I posted before about coaching my own stepdaughter's cheerleading team and the last meet she displayed a bad attitude again! (she is 9)
At the competition they had little extra contests, one was a jump contest, one was a stunt contest and one was a tumbling contest. The coaches were to select one stunt group, one jumper and one tumbler from their team for the contest. I picked our best stunt group, our best jumper and our best tumbler. My stepdaughter was not in the stunt group, she is not our best tumbler and she is not our best jumper so she wasn't picked.
We were sitting on the competition floor, in full view of our audience, and she decided to sulk horribly. She crossed her arms, she put on the sulkiest face possible and turned her back on me.
I quietly warned her to remove that look from her face and to be a good sport because everyone was watching and she didn't. So I took her from the gym into the hall and I made her sit there until she decided to be a team member again. I explained that I had to choose the best stunt group, the best tumbler and the best jumper and that I chose just that, and did she have any reason to think I should have chosen her? She didn't.
She returned to the gym and put on a neutral face. I don't expect my girls to be HAPPY that they weren't chosen, and a disappointed "aw shucks" face is okay but sulking is NOT okay and none of the other girls on the team that weren't chosen were upset and sulking.
My SD is the most difficult person on my team to deal with. She doesn't listen, she goofs off and gets the other girls to goof off with her and if she doesn't get her way, she sulks. For example, if I'm picking who gets to go up in stunts (and I try to be very fair about it) and she's not chosen, she'll back up out of the girls and give me a sulky face. I'm always fair, all the girls go up in stunts an equal amount of times in the routine. When I don't choose my SD, it's because I'm giving someone else a chance. If I do choose her, it's because it's her turn. I've EXPLAINED that to her when we're not in class!
The sulky thing is not unique to just her on my team. She does it in other classes too that I don't teach. When she doesn't get her way, she gives everyone the stormy cloud face and refuses to participate!
What do I do? I try to let the other teachers handle it when she's in their class, some of them make it worse by giving her attention, others ignore it. We homeschool, and I don't get that in homeschool but then again homeschool is all about her and she's got my undivided attention.
My husband doesn't think it's "that big of a deal" and "I'm making a mountain out of a molehill." He thinks it's "natural" for kids to be upset when they don't get their way. I think it's true that it IS disappointing when you don't get what you want, but sulking like a 4-year old when you're 9 is NOT okay. Her mom doesn't see her often enough to really do anything.
I have to deal with this as her coach, not a parent-figure, since her dad doesn't think it's an issue. However, pulling her from the next competition will cause a big issue with Dad since he thinks I"m blowing it out of proportion. What should I do? Is it really NOT that big of a deal and I'm just being overly sensitive?
Thanks for the suggestions! I wish that I didn't have to coach her, not because I don't love her or love coaching her but because of these types of issues.
I've been coaching cheerleading since before I knew her and none of the other girls in my classes above the age of 5 act this way. Come to think of it, none of the younger ones on our competitive team act this way! (But some of the kids in our classes do if they want to be first in line, etc.)
I think your suggestions of ignoring it are great. I've also decided that instead of calling her out on being a bad sport (which is a form of attention even if it is negative) I'm going to start awarding GOOD behavior on the team! Every girl who is a good sport at the competition will get a certificate, and demonstrating good spirit will earn them a Spirit Stick. That way I'm really rewarding the behavior I like and calling attention to it instead of what I was doing before, which was punishing bad behavior AND calling attention to it! I will be sure to reward any good behavior I see from my SD as well and call attention to that!
Thanks moms for pointing that out!
More Answers
M.L.
answers from
Houston
on
I was a competitive cheerleader and we had an assistant mom coach, and also my drama teacher''s daughter was in our class (though their was much favoritism there).
Really, I would just treat her like any other teammate. She wants to sulk and look like an idiot, let her. No need to march her in the hallway for an additional lecture. If you wouldn't do that for another girl, than don't do it for her. She'll just have to learn the consequences. Maybe later, you can help her figure out what area is her favorite, like jumps or tumbling for example and help her to work on one thing so she feels like she excels at something. Give her plenty of positive reinforcement. When she pouts or throws a fit when it's another girls turn, I would let her know if she continues, then she will lose her turn until she can get a better attitude. Does your team not have any kind of demerit system? Perhaps you need to implement one so that all girls are held up to the same standard attitude and performance wise and with the same consequences for punishment.
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M.J.
answers from
Sacramento
on
The best approach may be to just ignore her because I think right now she's getting what she wants: your attention when she's upset. In a way, that can just reinforce bad behavior. If you ignore her when she's pouting like a little kid, there's no reward for her. She's just sitting there pouting with no special attention.
Just my two cents ...
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D.S.
answers from
Houston
on
what would you do with the other kids on the team if they did this???? same rules apply :)
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D.M.
answers from
Denver
on
I wonder why she behaves this way as it's not just in cheerleading. She must have learned it somewhere... THEN I got to the bottom of the post where you stated "her Dad doesn't think it's an issue" A-HA.... As hard as it is, he is the primary parent and this behavior should be addressed by him, at minimum both of you - he has to be on board. If he gives in to her pouting (does he?), he's just encouraging her behavior and she's just doing what has always worked for her. Easier said than done I know... I agree with the poster who said, treat her like anyone else, explain why you do what you do (as you do to the whole group) and igonore her pouting. I think that's the best you can do w/o Dad's support. Good luck
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B.K.
answers from
Chicago
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Understand where she is coming from. Listen to her without interrupting, help her understand herself. Teach her about controlling emotions by modeling, no yelling, if you do.
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C.L.
answers from
Chicago
on
I coach cheerleading as well. However, I do not coach my children because I do not want to run into these issues. Maybe she needs to be coach by someone else that way when she is held out of competition for unsportmanship or is made to sit out a game its not you blowing it out of porportion. It seems no one has set boundary lines with this child and she is used to getting her way by acting a certain way. Sport is for learning discipline and team work she is not a team player when she wants this to be all about her. It seems her father also has been brushing it off for years. I wouldnt change anything I was doing with my squad and I would also have consquences for acting out and treat her like all the other girls. Also it sounds like she has some other issues as well maybe counseling with her would be benefical. Good Luck.
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M.A.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I understand. Not only did I have 4 kids, I also had an angry granddaughter live with me for 2 years. what got me through the "trying" years were some amazing tools to help me handle my emotions, understand the kids, and deal with challenges. I decided to start teaching others to use these tools and introduce them in a Free Belief-management Mini-Course that lasts 3 hours and is very enlightening. You would explore your beliefs about the situation and begin to understand more about what is going on and possibly begin restructuring things. Let me know if you are interested. I live in San Jose near Los Gatos and Saratoga. All the best, M. Atteberry
