L.C.
I am not a counselor. I may be completely wrong, here. I'm just going to say what we have experienced in our blended family. It may not be the same, but if parts are helpful, then that's a good thing so here goes.
When my husband (second) and I got married I had two sons. It was hard for me, being a single parent. I am not super organized and back then (over 10 years ago) I really, really sucked. Add to that the fact that as a single parent you are wearing so many different hats - cook, nurse, nanny, teacher, judge, counselor, maid - that it's hard to wear all of them really well. So my kids were not the tidiest or the most organized. I did the best that I could and when I had the support of a partner I got a lot better at the others. Now, my husband? He is, and was at the time, active duty military so organization and tidiness was a way of life. It's a very structured life he leads and in that area we were like oil and water. I think we nearly drove him to drink. But it was more than that.
He felt like the odd man out because we were all one way. We had been a family for a while and he was the newby. We had our language, our jokes, our habits, likes and dislikes. He was trying to find his place there and I didn't understand at the time how hard that was for him.
He didn't feel validated. These things, the organization and tidiness, were really important to him and when we didn't fall in line with how he did things, he felt like he was disrespected and that we didn't care. He didn't understand that old habits were hard to break and that we weren't being intentionally hurtful but more thoughtless and we didn't realize that thoughtlessness hurts just the same.
He had this great idea of what it would be like to be a family and at first it wasn't like that at all. He was really hurt, felt rejected, and was really disappointed. He thought we would get married and that he would fit seemlessly right it, and it didn't work that way. It takes time to make a new family out of an already exsisting older one. My kids tested him because they wanted to see who he was going to be in their lives. Was he a father, a disciplinarian, a housemate, a friend? They put him through all kinds of tests. I understood what was going on and why and when he heard me trying to explain it, he thought I was "taking their side." I wasn't, by the way, I just think we respond more appropriately when we know the "why" of a thing.
My sons felt an unconditional loyalty to their biological father which my husband didn't remotely understand. The guy was a jerk. He was emotionally abusive and unreliable. My husband was the one who played ball in the yard, coached the soccer teams, bought the birthday presents, gave the medicine and helped with the homework. But this other guy, this biological dad, tied his shoes in the morning and he was a freaking hero. Oh, it ground on my husband. It hurt him. He felt that they didn't care. They did, but they were too young to understand that loving one didn't mean that you didn't love the other, so they had to be really brave to develop that relationship - a relationship that was beautiful until that ring was on my finger and the whole dynamic changed.
It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. This is their dad. They have two now. They love them both. So, I guess my advice to you is to be patient, B.. Rome wasn't built in a day. This is like building a house and switching contractors in the middle. It takes a while to get it all worked out. Go to counseling with your wife if you can afford it, even if it's just to your local pastor. The school counselor should have a list of local resources as well. Get on the same game plan with your wife and then add the kids to the mix. Don't try to be the heavy right away. Develop a relationship with them before you start to try to be the authority. Give out chores that you reward them for having completed. Watch and learn and find their currency. What do they like to do, what would make them feel loved? Use those things liberally.
I hope this helps, and for what it's worth, thanks for being man enough to do a job that often times comes with very little thanks.
L.