Comments from Family Causing Hurt feelings...Am I Just Being Hormonal?

My impression, just from what you relayed, is that she is feeling leaned upon too much and that she expects to be asked for more help once the new baby arrives. Maybe she feels like her help has been taken for granted or underappreciated. Aside from talking to her, I would try to find other childcare so that asking her for help was a last resort. I bet eventually she will start to miss having the kids and if you haven't talked by then she'll open the door by asking to see them.

Hello A., no you are not being hormonal at all. I would be really upset if I was in your shoes. I think you should let your mom know how much she is hurting your feelings, and see what happens. If she doesn't seem to care than I wouldn't go around. Maybe after not seeing the kids and you for a while maybe she will think again on how she was treating you. I hope things work out for you.

I would pray about it before I went to talk to her. Put it in GOds hands.
I have had to deal with alot of the same thing on the in law side and now my husband and I have NO relationship with his parents. They have finally said and hurt and tried to control our lives to the extreme that it has hurt our relationship. Talk to her before it gets out of hand.

Talk to your mother! Tell her she has hurt you don't be defensive just matter of fact. Obviously you have a good relationship so just talk about it. DON'T just let it be. You need to clear the air and please don't keep the children from their grandparents just to teach her a "lesson". Children need grandparents and they aren't bargining tools for their parents.
Ask your mother if she is okay. Tell her you are concerned because of the things she has done recently and its not like her to be so hurtful or unsupportive. Let her air her concerns then talk about them. Bottom line is this child is yours and your husbands and its none of her business. Do try to clear the air....we all need our Mommas. Congrats on the new bundle of joy headed your way and best wishes with your mom.

I agree with the first post. I would also think that she is expecting you to ask for more help or more babysitting, that obviously she is not willing to offer. I would definately tell her next time she says they will get spoiled spending to much time with their granparents watching them....then she needn't worry about that particular ailment as you(she) won't be watching them anymore. Then I would wait for her to ask them to visit or for me to bring them by. If she doesn't call then she is showing you how she feels about the issue. I have never for one minute thought differently, but grandparents were put on this earth to spoil their grandchildren, but they are not the grandparents responsability to babysit or raise...unless they ask or offer. I plan visits that are convenient, try to have fun. I am very lucky that my family has always enjoyed watching my children, helping with them, offering to take them, babysit them etc. They are spoiled rotten when there. And that is the plan.

I would definately tell her that you reproductive issues are not her concern, whether she thinks that you need your tubes tied or not. It is your decision, not hers, whether she agrees or not. She had her chance and made her decisions. I also would tell her that she has hurt your feelings by talking to you like that and in that way, that you are happy about the baby...planned, unplanned, poor plannig, God's plan. Any plan what-so-ever. That you are happy. If she can't be happy for you, then be nice and refrain from hurtful remarks. IF she can't do that then I wouldn't talk to her much and have limited contact with her. She will figure it out, eventually. I would not ask her to baby sit or watch the kids under any circumstance except the ER. I would re-schedule the doctors appt first. I would stop coming by or calling for a while. Wait for her to do it. IF she asks why tell her that she hurt your feelings, and instead of hurting hers.... you were doing the old adage of if you can't say anything nice, you didn't want to say anything at all. So you chose to take some time to let your feelings heal. Just because she is your mother is no exscuse for her poor behavior, to let her hurt you and for you to take it. She is also under the mistaken impression that you want her opinion. Plus, if she really loves you then you should be able to tell you about your hurt feelings, and she should apologize. If she continues to make comments and hurt your feelings, you may not be as close as you thought. Or she only acts nice when you do what she wants, or thinks you should do, but with-holds love and approval to get you back in line, for things she doesn't like or believes you shouldn't do....like have another baby.
Or she may really be concerned about the responsabilities this will mean for her. or how much extra time she will have to baby sit the kids, and she sounds like she resents watching them, now. If she thinks another baby will mean more work for her, I can see how she is less than thrilled. But she is a big girl and should talk to you honestly and tell you what she is thinking in a way that is not hurtful. If she doesn't want to watch the kids, she has that right. If may be inconvenient, but she raised hers and she may be resentful that you are depending on her for more help than she is willing to give.
I would give her a break from you and the kids. Sometimes when you give people what they think they want, they suddenly change their minds about what it is they REALLY want. Giving her sometime to miss you guys would probably do her some good. You can always tell her that the kids were acting to spoiled so you needed a break from her.
If you are as close as you think then she will acutely feel the loss of you and the kids-- and will be lonely and bored, and miss them terrible. Then be more sparing with the time you allow her to have them. So that she understands being a grendparent is a priveledge.
At this point, I would make other arrangements for the kiddos while you are in the hospital. IF she steps up and want to then you still have a back-up plan. IF she doesn't act like she wants to help, then you still have a plan in place.
I think some honest talking and some distance may be what you guys need.
Good luck,
L.

P.S. I am not advocating teaching her a lesson, merely giving her time to think about what she wants. I am also of the notion, that while we do indeed need family, dysfunctional ones hurting us, are not to be tolerated just because they are "family" and that the rules for nice civilized behviour are always relaxed, because they are family and don't have to be. I agree that grankids need grandparents and family....just not resentful ones that don't want them or don't really want to spend time with them and resent being asked to babysit. Or just resent them in general or feel they are being taken advantage of, or just don't want to be inconvenienced. I would not put my kids with a grandparent that felt that way, period. Not because the grandparent needed it nor because the kids needed it. If the grandparent acted like they didn't want the kids around, why would I shove my kids in their face? A., you are the only one that truly knows all of the complex dynamics in your family. My response was to only give you advice and a fresh perspective and to give you some courage to speak to your mother and to truly reflect on both of you guys and your behaviour. Sometimes tolerating poor behaviour is easier to let pass by and should be let go and sometimes people need to be called on it. You are the only one that can judge that for yourself. Me, I would speak right up and tell her what I felt. That "I get the fact that you do not want to babysit the kids, and will not ask you do so in the future. I picked up on that by your remark about kids spending to much time with granparents. I thought that you could speak honestly with me about my requests for babysitting instead of using off-handed comments to get your point across because those kinds of comments hurt my feelings....and what hurts most of all, is I thought we were closer than that and could be honest with each other. I am sorry you don't approve of this pregnancy. If you don't have anything nice to say, then please don't upset me, just don't say anything at all". But you actually have to practice what you preach. If you want her to be honest and not hurtful with off-handed comments, then you should also do the same, by being honest and talking to her. And recognize that she may really not want to be so involved right now.
God bless,
L.

No your not being hormonal. I can't imagine how it must have hurt your heart for your Mother to say things like this to you. She obviously is worried for you, about your financial situations etc...., I would go home and pray about it, and prepare my heart, so that I didn't fall into the trap of saying hurtful things and making matters worse. No one that says hurtful things has ever been convinced of the fact by hurling your own hurtful comments or accuations. You don't want to have to tippy toe the rest of the time you are pregnant and you want to be able to welcome this new little life into your family and for him/her to have the same love as the other two siblings. Ask God to also prepare your mother's heart so that she will receptive to the things you have to say. Also I agree with what one of the other posters has said. She too might be feeling overwhelmed, while two are delightful to babysit another thrown into the mix requires some doing :)
Is she alone while babysitting? Does the grandfather offer a helping hand? As you get older the energy level goes down and that is something that grown children fail to realize and it's hard to think and consider that our parents are getting older and may not be with us one day. So there are lots of things to consider here. I am glad that after your initial shock you are happy about the birth of your baby. Every child deserves and needs for family to be excited over him/her. Just because he is number 3 in the birth order makes him no less an exciting individual. Good luck and God Bless.
P.S. I am a granmother of a happy and active 4 year old that stays with me while his mother works. He goes to school 3 days a week in the fall but right now only two days a week, so that I can run errands and play some tennis and visit with my friends on Fridays. So I know about active little boys! :)

No, you are not being hormonal. I think your mother is. Mom may be going through the change and not know about it. It is your business not hers as to how many children you can financially afford. She may be from the Women's Lib Era where all we wanted were 2 kids, a dog, and a house so that we could climb the social ladder. Oh well, times have changed but some people haven't. The remark about being spoiled with grandparents was not nice. I would start not relying on mom so much and begin seeking alternative meants of care. She seems to feel I raised mine and didn't need or have help now you do the same. There was a talk on a similar subject not long ago about the MIL watching the kid but then not being around when it was her turn. So start being independent of mom and her help. If she should ask why the children haven't been around then you can tell her that you felt they were being too spoiled. Should you decide to severe your "close" relationship, do you have a friend that can watch them while you are in the hospital? Do the same for OB visits. If mom's comments continue it is time to clear the air and clean house. Plesae do let her know that she hurt your feelings. If she cannot apologize then you know where your releationshp stands. You are both adult women now. Good luck to you and your expanding family.

Hi A.,

Im so sorry you are having to go through this, especially now and especially over this additional blessing in your life. I had to go through something similar with my parents with both of my pregnancies. Its not fun, but it certainly resolved some big issues for me and how I related to them that otherwise would not have been dealt with. Our relationship is now stronger and healthier than it has ever been.

And no, this is not just a hormonal thing. There is definitely something going on here - concern on how a third child might affect you healthwise or financially, maybe? In spite of the 'spoiled children' comment, it doesnt sound like your mother is so superficial that she just doesnt want to be 'put upon' anymore, based on earlier behavior. Definitely talk to her when you arent feeling hurt, preferably when she hasnt said something along these lines. I agree with one of the PP - let her air out her concerns and try not to take them personally, no matter what she says (is your mom menopausal? When mine was when I was pregnant with my first, she said many things to me without thinking that really hurt.) She may not realize the impact of what she is saying.

I also agree with another PP not to keep your children from your mother to teach her a lesson - I know this might be your first reaction, or something along the lines of protecting your boys from this attitude, but unless you see/hear her portraying this attitude to them, let their relationship go unchanged (enough is going to change in their lives in the near future anyway).

Having said that, you may find after your conversation with her you and your family may need to take a break from your parents for a little bit, for them to digest the information and come around. No matter what your mother says, having a child is a good thing (and getting pregnant while on the pill is DEFINITELY a sign from God!) Your situation is not going to change, whether they are on board with it or not. Ill bet once they get past whatever block they are experiencing now, they will be thrilled to be part of this process again.

Good luck with this. I will be praying for you. Please let us know what happens.

All my best,
A.

It sounds like your mom is overwhelmed with the idea of having "another baby."( as if it is her child) Maybe you can find someone else to help you out with the kids in Sept. My mother behaved this way with my sister and it was because my mother felt like she was the one responsible for them and took on more of a "mom" role more than grandma. ( but my sister did rely on her a lot) I dont know if that is your situation. Either way maybe a little space is needed, hopefully she will come around and if not your bundle of joy is a wonderful blessing and your right it is GODS plan not ours.....