I need a little marital advice...To give you a bit of background, I was treated for Hodgkin's Disease 10 years ago and as a result was told that I would never be able to conceive a child. Well fast forward to November 2004...My husband and I conceived our daughter Amanda with a bit of assistance through medication but nothing else. Our marriage was solid and happy. Once Amanda was born we encountered the difficult balance of "finding time for all four grandparents." (all live close by)My husband's mother is not a well woman, she suffers from mental illness and is extremely frail, she is incapable of watching or daughter alone. His father is a wonderful man who is capable but works a lot so isn't always available to assist my mother in law with babysitting, therefore they are not called upon often. My mother on the other hand is very capable and watches her 2 of the 3 days I work. This has caused arguements about how we can find time for his family to get quality time with Amanda. There have been stressful moments, but things have been okay. Well about 2 months ago we found out that we were unexpectedly pregnant again. This has brought the parent issue to a whole new level. Amanda is now 16 months and very independent. We have left her with my husband's parents twice now and things have gone well. Now because of this my husband is making all of these plans for us to go out and scheduling his parents to babysit.
Here is my issue...he doesn't talk to me about it before scheduling...his mother falls asleep on our couch by 9 if we are not home and then has to be woken up and driven 45 minutes home...He not longer wants my parents babysitting at night because my mom watches her during the week...what will happen when there is a 22 month old and a newborn? We had a huge fight on Thursday night and he said some pretty horrible things to me one of which included divorce. How do I handle this without compromising the safety of my children or my marriage?
Well, Things have definitely cooled down. We have had the opportunity to talk again in a much calmer tone. He apologized for the tone he took as well as the degree he brought the fight to. I have agreed to his parents babysitting as long as his father is ALWAYS present and also that we discuss and agree on child care before calling and asking. We have also contacted my 16 year old cousin who will watch her on nights we are going to be out later. Thank you to all of you who responded, it really helped to vent and get input from all of you!
hi. i'm J.. is there a possibility of hiring a babysitter that could stay there to help his mother watch the kids this way she can see them yet you could have someone there that could help out and make you feel safer about leaving the kids with your mother-in-law. I know that sounds pointless to hire a babysitter and have your mother-in-law there but it would allow him to have his way and help you to feel safer about leaving them with her.
I'm in a similiar situation. My father in law is a smoker and my mother-in-law drinks in the eveings. I feel okay with leaving my kids, 2 years old and a fourth month old, with her during the day in my home. The kids are NOT allowed at their home because of the smoke, and I cannot monitor her drinking. My mother is busy, and doesnt see the kids as much as I would like. My father is not well, and he enjoys his grandkids, but we all understand that he cannot watch them alone. (My parents are divorced) SO...
My Mother-in-law has this bright idea she is going to retire and watch my kids, so I can go back to work. Um, HELLO, I never said I wanted to go back to work. Luckily, my husband is understanding of the situation. Although, he thinks the kids should see his mother more.
Bottom line...Those are my babies and they are the most important thing in my life. And, I will NOT put them in harms way. His mother may think I am a witch, but I dont care. Keeping my kids safe is much more important.
So, my advice to you, is to stand your ground and to do what you believe it best for your kids. If you inlaws dont babysitt as much, maybe you can bring the kids over for supervised visits?? Or maybe just drop them off while you grocery shop, or run some quick errands. That way they arent there for along time, and hopefully the visits will keep everyone happy.
H.,
There are good reasons you dont want your MIL to watch your young daughter alone, dont compromise on that. Make sure if she is watching her, your FIL is there too. If he cant be, then she shouldnt be watching your daughter. If your hubby wants to push the "your mom had her yesterday so my mom gets her today" thing then tell him again the obvious reasons you are concerned with his mothers' care. You can always tell him if this issue of equal hours is so huge to him, and you cant make the hours equal because of your concerns, that you will hire an outside babysitter. Could the two mothers watch the two(when your second arrives) together? One toddler and one newborn are a handful for anyone. If you have concerns now with leaving one with your MIL, then they will really multiply with two. If this issue continues to cause major trouble in the marriage I would try outside counseling, I cant imagine that a good psych wouldnt agree with your concerns. As you know, sometimes it takes a third party, who isnt close to the situation, to make sense to both parties. Good luck!
I just have to say that threatening divorce in a fight is really playing dirty pool, and I don't like that kind of behavior. I would think in your calmer moments the two of you should talk about the situation, first to come up with some kind of compromise about the babysitting situation and then about how to fight fair. He shouldn't have to pick on you personally because you have a disagreement about the kid. I'm sure he must feel under stress of some kind, but he doesn't have to cause you to be stressed either. I can't begin to tell you the problems I had with my father in law (who is rather eccentric to begin with) did to try to turn my kids against me and my husband and my self did not know. My husband hates confrontation, but I did say something to his father in law and that strained what little relationship I had with him in the first place. I don't think we talked to each other for a number of years. My mother in law was on my side, and my husband just felt stressed but he certainly was not mean to me. But I did what I had to do. My father in law is now 92 years old, so let by gones be bygone. He hasn't changed much, but he finally got over it to some degree. E.
Well first congraduation. Do u go to church? there r a lot a teenagers who would just love to sit in ur home or go to the high school and talk to the guidance counselor they seem to know the kids well. It took me 3 months to find a daycare and I ended up with a teacher screen well.I wouldnt leave them with inlaws that r sick I am 51 with a 3yr old and I only have him and it is harder when u r older plus she is sick. Hope this helps Esta
I think that just as not everything can be 100% equal between siblings at all times, just as things are not always 100% equal between spouses, it's very unrealistic for your DH to think that things shoujld be 100% equal between grandparents. That little girl is lucky that she has grandparents on both sides of the family that want to spend time with her. It doesn't make sense to limit the time your mother spends with your children versus his mother. It's not a contest. It's the quality of time that matters, not who gets to see her the most. It sounds like he spoke in the heat of the moment, but once he's calmed down, try to approach the topic as diplomatically as you can. Hopefully he'll see that his idealist view of Grandparent 100% Equality isn't possible or likely, and he has to ACCEPT that and simply do the best possible by both sets of grandparents. Live for yourselves and your children, and realize that seeing your children is a privelage for the grandparents.
ok.. it has been a week... you both should have calmed down by now... i would sit him down and talk to him rationally... let him know it hurt you when he dropped the D-bomb. Let him know that you didnt think YOUR relationship was that unstable and could be thrown away like that over an argument over the kids. The point you need to make to him is that even if you cant agree on this now you will have to adjust to some compromise in the end and it wont be anywhere near your last fight. let him know he means the world to you but that your daughter means just a smidge more as it should be and that you really dont want to put her in harms way. I know he might say he doesnt feel like his mom is a threat to her but im sure he is just as scared as you to leave Amanda with your motherin law... hejust is getting it from both ends. let him konw that if it is easier for him then you can sit down with your MIL and FIL and work out a visiting arrangement. My husband and i had a huge fight over the same thing when i was working. his parents wanted to watch my daughter and they just dont do things the way i ask. I am her mother. i make the rules. we had a free daycare offer from a friends mother and it took everything in my power to explain to him that family is for visiting. maybe you should look into chatting with your mom too... if you dont have the money for real daycares then there are plenty of people like me who could work out a budget and childcare for you. there are loads of stay at home moms who would work out something because they are home all day anyway and could use a few bucks a week even if its not what the day cares charge... i would really sit down and talk to him.. .let him know how you feel and that you feel he has cheapened your relationship by suggesting a divorce... good luck and let me know how it ends!
