My Mother Is Unhappy About My 3Rd Pregancy.

When people try to interfere on finances I would ask them one simple question. Do I owe you money? If not, then it is none of their business.

I waited to tell my mom and dad on my last three, #3 I waited until about the 4th or 5th month, #4 I waited until the 5th month and I didn't tell them my daughter told them when she went down there for easter, and #5 I told them 2mths before she was due, I know that seems harsh, but I knew I would get the same kind of comments, and everytime I talked to my mom and she would say something negative, I would tell her to quit being so negative and be positive. They came up a few days after #5 was born the house was a disaster, and they were sitting at my kitchen table talking about me, my husband like I wasn't even there, I finally said if they didn't like it they could leave, and they did just that, and ever since then it's been better all the way around, they've both apologized and I truly believe it's made them better grandparents.

Hi K., I would tell your mom just what you told us. Even if it is in a letter. She needs to hear it. I am a mother of 3 and an early grandma of 3. I have made it a point not to stick my nose into my daughters business and I am there when she needs me. I told her, its your life, not mine. I love my 3 grandchildren tremendously and I wouldn't change a thing. I feel strongly that my daughter and her husband need to make their own decisions and if they make mistakes, they learn by them. I am sure your mom just wants what she deams best for you, but she has to understand....she is not the one in control. I do feel it is important for her to know how she made you feel.........(no matter what her response will be). Best wishes and God bless you and your new little one on the way :) CK

K.,

Unless your mom is financially supporting you, which it sounds like she is not, she has no business telling you what to do with your family. How many children you have is between you, your husband and God. Don't feel bad. My side of the family is like this, too. After my second one, my mom said to make sure to use a condom because she didn't want to see us having any more. When we thought we were pregnant with number three (and disappointed we weren't) I told my sister and before I could say how disappointed we were, she said, "Well that's good." My family is also of the "chlidren should be seen and not heard" mentality, so they criticize my parenting style, even though my children are well behaved.

I never bothered to tell them I had a miscarriage. After our second baby, we even quit bothering to tell my family we were pregnant until it was unavoidable. I think with my fourth baby, they found out when I put it in the family Christmas letter that we were having a girl.

My husband and I are like you; middle class with enough money to provide them with their needs and good medical insurance. We take very good care of our children with lots of love and time and affection. My school aged children are at the top of their class. (My point is that there is no reason to declare any form of neglect or bad parenting.) My family just thinks that large families are bad. I remember from the time I was young, my parents would say horribly judgemental comments about anyone with a large family, whether they knew them or not.

Anyway, my point is, don't let your mother be the wet blanket in this happy time of your life. You may need to set up some healthy boundaries with her to keep your sanity. I did. Don't play her games; don't get wound up by her actions. When you do, you give her control of your emotions and let her throw away your happiness. I read a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and found it enlightening. I didn't realize how many people were raised by parents like mine and the book helped me to do a lot of healing. I highly recommend it.

Good luck and CONGRATS!!!!
S.

K.,
Congrats on your expanding family. I too am pregnant and had a similar reaction from my mother in law. At first I was very offended, but after I consider the situation I gained a little understanding from her side. She had only two children, her sister only has two children and her mom only had two children. What my mother in law does not have is a relationship with the creator of all children. Children are a blessing and God will not give you more than you can handle. This does not mean you will always have a bank account that overflows but you will always have what you need to take care of your children. You and your husband made this decision together and by the grace of God you were able to conceive a third child. I think you should be secure in you decision and know you and your husband are doing what is right for your family. I am sure once your child comes along your mother will love it just the same! It is just a shame she will not be able to enjoy your pregnancy with you. Enjoy your pregnancy!
God bless your growing family,
K.

Hi K.!
My mother responded to news of my second pregnancy with an underwhelming "oh".

My son is four years old now, and it has taken me almost this
long to realize that her response wasn't about ME or about MY pregnancy at all--but of course I took it on as my problem. It was such a relief when I realized what it actually was about. I carried that around all that time.

Maybe your mom has a different idea about finances and how many children are appropriate--but that's HER issue as apparently you don't agree with her! I would tell your kids that too since they witnessed her immature reaction. Tell her to get a filter! (I stole that from Brothers & Sisters last night episode!).
S.

Sorry to hear that your mother is raining on your parade. I had a similar experience, though not as bad. When I told my mother I was pregnant (I don't remember if it was with #1 or #2, it was a while ago) she replied "Oh, M., I thought you guys were going to wait". NOT the response I was going for. So when we unexpectedly found out we were going to have #3 I had my sister tell her to take the shock off and let her know that I expected a happy response, but of course my sister told her that I didn't know she was calling her (which I did), so then I called and told her the news and she tried to act surprised, and did act happy. You are an adult and it sounds like you have no reason to be concerned about the financial stresses of a third child. You are right that she was out of line. I would try to prove how adult and responsible I was by calling her and telling her calmly how she hurt your feelings and that you thought she would have more faith in you than that. Tell her, "aren't we doing a good job so far? Didn't you raise me to be a responsible adult? Then let me be one, and you focus on being the happy Grandma" After that I just would not bring up the conversation again, but do continue to talk about your excitement for the new addition, and all the positive things that are happening in your family. God Bless, and good luck.

So sorry to hear about your mother's response. PLease don't feel ashamed. Let it be her problem not yours. I'm sure that you will never for one second regret your precious child. My husband and I had one daughter, had trouble having a second and then adopted our second daughter. I'd have more if I could. Being a mom is the greatest joy of my life

I would wait for her to appologize. You are doing what you feel is right for your life. She needs to understand that. She is your mother and should love you anyway. When my husband and I married he already had three children. I still wanted some of my own. We both always wanted a large family. My side of the family is ok with us having more children, we have one together now and would like two more. His side has been really mean to me like it was all my fault and that I was being selfish. All I can say is that you should hold your head up high and love that baby. Your mom will get over it eventually. Good luck.

well, first of all, you know that all mothers love thier children and just want whats best for them. understand that from her shoes...

also, perhaps shes regretting not having another child because of money issues? i mean, its quite a long time ago im sure, but everyone makes choices and ones about children are usually the hardest to make. right now my husband have one 22 month old son and we really have no plans for a second one. part of me is ok with that for now, and part of me is afraid that i will decide too late to have another...

i dont know your story, but to just not speak to her because she has a different opinion about a 3rd child isnt really a good reason. you never know what might happen tomorrow, and you dont want to push her away for a reason that is actually quite small. just give her time and patience, and understanding, and dont cut her out. she still loves you, and no matter the reason for what she said, she does have the right to be concerned for you.

maybe, if anything, you could tell her how her comments hurt you, and she might have had the time to think about it and she might come back with a different response. try to get to the reasoning underneath, but understand that you may never know what the reason is, and you might just have to love her and respect her anyway.
:D

K.,
Congratulations on your growing family!!!

I will assume your mom is usually pleasant because otherwise her negative comment wouldn't surprise you. Assuming that, I will say this:

I'm in my 40s and my mom still tells me not to drive alone after dark and other such protective advice. She cares and loves her children and no matter how old we get, she still wants to watch out for us. With each of my 4 successful pregnancies and with my 2 miscarriages, my mom had a hard time being completely happy for me. It was simply because she knew what was ahead of me. She remembered all too well how difficult it is to have children; sleepless nights, tight money, no time, etc. Yes, she knew the countless joys, she just hated to see her daughter go through the hard things.

Give your mom time. She'll get used to the idea. How tragic it would be to let this come between you and her. Talk to her about other things besides the pregnancy for just a bit and let the idea of it sink in. When you feel the time is right and you can do it without anger or resentment, tell her that your feelings were hurt by her comment. She likely has no idea that her words came across as they did.

You're a mom. You know we can all mess up. We're not perfect and neither is she. Give her a break, talk to her, and very soon you'll be enjoying your pregnancy together!

K.

Wow you have a lot of responses! I didn't read them so if I am repeating, I am sorry. My MIL's responses to me being pregnant are always crappy like this- #1 Was this planned?(she totally thinks I would get knocked up without him knowing) #2- You know they are a lot of work. I figure it is her unhappiness that she can not stand the thought of being happy for us! Did your Mom have financial issues when she raised her family?

I'm sure she's just worried about you guys. Three kids can sometimes be challenging financially. Give her some time, she'll come around =)

Funny thing happened on my way through my fourth pregnancy, my mother told my aunt that I was having my fourth child just to spite her!! Yes, I went and had another child just to get back at my mother! I didn't stop talking to her, and the more time she spent around me the more she understood that we were really very happy about our new baby! By the time my youngest child come a long she was ok with it and very happy to welcome the newest grandchild.
What I didn't understand is that she was going through a stressful time and my mother can be hard on the people around her when she is stressing. She is also a mother and she still worries about all her children, she told me a few weeks ago that she had enough problems with her own children to worry about other people's children. (I'm 38, my oldest brother is 41 and my youngest brother is 37) She said we don't do what she tells us to do. They (we) never out grow being mothers, our children will always be our babies.
Keep in contact with your mother, tell her how much her comment hurt you, but continue to talk to her. She will eventually come around.

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear that your mom was insensitive and hurtful when she heard you were expecting a third. I do agree fully that you and your husband have every right to have as many children as you desire. Sometimes people say things that are hurtful although they may not have meant it that way. Your mom may be thinking about how our economy is hitting a serious blow and is wondering how it will affect your household. Mothers sometimes can be judgemental but with good intentions. I am not trying to make excuses for your mom, I just would like for you to see where she may be coming from. Relationships with our family and friends are so important. I hope that maybe you can find it in your heart to speak to her even if it takes awhile for her to "come around". With so many tragedies in our world nowadays, it would be sad to let "things" keep us from communicating. Everyday matters. If you and your husband are not depending on your mothers financial or physical support in raising your children, it really doesn't matter how she feels about it. Congratulations and I pray for you to have a healthy and successful pregnancy.

That's how some mom's are--still judgmental and cannot trust your own decisions. Take a deep breathe and hopefully she will just quietly accept it, even if her lips are pierced while she does so. You do what you need to do. It's your life, and your family now. Congratulations!

I have the opposite problem - I am conservative and sometimes, unreasonably worried about finances though my husband and I have excellent, secure jobs, a home we can easily afford, and an end in sight to child care costs (yippee!). However, my mom would be delighted if I popped out a half dozen more babies. Speaking as the worrier, here's my guesses on what might be going thru your mom's head:
1.) Kids are the biggest stressors in life (and yes, joys too). She may just be worried about how you can handle it all...But maybe didn't know how to express her concern.
2.) Have you ever discussed; even very generally, your job, your bills, your mortgage, your car payments, etc. with her? Mom's remember these things forever.
3.) Do you rely on her for child care or even for evening baby-sitting? She may be worried that she can't handle three.
4.) Kids take a lot of our time. I know there are sometimes family events, dinner out with my sister, etc. that I have to decline because I don't want to miss a soccer game, homework, catching up on laundry, etc. Maybe your mom is really trying to say "I miss you and am worried that I will see even less of you once Baby 3 is here."
5.) Is your mom conerned about her finances? Ask her about this. Many people who thought that retirement was coming and who thought they had planned well for it, now find themselves extremely alarmed by the recent financial disasters.

I guess what I am saying is what others have said. Reach out to your mom again and present your reasons for having number three and ask her what her conerns are. But don't try to shoot down all her reasons. You do not have to agree with her...You just have to listen. I am a big believer in letting your family play a role (not a huge role) in raising your kids. Kids are blessed to have as many grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. as they can get.

Kim- I actually waited until my mom was in another state in a car with her siblings before I told her. I found the best way to deal with my mom was to talk to her. Don't avoid the subject but keep your voice low and level- don't get into a shouting match. Tell her point blank that whatever she may feel about the financial situation that it is you and your husbands responsiblity and that what you really need from her is her emotional support in a positive way and not the negativity. She will be so taken with the baby once it is born that she will forget the horrible flub she made.

Good Luck.

Shel

Hi K.,
I'm sorry to hear that your mom did not respond well to your most recent and very happy news. I think that we have all responded poorly to things at times on first reaction. Remember that she did not know anything about it in advance, so you were just getting a reaction, not a well thought out response. I think all of our parents have our best interest at heart and initial reaction would think of how this could possibly negatively affect you and her current grandchildren. I have no doubt that in time she will be excited and happy for you and looking forward to your upcoming bundle of joy. Talk to your mom...silence is a hurtful thing in itself. She might already be excited and just a little embarrased over her reaction. You'll never know unless you talk to her. Congratulations on your new baby and best wishes on working this out with your mom.
G.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I can relate to how you're feeling. There've been so many times that my mom has said things to me that really affected me. I've finally learned that she says stuff all the time that seem so out of whack and I just have to let them go in one ear and out the other. Because it's your mother, you're extra sensitive to what she says and does regarding you and your family.

I've found now that when I react to those silly things that she says that seem to take a dig at me in some way, I regret it and then think it wasn't worth it. Try to be the better person in the relationship.

It's funny how parents don't realize they push their kids away when they act like that. You don't want to talk to them or be around them . . . That's probably the opposite of what they really want. I try to remember how I felt when I was a kid or even now with the way my parents have parented and try not to make those mistakes with my kids. Our oldest is 20 now and is at college. Sometimes I realize I'm saying something that could be hurtful. I don't mean it that way, but can see how he could take them as hurtful. So remember that your mom probably isn't meaning for it to be hurtful to you at all, she just stated what was on her mind.

Sorry, I'm rambling on. Try to not let it bother you too much and remember to be the better person.

Good luck.

Congratulations. I had a friend that was having her second child. Meanwhile they were buried in debt and had just spent a ton on their wedding. She was having health issues (while gaining about 50 unshed pounds from her last pregnancy). I know both of their families had to bail them out quite a bit financially and watching the one child quite a bit so I have to wonder what they thought about them having another child. Is there any reason that your mom would feel this way? If so, reassure her that you will not be asking for her help. When my sister had her 4th..no one in the family was happy because we all knew we would end up picking up the slack. This is just my experience with these similar type feelings but not saying this is the case with you. For some reason she feels this is her burden but not sure why as I do not know enough about your situation.

First of all congrats on the new baby! I love to hear about families eager to have children. I've always believed that money nor the opinion of others should ever play a role in deciding whether or not to have children. Money problems will always exist. Is that a reason to stop living?

Children are a gift, not an entitlement. If you are graced to have them, then have them and feel blessed and lucky. Enjoy every minute with them, and when you're old, hopefully will enjoy seeing their children.

As for money and having children.. it will work out...even finances. I'm convinced of this. I know so many big families that have weathered through terrible economies. When there is a will and plenty of love, there is a way and plenty of support. You can't put a price on love. More people, means more love.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I recommend not dwelling any further on the pain she's caused. This is what her intention was..so your best remedy is to offer her pity and look forward to the happiness that awaits you and your husband, and continue to enjoy the blessings your other children probably bring to both of you each day.

What your mother has done is worse than just imposing her will on you, but she's attempting to rob or even trying to destroy you and your husband's happiness through emotional blackmail.

This reaction of hers certainly didn't happen in a vaccume. There are probably other red flags along the way, but this reaction of hers was probably the most shocking. There is apparently a problem in your relationship with her, and it's probably rooted in "control issues." I really don't think this is about money. I think that's a smoke screen for the real problem, that only you and she are aware of, but for some reason aren't dealing with it.

I'm guessing she's threatened by your growing family. I'm guessing that to your mother, your growing family means you and your husband's relationhip love for each other is stronger, more children mean that your time and affection will now be focused on them as well as your husband, and as a family strengthens, so does their value system and resolve to be cohesive as a unit.

Whether you enjoyed it or it was a source of conflict between the two of you, if she's the kind of mom that wielded control over you and your decisions, and that's how she found purpose in her life, she's probably feeling suddenly cut out of your life...and is therefore bitter about it. In fact, she's probably been seething for a while..maybe ever since you left home and got married...but the announcement of the last baby was the last straw for her. Especially if she's having financial concerns, or is worried about where she'll fit into your future as she gets older. Maybe she's wondering who will take care of her, or be there for her when she gets old?? Or maybe she never liked your husband or relationship and is trying to cause friction?

This is the sort of conflict that will not be easily resolved. I agree, if she's going to be a source of disruption in your family, limiting time with her is a good idea. But when the time is right, you do need to establish boundaries with her, and let her know that what you want from her is love and support, not criticism and sabataging behavior. Tell her she will always have a place in your lives as long as she will not harm the marriage, or negatively influence the children. No matter what, now that you're married, your husband and children will always come first. Your mom probably witnessed the marriage, and should know that..and must respect that.

If you are a spiritual family, and faith is part of your lives, you can perhaps incorporate that into the healing process. Suggest that you meet with your pastor, or even consider a family counselor if things are at a real serious stalemate. Make ending the relationship the last resort.

If she refuses to come around and see things for what they are, ending the relationship may be the only solution. Perhaps if you make it clear that if she forces you to choose between her and your family, she will lose..will make her reconsider her actions.

I'm so sorry she reacted like this to what is clearly such happy news. Congratulations to you and your family, and I hope you have a wonderul pregnancy!

I have always had a history of being a little financially irresponsible; my husband and I both work full time, and he more or less handles the finances, and we're doing just fine. But I get the impression that my family is always waiting for me to turn back into the adolescent who kept bouncing checks. So I wouldn't be shocked to hear something like this from my mom--not that it would be appropriate, but sometimes previous family patterns can lead to comments that feel insulting or inappropriate.

You said that you're not going to talk to her again until she comes around. I would suggest being a little more forthright than that. Call or email her and explain, as simply as you can, the way that you're feeling. Tell her that this pregnancy was planned and it is a blessing to you and your family. You are financially secure and not concerned about the impact this baby is going to have. And what's more, this is your family and your decision, and you expect her to respect that. If she wants to be a positive, supportive part of your family and your pregnancy, she's welcome, and if not, then she will need to keep her opinions to herself. Then you've explained very clearly what you feel and what you expect, and if she can't do it, then you know that she really isn't going to change her mind, whereas right now she may not even know how much she upset you. I hope she will apologize and come to see what a blessing this child really is.

Good luck, and congratulations!

Unfortunatly, this is probably just the begining of hurtful, stupid comments.
We just told our parents that they don't raise our children or give us money or use their taxes to fund our lives. (we're not on welfare or food stamps) So, until they have a financial stake in our lives, they need to keep their negative opinions to themselves, especially in front of your children. In hindsight, I would have told your mom that it was a good thing I wasn't trying to please HER when I make my marital decisions.
For the most part we handle things with humor, though. In response to the inevitable question "Don't you know what causes that?" My husband likes to say "Yes, but we just loooove pizza!" I say "Yes, and we are REALLY good at it!" That shuts every nosey, rude person up fast.
We don't let any comment that would make our children feel less than a blessing and assest to our home go by without comment.

There are going to be many things in our children's lives that we don't like and may not be able to stop ourselves from commenting on. I would try to forgive your mom's shocked comment and pretend like it didn't happen as much as possible. Unless she starts treating you badly or continuing to make comments. You have every right to tell her that if she is going to act like she has some sort of right to punish you like a disobedient child or mistreat your children (the new baby) that she will be cut from your lives. That should take care of the problem.
My husband's sister ignored our 6th child for a couple of months, not even a congratulations call, and wouldn't discuss the pregnancy at all the whole time. When it started to show that the baby was not getting her love my husband told her that she doesn't pay for our kids, and that not one of them had any fault in what she doesn't like about our family size, they need an aunts love. Show it or don't see any of us. It all ended there and she loves them all, even number 7!

Good luck and stay strong! A third child changes family dynamics in a wonderful way!

I'm so sorry. I can't believe how rude your mom was. Especially when you and your husband are so happy. I agree with you. I would wait for her to apologize to you, because that was uncalled for. Good luck to you!

Does your mom babysit your children when you are at work? If so, maybe she isn't ready to have a baby all day. My mom loves my niece and nephew, but she told me she really didn't like feeling like she had to watch them when they were little.
Also, my mom thinks I should be home with my kids instead of working. Maybe your mom feels the same way, lots of our moms stayed home and just don't understand the cost of living these days is so hard on one income.
Talk to your mom, tell her your feelings, but listen to hers as well. Give her some time after you talk to her to sort out her own feelings and I'm sure she will be more excited after it sinks in. Good luck.

K., I'm sorry your mother is not being supportive for you right now. I'm sure she will come around. But right now, I'm sure your mother is getting up there in years and she's worried about how she maybe able to retire and still live. With the stock markets the way they are right now I think that is where your mother maybe coming from. I know my parents are in a little panic mode right now also. With you and me we don't see the problem like they do. They have all or most of their money put away in stocks, bonds, and 401ks which are not looking good right now for retirement. You may want to try to sit down with her and ask her how are they doing financily. You maybe suprised what you hear. I know I was when I talked to my parnets who I thought would be set for life and then some. I think this has nothing to do with your choice to have an other baby. I think there is something she may not be telling you to save you from her hurt. I hope this may help. And good luck!!!

My mom said the same thing to me about all three of my kids because she hates my husband (whom she has met a total of maybe 6 times). I didn't talk to her until she apologized. That was it. It's not her place to make decisions in your life, and when my mother said something to me again I told her that she was done having her children and she should be grateful I was in such a good position financially and mentally to have as many as we did. I told her that her comments were thoughless and insulting and that I didn't plan on letting her see the grandchildren she didn't want until she realized what a blessing they were. Needless to say my mom and I haven't had a good relationship for over a decade now, so your response may not be as harsh (wink), but that's what it took to get through to her. Good luck, I know it can be hard but you just have to remind yourself that you are an adult with your own life and while you respect your mother you don't have to be her or revolve your life around pleasing her. I hope everything works out for you.

K.; well by not talking to her does not solve the issue, you might want to consider how she feels, ask her why she feels this way, the answer is yes we counted the cost, also who watches the children when you guys are at work, maybe she has some insight as to why she feels that way, if she is watching the kids you can understand her plight, mayhbe she knows its hard on kids for both parents to work, yet nowadays thats normal, how many kids did she bare? maybe something happened to her on her third child or wanted more kids and could not , maybe she is concerned about the toll it takes on your body, i know after i had three kids, it was not the same, nothing ever was the same, my body was different and reacted differently , just ask her why she feels that way and dont get affended, just be able to listen and there is nothing that can be done aobut it now, you are allready pregnant, so just try to understand, she will come around, be the bigger person and allow her her feelings, its ok she has them , she must have a reason for them and to understand her plight might just nice, although you cant change it, and wont, just means she has to accept it, but she has 9 months to do so, so hang in there, and let her talk, and hear her out, if afterward, she still dont want to talk , so be it, it never hurts to try, any way have a good day and enjoy life, and congrats, D. s

hi K..
first of all: congratulations.
secondly, i too had gone through this. with my father, who does in fact help us financially. we had twin boys so i quit working, and thus lost a paycheck...for 2 1/2 years. then we bought a cheaper house, that needed money put in to be somewhat liveable. anyway, yes he had helped us for we are not doing that great financially.

and when i told him that i was happily pregnant again...he nodded and walked away. unlike with the boys, he did not attend the ultrasound appts with my mom and i, did not do all the eager first time grandparent things with her (the third one).

but now he is amazing wth her, he helps me so much by holding her and playing with her when i am too busy with the boys, and hubby is at work and my mom is busy. anyway, he says to her that he will do anything in his power to keep her safe and happy. he does love her alot.

time. and his grandparent instinct (i am sure that not everyone has that, but he did), allowed it end happily ever after. but i like you, was toremented by his lack of acceptance at the time of the pregnancy, knowing that complete strangers were happy for me and he could not be. at the time. now he is the happiest of them all. he laughs at her laugh, smiles when she smiles. it's cute.

anyway, enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your children, enjoy your life. others will come around.

M.
studio sam photography
http://www.studiosamphoto.com

So sorry that you have to deal with this. I had a similar reaction from my Grandmother when I was pregnant with my first child. However she gave no reason for her reaction (my husband and I had been married for 5 years and was just about to make partner at his work) and to this day I feel that this has caused a rift between us. But, I also don't think that she really understood what an impact her words had, nor do I think it was very intentional on her part. So, I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't see anything wrong with giving your mom some space, and you some time to cool off, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to apologize. I doubt she feels that she has any reason to. But, if you are able, I think it could be very beneficial to tell her that her reaction really hurt you and reiterate that you and your husband are very happy about this pregnancy and that you've got the finances covered. And then, as your mom said, it may take a while for her to adjust and get used to the idea. So, give her that time. As others have said, I bet she'll be over it by the time the baby arrives. Best wishes.

Can you think of any other reason that your mom would act so negatively-something in her past perhaps...I would guess that she would come around eventually. Meanwhile, and speaking as a mother of grown children, please don't isolate yourself or your family from her. Keep trying to get through and break down this barrier. Life is too short to go on like that-maybe even tell her the same thing. All of you miss out when the family cannot communicate. she is entitled to her opinion, but not to hurting others with her words. I hope you can all join in the joy of bringing another life into the world!

K.,
Your mom was completely out of line in her response to you. Babies are a blessing no matter if we are prepared for them or not. It is between you and your husband how many children you have. I would tell her that you were hurt about the response. It also seems to be coming from left field since both you and your husband are employed.
I'm expecting our second child and my mom has been making comments to me about not having any more children for various reasons. Bottom like this is between a husband, wife and God, no one else. I know if my heart of hearts that I want more children. Two doesn't seem enough to make our family complete.
Congratulations on your pregnancy K.. No matter what, having this third child will definitely be a blessing in your family. There are plenty of us in this community that are excited for you.

D.

I'm sure you've already received a ton of great advice - I haven't read the other responses, but I thought I would weigh in on this issue since I've had my own share of troubles with my own mom.

I'm guessing that her response was less a judgement of you and your husband and more a statement of concern and fear about the current economic climate. I think the best course of action may be to tell her that you appreciate her concern and that you recognize that her apprehension comes from a place of love but that you and your husband have planned for this new baby.

Anyway, I've found that stating what has been said (often hurtful or demeaning) in a phrase like "I know you are saying this because you care about me" usually seems to open up the lines of communication because my mother feels like she is being heard and I am able to express how her words have impacted me. My mom is very passive aggressive, so this technique seems to work best for me. I hope this helps :)

Best of luck and congratulations on your third addition!

You are not responsible for your mother's feelings. Don't let her shame you...by allowing that, you are giving her power over your life, and as you said, you are a grown, responsible woman. Talk to her, in love, and let her know how you feel using "I" statements (I felt...) rather than, "you made me feel..."
Try to think positively about the situtation and the conversation you might have. The more I simmer over something negative, the more negative thoughts I have and many times thoughts lead to actions (or words). You are wise to let both her and you digest the situation. The worst thing to do though, is let her bring you down with her. Remain upbeat and happy about it all (even though it may annoy her). Hopefully she will feed off the positive energy!

Your mother doesn't sound happy about her own life. This is your life and if you want children then that is your personal decision. I am happy for you..and if she is not happy then she doesn't need to see the new baby and see how she likes that. babies are a gift from god.... J.

I am sorry your mother was so rude to you over your good news. I know how you feel in some ways. When I found out I was pregnant with my third child, which we had trouble concieving so we were on cloud nine, my mother in law told my mother "They have no business bringing another child into a marriage that is in such bad shape" Since we lived 100 feet from my in laws on the family ranch, my mom was worried about my marriage after that comment and told me about the conversation. I was hurt by the comment but confused why she thought that our marriage was bad. I asked her about it and she said my oldest son who was 5 at the time would say "are you always mad at grandpa like my mom is my dad?" or "my daddy doesn't love my mommy". I couldn't figure out why he would think these things until I caught myself saying "your dad makes me so mad, he never picks up his hats" I wasn't really mad just irratated, but he didn't know that. Then I noticed a lot of the times after dinner I would tell my husband "if you really loved me you would do dishes", knowing full well he wouldn't do it... but my son took it that he didn't really love me. It took changing the way I said things and reassuring my son (and mother in law) that our marriage was sound and good, things settled down.

So with that, have you mentioned being broke or short on money around the kids? Have you complained about bills? Could your children be repeating things to your mother, or is she worried about the ecomony with all this?

Best way to handle it is to tell her "Mom, you hurt us very much and I feel belittled over something I feel so happy about". You don't need to go over your finances with her, it really isn't her business, but reassure her that you have thought it through when you decided to have another child. If you treat it like an adult and talk it over with her, not letting her make you feel like a child, you can show her that you are indeed an adult. There is many times moms can't let go of the "mothering" and this sounds like one of them. She needs to know that she hasn't a say in this decision.

Now for some reassurance. When the baby is born (chances are as soon as she gets use to the pregnancy) she will come around and be happy having another grandchild to love and spoil. I know my mother in law is very close to my youngest and really enjoying his daughter, their first great grandchild.

So call your mom and have a heart to heart talk with her... in person over lunch in a public place would probably keep things calmer if it did get out of hand.

I will pray that this wonderful gift from GOd, will not feel any of this negativity about their birth. God bless your little baby to be.

I'm happy for you K.! You focus on staying healthy and happy so your new little one will stay calm and come out excited to be alive. You and your husband have been blessed with another child and God will see that everything else works out. You guys just focus on your family at home.

I am a grandma of 6 ... I couldn't imagine my life with out one of them. I have 3 beautiful children and they have blessed me with 6 gorgeous grandchildren and I'm thankful for everyone of them.
Blessings Always,
D.

My first thought was how many siblings do you have? If there are only 2 of you (or perhaps you are an only child) your mom may be acting out her own resentment at not being able to have more children-or deciding not to do so.

If not, then I agree with some other posts that she is just being a mom and worried about the future with 3 kids. I know when we decided to have our third I received a lot of surprise from my sister and the rest of the family, but they were so excited for me. I had 2 boys already and wanted to try for a girl---and got her in Aug 08.

Once she sees that baby it will change.

Hang in there, forgive her and maybe ask her why she is so upset about it.

I think it's great that you want a lot of kids, I'm having a hard time get pregnant with a third. You are very blessed to be able to get pregnant and it sounds like you have things in order. I wouldn't worry about what your mom says, you have to remember once you marry then the family becomes you your husband and your kids and they come first. Also, the decsisions made shouldn't require and okay from your mom. If you and your husband are on the same page that's all that matters. Your mom is always going to be your mom and sometimes they step over the line. It's habit for them and you may even have a hard time holding back on your opinions with your kids when they are married and have their own families. Give your mom a break, she is worried about you. this doesn't me you have to take to heart what she says just know she cares and sometimes it doesn't come out right. I don't think you should wait for her to come around to have anything to do with her, maybe write her an e-mail explaining how you feel but nice and only on what happened and how you felt. explain to her that now that she is married the decisions are made that you feel best for the family and that you appreciate her opinions but it is between you and your husband. explain how you felt and how you understand that she cares about you and that's why she said anything because she worries about you and tell her you appreciate her concern. It will work out and she will love this kid as much as the others. Maybe she was having a hard day. good luck

Say exactly what you said to us to her. Tell her how she made you feel (no love lost right?). Tell her that you and your husband have enough resources to provide for this child and make sure you never ask her for any financial help. Chances are she didn't mean to be rude. She is probably just thinking about how much the economy sucks and how it is only getting worse (buy out failure, world markets crashing, dismal, dismal...). Given the unknowns she probably just figures it is safer to only be "saddled" financially with two children rather than three. And she is right. It is cheaper. But life isn't all about money. Don't alienate her. Life is short. Good luck.

I would tell her how hurt you were. I would also let her know that you are happy about the pregnancy and that if she does not have anything nice to say she whould keep it to herself. If you are happy and excited that is what matters. This is your decision- be happy. I have 4 children and love them to peices. Congrats!!

K., my advice would be to keep your chin up and enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. It has been my experience that as much as we would like to, we cannot control the actions and emotions of others. It wouldn't hurt to make a phone call to your mother, avoiding the subject at hand but just to chat. It may just be the olive branch necessary in this case. That way, no matter the response, you know in your heart that you have made every effort... life is too short to have regrets.

Sometimes parents (and even grandparents) have a difficult time realizing that their grown children are responsible and capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the consequences... and sometimes they don't have enough of a life of their own and therefore feel the need to interfere in and control someone else's life. In any case, please take the high road and treat your mother with respect. You won't regret it.

That is so very sad. It sounds to me like a control issue with your mom (if she doesn't have control of your life it makes her uneasy.) Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Forgiver her and it will set YOU free. You should also take charge...tell her that you love her and that even tho her response was hurtful that you hope she finds a way to share joy with your children instead of regret. Also let her know that if she doesn't have positive things to say that you would prefer she say nothing.

Hi K.,

I understand that you are hurt and rightfully so. However, know that your Mom's heart is for you and her response is out of knowing that it takes money to raise children. She will come around in time. She wants the best for you and your family because she does love you. Don't be ashamed of the blessing God has given you. But I would approach her with something like, "I understand your concern about our finances but I think we will be okay. Thanks for caring about us."

I think once you see the response for what it is - concerned about how another child will affect the financial household - I think you will be able to forgive her. I agree that the execution of what she said was hurtful but I think the intention was out of love and lagitimate concern. Sometimes we have to look beyond what the person is verbally saying and hear what their heart for you is.

Congratuations!!!

Just as you say your gonna handle it, just let her cool off and think about what she said, if you act like nothing happend she will think it's okay what she said, and obviously it's not. She might not feel financially stable so it must be hard for her to fathom having another child, i know how you feel though, my parents don't show emotion towards much at all, so your not alone, don't let anyone get you down about a new member to your family!!

Congrats!!!

I am in the same boat. We haven't told my MIL because we already know that she may not say the kindest things. Even if she pulls it together in front of us we know that behind our backs it will be brutal. Most of her lip is directed at me and I don't want the stress. I can tell you from experience that they often come around after the baby is born. The sad part about the whole thing is that they believe that things are more important than people. I wish they could see that babies are such incredible gifts and there is no amount of money that can add up to a life. Enjoy your baby and she will get over it.

WOW!! That was really selfish on her part to say that to you when you were both so excited about this wonderful pregnancy. She is obvioulsy projecting some of her own financial insecutities on to you. It appears her response had little to do with you and everything to do with her. I really beleive this is more about your Moms own selfishness, it seems she was unable to look past herself and see how lucky this new baby is to have two parents who are so excited to welcome a new baby in to this world. The fact that you both work, are financially secure, etc.. does not matter and should not matter in this case, these are material things and these are your choices, you could be a stay at home Mom and your husband could be going to school full time and working part time and your Mother still would have no right to say what she did to you, this was not her place, nor should it be. Ignoring her response and remembering that it is HER insecurities, and her own selfishness that has her acting out, should help you love your Mom, and forgive her for being human sometimes, and hopes that someday when you say something ridiculous to your grown kids they will forgive you as well. :) Good luck, and congradulations!! You and your husband need to go out and celebrate this new chapter in your lives!!!

i had that same problem with my mom and my husband's dad when we were expecting our 1st child. my husband's dad wanted us to get rid of the baby and we were shocked. just because we don't make as much money as he does, does not mean we couldn't take care of the baby. we told him no, we are keeping him and we will get by somehow. as for my mom, she said that i should keep my legs closed and still say that when we are expecting our 2nd child in may. we don't let people tell us what to do, we have a family to think of first, not them, they already had a family and raised us, it's our turn to do so. they came around after our 1st son was born and regretted for saying that(more or less). do not let ur mom's comments hurt you, just let it go and enjoy your family and new baby. it's her loss, not yours. i know u want ur mom to be around for your kids, but it's her decision if she want to spend time with u and ur family. she's trying to make u feel guilty, don't feel guilty, ok. let her feel guilty cuz she's the one who brought up those comments. my mom and i still have an ongoing "hate and love" relationship since i moved out to live with my boyfriend(my husband now). when my mom has those hate moments, i don't let it get to me, i have a family, job and house to think of first. and don't let your mom said "i will take u out of the will" hurt you. if it comes to that. congrats on ur new 3rd upcoming baby! focus on ur family, cuz they are always there for you! take care. J. r.

First, I just want to say I am sorry, it can be so hurtful when those closest to us say things that they really should not.

Sounds like there is some history there of concern on her part for your financial stability, an unfortunate but very common concern for one's parents to have. However, she probably should have kept that concern tucked away in her head for a later time and having that initial reaction to your annoucement was inconsiderate and definitely not putting your feelings first.

As far as what to do, it is hard to say, you know your mom....is she likely to come to you and apologize? You certainly deserve that, but so many people just can't seem to do that even when it is the only appropriate action. I would give yourself a little time to calm down and if you want to smooth things over, initiate a conversation and just let her know, "Hey mom, I know you worry about us, but I need you to know that it really hurt my feelings when you reacted that way and I think it was inappropriate especially in front of my husband and children."

Good luck, I hope she comes around and can be supportive. CONGRATS on your 3rd pregnancy, I am trying to conceive my 3rd as well right now!!

I am sorry that this rift has occurred. It certainly is your life and your choice. All I can say is that I was not very posituve when my son and Daughter-in-law announced they were pregnant. My less than enthusiastic repsonse had to do with my concern for DIL's health(she has a heart problem) andfor the fact that neither was working at the time. I have supported them since and was present for my grand daughter's birth. We have a good relationship. I tell you this so that you know that the rift can be healed. Time may well be your ally. In the mean time, I hope you and your family will enjoy your pregnancy. Please be ready when the time comes to make peace with your mother. Good luck! Liz

You don't respond at all. You, your husband, and children relish in the pleasure of another arrival on the way, and live your lives as if she doesn't exist. If she comes around to apologize later, you graciously accept it because your children are entitled to know their gramma, but if she keeps her distance, you will have time later to explain to the kids why they do not know her. I know it is painful, but right now you have a baby on the way who needs mama to stay healthy and worry is not good for anyone. Best of luck and cograts on the new baby!

Isn't it amazing at how our mothers can push our buttons?! The slightest comment from my mom makes me feel soooo guilty. It's something I always struggle with, and I'm not sure. Possibly just wanting her approval.

There are two ways to look at this (as I see it), which have most likely been touched on already. First, just let this slide for a while. Let her get over her own issues and come to you when she can deal with it. It's done, you're pregnant, and it seems to me that you guys have thought through everything and planned appropriately. Or, second, put into writing (so as to avoid a huge confrontation if she's not ready to deal with this) basically what you told us. Explain that you two have thought everything through, that you're happy and you hope that someday she will be for you too. And you'd like to have her support.

I think, if nothing else, when that little baby is born, she'll get over it pretty quickly! Holding a baby has a magical healing power! Good luck and don't let her get to you too much (I know, easier said than done! :-) ).

I agree with the advice to just give her some time. Don't discuss it with her and let it sit until she gets used to the idea.

Material wealth is not the source of all happiness anyway. Most of us grew up wearing hand-me-downs and we didn't get all the new toys or latest gadgets but we were happy and enjoyed having 2 and even 3 siblings. And it sounds like you are doing fine, so it's really none of her business anyway.

Try not to let it come between you. The support and stability and experience of extended family is important to children, and all your children will enjoy/need her involvement in the coming years. She's just being a mom, she's concerned and worried, and arguing with her likely won't change her mind. She'll need to see that it's all good.

Good luck and congratulations!

Free yourself from your mother's problems and forget about it. She has got a serious issue that only she can solve. As far as your mother goes, the only thing you can do is make sure to let her know how her behavior hurt your family in the midst of a joyous time.

I am very happy for you that you are having another baby! Congratulations! Having a baby is never financially beneficial, but kids really do make life worth living...and then some!! I hope you are able to surround yourself with happy, supportive and encouraging people. I recommend you read the book titled, "Mothering Without A Map" by Kathryn Black. I found that book very helpful and I hope you will too. It is one of those "hard to put down" books and you'll breeze right through it!

First, maybe a silly question, but -- Do you or have you ever borrowed money from your Mom?

If you haven't then I'd say to simple tell her to butt-out (gently of course). My parents went through a phase where they were trying to dictate my life when I got married, and it was rough for everyone, but I stood my ground and kept reafirming that it is my life and I'll do what I please. Now, as they look back they are very apologetic for the trouble they caused and think my husband (who they previously did not like) walks on water.

However, if you have or ever have borrowed money (during your adult life) from you Mom you have opened the door to be criticized and will need to work a little harder to prove you are ready -- however, I still would stand by the approach of consistancy with your message.

Sometimes I've found that parents need the teaching (which included patients) from their children.

Good luck.

I can't imagine why she would say that. Have you borrowed money from her? Does she watch your kids for free? Do you discuss your finances with her? I guess she may be upset because of any of those reasons, but her response should have been uplifting and congratulatory! Congrats on your baby!

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would recommend making a "date" with just your mom to sit down and discuss her response and your feelings. Don't wait for her to contact you, because that will just build the tension.

Try not to become defensive in this sensitive subject, just emphasize how her reaction (whether or not she tries to justify it)really hurt everyone's feelings.

Being able to love a third child IS improving your life!

Hi, K.! Congrats on your pregnanacy! My thought on your mom's reaction is this. Mom's never stop worrying sbout their kids:) I am sure she is struggleing with finances right now as everyone is, and is just worried that when you get your gas bill this winter reality of where we are at will sink in. Even though we all find a way to make it work the economy has a very bleak outlook right now. I'm sure she is happy about the baby, but you are her baby, and she is just worried about you. She loves you, and I am sure she thinks she is giving you some good things to think about and start preparing for. It is probably her way of saying, "Okay, I will get there that I will be happy for you, but you need to start saving now because having another baby is going to be financially hard" As mom's we do make mistakes. Just the other day, my ten year old came to show me his report he was going to turn in a week early. Instead of telling him how great a job he did, I asked him if he really did the best he could do on the project because he still had another week to make it even better. Boy did I feel the air come out of his balloon right after the words came out, but I also know that I just got done with conferences where his teacher said that he rushes through things too much. I felt terrible though for first saying something negative, but I wasn't trying to hurt him, only help him do better. I know it is not the same comparing a ten year old to your experience, but I just hope that it will be easier to forgive her seeing it from that point of view. Best wishes for you and your family!

It looks like your mother is thinking that money brings happiness. However I have found that I am much happier around children then money.

My sister's MIL wanted her to give her baby up for adoption and was very adamant that this would ruin her son's educational opportunity. However, since the baby was born, he has been the apple of his grandmother's eye. (and he son went on to get his masters)

I would advise to stay distanced from her until she can accept the pregnancy gracefully, if that doesn't happen
then let the baby win her over.