Confused - San Diego,CA

1) He lied to you about communication with her.
2) He finally accepted to tell you a partial truth - one you had already known about - but now you've heard of him cheating on you and he's denying it.

How many times are you going to accept this assholes lies before you make him take responsibility for his actions?

IS this something you feel you can deal with? The feeling of betrayal will not go away and gaining back trust can be a major lifetime work in progress.

It really doesn't matter whether you should believe him, the question is do you believe him. If you don't believe him you need counseling. You need to get the trust back.

well, you've already caught him in some lies. What do you think? If you dont mind him "talking" to other women there is no issue, but since your husband hid it from you my guess is that he knew you would "react". Are you over reacting or just reacting? Ask him to invite her to lunch with both of you.

.

He's already lied to you several times. He only seems to fess up when you've caught him with evidence. I feel sorry for you, but you already know the answer to your own question. Would he lie about having an affair when he lies about what leads up to one?

If he hasn't already slept with her, it's just a matter of time. If he were not planning on being with her, he wouldn't have lied in the first place.

So sorry,
Dawn

Tell him since he is friends with this woman, and you know all his other friends, that he should invite her over to dinner, so you can get to know her also.

Suggest fixing her up with one of his single friends so you can all "double date".

If it is all innocent, then neither of these suggestions should bother him.

What is the quality of their emails? Is it just chit chat about jobs and long lost mutual friends and daily life? Or is it more intimate - thoughts, feelings, longings? Some of my male friends from school and what not, are married, but we chat occasionally on FB - BUT their wives know me also, as we have all known each other for years.

You need to sit down, calmly, and make clear to him that you are uncomfortable with his talking to a women that he used to like. Your feelings should come first with him.

I don't think a few emails implies cheating...but, you need to make your feelings very clear to him so he knows where you stand on this matter.

Good Luck and God Bless

Well I ran into my old boyfriends before on many of the social networks. Classmates, FB and even at work. One of them I truly thought I was going to marry one day. We went through thick and thin together all through high school. We chatted through email mostly. Caught up on our lives. It was great, fun and at times exciting. Thing is I included my husband in on the conversations. He even asked him questions through me. ( My husband is so not jealous at all. Drives me crazy sometimes...like don't you care. LOL- he says I will not allow the green monster to control my life. If you don't want me then go.) back to old BF. He asked me to stop emailing him, because his wife found out and he did not want to fight with her. So I did . I miss chatting with him....because he was an old friend. We did not work out back then, and would not ever in the future. Don't read too much into it, unless he hides things from ya. As long as you have access to his world... your in great shape.

I was in a very similiar situation last year - however - my husband and I had been together almost 20 years at that point - so we had a lot more history/time to establish patterns, expectation etc.

Anyhow - my husband was hanging out/calling/this girl from work - she was the trouble maker in the office and he took her under his wing. I didn't appreciate it - asked him to stop - he said he would but he didn't. I caught him a few weeks later via cell phone - he had 2 texts from her about them "meeting for lunch" - I flipped out and it almost caused a divorce. He maintains to this day they NEVER slept together or anything sexual - and I believe him since she was pregnant with his co-workers baby - but it doesn't mean the whole thing was wrong. Look at your husband - is there anything going on in his life that might make him act out of character? My husband's dad had just died (young and unexpected) he had a horribly stressful job that took up like 70 hours of his week - in other words he was in a bad place. This girl made him feel important and paid attention to him. I ulitmately met her and that was the end of it....we spent some time in counseling, renewed our vows and it's better. I still sometimes wonder if there was more but I need to believe - for our sake - that there wasn't. Sometimes it's just better to move on...good luck.

If you feel the need to check his emails, etc-you already know something is up, it's just a really hard thing to face. From personal experience, when you 'catch' them and then they make an excuse that sounds like it could possibly make sense, (cuz you want it to), but then you still feel the need to dig further...most likely he's lying.

To me (and keep in mind, I've been there so I'm not completely unbiased), he knows the gig is almost up so he is trying to cut you off at the pass in order to buy himself time. My guess he wants to see where this thing is going or if it is with the other woman.

I'd force him into a corner. Tell him if there is nothing going on, then he won't mind you calling her or better yet-the three of you getting together for lunch! If he stammers all over himself or makes a bunch of excuses, there is definatley something going on...

Trust me-if there is, it sucks. And it's really, really painful-but that is better then living with a liar-cuz once they do it and get away with it, they do it again.

i would think he was cheating....but my ex did similar thnigs and i chose to believe him and found out he was cheating for 10 years sooooo I may be biased.....but i also know that habitual lying is never good, and whether hes cheating or not its doomed to fail if you don't go to counseling and he ddoesn't admit to more than what u found out

I ended a relationship with someone I cared deeply for over something like this. The circumstances were completely different, but the real issue was exactly the same. What it came down for was this: It didn't really matter to me whether or not he DID what I was questioning whether he had or had not done. The fact that I was standing there WONDERING was what mattered to me. If I can't trust you, that is a MAJOR MAJOR issue. Bottom line. If I can't trust you, you must not deserve my trust, thus I won't trust you. You can't have a relationship I would ever want to be in, without trust.
I told him that. "Doesn't matter whether you did or didn't... what matters is that I can't trust you and am wondering whether you did or didn't. That I don't know what to believe." That is the answer---I didn't know what to believe. I couldn't trust him. So I ended it. It was hard. But I moved on. I've been married now for almost 15 years to someone whom I could trust with any and everything and has NEVER abused ANY level of trust and holds it in the same high regard that I do. There are men out there that are trustworthy. If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him. Get counseling to figure out if you ever can (again?). You are married, so you can't just walk away. Give it an honest shot with counseling. But you must be able to trust him at some point, or your relationship is doomed.

Hi Chely, Us other moms out here don't know your husband so we can't in all honesty judge him. I think you need to look at a few things, first how is your's and your husband's itamacy going, has his work schdule all of the sudden changed, is he dressing different, is he wearing colonge when he usually doesn't. For now if he said he has not cheated, let it go, you can push him into an afair with accusations. You may get a lot of advice from moms who say don't believe him, well sweetie I've been married to my husband for almost 30 years and trust is very important for a solid marriage. Grandma gave you good advice, all the other advice is distructive to your marriage and very wordly. J.

What does he expect from you? Honesty and to be up front? What's good for the goose...

I would tell him to stop communicating with her. Tell him that it makes you jealous that there is another woman that he is emotionally connected to and that if he feels that he needs that kind of a friend that you can be that for him or he could go to a counselor or a guy friend to discuss those things. Tell him that you trust him and understand that it may not be anything physical between him and her yet but that you know that (women are sneaky) it has to start somewhere and you want it stopped now. He has not given you reason in the past to doubt him. Let him straighten this out himself. If he knows that you are checking his emails then he will change his password or find other ways to communicate. Get her phone # and check his calls and texts. Chances are they are all incoming from her to him and they will become less frequent.

I'm not sure how much I would believe from him at this point - if he's married to you, there's no reason for him to be exchanging phone numbers with someone from his past and e-mailing back and forth. And he's already lied to you about that, why couldn't he be lying about other things? Maybe he has not "technically" cheated yet, but his behavior is not exactly above board either, and it could lead to other things if it has not already.

Sorry...

if you believe the cock and bull story that he trying to sell you, i got a bridge in brooklyn i would like to talk to about, bottom line, he lies like a cheap rug. he doesnt talk to her, he just constantly sends her texts and emails, give me a break. why does he bother to wear pants, if he never pulls them up ?oh, well, when his little girlfriend comes up pregnant, he will suddenly decide to play husband of the year, and drop her like a hot rock. you can do better then him, deary.if he will lie about seeing someone on the side, then what else has he lied to you about ???
K. h.

I agree with Grandma, is possible that he didn't told you because he was afraid you would think he was cheating.
But like I tell my daughter, sometimes is not what she does but the lie.
I think he made a big mistake by keeping in a secret because now he is making it seem worst then what may be happening.
To me the lie would be what bother me first, then I would see if it is something else going on. Time to talk again about trust and how lie kills the trust.
There is a reason why they are "ex" (but sometimes we tend to forget and just remember the good side) and you are his "is", but it doesn't hurt to keep an eye on that too.

You feel confused because what your hubby says doesn't match what he does. You have to decide which you want to believe.