Coming to Terms with Choosing Not to Have More Kids

Ditto what LeeLee said, and I want to add that three isn't the greatest number, because one kid always ends up getting left out. Two parents, two kids -- it's the perfect number.

I had two perfect boys, really close together... within one year.

People would ask me if I wanted to have a daughter, or if I wanted to have another after mine were a little older, but I knew that those 2 boys were my heart and needed all of me. I did NOT want a daughter, as I was a tomboy and didnt want to worry about fixing hair and bows and dresses and stuff like that... so I did not have a problem with telling my husband "this is it dude, go get snipped".... I breast fed for a long time and did not want to be on bc because it made me nutso.

If you wanted 3 kids, have them, if you think it's logical to have them, have them. It was not logical for me to have more because if I had a girl I woulda freaked out :) My plan was NO kids, but I also had plan B which was TWO kids.

I feel the same way! In fact, I just posted a question last night about this. I always wanted at least 3, but had so many problems & it was all so much harder than I expected, that I'm pretty positive we will stop at two. My girls are 4 1/2 and 2 years, and I am so happy, and life seems perfect. But I still struggle with the fact that there won't be another sibling for them, like I had always wanted when I was a kid. (I have one brother). But I really do feel this is what's best! :)

I think that people with lots of kids want other people to have lots of kids. People with one kid defend their position by telling others that onlies are just great. People with two or three defend that.

You need to decide what works for YOU. Obviously, a multitude of kids is not what YOU need. (Ignore people who tell you that your family isn't complete without a huge brood.) Whether or not you want one more is something you have to really WANT, considering what you typically go through.

I stopped because I didn't want to have a baby around 40, and I'm fine with that. I also didn't want to mourn not having a little girl again (my husband seems to make boys! LOL!)

I think that SH is giving you good advice, and I agree with what she points out to you.

I gotta ask what on earth the gentleman poster is saying about would you adopt out your daughter. What? That makes absolutely no sense and seems cruel to say. Just because a woman has a hard time with pregnancy and post partum depression, you bring up adopting out the baby?

Please ignore that too, Mom!

Dawn

I am 30, my husband and I got pregnant first try. I have incredibly regular (the same cycles since I was 14) cycles, and I think I'm probably really fertile.

I simply knew I am a better mom to one. I would be doing my son a disservice, and pleasing myself to his detriment, to have another. I knew by having one, I was giving him the best life I could give him. I told myself I might WANT another, but I don't NEED another. I told myself I might WANT another, but I would not be doing the right thing. I set clear boundaries, between wants and needs. Sometimes, it's totally great to go after what you want. Others, it would not be healthy, and trump the family's needs. You may never feel done. My mother in law would have another baby, but she knows it's not fair to adopt when she will only be alive a short time longer. I know a woman who had children until her insides practically fell out, and she still wanted more, but she stopped. Her existing kids could have lost her. Some people never FEEL done, but they are WISE enough to accept that they are.

For me, it helps that I have siblings and am not close with them. I wasn't close with them growing up. I know having a child, does not guarantee friendship or fondness for one another. You might decide to have another, and that's great too! This is just what helped me.

8kids- Your comments were simply ignorant. Talk to any grandparent on earth, and you can bet your butt they don't feel their joy is limited.

i absolutely do NOT agree that limiting the amount of children you have limits the potential joy in your life in any way, shape, fashion or form! i'm sorry 8kidsdad - i normally hold a ton of respect for your answers, but i am a one and done mom and i feel it is an insult to first, S., third borns (or what have you) to insinuate that your life will not be as full or happy unless you have more children.

the secret, as with anything, is to be happy within yourself and appreciate what you have. there is nothing WRONG with having "more" kids (whether that is more than one, more than two, more than five). but there is certainly something wrong, imo, in thinking that any "thing" (be it a new car or more babies) can MAKE you happy. no person- even one you give birth to - can MAKE you happy.

What struck me per your question was:
you have more con's versus pro's, about whether or not to have another baby.

Next: having more kids, will not make it better for your existing children, necessarily. Having more kids, does not make a family more of a family. All your kids know, is that they have each other and how their life is. At present. They don't know necessarily that they are missing out, just because there are not a lot of cousins around. They won't know that, unless you tell them that they are missing out or if you keep telling them that. For example.

My kids, do not have a lot of cousins where I live. They all live in different parts of the world. And my siblings don't have kids, nor do some of my cousins who happen to live in my city. My kids are FINE. They don't say they are missing out. We have lots of friends, with kids. They are happy.
They don't know the difference between growing up with a "big" family or a small family. They just know, their lives and are happy with it. They never... ask us why it is not a BIG family. It just is.

And for yourself, you express in your post, a LOT of discomfort with pregnancy and your uneasiness about the baby phases and how you are real short tempered and yell a lot at your kids. And you had postpartum depression with both your pregnancies. So... would your existing children... be "happy" with a Mommy that just had another baby... and was overwhelmed and short-tempered and possibly depressed, and just crabby all the time... because she had another baby for "them?" At no time, should your children feel "responsible" for whether or not you have another baby or not. It is not their decision.
But if you have another baby, you will need to try and be pleasant about it... so that the existing children do not see their Mommy "suffer" about the new baby. And then wonder why, she had another baby. Kids only "see" what they see, and don't have the sophistication to know the psychological and medical effects, of it.

...do you think, your existing children... will be HAPPY with their Mommy who was miserable during pregnancy, and after, and with a new baby and who is all stressed out and yelling and etc.?

Having another baby, to "solve" your kids perceived well being about not having cousins around... to me, it not a reason. But that is just me.
And I don't mean to be criticizing.
But my kids as I said, do not have a BIG family here, nor a lot of cousins their own age (most of them are older), my siblings do not have kids, and my kids only have 2 grandmas (the Grandpas passed away already), and they are fine and perfectly happy and NOT missing out on anything.

"Family" is not just about having more kids, or about how many cousins a child has. It is also, the friends whom they have, which can also be like "family."

Or if you REALLY want your kids to be a "big" family... then maybe move to another State, in which there is more family/cousins there.

***Adding this: I have 2 kids, a boy and girl. My family is small. My Husband's family is HUGE! He could easily want or have more kids. I could too. I am fertile and get pregnant easily. But, I know my 2 kids are enough for me. My kids would want another "baby" in the house... but they are real happy... just the 2 of them. They are real close. They don't miss anything or what "size" our family is or not. My and my Hubby's family is spread out all over the world. But we have lots of friends in our city, with kids. We are happy with our size family.

Hi there,
I know others will have more thoughts on this, but in terms of creating more siblings for your children to have and to be close to, there are absolutely no guarantees that your children will be close as kids, or adults. Trust me. I have a brother and we are far from being close, even though we live 20 minutes away from from another. In fact, we currently aren't talking. Soooo, take that with a grain of salt and best of luck with your decision.

I really disagree with 8kidsdad on this one. I think you are being amazingly honest and accepting of your own limitations. The idea that every family should have as many children as possible doesn't take into account different personalities, temperaments, talents, etc. You don't think you'd be happy with a third, but you're having trouble letting go of the dream. I really admire that you recognize this about yourself.

I have not yet decided on the size of my family, but I really understand where you are coming from. I have a VERY similar situation, I hate being pregnant and I'm really not into newborns, either. I also suffer from depression. But I always wanted a big family, and I haven't really made up my mind whether I'm going to go for a third or not. So I'll share the way I've been dealing with the decision looming on the horizon, and I hope it helps.

How about starting with the realization that you don't have to make a decision now? Right now, the only decision you need to make (and you've already made it) is that you're not ready for another baby. Whew! Thank goodness that's done. It's not a permanent decision. It's a right now decision, and you're free to change your mind later.

Yes, you're almost 35, which is that magic number, but you probably have another couple of years before you need to decide for sure that you're done or if you want another. Your daughter is only 20 months old - not even two yet! In a couple of years, you may be thrilled to have both children potty-trained and sleeping through the night, and decide that you really don't WANT to start over. You might have a much easier time saying, "That's it! I'm done!"

OR you might decide that you've actually gotten life under control, and are ready and willing to mix things up again. And then, at that time, you can start trying.

I am having a much easier time deciding whether or not I want a third by not deciding right now. I know that I don't want a third right now, and I'll figure out the later...later. I hope this helps! Good luck!

ETA: Nicole C. must be new here. Lots of people struggle with whether or not to have a third - just do a search on this site, and you'll find tons of question asking the same thing. My heart goes out to those with fertility issues (my mother was one), and I think in person, we should try to be respectful if our friends are struggling, but that is exactly why a public message board like this is the perfect place to ask this question (as is evidenced by the many answers). Your question is a valid one, and as you can see, not unique.

I never had a plan on how many children I wanted (other than not a bunch). I adopted my biological niece when I was 27 (not due to infertility) and our family could not have been more complete.

You have the time and the resources to decide what is best for your family. This is such an important decision, trust your judgement.

There are some posters who have many children (eight) that praise the advantages of it because the older kids will take care of the younger kids. Limiting the number of children will not limit your joy as a grandmother OR a mother. How much DILUTED joy is there when you get to grandchild #40, have to number them and they don't ever get 5 minutes alone time with the grandparents?

I really want a big family since I grew up in one and we will have more but I just wanted to commend you for being so honest with us strangers and yourself. It is really brave to admit you might be in over your head with more and then to make the decision for your welfare and your family's happiness. How many people out there keep popping out children they can't financially, emotionally and physically support? Way too many. I think you are a wise woman and your family is lucky to have someone so insightful in thier lives.

It took me a LONG time to get over the baby bug. I always thought I would have three. That was my number. Maybe because I come from a family of three siblings. Who knows. My first pregnancy took awhile to get pregnant, but once I was it was textbook perfect. My second pregnancy I was sicker than a dog for five long months.Luckily, meds helped, but it seemed like a long nine months! I have both a son and daughter and very grateful for that because my husband was done after the second one. I was a little resentful for a long time, but as my kids have hit ages 3 and 4.5 now, I can't imagine going back to that pregnant/newborn stage. Our neighbor has a 4 and 6 year old (both boys) and just had another boy about 6 or 7 weeks ago! We hardly get to see them anymore and she seems exhausted. I get my baby fix by volunteering in children's ministry at church now. I am in a very good place. If I got pregnant tomorrow of course I would be happy, but I am also happy with the blessings I have now. You will get there too!
HTH,
A.

My grand dad used to tell me that the work came before the fun. You had to dam the creek before you can go swimming.

You don't like the pregnancy and the earlty months of crying and changing diapers and having to guess what the baby wanted.

Would you give your kids up for adoption? Your youngest is still in diapers and still doesn't comminucate very well. Would you give your daughtrer up.

You have to wash clothes if you want clean clothes to wear. You have to endure 9 months of pregnancy to enjoy a life time of happiness. You have to endure 12 months of crying and guessing what the crying is all about to enjoy 40 years of fun and who knows how many grandkids.

Someone told me that grandchildren are the reward for raising your kids right. I agree wholeheartedly. I just found out sunday that my 26th grandchild will be born in March.

If you limit your kids, you limit your joy as a grandma. Good luck to you and yours.

I am you for other reasons. My age and my financial/employment situation are working against me.

In general, you only know the answer and it's not one you have to answer right away.

This is cliche, but time will tell.

You have to do what's best for you and your family despite what we may say on here :-)

I can't help you but wanted you to know I could have written this post. The decision to have a third is a common question on here, I know I have asked it. You are not alone. Its a tough call.

I am going through something similar right now. I have three kids. I always wanted at least 3, so I should be happy and fulfilled. But lately, I've had baby fever really, really bad and am wishing I could have one more. My third pregnancy was not easy, but I still wish I could do it again. My husband is done, done, done so I don't see it happening.

People advised me to focus on the positives of my current family, and the positives of having the baby years behind me, so that's what I try to do.

Best wishes!

I know where you're coming from too and like someone said, whether or not to have a 3rd is a common question though typically it's coming from someone who wants a 3rd but the husband doesn't or there's some other more concrete reason to overcome. I always thought I'd have 4 kids - one boy, one girl and boy/girl twins. :) I also grew up wanting more siblings. I just have a sister. But wow are kids a lot more work than I realized! And I too get short tempered and so tired... Most people I know who have more than 2 and don't struggle have a lot of family help. Or maybe nanny help while the mother is a SAHM too. You say you're near both sets of parents but are they really helpful and involved? Friends with more than 2 always seem to have one sick or some issue and now I have few pangs bc of that. I'm a bit jealous of the holiday cards with lots of kids but I know taht's just a picture and day to day it's very hard for many of them. Part of my decision too is clear from a question I posted today about my inlaws. Aside from mental illnesses though, I have also seen that siblings don't necessarily mean friends. Even my husband's sibling who was ok until recently he's not close to at all so he's not close to any of his 3 siblings. I have one sister and we're very close and for the most part have always been. I'd rather have that. I look at my inlaws and think how they had 4 kids and they've had so much misery. Of course that may not happen but I've also seen in larger families that often there's one kid who causes problems. I believe the saying a mother is only as happy as her least happy child. So I don't want to spread myself too thin. Do you live in a kid friendly neighborhood? We have so many kids around I really don't think mine want more siblings. And when you say you can afford another child does that mean pay for college for all 3, have plenty for retirement so they don't have to help you out financially at all? That's my plan and given the cost of college, it's expensive. Another factor is world population. I'm ok replacing myself but that's it. I don't want to add to overpopulation issues. Yet another reason is how tough life can be. Do we have kids for selfish reasons or bc we really think they're going to have a great life? I look at how hard it is to keep a decent job and really worry for my kids. Will they be on blackberries and working 24/7? So I almost feel guilty now for what they might face. And again, like you, I'm not really cut out for a lot of kids. I love mine so much but overall don't like the baby/toddler stage that much. I'm not an easy, go with the flow type person. And I'm not goign to have a 3rd child bc of the ages I do really like bc those are fleeting. I ddin't think it'd be good for my marriage either bc we argued more when the kids were little. I'd rather have an intact marriage and 2 kids than divorced with 3. It sounds like you know your limits which is something I think I do too and am glad about. I can't stand when someone is stressed with 2 and has a 3rd and then keeps complaining how hard it is. 2 is nice to give a sibling in a lot of cases but 3 just isnt' necessary. My friend and I say if you have a 3rd, you give up your right to complain afterwards... So I also knew my limits and stopped and really don't regret it at all now. Hope that helps. :)

I know, I am really late answering your question and you have a whole bunch of answers already, however, I just wanted to tell you what happened to us...we had our girl and boy and decided kept wondering whether to have another one. I don't have depression but my husband does...so we kept on deciding...well, just ONE more...so yes, we went for one more and did have TWINS..., so just that warning, it does happen. We did NOT plan for four children at all. Ended up with boy/girl twins, so had two girls and two boys and our children are all grown now...but it was a handfull and lots of work...and when the twins were two weeks old my husband went and got a vascetomy :)

Just feel blessed that you were able to have two children. I have two friends right now struggling with the adoption process. I, myself, went through 5 miscarriages (IVF), and now I have my beautiful baby. Please focus on what you do have, instead of bringing this up to all of us who would be dying to be in your situation. You can talk about this among your close friends, but please be careful when posting in a public forum. Thank you!

If you really do not like the infant through toddler stage, adopt an older child. Check out adoption agencies and ask about adopting a child who is 3 or older. Finding a forever home for children who have not been adopted before they are over 6 months often means they will be shifted from foster home to foster home until they are 18. Then they lose their home even if they still have a year of high school to finish.

I used to think I only wanted two for most of your exact reasons. I truly hated being pregnant and was not fond of that first year and had a really short fuse. I will say now at 45 I dearly wish that I would have went for it. The thing is kids get SO MUCH EASIER as they get older. Don't get me wrong-emotionally harder for sure-but phsyically, much easier. Mine are 10 and 8 now and I would love one a little younger. We have so much fun as a family and another would be wonderful. Plus, I am not ready to let the little kid phase go and they are quickly moving out ot it. Don't want to make your decision tougher just giving you something to think about it. THose couple years of difficulty are long forgotten when they get a little older.

Hi there.
I would say, do whats in your heart. If you think that your life will not be complete until you have a 3rd, then by all means have that 3rd beautiful baby.
I am 40 years old and have a 5 year old and a 21 month old.
IF I was your age, and felt the need to have another child, I would do it. Unfortunately, my husband did not want another and had a vasectomy, it is no longer an option for me.
I mean, what else do you have when you get older but your children and grandchildren to enjoy when your old and grey.........
Your situation with your siblings may not be the case for your children. My sister and I are very close.
I understand the fact that it was hard for your to deal with the baby stage, it was VERY difficult for my sister. I still remember her saying all the time, "I can't wait until Jake gets older!!" (he's now 7).
I always thought I would have 2 kids as I was growing up, but after having my first, I wanted more. It took a long time to find my husband and I didn't start having kids until I was 34. So............. I'm done.
Secretly, I want more. My financial situation is also a factor........If we had another, we would be completely broke and would never be able to save money for the future.
Good luck with your decision!

I am ttc #3 and trying to decide whether to discontinue efforts (2 mc so far) so don't assume it will be easy to have the third. This is a very difficult question that truly only you can answer but there may be doubts either way you decide. Try to think about when you are 60 reflecting back and how you will feel.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I had the same struggle when I decided to only have 1 child. My husband wanted 2. I thought I would have 2. Everyone I knew was asking when we were having number 2. I got pregnant very easily despite being almost 40. I had a good pregnancy and a good baby. However, I also work full time and didn't have the option to stay home (my husband was able to stay home a lot of the time). I also only had 4 weeks off when I had the baby. I was exhausted and I just didn't want to go through it all again. I felt I could give one child a better life than 2. We could do more and travel more easily. At the time, my son didn't have any cousins his age near by (my brother has since moved here and my nieces are close to his age). My husband was pressuring me for baby #2 since we were both over 40 at this point and I felt very guilty for not wanting to give my son a sibling. When I met people who were only children I would quiz them about how happy they were not having siblings. I have friends with siblings who passed away or they don't speak so they are essentially only children now. Finally I decided that having a happy family meant having a happy mommy with only one child.I knew in my heart I couldn't handle a 2nd. I had to convince my husband of that but he finally understood and I think he would have had a hard time with a 2nd also. My son is now almost 10 and he said he is happy as an only child because his cousins are always fighting. He has 7 or 8 really close friends and he has a 20 year old male babysitter who is like a big brother. He is close to his cousins here but we also travel to New York twice a year and he gets to see his other cousins that are his age. They are very close despite being across the country.

It seems like you came up with a plan for your life and you feel like you want to stick to it even though it's not the best plan anymore. It's ok to modify your plan. You have a complete family. It seems that your daughter is at the age now where you can enjoy time with her. Take your kids to visit cousins that don't live near by (or video chat with them) so you kids get to know their cousins. It's better for your 2 kids to have a happy mommy than to have 3 kids and a stressed mommy. Maybe you can take in foster kids at some point who are older (or adopt an older child) since you have the room and finances. This way you don't have to go through the pregnancy and depression but you get to have more children.

Good luck with everything. Hope this helps.

Good luck with your decision. Hope this helps!

One size will never fit all. What works for one family will be disaster for another.

When we were fairly sure we were done, I went in to have a tubal ligation, and nixed that idea before the initial consultation was over. "You must be 100% sure," they said."I will NEVER be 100%," I said, so it seemed best to not get the operation.

My youngest is now 13 and I'm 46, and I'm ALMOST at 100%. ;) Occasionally, I still think about foster or adoptive kids, but I know that I don't want to be pregnant again - too many risks at this age.

You don't have to decide now, or even in two years. You have time. You, also, may never be 100%, but it will become obvious which way the scale tips.

Also, I hesitate to speak for others, but I think the question about, "Would you give your daughter up for adoption?" was meant as a way to demonstrate that you do, indeed, adore your kids, despite the fact that life isn't perfect. Even on days when parents say, "Oh my gosh, I'm ready to sell them to the circus!" (my dad's threat was, "I'll trade you for a spotted pony!") we know that, deep down, most of us would do anything for our kids. We love them so deeply it hurts, even when they make us crazy. I think that question was the poster's way of pointing out that your immediate, gut reaction will always be to have joy in your kids (however many you have.)

I don't think anyone intended any offense.