Confused - Wilton,NH

Oh my. T., I've been married for almost 7 years and know exactly how you feel. We went to counseling for a while. I felt so much better so we stopped going. Unfortunately I'm back to feeling unhappy. I'm probably no help to you, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
Good Luck
K.

Hi T.,

I was in your situation 2 years ago. I am also a SAHM and had small children at the time. To make a long story short, my hubby and I had problems for a year and even went to counseling together, and also individual counseling. Nothing changed and he started seeing someone else. So I left him and filed for divorce. We went through 4 nasty months of fighting and stuff people do during a divorce (and I swore we never would). Right before our divorce was final he and I had a moment where we decided to stop fighting (we were just so exhausted from it)and work on being co-parents cause we were hurting our kids. It was then that we started putting ourselves back together again and realized we never fell out of love, we just didn't take good enough care of OUR relationship. The marriage needs to come first since it is the foundation for the family. Do you love him? Because being "in love" is where the work comes in. You have to date each other, make time for each other, turn the tv off and just spend quality time together. When you have small children, you tend to give them everything you have and by the time hubby comes home from work, you have nothing left to give him or yourself. Don't let your finances and children define who you two are as a couple. My suggestion to you is to try to carve out time and energy for each other to try to bring back the romance. Do everything you can because your choices hurt your children. If you can't make it work, try a trial seperation. As my grandmother told me...if I had to get nearly divorced so that we could untangle our lives and put them back together again so it will work then it's worth it. It sounds to me like you need time and love, not a divorce. I believe that marriage is like a rollar coaster and that over the years you fall in and seemingly out of love with each other several times, but each time you fall deeper. Don't give up yet cause life gets a little easier when the kids get a little older! P.S. We never finalized the divorce and we have now been married for 7 years.

I"m sorry you are so confused.. I'm not going to give you advice, but just remember, every marriage goes thru tough times. MOney is a huge stress on families, especially when one doesn't work.. You have two very young chilren and that also brings a huge stress.. Can you get out for some alone time for yoga or some girl time with friends every once in a while? It may help to remove yourself a little from the situation. How does your husband feel? Does he feel the same way? I wish you luck.

I am not in the same situation as you but just wanted to give you some questions to think about. Is there someone else who you have feelings for? Are you sure if you divorce you will truly be happy? Sometimes, oftentimes, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I think a marriage is a sacred thing and I think you need to really consider this before deciding to divorce. But, whatever you decide to do, stay strong because hopefully it will get easier.

I know it's difficult for you. My husband and I have been seperated since September and have just recently decided to divorce. We had very similar problems. Unfortunatly the only person who can decide if or for how long you should stay in the marriage is you. Have you thought about Financial counseling and then maybe some of the stress would let up and you may feel different. If you do decide to end the marriage there are some wonderful support groups for single parents. Also it doesn't have to be a bad split. If done right you could build a wonderful friendship with each other.

T., I am not sure what your beliefs are but I believe marriage to be a lifelong commitment (with very limited exceptions), often times these days people are quick to just give up when things get difficult- we are afraid of hard work. Marriage is hard work!! I am not saying that you are not working for your marriage, it sounds like you have taken steps in the right direction. But I have found that perspective makes a world of difference in our lives. If you are looking at the difficult times in your relationship wondering when to call it quits, you will work towards that end. If you focus on what is not perfect about your life/husband/relationship you will certainly see ending it as your only choice. If you choose to take the time to remember why you were in love in the first place, what you are blessed with now and what you personally can do to improve you situation I think you'll find that you are not so focussed on when to end it but where it could go from hear. Every day we have a choice to make; we can choose to be unforgiving, we can choose to be easily annoyed by little trivial things and we can choose to focus on the negetive. Or we can make the choice, and it is a concious effort, to see the good in every situation. We control our own happiness by our perspective. For me, I rely on God. I am not sure where you are spiritually but I can tell you it helps to know someone else is in control and has my best interest in mind. I would like to recommend a book that has helped me better understand how to find true joy in my marriage and love being a wife; the book is called "Created To Be His Help Meet" By Debi Pearl. It is funny, realistic and full of wisdom.
I pray God blesses your efforts.

I'm sorry to hear of your unhappiness. My only questions is: Do you do anything to make yourself HAPPY? Do you have a hobby you get to enjoy by yourself? Do you have friends you can go to dinner with by yourself? I know for me when I started feeling the stress on my marriage it was because I wasn't taking time-out for me. I have 2 children 3 and 19months. I work full-time and my husband works full-time plus a part-time job. We too are financially strapped and have very little family time. We found that family time comes naturally but have to make time for ourselves, both of us, and that made our marriage stronger. I hope that helps a little.

All though I myself am not married. I feel that if you know deep down in your heart that you are not IN LOVE with your husband and you know that you will never have those feelings again then the sooner the better for your kids. It will be harder on the 12 yo but the other 2 are still young. It's better to seperate when your kids are young and don't know that much. I was 6 when my parents divorced and it sucked. IF there is even a lil chance that you might someday fall back in love then maybe try living apart like you are divorced and try dating eachother for awhile so if it doesn't work out he's already living somewhere else and the kids will already be adjusted. A friend of mine was seperated from his wife 5 years before they decided to get back together. Yes they saw other people till they were sure they wanted to be together for sure. I hope everything goes better for you. I know these things suck. I was in the same situation just with the father of my son. We have been together 2 years. Take care.

T. I have to say that it breaks my heart to hear stories like this. I don't know you or your husband or first marriage etc but I will tell you from experience that marriage and kids are VERY tough for alot if not most people. I am on my 2nd and final marriage. We have been married 7 yrs with twin boys that are 6 1/2. There was a time we seperated for a few months. It was the best thing we did. The reason I'm saying that is because sometimes when you are having problems (and at the time, some of ours were finances also) and home w/each other, I think its hard to deal with along w/all the other stresses at the same time. Our period seperated was awful but showed both of us what are our priorities were and what we really wanted. I'm not telling everyone to seperate when they have problems but from the amount of time that your saying this has been going on, and the fact that your both doing counseling and your now asking MOMS their opinions when your already getting professional help, this tells me that you just can't make up your mind. Has it been a thought to do a trial seperation? I hate to see marriages fall apart and I know your saying that you think your out of love for him but maybe by not living together, you will give yourself a chance to know for sure. I just think its hard if your having that out of love feeling while living together and it might be making worse. I'm sure your getting advise from your counselors. I wish you all the luck and just remember that your right about the kids being happy and if your not, they won't be either.
M.

T.,
i can truly relate to how you feel. i am also a stay at home mom of four and i actually just started working 3 evenings a week to help out financially. when your living paycheck to paycheck and you barely make enough to pay the bills and do a decent grocery shopping, that in itself is stressful. now add kids into the mix and throw in a husband your exhausted and overwhelmed! i know things seem tough and that's life, but when things get bad try to remember the little everyday blessings that we take for granted and overlook. i commend you for going to counseling and if things aren't changing be honest with your therapist maybe there's a different approach he could take or maybe your dealing with some depression and need to look into combining medication with your counseling. i hope everything works out for you.

i have been feeling the same way, but i just think, honestly, that these are hard times...we picked this man for a reason, we chose to have children with HIM, and we had other choices.......those are tough ages with your kids, and you are probably tired and stressed and worried, i would hang in there, not every month (or year) is going to be pretty or nice. i am going through a very very similar situation, and my husband can be a total jerk, all his stress lands in my lap, so i am not in a perfect situation. OUr money is tight, everything seems impossible, but i am hanging in there because i BELEIVE wholeheartedly, that this is forever and someday we will look back and be amazed that we survived