My husband and I are at the point where either we will have a second child or not within the next year. I will be 37 soon and by March, my husband will be 42. Our daughter will be four years old in March.
My question might sound silly but it is a concern. How do moms' balance the sleepless nights with another child? I always thought if Alyssa was a toddler with a newborn it would be challenging. She is needy in the sense that she wants my attention a lot. I am hoping she will become a little more independent.
My husband has a tough work schedule and usually works nights. There are nights when he will lay down at 8 PM to get ready to work at 1, 2 or 3 am. So I know that I will be the parent doing the sleepless nights with a newborn mostly. And then Alyssa will need to be cared for as well.
My mother can help a little but she currently cares for my live-in niece (twenty months) while my sister works full-time. We have no other family that could really help. I have considered the idea (if affordable) to hire a postpartum Doula. This person could be a lifesaver with those sleepless nights and also help take care of my daughter a little if I just need to nap. And I know a Doula wouldn't be long-term, maybe three months or so to get the baby on a sleep schedule.
Things were very different when my husband and I had Alyssa. Dave had a day job and was able to help me get through those nights. It's a lot different with just one of course. Any thoughts? Thank you.
Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. I knew most parents would say, "you just do it." I think everyone is different just like some moms love being a stay-at-home mom and others want to work (or need to.)
When I recently asked my husband if it might be doable to hire help, whether a night nurse or a Doula, he said no. He did suggest possibly a baby sitter. When I started thinking about the cost of say a Doula for eight hours a day even four times a week, I know that is not an option.
I am just concerned about being able to have patience to be up day and night with a newborn and my preschooler. My daughter will need attention during the day. I do plan on putting her in Pre-K but if I leave my job ( I would have to quit because it won't pay for two children in daycare, Alyssa is in daycare now) Pre-K isn't all day. It is only half-days, right?
I hate to admit I am overthinking this but I remember how lucky I was when Alyssa was born to have my husband help with those sleepless nights. Now my husband might only help weekends if he can and we have Alyssa to think of too. I wish I had family to help more. Thanks again for the advice.
Preschool, then Kindergarten! It sounds like the age difference between the two would help you cope.
I have one. I was 40 when he was born. I cannot imagine going through those sleepless nights again. That behind the eyes, painful feeling. I had not been that exhausted since college. It made residency seem easy. I have no idea at all how or why people do it. I am so so happy with one. I do think a doula or night nanny is a great idea. I think the real question is do you want a second child or not. If you don't deeply and truly want one - then I see no reason in the world you would have one.
Well, honey, it's not so bad. I had 3 babies in 4 years. My husband traveled on and off for work (sometimes I wonder how we even got pregnant - he was traveling so much) and I survived :) You just do it. Sometimes the bigger kids watched an hour of TV so Mommy could nap with baby. Sometimes we just went to the indoor play park so the kids could run around while Mommy sat and my friends held the baby. Sometimes mommy napped in the yard (it was fenced) while the "big" kids played in the sandbox. You just make do. And, it get's easier.
My husband never got up with my first or second babies at night. It was my job, since I was the food source. By the time #3 rolled around, he did get up a few times, but not much. I managed.
None of my kids were good sleepers either - I just lowered my expectations for myself. Sometimes I'll be cleaning still and I'll find a notebook that I kept notes in during that time with my list for the day - and there were days where my only goals were to shower and clean a bathroom or shower and go for a walk. That's it :)
Anyway - don't over think it. If you want another baby just go for it. Life works out.
:)
You do what you can and you get by. For child #2 and #3, I kept them right next to my bed for the first 4 months. The system was bend down, lift child up, feed child, put child back down (and when I was formula feeding, I had the water in the bottle and the formula right there on my nightstand ready to go). Diapers were put right there and only if child was poopy did I change him/her (most of the time without getting out of bed), and I learned to do it with just a night light. The first few days were rough, but honestly, after that it was pretty easy. Sometimes I woke up and the baby was asleep on me and I had no idea how it happened, but we got through.
If your daughter is 4, will she be in preschool? That would be a huge help for you, because that would give her something of her own, and would give you time with baby and time to rest when baby rests. The housework doesn't always get done, but oh well. When I had my son, my daughter was only almost 3 and home with me a lot. I would put him in his swing, pop her show on, and cuddle with her on the couch. I would sleep and she would not mind. It was her "cuddle time" with mom.
There are ways around it if you want to do it.
You just do the best you can :). It is rough but doable. Your child will be close to 5 when the new baby would be born. The older child will probably rarely get up in the middle of the night, so it will just be the baby.
I had a 2 year old and a newborn. There were literally nights when I spent part of the night sleeping in each one of our 3 bedrooms. It gets better. I have thought back as to how we got through with both of us working full time. You just do and you make it work.
I had my second child when I was 38 and my son was 5 and a half years old - so a very similar schedule to yours. The saving grace was he started Kindergarten that fall when she was born so when he was in school I could nap when the baby napped or when she got older I could take her to morning toddler programs. I guess all I can say to you is you will make it work! And being a baby and waking up in the night is such a short time frame...they outgrow that and are on to other stage in life before you know it. Maybe enroll your daughter in a half day preschool program or hire a mother's helper during the day some days so you can nap!
Couple of thoughts here:
1) your child will be 5 before the second arrives. my children were helping out a lot by the time they were 5, so the household was a lot easier to keep up. 5 years is also the magical kindergarten age!
2) don't assume your 2nd will be like your first. my first child (god love her) started crying 3 hours after she was born and didn't stop for 6 weeks. i wore out rocking chairs with her. oh. my. goodness. it is a wonder i ever had sex again. and after she started sleeping through the night, she still cried for 4 hours every night. and when that stopped at age 1, the night terrors started. and went on for 6 months. she would not sleep in her own bed. just when i thought i was safe and got pregnant again, she developed a fear of sleeping on anything other than the ground with me. so i spent 7 months pregnant, sleeping on the hardwood floors with her squished over me, all the while working 40 hours per week AND studying for the CPA exam. (i took the cpa exam the week before i delivered - 2 full days of exams, and passed!) baby #2???? OMG, I had to WAKE him up to nurse him! he was the most content baby, ever, on the face of the earth. slept through the night from day 1. it's like he knew what his sister had been like and was making up for it.
looking back, i'm sad i only had 2 kids. i wish i'd had like 8. they are such a blessing. all the personalities meshing together in our household! i'm already jealous of my friends with 3+ kids, thinking forward to the days when they head off to college and then hopefully come back for visits. i realize the more you have, the more company you will have in the future! and grandchildren!!
Oh cripes, I just remembered the Possum that moved into our house when baby #2 was 3 weeks old. DD was 2 1/2. Cripes, if i can live through those 2 weeks, you can totally handle baby #2!
GO FOR IT!!!
I honestly feel like some times life just lines up were a second or fifth baby is just not in the cards.
I also feel adoption is an awesome option if your age or caring for an infant are issues.
People can usually get through anything, I mean people survived the holocaust.
if you want a second baby you can find a way to deal with it. But it's really ok if you look at things realistically and think, hey, i'm good with things the way they are and aren't i lucky to have a great hubby and a cute little girl.
its def. doable. I think its best to accept you probably wont be sleeping much for first few months. also I would consider hiring a doula or can you hire a sitter to hang out with your oldest if she doesnt nap during teh day and u and baby can nap? With both of my kids I napped. I still do and they are 1 and 3 16.5 months apart. I usually get up with them so I dont feel guilty about napping its the only way i can function
With 5 kids, I can just say it works out.
Now, nothing is harder (for me) than being pregnant while caring for other children. But once the baby is here, I didn't even notice sleepless night with the second child on...they just slept. I nursed. Sure, it was around the clock. Mine don't sleep through until around age 2, at least with not getting up to fuss about something. Bless those who get baby on a schedule within 3 months. 2 years to me sounds like a holiday! I LOVE reaching that point.
Life is never easy when you add a baby to it. But life is never dull or boring when you add a baby to it either. A baby brings so much joy and love. I had my first son when my daughter was 2 years old and I baby sat my 2 year old nephew. Nine months later I was also babysitting a new nephew. I had 4 kids 3 and under all day long. Thankfully 2 went home in the afternoon.
I now have a 15 month old son added to my now 5 & 7 year olds. I still babysit one nephew (the other is in school). I also homeschool. Life is busy. Life is good. Life is exhausting. My baby has never slept all night in his almost 15 months of life. I wouldn't change it for anything.
I agree with a lot of what others have said too. You learn to adjust and you find a new way of doing things. Having a baby will change your life but you already knew that since you added the first one. You learn to make a new normal.
I had the same fears when i had my second.
My first baby never slept at night and was colicy in the evenings.. I was a walking zombie for 3 months..
but my second child came home from the hospital.. and slept from 11-5 the first night. that was a fluke and he did wake up at night for a long time.. but he ate and went back to sleep. and i was fine.
I did hire a nanny to come and help me for the first several weeks. so if your mom cant help.. have someone come a couple of days a week to help you. it is well worth it.
By the time my oldest is 5, I will have my 3rd kid. My first two are only 21 months part. It was hell at times, I will admit, but you adapt easily. My hubby works long hours and travels a lot. In fact, he went to China when my youngest was 3 weeks old. What a nightmare.....But I survived it. I get over tired sometimes, and I even yell. But my kids are happy, smart and well-adjusted.
You adapt. The thing about having a baby is that it is only hard for a short while. With some luck, the baby will be sleeping by 6 months, and so will you. It's for such a short period of time, it just isn't worth worry about, if you ask me.
BTW, I am 40, and will be having my third darn close to my 41st bday. I'm much more tired than I was at 37, but I love watching my kids play together. They are both super excited about having a baby sister, and I can't wait to add to the clan.
Also, how much taking care of does a 5 year old need? They may need company, but they can mostly take care of a lot of stuff all by themselves --even get themselves breakfast!
It's simple, if you want more kids, have more kids. Don't worry about problems until they arise. Life is too short. I wish I had started having kids when I was younger. I would have like 6 of them!
My husband and I are both police officers with terrible schedules, rotating shifts. I am 39, my boys are 3 and 8 months. Sleep is really important to me.
I hired a doula for the day time, maybe a couple days a wk, just to get caught up. My mom died when I was young, and my family does not live near. I was worried about all those things too
Bottom line, it works out. It is manageable. You make it work. Doulas are excellent, catch up with sleep during naps, consider having your daughter go to preschool a couple times a wk.
Somehow you can just deal with the sleep deprivation. I had my son when my daughter was 2 and a half. At the moment she is 3 (and no longer naps) and he is 8 months. He is not sleeping at night because he has a cold, is getting teeth, etc. But he put himself on an awesome day time sleep schedule just naturally. I spent a ton of time trying to do that with my first and he just did it by himself. Somehow you just get through each day and I go to bed at 8:30pm sometimes and only see my husband for a blip at night. Its not forever and SO worth it. But seriously, somehow, you get through it. Good luck! Have another one :)
My son was three when his brother was born,so he was able to go off to nursery school 3 afternoons a week. I had that time to rest with the baby and my son had that time away from me to gain independance. By the time you have a baby your daughter will be old enough to help by entertaining the baby while you do housework, or getting you diapers etc. I always did night care of baby on my own because I was nursing, there wasn't anything for my husband to do. For the first six months I brought the baby into bed with me to nurse when he woke at night, and he would just spend the rest of the night there. At six months I did Ferber and he slept through the night. You will adapt to the situation.
You can do it!!! If you want to do it, do it!! And I can say that only you will be able to figure out what works for you...helpful suggestions are nice, but they are just that. Each situation is so different, but if you want another child, you will be able to work it out.
And as a side, I haven't had a full nights sleep or more than 3 hours at a time in almost 3 years, and I'm still managing to function AND homeschool my 7 year old. Where there's a will, right? :) Congrats!!
My girls are almost 6 yrs apart and to be honest w/you, prior to my youngest....Christmas cards were in the mail Thanksgiving Eve, my house was spotless at all times and we could sleep in if we so desired.
But, on the flip side our house is now a fun mess, we save money by not sending Christmas cards and my house is always full of either laughter or some sort of noise. You learn how to juggle things. It was difficult at first, my youngest was born two days before Thanksgiving and was in the NIC Unit for a week and a half so that was kind of hard, but we managed. The first Christmas was a little hard too because I didn't get to do all the shopping I had planned, but the nice clerk at the store allowed me to leave my sleeping baby in her carrier by the register while I shopped & almost walked out w/out her. My mom, God rest her soul, had four of us and said that somehow, someway you always learn to manage and although it was hard not having her there for either of my girls, she was right. It all works out, and believe me...I couldn't imagine my life w/out my youngest. True there were times that I thought we were going to be a part of the "one & done club" but when I look back to all that my girls have shared together, and even the arguing thrown in there, I realize that they have such a special bond. My husband has worked 2 jobs since my oldest was born (one & at times both being in law enforcement) so his hours involve a revolving shift 3 weeks a month, it was hard at first and w/my mom just dying right before the birth of our oldest he was up nights but w/our 2nd I took nights. As I said, somehow, someway you make it work and you know that it's not permanent as far as the restless nights, but the love is there to stay. Best of luck to you in your decision.
