Competition Between Siblings

Thanks for posting P., I needed this very much! I have no advice except Hang In There This To Shall Pass!! :)

I read an article once that was titled "I am an unfair Mommy" or something like that. The writer made the point that she cannot spend all her time and energy trying to be fair with her kids. (Much like most of the posters here have commented.) She had a unique solution, though. Each of her two children got to have their own day - one child got even dates, the other got odds. When there was a squabble about something, the decision went to the child whose day it was. Then mom didn't have to try to remember who got to do what last, and she could always remind the "off-day" child that his or her day would be tomorrow. I suppose you might have to remind the "on-day" child that tomorrow is his/her sibliings day, so if s/he cooperates with his/her sibling today, sibling will probably cooperate with him/her tomorrow.

I too would recommend "Siblings Without Rivalry." I have heard many excellent reviews about it.

Best of luck,
S.

Hi All, Sorry but I have a completely different take on this! First off, make sure they each have their own responsibilities that they have to take care of. And because they are so close in age I imagine they have lot of the same toys? Stop that practice immediatly! Seperate all there toys so that it is clear what belongs to who. Then whoever that toy belongs to they are the owners and just like you own your car they own that toy and have a say in who gets to play with it and when. At first they are going to be selfish with them because they can be. But soon they will find that sharing is more fun and when they want to play with something that is their brothers they are going to share so brother with share. You can think of it like this. you have your own car, and nobody makes you "share" your car with your neighbor. But what if our govenment one day said sorry you HAVE to share. You must give your car to your neighbor to drive today it's thier turn. You would not have it right! Well you are the "government" in your kids life and when you MAKE them share it's not right. Nobody learns the joy of sharing and giving when they are forced to do it. Oh and I do agree life is not fair! So stop trying to make it. Kids have to learn just like adults do that sometimes things don't work the way we want and we have choices on how to deal with it. The sooner they learn this the easier life they will have later on!
If the fighting continues I would have them work completely seperately until they realize they want there brother or sisters company! Two hands make work much faster and fun.
That's my take on it.
J.

You need to learn a "Brain dead 1 liner" like "I know" or "I love you to much to argue" It's simple - no charts, no tracking. When you ask one to do something and the other starts complaining... just repeat to them "I know" or "Love you too much too argue"- whatever your style is.
So when they say..
1. How come I don't get to do it - "Love you too much too argue"
2. but it's not fair " --"Love you too much too argue"
3. He always gets to do the fun stuff - "Love you too much too argue"
4. Your mean/ I don't love you any more - "Nice try"

With this brain dead approach you're teaching them that they'll get no where with whining, arguing especially when it's just over silly stuff - reasoning doesn't work. Set your limit and stick to it by going brain dead.

There's a great love & logic tape in library "When kids drain your energy" or take one of my Love & Logic classes. My next one starts Friday April 11th see info at www.shellymoorman.com

Good luck!!

(1)This is normal. Siblings are going to bicker. Let them problem solve themselves. (2)You can't make things equal --- but keep trying to be fair. (3)They need to learn to take turns (that's fair). (4)They need to learn they don't always get their way. (5)They need to learn to entertain themselves and be independent. (6)Operate like a school. Kids take turns having duties.

P., this is a very interesting situation!
My boys are 2 years apart as well, only now they are 25 and 23, great friends (every since and forever).
What do I say: you do everything right!!!
It may be some period,
and why don't you just join the game,
and literally put two of everything everywhere (to pre-care about such situations) and ask each of them to put a cup on the drawer, and such...and make it funny also,
DO NOT START MAKING ANGRY FACES AT THEM FOR SUCH REQUESTS, PLEASE!
I am almost assured IT IS SOME PERIOD OF THEIR LIFE, WHEN THEY NEED EQUALITY AND CONFIRMATION OF IT EVERY MOMENT!
Just remember to keep the environment friendly, safe and fun.
try to think creatively, and apply all the ways of how to turn it into a pleasant game.
They challenge us, our children, I know!
But overall and besides this issue, you are a happy family, right?
So, go from there, and happy be for all of you!!!
Wish you all the best!

I agree with the ladies ahead, by being so equal it will backfire, when one is asked to do something let the other one know that you will ask him next time, and there is always a next time, I have this problem in my house with my little ones and in the beginning it is frustrating but they are learning that there time to help will happen usually 2 minutes after I asked the first one. Life isn't always fair so teach them the lesson know so you don't have much bigger problems later!!!!

I have 4 kids...7,4,2, and 10 mo. I think it is too tiring to keep things fair. But, there is a balance so you don't favor one child all the time. I heard someone say last week, "How can we raise our children encouraging their uniqueness if we don't treat them uniquely." I also heard someone once tell their child when they said something wasn't fair that "fair is burning in Hell, you don't want fair." A little harsh, but they were teenagers and they could handle it. The truth is we need to teach our children about what grace and mercy really is and teach them God's way of "fairness" Sorry this is so long, but again it's all about balance.

I have a three year old son and a six year old daughter, it is the same with them. It is just normal behavior. I try to be fair but as you are aware little things can be a battle. I just say the name of who I need as my helper very loudly and explain then the next time the other child gets to do it so there is no arguement or race to get it done first. I just hope when my kids are teens they have that same eagerness, hee hee.
Don't do everything twice, just go back and forth, sometimes the younger one needs to just understand the older one is going to be expected to do more and can do more.
The older one needs to understand that sometimes the younger needs to be able to feel like a big boy.
Don't do it twice, just say "this time I need so and so.." and then the next time say "hey guess what it is your turn". You need to teach them that they need to work with each other and share. If they fight tell them neither gets to do it.

Also I started letting my older one stay up 45 minutes later then her younger brother so she feels special and older indeed.
The younger one has just accepted that he goes to bed first.
It is so normal!! :)

my mom used to threaten to make us kids kiss each other

I read 'Siblings without Rivalry' which gave me some great insight into WHY they are competitive and the underlying insecurity. That way, you can address the deeper issue because in my opinion, no matter what, you can't make everything equal. Each child is different and our relationships with them are different and that is okay. Good luck, I am still working on this myself.

My two oldest boys (currently 15 and 13) were told from a very early age that life aint fair. In fact I used to tell the younger one not to worry, the older one would probably die first so he'd have two extra years to do whatever he wanted.(Jokingly!) The point was - I watched my mother try to make everything totally fair for all her kids, grandkids and great grandkids just to realize that she spent more time making things fair than making things personal. Your children aren't exactly alike and they might as well learn that early. I don't mean to say you need to be mean about it but what are you going to do when they're old enough to drive and each want a car? What if one gets a scholarship and you can only afford a state school for the other one? I'm just saying they might as well realize that while things won't be exactly the same they will work out and they can be happy without getting everything just like the other.

Try giving them separate tasks to do at the same time. Also, try telling each of them what wonderful individuals they are. Talk to them about their strengths and how each person does everything differently. Sight examples of family Being different but great at other things.

I had two boys 17 months apart and the younger is taller than the younger from a young age. So I talked about how my Dada is older but my brother is younger and taller. Little things like that make a difference and they have growth up to be the best of friends. My sister always hated me because I was taller and the younger one of us and spent years taking it out on me! How can I change genetics?

I hope this helps because my kids really love and care about each other.

C. B

Hi P.,
After reading the responses you have received I just have one thing to add. Everyone thinks that when siblings aren't getting along that they need alone time with the parents. That is a great thing to do but I see it the other way around. If the kids are constantly competing for your attention then what they may need is some modeling on how they can cooperate and be happy together with you, not seperate. Try playing games with them that all 3 or 4 of you can play. Sit on the floor and toss a ball between you and model for them the fun of all of you being together and sharing your time. Play with them with their toys making sure to ask for a turn and to ask if you can play with toys that belong to each child. Let them say no to you if they want and model how to handle that in a positive way..."ok,can I play with this other toy then?" or "OK can I play with it when you are done?" Sharing your toys or your Mom doesn't come naturally. It has to be taught by example.

This book (noted below) was helpful to me. The biggest lesson I got was that trying to be "fair" with siblings sets them up for competition.

I also acknowledge the one who didn't get to do a task with something like "would you like to do the next job for mama?". Saying "I know" with actual compassion and empathy also works well for me. When one of my children complains about what another got I can acknowledge their dismay without having to own a solution. It is so easy to get sucked into the role of moderator, which I really don't want to be.

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author)

P., I have no advice. But, I can relate. I laughed a little when I read it because I go through the same exact thing. If I ask one to turn the t.v. off the other one gets upset and will go turn it back on and then off again. I think they will grow out of it. It only happens with my girls ages 2.5 and 5. My 8yr. old son occasionally acts that way but not too often.

:) I have a 4 year old and an almost 6 year old too! Boys! 18 months apart! :)
I have exactly the same thing happening with them! It's probably something to do with the age and the competitive nature of boys too. I had been relying on my older one to do a lot of things for me, but my younger one was trying to beat him to it every time. Now I'm kind of alternating who I ask to do what. I can't say that it is always working for me, but,... at least they're racing to be helpful! :)

Maybe get a little ridiculous with them - they're little boys, right?

Either ask both of them to do it together until it wears them out, (two boys can conceivably both hold onto the paper) or let yourself be totally unfair for a day or a week, or however long and let them feel the difference.

Well, the easiest way to fix this problem is to stop asking them to do things for you unless it's something they both can do. If you need only one paper put on your desk, you do it. If there are two or more, divide the papers up and have them both put their own stack on your desk. If dish towels need put away, split them up between the two of them so they both can do it. I have twin boys who always want to do what the other is doing, and I find that if it's something they both can do to help out, they tend to squabble less. If it's only something one can do, the other is always jealous and whines that he didn't get to do it too. I'm not saying not to let them help out at all, because I think it's important for them to learn to be helpful around the house and to their parents. But maybe you should choose the things you let them help with a little more wisely so neither is left out. They won't be so competitive if they can share the responsibility. I don't think that "taking turns" helping will help with this problem at all because the one who gets to go "next time" will always be upset that he didn't get to do it "now." Hope that helps.

Lol-Sorry, but this is only the beginning. Mine are 2 /12 years apart . 9 and 6- they fight over who is in the wrong bed, he touched my blanket, he is crowding me...anything. At this point I make them sit on the couch, arms wrapped around each other telling each other nice things fro about 15 minutes. Or I tell them they cant talk to each other at all till I decide. I am not sure which is worse. But on the other hand, they do love each other and make things for each other at school- get candy for each other at the bank, etc. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breathe and explain that next time you will ask the other to help. Do you have "dates" with them? I do that alot- that way I get alone time with each one of them. We go get a snack after school, or to a movie, whatever they want to do within reason. It does get a little easier as they get older. Good luck!

I have two girls that are 3 years apart. They are now 11 and 8. I have dealt with this since the younger was about 2 and she wanted to be just like her big sister. She unfortunately is also the same size as the older one. But they fight over everything. It is a part of life. My motto lately is "get over it life isn't fair".

I agree with the previous post. If you ask child A to take a paper to your desk and child B brings it back to repeat. Don't accept the paper back. Tell them that you specifically asked child A to do the job and next time it will be their turn. Even my 4 year old understands that concept. Though if it were my 4 year old, he would throw a fit for the first few times, then he would get over it.

I have created charts for my girls (as they are the worst) and they get points for being good and lose points for hitting or unkind words. I also give them points for helping me by reading, washing, cleaning, or just plain having a happy attitude.

We also have started sending my 8 year old to bed 15 min earlier (then even my 4 year old) because she is NOT a morning person. She was pretty upset at first, but when I start praising her happy disposition in the morning, she realizes that the early bed time was not a punishment, but was done out of love.

I honestly don't think it ever will go away. My older child thinks that if she can do it, then so can her sister. And if her sister can't do it than she shouldn't have to either.

My only advise is don't let them run you crazy, your in charge not them and letting them run over you like that is letting them be in charge. It is not easy to keep yourself the one in charge, but it is well worth the work.

I am waiting to see if my boys are the same way. They are 4 and 1 year old. So far the 4 year old tells me how his brother is his best friend. I just hope it continues!

maybe trying to be fair is the problem... It sounds like you are doing watever you can to stop it so maybe you should reverse your tactic and stop caring so much about being fair... if he brings the paper back you say, I asked him to do it because I wanted him to do it, not you. There will be plenty of times I will ask you to do something, so don't worry about it. And leave it at that. maybe the competition will just die down because they'll realize it isn't going anywhere... Thats a tuff one...

Sounds like you are being very nice to your boys, even if they are driving you crazy. That's an achievement! A book I really like on the subject is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Give it a read.