Confused with Religion and Children

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Dear Francesca, I am a Catholic. I was away from the practice of my faith for many years. I thought I would be all right, but something was missing. I decided to look at the Catholic faith as if I didn't know anything about it. I didn't want the hurts from my past in Catholic School to be a factor. I wanted to learn as an adult, to understand where the Church was coming from in every doctrine and teaching. I started listening to Catholic radio. Wow, did I learn a lot. It was fascinating. It enlightened me, brought me to a renewed faith and guided me to the most incredible joy. I came back 10 years ago and I truly have the peace Our Lord left with us. I still listen to AM 1460 WHOJ everyday. Each day I learn something beautiful. You can't teach your children what you do not have in your heart. God loves us and he wants us to love him back. He put the natural law into each heart to direct us to what is right and what is wrong. But he is constantly stretching his hand out to us. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and you will be amazed. Every soul was made for God. We do not let our children make up their own minds about going to the doctor or seeing the dentist. This is so much more important. God bless you (and I will be praying for you).
J. Pfleger

Have you ever seen Kirk Cameron / The Way of the Master? He simply poses questions such as have you ever lied? Have you ever desired someone else's things? Have you ever stolen anything? etc....There is no one who can answer 'NO' to any of these questions, honestly. This puts us all in a need for a Saviour; as the wages of sin are death. Jesus paid that price for us - innocent blood to pay our penalty. All we need to do is admit we've sinned, believe on Him and confess with our mouths: "I need you Jesus. I have sinned and I know you paid the price. Come into my life and show me the way." Know He loves you - His love letter is the Bible. It will guide you through the Holy Spirit. Some may say - but the Bible's just a book; therefore, we don't REALLY need saving. I love the life I live with Jesus. I wouldn't trade it. I am certainly not missing anything but am enriched by the victory I NOW live in. IF it is all for naught and there was no everlasting, no heaven/ hell - I've lost nothing but lived a beautiful life of peace. IF it is true and those who deny it now are wrong........what have they lost? That is not a price I am willing to pay nor have my children pay. Hope this helps. You are welcome to check out play groups, moms night out and other activities that my family are involved in - just message if you're intersted. You won't have any PRESSURE to believe or say or do anything but you can come, have fun and spectate :) I'll be praying for you. Have a good evening. God bless!

Hi Francesca,

You really had pretty good ideas and suggestions H.. I just can tell you about my experience, and probably you can take a little bit from there and give it a thought. I am Catholic, and I was raised like a Catholic (Catholic school, catholic family, going to church,etc.) When I got married, and then I had kids I did not have time for anything else, to be exact, I did not make time for anything else. My husband comes from Catholic family too, but his mother is really into it and she is the kind of person who is very, very involved in the church, and one of the most loyal person to her faith I ever known. However, My husband is not a believer. I am a believer, I believe in God, and even when I was not going to church every Sunday, I liked to pray and talk to my kids about God and related things. With the passing of times I felt the same as you are feeling now. I was feeling kind of lonely, I needed something, I have an emptiness, I thought that my kids should have something valuable in their lives together with the love and caring of a family.
My husband never imposed me not to attend church, to the contrary, he encouraged me to do so. I didn't like the church I lived close by. We moved a couple of times, and then I got H.. I don't know how and when, but it came the time when I felt I have to do something, I still had that emptiness in spite of having my family which I adore it so deeply. Besides that, I always had and have my mother in law talking about church and my brother in law who has a beautiful family very involved in church. I wanted to "explore" that. I started going just by myself, and then I took the kids. I found a very nice church close to my home now, and since the beginning I felt quite alright and welcome!!! We talked with my husband about going together, and leave just one hour of the week to go to the church and say thank you for all what we have, especially our kids, our health, our love and ...a job! Now, we are going to church every Sunday, we are not 100% involved and participating in things, but it feels so much better!!!!, it feels nice, it feels like I have an umbrella on rainy days, a smile when I am in the blues, a guide when I am lost, and a company when I feel alone, a stick when I feel so overwhelmed....things just feel better...The kids do not like it very much yet, but they do it and the behave pretty good at the church. We decide to continue this journey and give our kids these values (there are other good ways to give them, though), in this way and let them decide what they want, in this matter, when they grow up, but our part will be D.. Sometimes, we don't feel in the mood to go, and we don't go, but we don't let that happens so often.
I like the environment, the people, and the priests in our church. I feel like I am seeing normal people like ourselves, simple, with doubts, with victories, with problems, with joy..just normal people...
That is what happened to me. Francesca. Some people need a guide, something to hold on, something to look at it. In my case, I just saw other people so happily different, and I liked it a lot!!! Again, I am not very, very, super in to it..but it makes me feel so good when I go to church with my family, when I pray every night with my kids,and knowing that HIM is there to be with me at all times.
That is my truth, you will find yours, I assure you. Just don't rush and pray in the way you can do it, talk to HIm...Be patient, and you will see what is there for you.
Take care,

Alejandra

Hi, Francesca~

My husband and I were both raised Catholic as well, and we both found it wasn't a good fit for us long ago. I highly recommend http://www.beliefnet.com/, particularly the "Belief-O-Matic" quiz. It helps you to really look at your values, and then it shows you which religions tend to support those most closely.

In my case, I was allied with the Unitarian Universalists 100% and the Catholics about 20%. I had no idea that the Unitarians even existed! My husband and I started attending a chapel near our home, and it was the first time the things that were being said in a church touched me so deeply that it actually brought tears to my eyes.

We're still unsure exactly what we plan to teach our daughter. Even though I know the church I've found is the right fit for me, and I know that's where we'll take her if it becomes more of a priority, we both find that living good lives is quite possible without a weekly service. That being said, I do like the idea of there being a community of people that shares our beliefs, so maybe it's something we'll get more involved in as our daughter gets older.

Hope this helps some. There are a lot of options out there, so hopefully you'll be able to find something that's a better fit for your family.

I know this can seem difficult, but your children are blessed that you are listening to your instincts about their needs. Keep in mind that you are an adult and that you and your husband are responsible for this decision. You have to be true to your heart. You will not be able to blame your parents for the decisions you make as parents. I would recommend taking the issue to prayer rather than to your parents. I would also recommending learning more about all the religions available to you. There are interfaith organizations in the St. Louis area, such as Faith Beyond Walls, Women of Faith, and the Interfaith Partnership of Greater St. Louis. The Women of Faith will be having their annual conference March 24. For more info, you can contact Jerri Livingston at ###-###-####. Also, Dr. David Oughton is a professor of world religions at Meramec College and a teacher at Christian Brothers College. He organizes an interfaith discussion where you can learn about different religions at CBC twice a year. One of them is usually on a Sunday evening in March. I’m sure you can find his contact info via the school or college websites.

We had very similar experiences after we were married. Neither of us were comfortable with the Churches we were raised in. I also saw the need for religion more keenly than my husband. His experience with the Church led him to 'religiously' avoid all dogmas. I not only felt my own personal need to find and practice a spiritual path, but I knew that children needed spiritual training, spiritual teachers, and spiritual community. Whatever religion children are brought up in, they need the 'teaching stories', they need to be among people as they pray. I have come to develop a great respect for the transformative power of the Word of God. After praying for guidance, I was led to a Faith that accepts the Word of God, revealed throughout history by the Founders of the world’s great religions. I never had to give up what I had learned from the Church I grew up with, rather like we don't give up what we learn in 4th grade when we move on to 5th grade. What also pleased me so much was the attention given to children, empowering them with knowledge and virtue, to become bright, intelligent, spiritual, caring, and independent thinking people.

Having worked in developing early childhood enrichment programs and as a therapist who now works with many special needs children, I have learned a bit about character development. However much your husband may feel comfortable as an adult without enriching his life with the creative power of the Word of God, keep in mind that he was fed those Teachings as his character was developing. Children need religion for different reasons than do adults. You might want to explain to your husband that, even though there may have been aspects of the religious practices of a particular Church which he would like to avoid, he might also consider that he may also have benefitted much from the religious discipline he had as a child. It is likely a great part of the reason why he is such a good and dependable man today.

My son is now 22. He is so grateful for the way religion has guided and strengthened him, he spends a good deal of his spare time teaching youth and children's programs. My heart melted recently when he told me that he sees how so many people his age suffer from a lack of wisdom and insight and how grateful he is that I made sure he was given access to God's Teachings throughout his childhood. He told me that I gave him the most precious thing he will ever have. What I realized in that moment is that, by giving this to him, he will give this to my grandchildren. Of all the things I regret as a mother, and we all end up with some regrets, this is the one thing for which I am most grateful.

In the beginning, I had to take on this responsibility by myself. We prayed every morning and every night together. We memorized Scripture together and attended religious observances without my husband. I was never able to interest my husband in such things, but he did support the routine whenever I was not available. It was our son who became his father's teacher, however. Before he could even talk, he noticed that Dad was left out at prayer time and very caringly offered him some Scripture to read. By the time he was 3, he was teaching his father prayers he had memorized. By the time he was 5, my husband decided to join us because of a discussion they had. Still today, my husband does not attend many religious functions. But, he is very supportive of everything we do for our Faith. If we have a study circle at our home, he'll be out on the patio grilling us all dinner. Most importantly to me personally is that my husband prays with us. I had to take the initiative, but it was my son who became our teacher!

The one thing I have learned in this life, if I have learned nothing else, is that God is not shy about guiding us. Pray for guidance as a mother. I'm often heard saying, "God gives great guidance. But, He takes it lousy." In other words, I've never found success in praying the prayer that tells God what you want Him to do. But, I have never failed to get a very clear response to prayer when I ask God to help me understand what He wants me to do. He not only makes it clear to me, He provides all the means necessary to accomplish it.

Whether or not you decide to join a religious community, you and/or your husband are more than welcome to join a discussion circle I facilitate once a month. People of all Faiths or with no particular faith tradition are welcome. We discuss the strategies of virtue awareness and mentoring children for spiritual character development from the book, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. She is one of the founders of The Virtues Project, a non-profit interfaith organization devoted to empowering parents and teachers with effective language skills to train healthy and spiritual children. We will meet this month in Webster Groves on March 21st. If you send me your email address, I will send you an attachment with all the details. If you want to learn more about The Virtues Project, visit www.VirtuesProject.com.

Hope this is helpful to you as you search for the answer that fits your family. You are in my prayers today!

I went though something similar. I am catholic, my husband is not but has always attended church with me and my family. We never really went on a regular basis and then we tried a Presbityrian church and I really liked it. It was similar to a catholic mass with a little less formality and a pastor who had kids and was a little more in touch with a life I could relate to. The kids went to Sunday school during the service and are learning simple things from the Bible. It's been a great compromise for me but I have to be honest and tell you that now I am missing certain things about the Catholic mass that I thought I wouldn't. If anything it's been a great experience to be part of something I never thought I would try. If you want to settle into a faith that's comfortable for both of you then maybe try this one, Lutheran or Methodist for a while. They are similar to the Catholic church and may help you make a decision.

I was never particularly "religious" growing up, my mother came from a very religious family and stopped practicing after marriage, but we still grew up with some knowledge of religion from our grandparents and cousins and friends, etc. When I had my children is when I actually "found religion" and started going to church, etc. Oddly though, its also my children that has kept me away from church too! I didn't feel it was worth all my effort to get everyone ready for church just to sit outside in the lobby while my 2 year old ran around like a crazy person. Earlier this year I was invited by church to attend a bible study for Moms and their kids. Its a great set up, we meet once a week in the church nursery. The kids really enjoy playing together, they get play time, a bible lesson, a craft and a snack one week and then the next week they get playtime and a snack while the Mom's have a grown bible study based on "mom-stuff" and how it relates to the bible, its very casual, we all sit around pn the floor and share our thougts while the kids get an hours worth of great playtime together. Anyway, you may want to consider something like this? Its religion, but it doesn't shove the bible down your throat, plus its adult time and playtime all in one!

Hi,
I know some people may throw rocks at me for saying this....but have you tried a Christian church? Or a non denominational church. I grew up Catholic as well, and sadly never got anything from it. All the Christian churches I have been to are great. They have great programs for the kids and I just think their messages are always great. I dont go to church as much as I want to but it seems like when I go, I get so much from it. I think your want to need to have this for your kids may be telling you something.....
I think its our jobs as parents to teach our kids. I dont feel like its brainwashing them as some would say. Or if you dont feel like church is for you, you could do it at home. I dont see anything wrong with teaching a child about the bible. To me its history, just like they teach kids in school.
Anyways thats just how I feel about it.

Hi Francesca-
Just wanted to say I am in almost exactly the same situation and I have no good answers either. I've tried many times to find churches, talking to the priests or ministers or whomever the contact person is, and they just aren't providing the answers or spiritual guidance I would like. So, like you, we end up doing nothing and just trying to live good lives. I am going to read your responses though and see if somebody has answers for us! Anyhow, good luck, I'm sure whatever you do, you'll be raising good kids!

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6) and He is the source of all your answers. Giving your life to God is about a personal relationship with Him, not just following a religion. I would encourage you to get a Bible to read and also to find a church so that you can get some direction and help your kids. (It's not all about going to church, but hearing the Word and being with other Christians definitely helps encourage and direct you.) Pray for your husband...God will work in his heart.

Hi Francesca. You're in a tough spot. I understand that you don't want to be hypocritical, and children are quite good at picking up on these things. I'm wondering if you could and would be willing to sit down with a pastor or a priest and talk about your situation. You can't be the only mom in this position, and perhaps they can help you sort things out.

Life can be very hard, and full of anxiety and frustrations. For me, religion has given me the ability to see the bigger picture, i.e., that we're all here for a reason and a purpose, but that this life is transient. We're preparing for life beyond the grave.

I myself have a child with disabilities. After he was born, life was very stressful, very hard. Yet, he was actually the one who has taught me that God is real, heaven is real, the angels are real. Children are so very intuitive -- they can perceive these things.

And what a blessing it has been. My father passed away a few years ago. He was everything to me. I can honestly say that if I did not feel for certain that I will see him again in Heaven, I would have lost my mind.

Your husband sounds like he has some great qualities, and no one can force him or you to believe in something, but it is worth talking to someone for the sake of your children.

God is truly amazing, and very much real.

Hi Francesca, you have a pickle on your hands and my advice to you is to do what you think is right. In my mind, if you a feeling that your kids should be in a church and you feel like a hypocrite if you don't go - maybe that is God telling you that you should be in a church or at least involed in maybe a bible study. I'm Baptist and my husband was raised Catholic. He was not practicing, but didn't have a problem with me going to church or taking our kids. Our kids are active in our youth group (they are 7 & 5) and my husband just recently converted to Baptist. We also have a friend that was in the same boat as you. Their little girl was asking about God and asking to go to church, when Mom found out we went to the children's church (AWANA's) on Wednesday night she asked if her little girl could go with us. And she has been and now brother comes also (Mom brings him). Dad has no intrest in going and has told her that he's not going. But he dosen't have a problem with the kids going (the girl has also come to Sunday school with my girls). So you may want to check out other churchs. Many Baptist chruchs have AWANA's on Wednesday night and Bible studys that you might enjoy without it being a real service. The kids would learn about God and being a Christian and have fun. You husband is right in that you don't have to go to chruch to be a Christian, but it helps to be around other and that's why I thing that finding a Bible study for you and the kids might be a good option. Good luck and I'll pray for you and your family.

It sounds like the Holy Spirit is speaking to you, and God is calling you back to a relationship with Him. I know your question is about what to do with your children concerning church, but I would recommend starting with yourself, especially if your husband isn't on board with raising them as Christians. Your husband certainly has a say in how you raise your kids, but if you decide you yourself want to attend church (or a Bible study, or what have you), then that is your choice. Perhaps by your example your children will gain a further interest in God, and perhaps with the rest of the family ministering to him (if only by example) your husband, too, will return to Christ. If you don't yet have a church or feel uncomfortable searching, start by praying and reading the Bible. God will lead you. Best of luck to you!

This might make me sound like a "freak" but God is important and you need to find a church that is comfortable for all of you. God grounds my children and church gives them a large, loving supportive family. My children are upset when they don't get to go to church and they are active and involved in many other activities.