Confused About Newborn Sleep Training Books, Need Advice for 6 Week Old Baby

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SPOIL A BABY!!! At six weeks, this is NOT THE TIME to try to sleep train!! You are her MOTHER, which is why you KNOW BY INSTINCT to go to her any time EVERY TIME she needs you. The more you tend to her every need NOW the more independent she will be later. She needs to TRUST you will be there for her NO MATTER WHAT! Love her to sleep all you can. Time goes by in a flash and soon she won't want all those snuggles. :`(

I used the baby whisper combined with babywise. I did use a pacifier, though, which she does not like, but we used it only for bedtime and it was easy to wean her of it by the time she was 2. I also read the Happiest Baby on the Block, which uses this method: http://www.babyslumber.com/happiestbaby.html

The swaddling, shushing, sucking, and swaying would calm my baby down easily. For sleeping, I would rock her with her paci and swaddle until she was almost asleep, then put her in her bed. She would usually (not always) put herself to sleep after that.

Good luck, mama!

Hi Julie. Congratulations on your daughter!

You are right -- there are many different books on how to help your baby soothe herself so she can sleep on her own. However, almost every one of them agrees that sleep training should not begin prior to the baby turning at least 3 months old (from 40 weeks gestational). You mentioned Babywise -- and that's the book that claims you can sleep train your newborn. More and more Pediatricians despute this claim and indicate that an infant is not physiologically developed to do this.

These first 3 months of your baby's life is considered "the fourth trimester," in which your daughter's body is adjusting to life outside your womb. Because of this, we need to respond to our baby's needs on demand. I know 3-4 months of sleep deprivation is really, really tough. But you can do it. You will not be spoiling your baby -- I promise. Your daughter has a great number of needs -- and if she has a strong personality she probably seems demanding. This is 100% normal! So follow your heart -- you've already got the right instincts!!

What helped me and my babies at 6 weeks old was "The Happiest Baby On the Block" DVD. It shows you a very simple, easy way to ease your baby during her very fussy times -- it was a lifesaver for me!! Then, after your daughter is 4 months old, pick one book method and stick with it. Consistency is the key no matter which one you pick. I recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," by Marc Weissbluth, MD. He is both a Pediatrician and the country's leading researcher on sleep and its effects on development. I used this with both my kids...and both were sleeping through the night at 10 months old. I've also heard good things about "The Baby Whisperer" so go with that if it sounds reasonable to you.

Good luck!!

The problem I see with a lot of these methods is that parents buy into trying them without regard to the minimum age suggestion. If you do sleep training & CIO too early, it can interfer with the infant's emotional bonding ability. (Yikes!)

My pediatrician advised that you really can't be successful with introducing a schedule to a newborn until it is 4 to 6 months old (4 months at the earliest).

Try to enjoy your baby falling asleep on you right now. She needs her mama, she needs to know she's not abandoned (remember, she can't see very well. Hearing your heartbeat & voice is soothing; that's all she knew before 6 weeks ago). This Itty-bitty baby phase goes by so fast. Try not to squander it.

Your very conflicted right now, let me just first say thats totally ok.
Now to reality. YOUR BABY IS ONLY 6 WEEKS LET IT BE A BABY!!!!! ok You do not need to push the sleep through the night thing till around 4 months for starters. Then you gradually, I mean GRADUALLY progress as the year goes by. Some kids.....takes them a whole freakin year before sleeping through the night (*points to my youngest dd*) Startin g about 16 weeks you will see a better sleep pattern, this is the time to start transitioning. You should not use CIO on a child younger than 6 mos, ever! Even then its only for 5 min incriments (sp).
For now, let baby be babied and spoiled and loved and adored by all. You have 10 weeks till you need to start even thinking of panicing.
Take a breath, relax momma, let it go and go with the flow.

I'm so glad you are coming to MOTHERS for your advice. Men (the authors of the books you mentioned (I don't know who wrote the baby whisperer) have never and will never be mothers. They have no idea how to mother a baby. They are men.
A 6 week old baby needs you to love on her. She needs the rocking, the holding, the loving, the kisses. She was rocked and held by you constantly for 9 months. It's all she knows. The world is so cold and lonely (she can't see that far, she can't get up and crawl in your lap, she can't express her needs other than by crying for you). She needs you to fulfill her needs. Her felt needs are true needs at this point in her life. She doesn't understand preferences, wants, wait a minute. She only understands "I'm alone. Where's my mommy? I need my mommy. Help!" You cannot spoil a baby. Think about it. By responding to her needs, you are teaching her that you are trustworthy. You are reliable. You love her. You will meet her needs. As she gets older, she will understand "Wait a minute. Mommy will be right there." She will understand that you are in the next room. She will KNOW that you love her, you will always take care of her, you are trustworthy. She doesn't know that yet. Teach her this. It actualy produces more confident and less whiney children (from what I have seen and heard). Is there any good reason why you want to make a 6 week old baby "independent?" She is extremely dependent. On you. Enjoy her without the guilt. They have totally missed the mark on this one. Why are they trying to sever the natural inclination of a mother and her child? It makes no sense.

She is only 6 weeks old. Let her fall asleep in your arms then put her down you will not create any bad habits this young.

If it makes you feel better, I nursed my boys to sleep from day 1 and my youngest nursed to sleep until he was 2, and both are excellent sleepers because they are firmly attached to me and know that no matter what I'm there. They were nver left to cry it out.

She's only *6wks old*, please DO run to her when she cries, please DO nurse her when she needs it, and please DO rock and kiss and hug and hold her whenever she needs it because this time flies by s ofast and you are making permanent bonds right now. Leaving a baby to cry does not make independence, it makes an anxious baby who learns that his needs won't be met when he needs them.

you are following your heart and thats what you should do. Throw out the baby books, follow her cues and your heart and relax, your life will be so much easier and so will hers!

After 5 kids (who all slept through the night by 8 weeks -- even the 5th one, who had to be HELD 24/7 for the first 6 weeks), I love the idea that the first 3 months they are alive are the "4th trimester" and follow your instincts accordingly. My youngest is 7 months, I NEVER let her cry (or any of them for that matter), and she is one of the most placid babies I have had :) When my oldest was born, there were few books on sleep issues, and I just followed my instincts -- do that, and you will be fine. Good luck, and this will pass in no time :) Ok - if she is a year old, and will not sleep, then you might want to read a book :) but in the meantime, don't worry so much.

From my experience (2.5 y/o and 9 m/o) when it comes to things like sleeping books are useless and that mom-instinct is the way to go. Prime example, the books say if you don't get your baby to fall asleep on his or her own they'll never learn to sleep through the night. Well, I rocked my 2.5 y/o to sleep every nigh for 2 years because it was the only way he would fall asleep, and he started sleeping through the night between 8 and 10 weeks. My 9 month old has been putting himself to sleep since he was around 5 or 6 months and he still wakes up at least once a night. Personally, I think the goal at this age to create a secure baby, so do whatever you need to do to create that, and if that means rocking to sleep every night, then so be it.

With that said, though, I do firmly believe in creating a bed-time routine from the beginning. I did that with both my boys from the day they came home from the hospital. I picked a bed-time (which for us is 7pm). At that time I get my little one in his pj's (even if he wore pj;s all day I'd still change him into a fresh pair), then rock/sing him to sleep. At around 4 months I started putting him down while almost asleep and then worked my way to putting him down while still awake (note, this didnt' work at all for my older son, hence the rocking til he was 2). On bath nights we do a bath, then pj's, etc. I now start off with a book before I sing. When he wakes up in the night I keep his room dark and rock him back to sleep. In my opinion, by creating a bed-time routine from a very young age you're teaching your baby the difference between night and day. I have friends who didn't set up a routine from the beginning at had sleeping issues later on down the road (ie toddlers who won't go to bed before 10pm or babies who wake up at min-night and think it's play time). Also, at 6 weeks it's still okay to rock a baby to sleep. They need it as it creates a secure feeling for them. Remember, the world is still a very new place for them and they're still getting used to it. I wouldn't worry too much about getting your baby to sleep on her own right now. You can start weaning her into that at around 4 months with the goal getting her to fall asleep on her own by 6 months. And remember, it's okay if this doesn't work for you. Every baby is different, which is why ultimatly you should follow your mommy-instincts.

A.

At 6 weeks....NO METHOD! lol I just fed them if it looked like they needed to be fed (also exclusively breastfed) or rocked them, cuddled them, kissed them. I never let them cry it out at that age. They are too little and have no idea how to manipulate mama. They just want love and cuddles.
I know that all the "experts" say not to nurse and let the baby fall asleep, but to put them to bed awake. I never did that with my second son. He nursed until he fell asleep and then I would put him in his swing. At 8 weeks he slept through the night because I cheated and put him in his swing. Whatever works!!
When he woke up in the morning (5:30) I would sit up and nurse him until he fell asleep again,and then back in his swing. It worked until he was about 3 or 4 months, and then we just switched him into his crib.
It looks like you are a first time mama. It is so confusing, I know. Even asking this question will get you a lot of different responses because every parent parents differently. You need to go with your gut. At this time your baby is still VERY young.
(the only thing I regetted, with my first son, was co-sleeping. For ME, in MY situation...it did NOT work.)
L.

Your child is much too young for sleep training. They need to be at least 6 months old. Right now your child needs to wake up often to feed his or her rapidly growing brain. It is a biological necessity. I know some mothers will tell you how their baby slept through the night sooo early but I really think that 1. either they have very optimistic memories or 2. They have a child who really is the exception. Most children need to wake up and eat to grow. I know it is terribly difficult and no-one really tells you how hard it is to be sooooo sleep-deprived. But take good care of your baby by meeting its needs...don't worry eventually he or she will sleep eventually.

I don't have a lot of time because I have 3 little ones that need me, but I feel compelled to tell you that I totally identify with you. I was just like you when I had my first baby at age 31. I read a lot of books and I wanted to get it right when it came to parenting. When my daughter was 2 months old, fussy all day long (yet slept well at night) and I had breastfeeding issues that still make me shutter, I called my sister (a great Mom of 3) and asked her which book was right and shared my feeling of not ever feeling like I "got it right" when it came to mothering. She said, "Put down the book and look at your baby." That was the best advice anyone ever gave me. It should have been obvious, after all I'm a midwife and had heard for years "Don't look at the chart, look at your patient." Books can be helpful, but all babies are unique and no one loves or knows your baby like you do. So, in short---Follow your heart! I've tried a lot of things to get babies to sleep, but the one I regret the most is the CIO. It seemed to enhance the clinginess of my daughter during the day and make bedtime nothing short of chaos. She felt abandoned and I was a nervous wreck. My experience has taught me that meeting a child's needs quickly when they are a baby instills security and teaches trust. So, follow your instincts and just love her, hold her, and rock her. You only have a few months until she's wriggling out of your arms to go play. Enjoy this time--it passes pretty quickly. You sound like a wonderful mother. Yes, parenting is hard sometimes, but you can do it! Best wishes! R., a nurse-midwife mom of 3

Hi! It looks like you already have alot of suggestions, but I wanted to tell you my story. I actually read some of those books and drove myself crazy trying to do what the books said. Listen to your child, what they want is truly what they need. My daughter needed comfort and love and still does to this day, but don't we all?!? As long as you set boundaries for what works with you, your child and your family then that is all that matters. Every child is different and you will soon realize you have to do whats right for them. The one thing that I stick to is to put my daughter to bed awake. Now she is 2 and she can go to bed on her own. Every now and then I will rock her, but she usually wants to got to bed with her book or something. It is good to have boundaries and a routine. We have a routine of eat, bath, milk, brush teeth,read books and bed. It really does work for us. I started this at week 6, without the brushing teeth part until she had teeth and it works. Hopefully you find this helpful. But really if I were to be able to go back and re-do, I would listen to myself and the baby, that is what is right! Good Luck.

With my first baby, we used the book "baby whisperer" and it made our life miserable. We spent more time, like you said holding my daughter to soothe her between feeding times, when I know she would have slept great if she was near me. With my son, we decided to just go with my instinct and see how things went. My life was sooo much better and so was my sons, because I kept him with me while sleeping at the begining and I also rocked him to sleep. He is now 5 and half months old and sleeps in a crib ( we transition to a crib at 3 months). I think your baby is too young to learn how to pacify and soothe themselves to sleep. You won't spoil your baby by helping them at this stage. Ignore the books, go with your gut. Your baby is not spoiled and will have plenty of time in the future to learn how to fall asleep on their own. My pediatrician told me that before 6 months babies don't learn from crying it out ( they don't remember next time), so each time they cry it out for them she said it's like the first time. Hope that helps

It's great that you are letting your mama instincts take over and comforting your baby when she cries. I think it's really sad that "methods" such as crying it out even exist. We are humans meant to comfort and take care of each other and you think you will do just fine. :) Try not to get too caught up in the methods and just listen to your baby, If it doesn't feel right, it probably is not right for your baby at all! With my first I could lay next to her and pat her on the back til she fell asleep, with my second I had to hold him (now I can just lay next to him) and he has to nurse and I'm ok with that. I admit when he really little it was very frustrating for me that I was (and still am) the only one who can put him to sleep. If you are married or have a partner try to get them involved in rocking or feeding her to sleep. That is my number one regret. Also for the longest time he would need to nurse til he was completely asleep which sometimes took an hour and it made me so mad I wanted to stop nursing completely, but in the last few months I finally cut him off when he was almost asleep. There was a lot of crying but i stayed with him and comforted him instead of leaving him to scream by himself and now he falls asleep just fine when i tell him it's time to be done nursing and go to sleep.

Some nights when I don't feel like running up and down the stairs all night to comfort my son (especially when he is sick) I just sleep next to him in his full sized bed- kids always sleep better when they know you are right there next to them. Co-sleeping is a whole nother issue but I've been amazed how nice and easy it has been for our family.

Oh one more thing I would say is that sometimes when the baby peeps and you run to her try to just pat her on the back instead of picking her up- sometimes I run over too quick and sometimes they will settle by themselves after a few seconds..

Giving my daughter, and later my grandson, lots of touch, soft jogging, patting, and rocking in my arms, soothing voice, etc. as they needed it was what worked for me. It was demanding for the first few months, and I would never consider doing it any other way, even if "easier" for me.

I also strongly recommend The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. He recommends you respond to your baby's needs, which is what she's expressing for the first several months of her life. She knows nothing about manipulation, only crying or fussing when she's feeling hungry, uncomfortable, or in need of holding and comfort.

There's also a wealth of research-based reassurance that you can't spoil your baby here: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/babies

Dr. Karp has some pretty amazing techniques for soothing babies and helping them sleep. See him in action in these video clips and other links you'll be offered on YouTube:

How-to's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re...

Enhanced sleep: http://www.youtube.com

Interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu0TtxO-ocY&feature=re... /watch?v=Tk5MUOMecHI&NR=1

Hi J.. As a mom of 4 I really understand your concern about the sleep issues. It can be hard for a first time parent to know the best thing to do. Here's a quick lo-down. As far as books. There are good ones and there are bad ones. The ones that don't resonate with you are the bad ones. The ones that make sense to you are a better fit to your beliefs. First, really think about why you need her to get on a structured sleep schedule now. Babies sleeping will change throughout the first few years and what you do now wont' work in a few months. She sounds like a very easy baby and it seems like whatever you do (out of wisdom and love) will probably work for her. But follow HER cues. So maybe you don't need to run to her every time she makes a peep. Babies have an amazing ability to calm themsleves down when they feel safe and loved....which requires alot of positive attention from you. (when you THINK you have to pick her up when she makes a peep, ask yourself, "what if I give her a few moments to see what happens?" Then take a few deep cleansing breaths to release whatever anxieties you are experiencing in that moment).
That said, when babies cry it out for long periods of time without a caregiver trying to help them, it raises their stress level which raises their cortisol level which in turn will make it more difficult for them to calm themselves down.
I don't think there is one right way to get a baby to sleep. Sure it makes it easier for mom and dad if baby goes to sleep by herself. But we didnt' become parents so life would be easier for us did we? :) I've had my share of one of my kids wanting to sleep with us until she was 5 yrs old, another one being totally ok on her own at a young age, another child who needed me to be with her until she fell asleep, and another one who went from nursing fast asleep in my bed to bassinet to crib to bed without a fuss and is still an awesome sleeper. They are all different. You and your husband have to figure out what your beliefs are....what is really true for you, what will work for your family, and what your baby needs. Books are great. Advice is great. Take what really fits with you and listen to your instincts. Logically thinking every little detail through won't serve you or your baby in the long run. Your inner wise mamma is really within you. Just dig a little deeper. You will find her :)

Best wishes and enjoy as much as you can with your baby. She's only been on this earth for 6 weeks. It goes by fast.

A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Most of the sleep training programs are for older babies, more like 5-6 months or older. You might as well enjoy cuddling her while she is tiny because they grow so fast the first year. My older one I fed and put to bed in the crib sleepy but awake then I read a story and said goodnight. He had a nightlight toy in the crib. He fussed for under a minute and then settled down. My second one I let her fall asleep in my lap after a feeding (she is more cuddly, less wiggly than her brother). She got used to being put in the crib mostly asleep and would open hr eyes, look around and go back to sleep. Once she got older maybe 6 months or so I read a story and put her in the crib and she settles down most of the time. Now she is 2 so sometimes if she had too long a nap she is standing up saying "out, play."

If there's one thing I wish I could tell every new mother, it would be to throw away those types of books immediately. People have been raising children for millennia without the aid of so-called experts and you are certainly capable of it as well. Will you screw up sometimes? Undoubtedly. And you'll pay for it, lol. But then you'll learn and move on and try to do better next time.

If the worst thing that happens from all of this is that your daughter needs to be rocked/nursed/whatevered to sleep every night, then so what? Eventually, you'll have to break her of it, but that's a problem for another day. Why even worry about it now? And it most likely won't be the kind of "battle" that you think it will anyway.

I think I'm going to publish my own book on parenting and call it "Go With the Flow." It will, of course, be blank inside because this is YOUR journey and these are YOUR pages to write. You won't regret anything, because every decision you make will be out of love and devotion to your child. A mother's instincts are extremely powerful and should never be ignored. So learn to trust those instincts, even if they're telling you to do something that Sears or Ferber or anyone else recommends against. Simply put: do what works best for you and your baby and you can't go wrong.

For me, it was putting my son to sleep in a vibrating chair for the first six months of his life. For my daughter, it was a swing. They both transitioned easily to their cribs and now, at the ages of four and five, sleep peacefully in their own beds all night. Though they do often sneak into my bed for snuggling, which I love...just another thing that some "expert" out there is surely warning people against, lol.

Best of luck to you, J.. Enjoy this stage (in both of your lives) because it is truly a precious one.

I also found the sleep books overwhelming ( and I only read one). My ped told me my baby couldn't self soothe before 6 mos, so I kept that in mind. It is easy to think that you might be setting up bad habits, but please give yourself a break...just the fact that you are thinking about sleep now is good and you will do fine. It's okay to ponder stuff, but you have some time to sort it all out.

I started a sleep routine for naps and bed at 3 mos, just to build an association with relaxing and that routine. Even before that I introduced soothing music and a stuffed animal (that could attach to crib rail--Gentle Giraffe by cloud B-it's wonderful) at sleep time.

At 6 weeks, I would rock my baby to sleep for naps, and put him down drowsy for bedtime. What I regret is that I felt that at one year it was harder to find a sitter for him that was willing to rock him to sleep and then put him in his crib for naps (he is a big boy). I always thought I would stop rocking him when he went down to one nap. Instead I stopped at 15 mos, which was 3.5 mos before he went to one nap.

I also found CIO was okay for me because I had noticed that the sometimes needed to let off steam before sleeping. (like 2 mins of crying). I got to know why he was crying, that made it easier to accept CIO, because it seemed more like boundary setting. What made the difference was that I had time to get to know my child's personality and needs, so I was able to accept some CIO in order to let him know that bedtime was bedtime.

I did use some props, (binky, rocking) and I had a plan for how I would eliminate them as my son got older. It all worked out.

I hear your concern and it reminds me of how stressed I got about healthy sleep for my baby. Well, in time we sorted it out and I believe you will too.

If you need personal, compassionate and experienced support Sweet Dreams Pdx offers sliding scale sleep training consultations. Feel free to email any questions and get support.
http://sweetdreamspdx.com/

I wanted to second Alejandrina. I was also going to say that you're really lucky if you only have to figure out sleep once. Or for that matter most anything. It will be an ongoing process. (Personally for me it's been potty training. I never know if my daughter is finally potty trained or not. She just goes back and forth.) Give a sleep issue a few days before you concern yourself too much with it. It could be temporary. So for right now just go with your instinct.