It is time to let go of your ideas of how things "should" be and address "what is." You and your husband clearly see things very differently. It is time to shift your focus to yourself, meeting your needs, and setting boundaries for yourself.
For example, you have a need for a clean and organized house. Your husband does not have a need to help in the way you would like. Therefore, what are your options? Do it all yourself. Hire someone to help you. Do only the parts that are about you and the boys and leave his stuff for him to do. Go on strike. etc.
As long as you continue wishing, waiting, and hoping that your husband will be different you will be frustated, stuck, and unhappy. It is time to release your expectations, stop arguing with reality, and make some choices about the things you have some control over.
One of the first rules in communication is to observe what your intention/purpose is in communicating with someone. As long as you are communicating to change someone or fix them or make them see things your way, the communication will fail. Instead, try communicating to seek first to understand, speak your truth, and to ask for what you need without expectation.
Expectations are the road to hell. Yes, it sucks that other people won't be what we want them to be. But it only sucks because we are giving our power away to them and not taking 100% responsibility for our own well-being.
And, how does it feel when someone is always expecting you to be different? It feels as if they don't think you are good enough and that they are constantly judging you. Do you want to help them when they do that to you? Or do you want to shut down, rebel, or just plain yell at them to get over themselves? We all want to be accepted as we are. Noone likes to feel that they are constantly being regarded as "not good enough."
This isn't about your husband and his need to change. Only he can and will decide whether he needs change in his life. This is about you being able to let go of him and see the big picture for yourself. Let this be the time that you put yourself on the list and care enough about yourself to make the tough choices about what you can change. You cannot change him no matter how much you "communicate." You can, however, look at how things really are and start making the choices that are really available to you. This will help you to feel less crazy, frustrated, and exhausted. When you argue with reality you will lose every time.