Consequences for 8Yr Old Boy with Disrespect

Hello T.! My son is almost 12 years. We had this issue to a greater extent a few years ago and we occasionally deal with it now. My son is asking for attention. We look him in the eye and calmly say, "We don't talk like that." Then we make time for just him, a walk or a bike ride. His favorite is playing catch with me in the front yard. I am not a ball player but he is coaching me, another confidence builder.

A valuable thing that i have learned.

"People who feel badly, act badly"

Is there anything going on that might make him unhappy?

I notice that there are 2 very young brothers in the house. When was the last time you and 8yr old spent time ALONE together? Doing something that he enjoys doing, hugging/cuddling, etc. He might be feeling like he doesn't matter because the babies are taking up a lot of your time right now. That could explain why he is acting out, he's seeking attention any kind of attention will do...it's not a concious decision it's just something that happens. Negative attention is better than nothing.

I would suggest making a plan for either you or your husband to do something with 8yr old at least 1x per week (you could trade off weeks) It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive, just going to the park and playing together without the babies. And no matter what he does during the rest of the week this "special time" is not taken away as punishment...that's important.

As for how to handle the name calling and temper tantrums. Calmly and firmly tell him. "That is not an appropriate way to speak to me, I don't like it" If appropriat you can ask him to try again. Don't match his anger because that will just fuel him.

Yikes! That's tough. I have 2 boys ages 12 and 14 that I deal with and I know its frustrating. I read a book called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" (Faber) that I thought was helpful. Not knowing specifics I won't try to advise too much, but I would look at what you are projecting when he does that. If you're not firm and insistent he may not be taking it seriously. I have a lot of success when I talk to my kids with a tone of respect, saying things like "I need you to speak more respectfully because it makes me feel hurt." or "You sound angry with me. Is there something you're upset about?" all in as calm a voice as possible. In my case I display anger when hurt. I try to appeal to their desire to be mature. I wonder if he's not bored. Does he have friends to play with? You might look into a summer playground program or day camp if its not too late. He may not be getting his boy-ness satisfied. At age 8 was when my boys really started to separate. There are some good books about boys. I read 1 a long time ago and I can't remember the author but it was something like "The Wonder of Boys" There was another that was not very helpful to me so I'd read reviews 1st. Maybe if you try to open a conversation abut how he's growing up and how much you enjoy that he's becoming a young man he may feel better about himself. It is often the case that kids (and grown ups) lash out at others when they feel bad about themselves. Try talking when you aren't in the middle of an incident. though. Refer to what happened earlier or something. My sister said she could solve any problem with her kids in the time she took with them right before they fell asleep. Good luck! I want to add that with boys (and men!) its best not to try to find solutions for their "problems" but to just acknowledge the emotion, because that tend to feel weakened by others fixing things for them.

i might try to get him to write a page on respect i know that will be hard but do it together see what he thinks it is and so on i would also do an all or nothing typ thing 3 times and your out tacke everything away friends media everything the only thing he can do is read or write or other school type things he may be just doing it for attention but that is no reason for him to talk like that at my home we do and all or nothing they have 5 behaviors that i need them to work on and they get one worning and if they do it again they get a no we have broke down to am and pm they can only get 2 nos a day if they get more then that they lose everything for the next day at first it was hard but the are getting on track to where i need them so they can get the attention they need and want with out yelling or sounding like a broken record
good luck
M.
mom of 3 2 boys 9 and 7 and a 7month girl

T., I'm with Rebecca - your oldest was an only child for 6 years and now he has to share you with 2 babies. Did he used to watch tv and hang out around the house? It's good that he is playing outside instead of stuck in front of the tv but it's not good if he's just trying to avoid watching you take care of his brothers while he is left out.

Definitely get some one-on-one time with him and remind him how special he is as your number one son and how he is a big brother and his little brothers will need him to teach them all sorts of stuff. Get him engaged and involved and hopefully his behaviour will improve. Of course, you will still need to remind him how to be respectful.

Good luck

No matter what the age I think it is always important to remember consequences for actions and being consistent as a parent. Every child has something they like or something they like to do. When children act up they need to know that it is not appropriate and that if they do not stop then things will be taken away from then, or they will not be able to go/or do something they want.
Every child may think that they don't have to listen which is true,however you are still the parent and you get to choose a consequence to their actions. If you explain to children the results to choices not they will think before they act in the future.
You may feel that you are responding to their actions a lot but if you don't stay consistent then they child will learn that they are in control and they are not.
Try and give your child choices, make compromises, recognize when your child makes good choices, and pick your battles.

Hi T.,

Have you tried escorting him to his room and closing the door on him? If it seems like he is ok with it then I would systematically start taking things out of his room until he does get the lesson. Make him earn the items back. In addition, you might want to try a "teacher" form of discipline. (Worked on me when I talked back to my parents.) Have you tried making him write out sentences for you while you are in the same room? I would make him write 100 times "I do not talk back to my parents". Make sure he numbers each and every one. I would not allow him to get up from the table until it is done. If he needs to use the bathroom then escort him to the bathroom wait outside the door and escort him back when he's done to continue writing. If he sits there and doesn't work then he doesn't get anything to eat or drink until they are done. If he misses a meal then it's his fault for not doing what you told him to. If he isn't done and you are ready to eat put him in his room to write until the family or he is done, whichever comes first. He can eat when he is done with the sentences. If his meal is cold, again it's his fault. If he still does it after he's written his sentences then make him do it again but add another 50 sentences and make the sentence longer. He'll eventually get the hint and I think all kids could use work in penmanship.

Whatever you decide to do remember to be strong and consistent. He'll stop when you find the right trigger.

Hope this helps - S.

I would SO not put up with that brand of garbage. Get tough if you have to. Time out chair for disrespect. Don't ASK him to, TELL him to. Escort him back if he leaves it, and then ask him if he understands why he's sitting there, explain if necessary, and that he risks teaching the younger siblings his unacceptable behavior. Make a poster for him clearly stating rules and expectations. There are rewards for good, and consequences for bad behaviors. Do not accept his stuff. You're the parent and yes he jolly well DOES have to. Make sure he gets that!
And tune in to Supernanny this fall when the fall programming comes back on. I'm 55, all kids gone, and I love watching that show. Full of good information and advice and help.

Stick to what you are doing, it sounds good. I suggest finding an organic soap and wash his mouth out with soap. A friend of mine put some in a spray bottle and sprayed it in her son's mouth.

Having an organic soap, won't hurt him but will taste nasty.

You know us parents are learning, just as we are teaching our children.

Good luck and God Bless.

M.

Hello T., Every child has something that effects them. The problem is that as parents, we usually suffer more than the child while we disapline them because it is hard work. That causes us to give in, which starts a vicious cycle. Consistency is mandatory. Each and every time that he acts out, there must me a consequence. Going out side, playing with friends, etc. What does he look forward to doing each morning? Cause and effect. Peer pressure can work to your advantage in this situation also. If he sasses while playing with friends, the worst punishment is to have to sit for 8 minutes (1 min for each year of age) watching the other kids play. It has worked in schools for many years. Remember kids sitting in the hall? They hate being separated from other kids. He has to learn that every thing in his life is a privilige, not an entitlement. He should have to do chores to earn the right to have anything. Strip his room of everything but his bed and pillow if you must. Then have him earn every single thing back. His world need to be rocked, and it is up to you to do the hard work or rocking it. Consistancy is so important. Cause and effect. It a hot stove only burns once in a while a child doesn't learn not to touch the stove. Go to the library and get some books on disapline. My favorite was "Making Children Mind, Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman. He is a child psycologist. It is christian based, but still good info if you are not christian. Remember, that actions speak louder than words, so don't just yell at him all day, get up and make him mind. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and our kids aren't born with a manual. LOL Good luck.

You have to find out what really gets to him. I have 3 kids, and I vary the consequence according to what they most value. My youngest I can bring to tears with just a look... my oldest and middle children however have been quite the challenge. When they talk innappropriately, I have taken $1 each time. This really bothers my oldest. This summer I have gone to the old school route of having them write lines. For example, they were in this kick of using "potty language" and for my 6 yr. old, I'd have her write 25 times "I will not say potty words" and my 8 yr. old did this 50 times. Even my 5 year old had to write 10 lines once. It only took a couple of those to break the habit. It is hard sometimes, but you just have to always remain firm and let them know what is and isn't acceptable, and never let them get away with it! Some days I feel that all I do is discipline. But I refuse to raise rude, inconsiderate children! The joys of parenting, right!?! Good luck!

It is so frustrating when our kids test us! Since you have two babies in the house, it is possible that he is looking for any attention good, bad or ugly?

If you don't think that is the case, you need to use your big voice and tell him under no uncertain circumstances is it ok to disrespect you. If you don't nip it now, it will grow into something ugly for the rest of his life.

Probably he has heard it some place else and is trying it out. It's a rough phase, but you can do this!

S.

There is a wonderful parenting series of books called "Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Some communities even offer Love & Logic parenting classes. I highly recommend them and the books!

But for more immediate help. I agree with the moms who suggested spending one-on-one time with your son. Go on a weekly "date" with him. During these times you could share with him how frustrated you are with his disrespectful behavior. Point out that you don't talk to him that way, and you expect the same treatment in return.

You must remember your son is not in charge, you are the parent. When he is disrespectful and you tell him to go to his room. If he refuses, simply take his hand and "help" him go there. Let him know he is welcome to come back out as soon as he can speak with you in a respectful tone. Be loving, but be firm.

Also, your hubby needs to back you up on this! Talk with him about it. Sometimes as a SAHM we get worn down during the day, and neglect to even realize we're being disrespected. My hubby would walk in the door and put a stop to any negative behaviors immediately because he would see them with a fresh eye.

It's important to nip this behavior in the bud now, before your son hits his teen years. Good luck!