Connective Parenting

Yes, that is what she is saying. I wholeheartedly agree. Punishment helps kids become defensive and learn not to get caught. Connected (or positive) parenting helps children learn internal motivation and to discover natural consequences - things like gravity that we have no control over. Rewards (like the cookie) are in fact the flip side of punishment and have no place in connective or positive parenting. I want my son to learn to keep his room clean because it is easier for him to find his toys, no one falls and gets hurts, etc. I want him to get a cookie (rarely) because he is hungry and a cookie tastes good. They are not related things.

I do not give 'consequences' for 'bad' behavior. I try to model good and respectful behavior, give my son the tools he needs to accomplish his goals and work with the assumption that he IS ALREADY doing the best he can for who he is today - not who I want him to be and not who he will be next week or year.

The author is not saying kids should not learn the consequences of their actions. She is saying what we present as 'consequences' are not real. I suspect her child knows that when he falls down he gets hurt and when he is mean to his friends they don't want to play with them. But he doesn't know that when you don't clean your room this causes the television not to function or removes the cookies from the house.

@ Kristen M - My job is not to be a policeman and my child is not a criminal. So why would I approach him that way?

@ Laura - I don't obey speed limits because I might get a ticket. I drive correctly because it is unsafe to speed (that is why we have speed limits). If I only drove to avoid 'consequences' I would only slow down at the speed traps. Punishment is just as likely to teach children not to get caught as it is to teach them the right thing.

I think she's insane! If you give it some thought - would a policeman approach an adult who has committed a crime in the way she suggests? NO!!! While in an alternate universe her theory is great our job as parents is to prepare our children for the world. In the world people get fired, arrested etc.. for not following the rules so if we don't offer our children consequences at home I think we're not preparing them for real life. All this no consequences parenting is why we have a generation of young adults who don't understand why they get fired from their job for not following the rules and in general think that rules don't apply to them. I'm all for listening to your kid and being sensitive to their feelings but you have to draw the line somewhere and be sensible or you're doing your child a HUGE disservice!

I was with her until I got to number 5 too! You are not the only one.
I, however, don't say "If you pick up your room you can have a cookie." I say, "pick up your room, it's a mess".
I have consequences for bad behavior. I think it's ludicrous not to. As an adult I am given consequences as well. If I speed, I get a ticket. So, I don't speed. If my child back talks me there is a consequence. I don't care WHY he is sassing me, he doesn't get to. I am not going to sit down and have some big long drawn out conversation about WHY he feels like he gets to sass me. He doesn't. It's a known fact. Sometimes being the parent is not all about "connecting" it's about teaching. It's not a debate, it's not a democracy. I am the parent, what I say goes.
I bet her kid is going to be pretty difficult as a teen.
L.

It actually makes sense. I find that traditional punishment/rewards only work in the short term, and it creates kids who are both sneaky AND entitled, not a good combination!
For example, if a child wants to do something that they know they will be punished for, they will go out of their way to hide, lie and cover up.
And if a child starts getting a cookie for this, or some candy for that, then they will always expect a reward, that "what will you give me if I do it" attitude.
We need to TEACH our children how to behave, model it, and accept the fact that they will sometimes make poor choices. But my goodness, that's how they LEARN, that's how we all learn, through making mistakes.
Natural consequences really do work. If your child doesn't share, or play fair or is mean, then he learns no one wants to play with him. If your child doesn't take care of her room, her clothes, her stuff then she learns that mom will not be buying her anything else until she is able to take care of what she already has. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

I didn't read the column. All I know is that it's a very slippery slope if you begin getting your kids to do something with the expectation of receiving something in return for it. I know parents this has backfired on in a huge way. It's REALLY bad when the kids get older. I know kids who won't even help get groceries out of the car without being paid for it, and, these kids will say, "NO amount of money is going to make me want to help you clean out the garage today. I'll pass".
It's the kids telling the parents, "I'll ONLY do this IF you give me that" or, there's nothing they want bad enough to do anything at all at that moment.

You don't want to find yourself at the sharp end of that stick, just sayin'.

This is a moral/ethical question. Do you do something because it is for a higher good, fear of being caught & threat of punishment, because its the rule, etc?

If you feel you're connected to others, you do what you do because one's own actions affect everyone. This kind of parenting very long term thinking, it doesn't always produce immediate results. Its thoughtful, slow, and makes for thoughtful children.

I am all for listening to our kids and taking their feelings into account, but at the end of the day, they are still children, not miniature adults. They need us to be the strong, unwavering parent, as much as they may rail against us and seem hell-bent on driving us crazy. I like the book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan for discipline and one of the points he makes in it is a common pitfall that parents fall into - the belief that children will respond and see things the way an adult would and therefore all we need to do is give them a reasonable explanation once, and they will happily understand and comply. Then they get angry and frustrated that the child isn't behaving. Yeah, right. I personally believe that child's mission in life is to always want more of whatever they want, to avoid at all costs the things they don't want, and to get as much as they can from us. That's why setting limits are so important and letting them know when they have crossed the line (or are getting close). Some kids are just easier than others.

I think it's bad to always be offering bribes to get kids to do what you want them to do because they will reach a point where they won't want to do anything if they are not rewarded for it. I think it's bad to never allow kids to feel the consequences of their actions. This just is not how the real world works and the sooner they figure that out, the better. But every kid is different and sometimes what works for one child won't work for another.

I read this the other day, and I personally found it to be really funny:
http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2012/02/how-...
It is meant to be taken very tongue-in-cheek but to some extent, it also really rings true.