? I don't want to be disrespectful to them, but how do I say "butt out" without ending up being the one who is out of line (according to them)?
First of all, I feel like I should clarify exactly what the sitution was that set me off on Saturday. My daughters, sister, mom, aunt and myself were working on various projects to get ready for a party. My teen daughter and I were workinf together when she started whining and complaining about being "bored" and that what she was doing "sucked". I told her that I was not going to listen to any whining so if she didn't want to help she could go elsewhere. In a very rude tone, she said, "NO!" and rolled her eyes at me, to which I said, "Again, I'm not listening to your nonsense today. If you want to go do something else, go. If not, hush it up." Then my younger sister (never married, no kids) said "You two beter stop that arguing." The way she said it just flew all over me! I told her I was handling things, I was not arguing, and that it was none of her business. Then my aunt (also never married, with no kids) said, "Cut out that bickering right now." - like we were little children! I appealed to my mother for back up and got nothing. Both my sister and aunt continued, so I picked up my keys and left, saying that when my husband got there, tell him to bring our girls home. Unfotunately a couple of hours later I had to go back fo the party itself (grandparents' 50th anniversary), but I made a point of minimal conversation with either of them.
I eventually spoke to me mother and had her speak to each of the others (including my dad who often does this, but was not there today), explaining that I was not a child and that they should butt out when it comes to things with the kids. Having her speak to then helped to calm and diffuse the situation. The couldn't argue back that I was only bickering with them since I wasn't even there.
I want to thank all of your for your advice. This was a very sticky situation for me and anything that involves familial relationships is delicate, so I appreciate the sounding board. Thank you all again! God bless!
Sometimes you just have to tell people to mind their own. My son is only 6.5 months old, and it's already starting with me too in one way or another. I know how you feel.
Who cares if they think you are out of line? They are going to create a rift in the parent/ child relationship that is almost impossible to repair. Maybe you can try explaining your feelings to them, if they still don't respect you, then you may have to remove them from the picture for awhile. This may make them realize that you're serious, and that they can't bully you. You ARE the parent in your household. By undermining you, they could be causing lasting problems to the children's psyche. Like trouble with authority figures, self esteem issues, etc.
Your family is disrespecting you and your relationship with your children. It's time to "buck" up and just tell them. Are they of the thought process that because you didn't physically have the girls that you aren't capable of being a good parent? Set aside some time when the girls wont be there. Because they don't need to be involved in any way. Put how you feel on paper, so you don't forget. Invite your family over for a venting session. They out some ground rules when they arrive.
Do you have time to read a book about Discipline that will boost your confidence and firm up your conviction?
(Home Built Displine by Dr. Raymond Moore)
When you are convicted about an idea...it often doesn't matter what others say - especially when they are so off base. When they see you in a patient, warm loving manner stand firm with the children...they'll be impressed (but may never admit it! <grin>)
I learned that young people scream for boundaries - they bulk them ALL the time...but there is a security and a feeling of love when a parent does not let them bounce around following their own whims. They do not feel good on the inside if allowed to act however.
Dr. Dobson says to not lower yourself to their level of poor behavior - he was talking about arguing with children. In this case - it is arguing with adults that are acting like children by not learning when to say and not to say something.
You need to respectfully talk with them and tell them you are doing what you really feel is right with the girls, and you are sorry they do not agree...but it would be helpful if that now you know how they feel, if they would keep their comments to themselves (especially if it is in front of the girls - children really play one authority against another)...because the argusing is causing strife that you and the girls do not need. And then when they DO it AGAIN...just smile warmly and remove yourself. Don't lower yourself by bickering with them.
Hey E.,
I think some moms just have an arguementative (sp?) nature. I know realize that I do! My husband and my mom would tell me to quit argueing with my 5 yr old daughter too - AND I HATED IT! I felt like they were undermining my authority as a mom. I honestly did not see it as "argueing" I seen it as "reasoning" with her. But it wasn't until my councelor pointed it out to me that I really just needed to "take care of business" too. She suggested that I gave my daughter 2 choices. for example.. If she wanted to watch a movie, I told her "you can do chore A or B, then you can watch a movie". and that gave her no room to complain or argue, it gave her a feeling of ownership... But I still had control. No arguements. It was this or nothing. And it has shut my husband up too!!!! Now my mom on the other hand, is extreamly critical - so no matter what I do is good enough, I've just had to tell her that "I'm learning how to take care of it", and walk away.
Good luck to you! Be strong, and follow your gut. You're the mom!!
Honestly, I would probably sit down with each of them singlely and tell them nicely what they are doing and how it makes you feel. If that doesn't work then be straight forward and tell them to butt-out.
Also, sit down with your children and tell them that what you say goes first, not their immediate relatives. So they can't just do whatever they want when they are around your family. They will still get disciplined no matter what.
My family is very critical of each other especially when it comes to raising our children.
YOU are the mother and you know what is best. Require respect from everyone.
Good Luck.
E.
I think the solution to this problem lies partly with you and partly with your family. Since you cant control their behavior, you can only address yours.
I sorta get the same thing with my husbsnd and children. My problem is that I tend to be naggy and overdue it when I correct my children. This is not unlike the way my own mother reared me and by the way I hated it when she did it. So what I have to do is take a deep breath and camly correct with respect and love. I cannot allow myself to get into a shouting match or competetion to be heard or right with them. IF this happens I have become their counter part rather than their mother, that sounds close to what you are dealing with. My husband has corrected my way of dealing with the kids and sometimes it feels like I am another of his children....but he is right if I am acting like one of them.
I dont know if this is what youre dealing with excatly but I extend the challenge to you that I have extnded to myself.....Am I acting like a parent or could I do a better/different job in these situations. I believe that we teach others how to view us and treat us by our own actions and behavior. So if youre feeling disrespected by them, I think it is fair to ask if somehow you have been disrespectful in this area. If so, correct it and in time you will have taught them to treat you with respect and love as a parent.
In the meantime, maybe you could engage your husband as to a paln of disipline and correction that works for both of you. It may be hard to go to him and allow him the upperhand, diverting to his judgement. But as long as you trust him and his motives, it can establish a more cohesive parenting plan until you get to the place where "they trust you".
I hope this helps and by all means, PRAY. Read 1Corinthians 13:4-8. My family and I took an indepth look at what each of the words means and began to implement each one.
Maybe when you discipline your daughters you can take them aside in private and talk to them instead of in front of others. Also, try this when standing up for yourself with the relatives. and maybe your husband can help. maybe set up a talk with the relatives along with you and your husband. tell them what you don't like and that if they don't stop disrespecting you and undermining your parental authority, then they will not be welcome back in your house until they can. make sure your husband stands by you on this and supports you. he also needs to support you concerning the girls. you and he both need to make it known that you both discipline them, not just one or the other.
I know this is a hard situation for you. I would sit them down (together or seperate whichever you are most comfortable with) and just explain to them that you are trying to do what is best for the children. Explain to them that even though you know they love the children as well it just makes it too hard to try and discipline them when they interject and if they did not mind you would like to see if they start listening better when there is no one else interjecting. I would also sit the children down and explain to them that not everyone knows what is best for them but Mom and Dad. That no matter what someone else says that they will obey what rules you have set or their will be consequences. This may get them thinking that they better listen to Mom no matter what or they may have extra privilages taken away. I wish you luck!
Hi E.,
It is important that you set the bounds with your family when there is not a conflict. You need to explain to them that you appreciate them and you know they are well meaning, but especially with a 14 year old teen, you need to be seen in their eyes as the ultimate authority. Are they going to be there when they get into trouble, skip school, experiment with drugs, come home drunk, etc...???? Explain to them, this is your role, and you should have this converation with the support of your husband, and emphasize that it is important for you to have a united front when it comes to the children.
If they disagree with you, tell them to discuss the matter with you in private when it is appropriate, and never in front of the children. Let them know you are going to have a talk with the children and explain to them that they are to respect all adults in their lives, but you and their Father are the ultimate authority. Let them know their grandfather and great-aunt love them very much and want them to enjoy their childhoods, but that you are here to give them the right choices in life to learn how to become a responsible and upstanding citizen.
If your family can not support you in this reasonable request, then you and your husband have to be prepared to keep your distance, or limit situations where they would have such opportunities.
I hope this helps. Good Luck! -J.
you need to tell them nicely but firmly that YOU are the parent NOT them and that their "help" is appreciated but not needed that you can handle the situation. That YOU know what is best for your children and not them.
gurl I have the same problem with my mother. I have told her I don't want her to come to my house when it is unnecessary because of the rucus. I know it hurts her feeling but I tried to be nice and it didn't work.
