Constant Battle Between My Hubby and Son

He sounds like every 11 yr old I've ever known except he has responsibility for a FARM.

Every farm boy I have known, left home at 17. And this would be why.

I could never do chores to my mother's satisfaction because she didn't like the manner in which i did things. I would wash dishes across the dish rather than in a circular fashion, I would wash the fronts then the backs rather than the other way around and commit a million other small offenses. In my mind, what difference did it make how I did the job, so long as the dishes were clean when the job was done? I would drag my heels about getting to the dishes, and invariably get yelled at, and often. Does this ring true for your husband's/ son's dynamic? If so, tell your husband to learn to see the forest for the trees and he might get a better result. Tell your son to try adopting father's methods, because there is wisdom in his experience and he might get a better result.

If the struggle regarding these chores is too much for you to bear, suggest that each brainstorm about other chores which can be assigned/ shouldered that can be done to hub's satisfaction without nagging and have your hubs feed the dogs and chickens.

Best,
F. B.

This sounds like the nightmare that was my husbands home life with his parents. Your son is a boy and he is 11. That is still a child especially for boys. He is immature and that is considered normal.

Remember the rule about" your child's attention span is in minutes for years of their age"? Your son has about an 11 minute attention span. Think about that. After that 11 minutes.. he has lost his train of thought and is probably in his own little world.

He does not take on initiative, why should he? He will just be yelled at and told he did it wrong or not good enough. There is no positive reason for him to feel like putting his energy into his work.

My husband was made to feel like a failure, because he just could not please either of his parents.

And yet he was told he was pretty awesome at scouts and in the neighborhood and around his grandparents. Imagine that? Only at home did he feel like he could not do anything right. At school he struggled because he could not concentrate long enough to do his homework. But ask him to verbally give the answers, he would blow it away..

I have found that if you work with the child and allow the child to do it his way, it ends on a more positive note.What is the consequences to the way your son does things rather than the EXACT way your husband expects it to be done? Maybe ask son, do you have ideas on how these chores could get done,if we let you do it your way? Then listen to him.
As another mom asked, is he putting the chickens in danger? Are there adjustments that could be made if your son did it the way he wants to do it?

My husband has ADHD. They never grow out of this, if anything it gets worse as they age. He is quite brilliant. He can look at anything and tell you how and why it works, but he says if he has to write out his explanation, it is like torture to him."

I learned to observe my husband to see how he does things, then to ask him how I could help him make his job easier.?

For instance. My husband has a million tools. I am talking about literally 12 hammers. Why? I do not know. He finds them, when he cannot find them, he will purchase one or people give him tools they no longer want. OR he is at a garage sale and sees 1 for a dollar or less and has to have it "because it is so cheap".

So I asked him. If I were to purchase a tool box for different things he works on would that help? He could not answer so I noticed he seems to like buckets. So I asked him how about instead of tool boxes, I purchased a bunch of buckets? We labeled them. Electric, plumbing, car, painting, yard work, Wood work, etc.. He now can grab a bucket and pretty much his tools are available to him for that project. We have shelves for the buckets to be stored on, but we do still have tool chests and boxes, but they are so heavy, they are impossible to move.

He cannot use a dresser. Anything he cannot see, it is gone to him, so instead he uses a folding table to stack his folded clothing for some of his clothing next to the washer and dryer and then he is building himself some shelves for the bedroom. He has Gym Locker style baskets for socks, underwear, shorts etc. This works for HIM and it is fine with me.

I purchased different laundry baskets so that he can place his clothing in White, Med colors and dark clothing. Now he has actually been doing ALL of the laundry, because he sees it filling up.

So as a FAMILY, can the 3 of you sit down and discuss these chores? Can you use your sons personality to fit these chores? Listen to your son as he comes up with his own way to do these chores? Could you explain to your husband that son is not a "bad" child. He is not "dumb" he is just not like your husband AND there is nothing wrong with that.

And mom, yelling does not work. It shuts people down and makes the "yeller" look and sound not so bright. Saying the same thing over and over and not getting results, usually will then lead a person to stop, think, and consider a different way to communicate. Yes it take effort, but I bet your son is worth it.

Please stand up for your son. Also let your husband know you realize he is frustrated. But also remember the 2 of you are still going to be guiding your son for a long time, and you need to make this guidance fit this child's needs.

Has your husband explained to his son WHY the chickens and dogs must be fed in HIS particular way? Is your son feeding them too much or too little?

At 12, he is old enough to understand logic. If he is doing it wrong, explain why it should be done this way. If there is not a wrong way of doing it, then your husband needs to back off a bit.

If he's not doing all of his chores, can you make a check list for him, rather than being yelled at? Maybe set a time frame for him and add some structure to his chores, such as:

*The chickens need to be fed by 9:00am.
*The dogs need to be fed by 9:30am.
*Your room should be clean before lunch.

There is no reason why your son can't be expected to do chores and do them correctly. Most kids his age have to!

I would talk to your DH. What is his goal? To have the chores done his way or have the chores done? Is there an aspect of how your son does them that is wrong in the sense that it's not done or is it just a matter of personalities? I had a boss once that was such a busybody she told me my commute was bad because I didn't take her route - and I thought her route was too many lights! It didn't matter how I got to work as long as I was there.

I would also sit down with your son and figure out how to get him to remember. Does he need a daily list to check off? Get him a white board and some markers. I would also get him to understand what it means for him to do his chores. My DD asked me this AM why she has to feed the cat every day. I said, "Because she would be hungry and that would be mean. Would you like it if I didn't make you meals every day and only fed you when I felt like it?" Perhaps you need to have him feed the animals before himself to remind him why it's important.

And on the flip side, your husband can say, "Son, we agreed you would do x and y before TV. Your board says you didn't do it so the TV is off til you do." Vs just yelling. Natural consequences.

Yelling is just noise. Your family needs to communicate.

My mom was like this. It caused me to withdraw as deeply into myself as I could hide, because my primary picture of life from toddlerhood through high school was my mom following us around like a drill sergeant, yelling and criticizing. There was NO opportunity to take the initiative, on anything. No point in developing my own sense of what to do and why.

I had to do some serious growing up when I got married, too young and to the wrong guy, in a desperate attempt to get away from my mother. My first husband was just like her, but perhaps even less rational. We seek what we know, and I knew defeat and submission. It took me years, something like 12 of them, to begin to develop a sense that I could make my own choices, and that my choices could be good. I had lived in the doghouse, metaphorically (my mom punished all 4 of us if one failed to meet her requirements) for the majority of my childhood.

Your son will have his own challenges and make his own mistakes trying to come to terms with his upbringing. But I suspect that his father's riding him isn't to his benefit. I left my first marriage when it was clear that my spouse was getting far too demanding and punitive toward his daughter.

I'd start by connecting as deeply as possible with my child. He's reaching the age when he's going to become less communicative with parents anyway, so do all you can to keep the love and information flowing. There is a most excellent book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that coaches parents on how to do this. And there's a teen version, which may be more appropriate for your son.

And I'd go for counseling myself, if my husband refused to participate. You can still learn great techniques for enhancing your communication with your husband, and maybe help shift the dynamics. If they won't shift, you may have to either shut up or leave and get your son into a healthier home life.

Your son is an 11-year-old child, not a farm hand. YOU (you meaning you and your husband) chose to live on a farm and take on responsibility for chickens, dogs, and whatever else you have. HE did not. I'm all for expecting everyone to pitch in and share responsibility for things, but those are for normal, routine, everyday chores (empty the dishwasher, pick up your room, etc.). Caring for animals that you and your husband choose to have is your job, not his. If you live on a farm, those are part of your livelihood. My kids don't do my office job for me so why do you expect your 11 year old to do farm chores for you?

The day that an 11 year old (especially a boy) takes initiative for work is never, so re-set your expectations back to reality.

The way that your son does the chore is adequate, then let it be good enough even if it's not the way your husband wants it done. If his way really doesn't get the job done, then sit down with him and come up with different chores that he can do that don't really affect the lives of other living creatures. That way if he messes up, no one is going hungry or thirsty as a result.

I hate yelling at children....it's soooo effective (eye roll). Your son isn't going to have any respect for his dad, future wife and children.

Hubby needs to figure out a method that works for your son because the yelling isn't working.

Your husband is being WAY too hard on your son - and your expectations of your son are unrealistic. There is no need to take it personally. He is a kid who wants to be a kid! Just because he lives on his parents' farm does NOT mean he should have to be "put to work" on it! He did not choose to live on a farm and to have daily farm chores!

If your husband keeps yelling at him every day (or almost every day), your son will do the same with his kids. Is that what you want? Actually, at age 11, it may already be too late. He might already turn out to be a yeller as a husband and a father someday.

Y'all are being way too harsh on him. Forget his farm chores! Hire someone to help you, if need be. Let him be a kid! Enough already! Have someone else feed your chickens and dogs!

It seems your son needs to learn some organizing/scheduling skills.
Many pick this up in middle school - they have to in order to stay on top of homework/assignments/projects.
Whether it's a planner or a chore chart (or what ever else he wants to use - I'm sure there's an app for it somewhere) - he needs to use one and get good at using it - and then NOT slack off.
Dad might be frustrated but he must see that yelling isn't solving the problem and if it isn't helping, he's just wasting his energy doing it.
11/12 yr olds can't usually do things on auto pilot just yet (some can but most don't).
He's got to be patient for your son to mature in this area - it might take a few more years.

Chores should teach, not control.

If you or your husband want something done a specific way, then do it yourself.

As another poster mentioned, YOU chose the farm life. Your son did not.

I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right. God forbid I didn't perform each task in the exact manner my mother did. It set me up for failure. Please don't do that to your son.

A couple of things really help for us. If I create a checklist, the kids jump on it and get it done very nicely. We even use a daily schedule type of list for mornings, because my daughter needs a reminder about certain chores and things to get ready for the day. They don't argue half as much with us when they are following a list vs. us telling them what to do.

Then another thing is to stop the yelling and tell him that he gets breakfast or gets TV time or whatever it is AFTER the morning chores are done. No need to yell about it, just stick to the plan and soon he will learn that chores are done and then he gets to move on to the next good thing, like food or fun. At first, you can even go check to be sure he did a good job and then move on to the rest of your morning.

A third thing to try is to reward him when he does his chores nicely for a week. It doesn't have to be big, but a couple of bucks or an outing with you on the weekend that he might enjoy.

The last thing is to tell dad to take a chill pill if he feels like yelling. My husband resorts to the same thing now and then, but is much better lately at deep breaths and leaving to cool down if he feels like yelling. I have to remind him that the kids are little and he has to be patient.

this is an excellent way to ruin the father son relationship.. hub keeps yelling at son every morning over the same thing..

I think you need to have a little sit down chat with your son. explain the expectation of the morning chores.. WRITE IT DOWN so there is no question.. tell him that you expect him to do the chores every day without being reminded.. then tell him what will happen if he doesn't..

a reasonable consequence... NO YELLING.

"we expect you will feed the dog every day.. if you don't feed the dog in the morning.. you wont play video games that day. " or you wont go to bobs house... whatever currency will work for him.

but this yelling has to stop..

Get a dry erase board and make a list of what he needs to do and when, even the steps if you need to, and have him check them off every day. A visual reminder is great for kids, even I like having a to do list so I don't forget things.

The one thing that jumped out at me is you say "My husband has told him so many times the steps to take and he does it his own way." Seems to me that as long as the chore gets done, your son should be allowed to do it in a way that feels right to him.

If he doesn't take the initiative to feed/water the animals, I would turn that around on him. They are living creatures that need to eat/drink, just like your son. So, the next time you see that the animals are not fed/watered, then when you call son to the dinner table, he gets to sit in front of an empty plate - just like the animals sit and stare at an empty dish/trough/whatever. Teach him empathy for the animals - let him experience the feeling of hunger and thirst.