Confused on How to Deal with My 12-Year-old

You and I need to get together and form a club. I have the same problem with my 15 yr old Christina. She is from my first marriage, her father is active in her life, so is my current husband. I also have triplets who are almost 5, two boys and a girl. Christina screams at them (especially Isabella) from the time she walks in the door til the time she goes to bed. She also doesn't care about anything, school work, keeping her room clean, anyone's feelings, ect. She is also has ADD, ODD (receintly found that one out) and is manic depressive as I am. She has been seeing a therapist for yrs. It got so bad that I was having chest pains from stress because of her. I ended up sending her to her dad's (not far from here) for the rest of the school yr due to her starting to get suspended now as well as failing. She has only been there 5 months and is causing havoc there. Needless to say she will be coming back here the day school gets out because she is not getting the supervision she should be getting over there. I am sorry I am not able to give you a light at the end of the tunnel but at least you know you are not the only one out there. Email me if you would like to chat or just vent. I have been where you are almost since my triplets came almost 5 yrs ago. BTW I just noticed your son's name is Brody. I named one of my triplets Brody as well. :) (Isabella, Logan and Brody).

M.

Welcome to my world. I don't feel like odd man out now. Thanks for sharing your issues.

Anyhoo... my daughter is a couple of years older. And she is exactly the same way. Anybody noticing the GIRL PATTERN HERE??

Her bio dad has only been involved for a year. Before I used to think that it was cause she felt left out (my husbands kids had him, our 6 y/o daughter had him) and maybe she felt like she didn't. But now that her dad is around nothing has changed.

She back talks both me and my husband (we've lived together since she was 4, got married when she was 6, had baby when she was 8. Plenty of time for adjusting to things).

She is so mean to her little sister sometimes, just down right evil mean.

Sometimes I think it's her goal to make our lives as miserable as possible (to the point we have talked about separating)... I think its so she can control the world. I'm not sure why she would be so resentful of my husband, he has been our provider when we had nobody else. She's had a good life, nice things, a roof over her head, she has good food, we go on vacations, etc.

My husband loves her (he just doesn't like her) and I can't say that I blame him because 75% of the time, I don't like her either. I have stuck up for her and defended her when he has been angry at her. And then it always bites me in the butt.

She doesn't do well in school. She treats her teachers the same way a lot of the time. If she thinks a rule is "lame" she has no qualms about letting you know. She got suspended for punching somebody at school.

Y'all don't know me, but I am sort of one of those everybody thinks is so nice types. haha So I don't know where she gets this from, it certainly isn't me!

She has been to physologists, counselors, been on meds (to treat ADD, they did NOT work so I took her off of them)... and just has an I don't care about anything attitude when it comes to most things.

That all being said, she's a good kid. She doesn't get in trouble with the law. We've had no neighbor complaints (lately, this used to happen in the past). She seems to be getting along OK with most of her friends. Jumping from friend to friend is another thing with her I have noticed over the years. No cop calls (1 issue when she was only 6).

I'm still at my wits end... and my next step is sending her away for school (seriously). I think she needs some tough love from a boarding school or something like that.

Take comfort in knowing you are not the only one with these issues.... feel free to private message me if you get any good tips from people on how to deal.

Thanks!

I have a 12 yr old girl also she has her moments also but she is pretty good with her brother and sister whos 9 and 3 ..her problem is cleaning and listening and her lying ..im not sure what i would do but to start off with i'd have a long chat and tell her how its going to be ..you are the parent and she needs to have respect for others and realize that she needs to adjust to being nice to her brothers and sisters and helping around the house..maybe take her stuff she likes ..gameboy,tv, phone privalges away ..my daughter is often grounded and phone privledges and tv time taken away , after shcool events , staying over at friends, going to bdays etc..etc..but she knows we mean what we mean..im not sure if this helps ..good luck

Hello L.,

Yes you are in the wonderful years of hormones , mood swings, nasty looks etc. Our sweet children turn into someone we don't like. It is normal to feel the way you do. I am mom to 2 boys ages 13 and 15 and it starts around 11 yrs old. They are unbearable at times.

You are not alone in all of this and know this to shall pass. My 13 yr old has some anger issues and is starting therapy just so he will have a neutral person to talk with. My oldest son is already in therapy and it does help.

But teens will be teens and it isn't easy. I can say this by far is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. Every night no matter what I tell them goodnight and I love them. They always say it back. It is tough being a teen especially in this day and age. But remember to keep your bounderies for her. It isn't ok to be mean to everyone. If she can't respect you all she can stay in her room etc. Let her know it isn't tolerated and if she continues there will be consequences.

I hope this has eased your mind.. Hang in there we all need to stick together to keep our sanity!!!
L.

L., it sounds like she is a little jeolous of the time you have to give to the other children and she may not know how to express what she is feeling --but does it in a way of anger. She just is not mature enough to understand the needs she has or the needs you have to give to others.. I would suggest asking her if anything is bothering her? If she says,"no' Then tell her You miss her alot. and that you would like to set time aside each week for just her. Let her pick out the something for just you and her. It may take a little time to draw out the gentle side of her, but with consistant quality time she will feel alot different about the whole family unit. Goodluck!! L.

I would suggest getting her into counseling. Maybe she'll open up if she feels like she has someone to talk to that she can trust (I am not saying that she can't trust you...that's just how adolescents think). It sounds like she is dealing with some sibling rivalry. I see it in my 15 year old with my 1 1/2 yr old every now and then. He isn't mean to him but he does get a little jealous sometimes. Also...try to make sure that you set some time aside just for you and Ireland. With 3 little ones in the house your attention obviously has to be on them most of the time and after being the only girl in moms world for 8 years I'm sure she's feeling it.

T.

I know this may seem harsh, but disengage the other kids from her. If they don't have anything to do with her, even when she decides to be nice, maybe she'll realize the hard way what it's like to have her siblings not have anything to do with her.
I'm a step-mom and when my teenage step-kids whom lived with me started treating me really bad I disengaged completley. It didn't take them very long to realize what they lost and they wanted it (me) back, and boy did they change their ways fast.
It's very hard emotionally to do this, but in the end (at least for me), it worked. Maybe your daughter won't take the family for granted anymore.
Good Luck and just know there is someone out there rooting for you!
J. in Macomb!

L.,

I have a similar situation and look forward to see the responses you get - I feel your pain!

Gosh, when reading this, I thought, "This sounds like my situation!" I too, have a daughter from a previous marriage who will be 12 next month. Yes, there is chaos when she comes home from school and argues with her siblings from my current marriage. (I have 4 girls 11, 7, 6 and 4 months and one son, who is 4). I started a "Pillow Talk" book with the advice from a friend. This is something special that just her and I do. I bought a journal and decorated it with puffy paint and sequins. I then wrote something special to her on the first page about how she is becoming a young lady, starting middle school, will be going through changes with her body, and has alot to deal with in going back and forth from our house and her dad's. Sometimes girls this age keep things bottled up inside and don't open up to us moms, so now she knows she can communicate with our "Pillow Talk" book. We write back and forth and slide it under each other's pillows. I let her know, for example, that I'm proud of her for doing a great job on a math test, but she needs to work on sharing her gameboy with her sister. She LOVES this, and will get on me if I'm a few days behind in writing back to her. Hope this helps!

I hate to be like this, but welcome to the teenage years. It is tough on the whole family. Her emotions and hormones are out of control and she doesn't know how to deal with it any better than you do. Stand your ground, don't give in to her. This is the time when she needs tough love more than ever. You can't turn your back on her. When you say if you don't stop acting like this, this will happen, follow through, for everyones sake. I felt like I would never figure out my daughter. She was awful. Finally when she started driving, I had something on her. Even though grounding her from driving was more of a punishment on me than her. Teenage years are the absolute worst, no doubt about it, and they last forever. Parents of terrible twos are in for a rude awakening. If you had teenagers first, you would never have another kid. Boys are much easier than girls as teenagers. They don't seem to be as ugly about everyone and everything around them. Good luck, hold strong, in a few years she'll get better:)Sue.