Constant Fighting

I have the same problem with my 6 and 9 year old constantly arguing and bickering. I would love to hear some suggestions too.

M.,

It can be very trying to have two girls so cose in age. The raising of girls is an art. They are emotional, creative, loving, and at times, very trying to raise. I might suggest that you look into the reason that they are arguing not THAT THEY ARE fighting.

Are they "in a habit" that they can not break and don't know how to change? Are they hiding something from you and the only way they can handle it is to fight amoung themselves? Are they trying for your attention and fighting is the only way to get it? Are they struggling with issues of privacy or self esteem and can't seem to figure it out? Or are they tired, poorly nurished, lacking sufficant amounts water causeing head aches and therefore the crabbiness is a constant guest in your home? Are they eating too much sugar that is ramping up their blood sugar and therefore keping them off even keel?

As you can see there are many reasons for the tension. One could also be that the older sister is moving more into her own independence and the younger one can only keep her attention with the constant arguements. I call this behavior the "Wet Potato Chip Theory" It goes like this , a child wants potato chips (ie attention) to a child it does not matter if the potato chip is stale, or WET ---it is a potato chip and she want it. SO in the absence of a chrisp or dry chip, (ie Good attention), they will fight for a wet potato chip,( ie bad attention). It does not matter to a child as long as it is a potaot chip or ATTENTION!

I would suggest this to you. For about a week keep notes on when (before dinner after dinner at bedtime or when ever they fight- keep the time! IF after a week, you notice a patttern of fighting before food or water is given out then you can assume that you are not feeding them when their bodies are in need of food or more water. Just as most babies cry because they are hungry, wet or tired the same is true of children. They cry or FUSS or FIGHT because they are hungry not wet encough and by that I mean they are thirsty or they are tired and need a nap of better REM sleep at night. SO you have to then put them on a schedule where bedtime is quiet and peaceful so their little minds can shut off and get a good night's sleep? Also children fight for territory! THey have their toys, their rooms, their friends and their parents time. Determine if they are fighting for your attention. If you notice that when they fight you come to the rescue everytime and bring your attention to them then break your cycle. THis can be done by stating, "Girls if you both can play for the next 2 hours without a fight, that I have to come and see about, you will both get to reqd a book with me (or take a walk or play a game) for 10 minutes! THIS will take time for you to train yourself to stop from going in and giving them "face time" everytime they argue. Remember the wet potato chip theory. YOU are doing them a disservice by not allowing them to learn to negoatiate our their fights to a workable conclusion. This "skill" is necessary in life and is learnind as a child. How do they see you and your husband argue - how are they learning to agrue and come to a conclusion by watching you.

Finally, realize that the older one is beginning to have her body prepare for becoming a woman and with that comes periods of flux. So teach her how to handle feelings of uneasyness with a good bath, quiet time with a book, taking a walk, exercise, or even a nap. You can begin to see specific times in her month when she is more moody that other times. Sounds funny but it is true.
Lastly, realize that children fight! It is them trying to find their place in the world order some call it the pecking order!
If they are bored - - - give them something to create, read or make. If they are tired get them to bed earlier or give them have down time. If they are thirsty - supply more healty drinks throughout the day.
If they are hungry feed them. BLood sugar is very real and does affect behavior.
If they are seeking your attention give them boundries.
If they have bad behavior, change then with good behavior skils.

You are the MOM. It is your JOB! Heip them ot learn to "Play well with others!" Gook Luck!

Keep Mothering,
Ms C.

Oh I love this one between kids...I use it to my advantage. It can actually be fun for the parent as you see them 'work' this one out with the consequences you give them. First thing is Empathy! Less words, more action. The lesson hits home much more effectively. Here are some suggestions and things that I have actually used. I use "Love and Logic" to parent my kids.

I remember my boys were fussing for a couple of days with one another, so one morning I got up and said, "Guys, feel free to fuss with each other as much as you want to today, because I have a lot of chores to do and I really need help. I don't think I can get it all done, so fuss as much as you like." And honestly, I knew that I wouldn't be able to get what I needed to get done that day. Those darn boys didn't fuss at all that day! That night, one of my sons said, 'mom we did good today didn't we?' I commented that they did. He went on to say it wasn't because of what I told them that morning. I said, "oh okay." It was a great day!

I put them to work when they fuss. If they have that much energy to fuss, then they can do *my* chores in place of fussing.

Another thing I have used is when they start to fuss, I have said, "I'm not listening to this for free." Yep, they'll have to pay me either in chores or money if they continue after I've said that statement.

I use the 'Energy Drain' technique all the time. Whenever, they are fussing, I let them know that they are draining my energy with all the fussing with one another. "Guys, this is really draining my energy. What are you going to do to restore my energy?" Of course when you first use this they aren't going to know what you are talking about, so you explain it to them. Everytime they fuss, it really drains your energy and so you don't have enough energy to do your own chores. Ask them again, "What are you going to do to give me my energy back?" They need to use their noodle, not you. It's all about them doing the thinking, not us racking our brain to figure out what to do. If they mention something you like, then agree and have them do it.

What to do if they don't do the chores in the time frame you guys have agreed on? Get the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" or "Love and Logic, When Kids Leave You Speechless" or "Didn't I tell you to take out the trash?"

It's wonderful! I found Love and Logic when my boys were 5 and 6 or was it 4 and 5? Anyway, no matter, it's wonderful. Just had to pass on what I do. (keeps the house clean and the fussing down)

Hi M.!!

I have 1 1/2 year old twins who also fight constantly!! They are always pushng each other, pulling hair, biting (now on occasion), pinching, you name it! I didn't think this started until they were at least old enough to eat at the table!! Ha, ha. I have two sisters and we fought a lot. Usually over just about anything! My parents always told us we had to love each other; "one day you will need her" "or she is your sister and that is all you get." They were creative with their phrases. Good luck!! I know the one think I hate was we always had to hug, kiss, and say I love you after the fight. That seemed to be punishment enough! Ha, ha.

M.

There's a wonderful book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" - lots of ideas there.

My boys are 3.5 years apart in age. I was convinced they would hate each other forever and I had failed as a parent. They fought constantly, argued about nothing and everything. There were many times I packed their bags so they could run away from home.
They are now best friends but it took years. About the time the youngest turned 20 (yes, I said 20)the change for the better started.

Good luck

I just wanted to say that my two girls are the same way! They are perfect (well, as perfect as pre-teens can be, right!?) when one is away some where (like at a friend's house), but the second they are back together, the cat fight is on! I think when personalities clash, they clash, no matter if they are related or not. It makes me very sad. I wanted to let you know you are not alone, and I am just as anxious to see any responses! Good luck to you!

I have two girls 8-1/2 months apart and they are entering that tweenager stage (almost 11 and 11 and a half). They constantly pick on each other and it drives me crazy. I have some strategies that work sometimes but I certainly don't have a permanent solution.

When they are making fun of each other or calling each other names, I require them to stand facing each other and say 3-5 (depends on how mean they were being) nice things about each other. No "your hair is pretty and your eyes are a nice brown" comments allowed. They have to comment on something they have noticed about each others' personalities or some intangible. They hate it and it seems to stop the behavior for a while.

If they are mothering each other and telling me about shortcomings in chore completion or minor infractions, I tell them there's one mom and if they want to be it, then I will happily give them some Mommy Chores. One bout of toilet scrubbing usually stops the mothering for a while.

I occasionally get out small containers and place $3 in quarters in them for each child. If I hear them being mean to each other, I remove a quarter. Sometimes I tell them and sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, they get what's left. Lately they get very little. (~:

I find that when they're physically exhausted they don't have the energy to fight. That's why they're both doing summer swim team. In addition, when they're both mad at me, they get along great. Haven't figured out how to guarantee they'll be mad at me!!!

My girls are polar opposites, which doesn't help. I try to point out the good but they see nothing except "she's not like me". Eventually they will be thrilled to have someone not like them to bounce things off of. In addition, their daddy has been deployed for 16 months, leaving me a single parent of three. I am Mom and Dad and it's hard to find alone time to meet their individual needs. When I find time for them one-on-one, they do much better with each other. It's just hard to do that regularly.

I have a sister who's seven years younger than me and we didn't get along until she went off to college and I was married. Now we are best friends. We can't think of much that would have made us get along as kids. Sometimes it's a personality thing, sometimes it's competition for parental affection, and sometimes it's just part of growing up.

Good luck. I'll keep reading the responses for more ideas.

I totally agree with Donna H - make them do chores! Mine have been fighting a lot lately and instead of getting mad, I decided to get excited. I say things like, "oh, good! The toilets need to be scrubbed!" We had company coming last weekend so I told them I wanted to fight a lot so they would do most of the cleaning instead of me.

I also use this if they are rude and disrespectful to me. This morning my son mouthed off so I made him scoop the dog poop out of the back yard.

It helps if you have a chore list in the back of your mind (or on paper) so you can dish it out immediately. It's not as effective if you delay the consequences.

I agree with the energy drain. If I have to deal with them arguing or not doing their chores (or whatever), I just don't have the energy to take them to the pool in the afternoons. That's a pretty effective one.