hello - i've posted before about my partner's 5 1/2 yr old daughter coming to live with us permanently. well, it hasn't been discussed yet, but i have a more immediate issue when she comes to stay with us (she is with us now).
the problem is, i am concerned about her sleeping issues. to this day, she cannot sleep alone: she must have someone sleep with her all night. She wakes up 3-10 times a night, crying to make sure someone is there with her. If my partner leaves when she is sleeping to sleep in our bed, inevitably she will wake up crying within an hour until he goes back to sleep with her. She recently got her own bed at her mother's house, but they still sleep in the same room (up until she was 5, she slept in the same bed with her mom).
Anyway, i know different people have different opinions about co-sleeping, and I'd love to hear them. I am personally not against it, but I think its such a touchy subject because without both parents fostering independence in the child, together, in my opinion she will never want to grow up. Her mother has held on to co-sleeping (and other practices) because she herself has become co-dependent with the child. My partner will always give in to his daughter because he is afraid she won't feel safe.
How can he make her feel safe while also helping her to grow up and sleep on her own? THe middle of the night doesn't seem like the best time to rationalize, since she is half asleep when she cries.
( I am afraid this behavior will go on for years, and I'm scared that it will make living with a newborn extra difficult (in 4 months from now). )
You need to stop it now .Or she will sleep with you forever. She needs to understand she is to old to be sleeping with someone. Shes a big girl now .
I've experienced this with friends who, in my opinion, do not work towards independence with their child at all. Ever since the child has been waking up several times a night crying and whining. My kids do not do this and so I find it very annoying. she is 5 and very capable of sleeping alone and sleeping through the night. I had to deal with her once and I just said how it was. "You're safe, and okay. you need t go back to sleep and I don't want my kids to wake up." Her mom was going about her way and not getting any where or getting the child back to sleep. After i sternly said that to her she was quiet and went to sleep. Kids will be as you train them to be. If they are afraid, you show them they are safe and they will get used to it. I do share the bed with my kids (6 and 16 months) some times, but they will both sleep through the night and I can sneak away if I have to. my little one is a little harder, but she will grow out of it. just now she cried, but I did not run to her. she fell back asleep. if you give them a little time to see that they can be independent they will start to be more so.
it will be very hard with a new one coming to share the bed with that many. Good luck and tell you partner that she will continue to be scared as long and she doesn't know it's safe.
My step daughter was used to sleeping with her Mom, too. It was hard for us, but we had to just keep putting her in her bed with lots of hugs and kisses. She began to get up less and less and now she sleeps fine in her own bed. Since her mother remarried, she is glad we helped to break her habit. I think any parents who have split up want to do everything they can to make children feel safe. You can help her feel safe and loved without sharing you bed. It just takes time, love and lots of patience and not giving in to the tears. Good luck!
This is my view on cosleeping. Do you prefer to sleep with the ones you love? I mean, honestly.... I can see why young children love to sleep with their parents. I feel lonely when DH isn't in bed with me.
That being said, we stopped our cosleeping arrangement when our daughter was 18 months old.
You need to remember that this is all an adjustment for her. I really recommend you check out The No Cry Sleep solution for toddlers. While it's geared towards slightly younger children, her transition to her own bed is no different than a toddler, her fears and anxiety is the same.
Just be patient with her and make the progression slow.
We're a family of four who sleep together in one big bed. Our boys are 7.5 and 4.5. I believe children outgrow needs when they're met, and I believe nighttime is an especially vulnerable time for children. Different children outgrow that feeling of fear and vulnerability at night at different ages. I think that meeting their need for closeness and safety (emotional and otherwise) at night helps them reach the point in their own time when they feel ready to be on their own. That will happen, inevitably, it is part of nature, even designed by nature. If they are denied what they need, it will either a) take that much longer for them to feel safe on their own, or b) they will live their entire lives feeling unsafe on some level. For a child going through a huge transition from one household/family to another, or any other changes such as a family member changing jobs, etc etc etc., they are that much more vulnerable and need that much more proximity at night.
That's my belief, opinion, experience, perspective. Hope something here helps :)
My 3 year old son has a similar sleeping issue. He always wants me to sleep in his bed or to sleep in my bed. I calmly tell him that he has to sleep in his bed and mama has to sleep in her bed. Some things that have helped this is giving him something that makes him feel secure. With my son that changes almost nightly. Sometimes it's a stuffed animal, sometimes a special blanket, sometimes a sippy cup with some milk, our dog. I always tell him that mama's in the next room so he dosen't have to worry. I hope this gives you an idea to work with. Good luck.
I have an 17 mo. old, and she sleeps with me. I believe to us it has also been beneficial, because her dad and I separated for a while,but we are still married, I believe it's been comforting for her to sleep in bed with us first, then me, and now us or him on the weekends. I don't know if we'll have her in bed when she's 5, she'll probably be welcomed there, but i would think by then she'll sleep ok. because she's already sleeping through the night in her own "part" of the bed for the most part. DD is a very secure and happy child, and she is moving towards more independence at her pace.
So, from my experience, I would think, and this is only my guess, that her dependence does have other roots, besides just the co-sleeping, perhaps her parents separation affecter her? maybe changes in her life make her feel like she 'must' hold on to something or it'll go away, this to me would be manifestation of other issues, not just 'co-sleeping' issues...the only other child who i know does something like what you described, has mom and dad in the household, but mom is quite self-involved and has a job that requires her to travel a lot, so i think that's where her insecurity comes from.
I too would say to give her time to adjust to things, and not to do things right around the baby, because even if you say you're "not" doing things because of the new baby, she may perceive them that way, and resent the baby for it.
If it were me, i'd probaby welcome her in bed with her dad and I, or at least in the same room on a mattress next to our bed, and wait until the new baby was a bit older to start a transition period.
I would also check out www.askdrsears.com in the sleep section, see what the suggestions are for transitioning children out of family beds.
Start by putting her bed next to yours. Our son is 4 and has had his bed next to ours since we got rid of his crib when he was 2.
First off this is a touchy situation, and people will have different views. I personally feel that the co-sleeping has gone on for too long and that is going to make it very difficult to transition for all involved. My suggestion would be to transition. Instead of starting her out in her own space, start small and have a bed in your room. Explain to her that it is okay, if she has any questions or is scared address those too. After she gats more comfortable make another trasition what you would see fit. Maybe moving the bed further away in the room, then putting her in her room but let her know that you will come check on her and leave your door open. Make sure you follow through on the things you say, though. I think this is a problem that can be remedied but it will take a long time and a lot of patience and understanding.
My son had and still has night terror, I don't know if you ever heard of it, but they are very intense nightmeres, and even when his eyes were open they were almost like a waking dream, it is a hard thing for me to explain, but my point is for someone who does have nightmeres sleeping with a light on so when they do wake they can find familiar items, and know where they are at. This really worked for my daughter when we were breaking her wanting to sleep with us is she started in the bed then we got her mattress we put it between our bed and hallway, and we just gradually started to put her in her own room without the fight we explained this is what we are going to do, and it helped us alot!! My opion on children sleeping in your bed is only it will put a damper on your relationship, I really never knew how much I enjoyed sleeping next to my husband alone until we put the kids in thier on bed and wow we really look forward to be able to just fall asleep with each other.
At 5 years, I believeit may be time to break it. What we did, and it took some time, was to put a matress on the floor of our room. Each night he slept all night through, without crawling into bed, we rewarded him. Slowly, we moved him into his own room.
On another note, if she is waking at night crying in need of comfort at 5, she is not looking for attention, she is looking for security, I would suggest you may need to ask a pediatritian about this issue, maybe see a counsler for whatever may be bothering her. This really is NOT normal at her age, even if she was co-slept with at her mothers house, its NOT natural at all.
My son started sleeping with us when I was pregnant (after we got into a car accident.) It was just easier to give in than to make him get out of bed. We started by putting a mattress on the floor and told him he could sleep in it but could not sleep in our bed. Each night I moved the mattress closer to the door (a little at a time) and then told him when it gets to the door it was time for him to sleep in his own bed. We let him pick out a new bed ( he picked a cool car bed) and told him he could have a hamster if he cont. to sleep in his bed in his own room. It worked.... I dont really recomend the hamster since they are awake at night and he ended up telling me to take it out cause he couldnt sleep, but he slept in his bed from then on. I would also try night lights, maybe new pj's, a stuffed animial. Things she can pick out at the store so she feels like she is helping make the decision to sleep in her own bed. I hope this helps, good luck and good luck with the little one too!!
C., the sleeping issue IS a problem at 6.
This child's mother seems to have been using her as a crutch for her own issues with sleeping alone. It's not healthy or normal for a child to sleep with a parent every night for that length of time.
I know this will be a VERY stressful time for you, as a new mom, when she arrives in your home. The things you and your partner need to make sure of is that she feels loved and safe.
I, on the other hand, would NOT fuel her insecurities and let her sleep in the bed with you. Maybe try putting a small bed in your room for a while and discuss openly how long that bed will stay there...so that she KNOWS it's not permanent. Does your partner share your feelings about this issue?
It's hard with girls...my husband has a daughter who he treated differently than his other daughter until this past summer. She is the younger of the two & he treated her like an angel. She did some of the same things, was an angel as long as you were giving her your undivided attention...and he never saw her "other" side, because he was at work a lot. This summer, he spent A LOT of time with us and began to see her behavior as it usually was....he DID NOT like it and let her know he would not tolerate it. There were a couple incidences where she got upset and pouted for a while, but she realized that she was going to respect me and my relationship with my husband...and she was going to act like a "big girl". We haven't had another issue with it since.
I know it's frustrating if your partner doesn't share your opinion, just make sure the two of you have good communication about things.
He probably feels like she has been missing out on something not having him...and is trying to make up for that when he does have her. (at least that's what my husband was doing) The thing your partner must realize is that SHE sees ,better than he does, what things she can do to get what she wants from him. The more he gives in to that, the worse the situation will get. Again, just keep those communication lines open with him. Take notes & talk with him about the things you have issues with. It's when we hold things in that gets us in trouble.
I'm not sure if this will help you, but I hope it does a little.
I would in some ways separate the two issues. Deal with the fears and insecurities when she's awake. And co-sleep with her in your bed until she's ready to make her own space. Maybe talk to her about making it hers. Pick out a new color to paint the walls. Talk about how big she is and how exciting it is she's going to be a big sister. Also talk about how if she sleeps with you once the baby is born she might not to get sleep very well because the baby will wake up all the time and you'll all have to help care for it. Make it her choice to move out, and encourage her the whole way. Lots of praise for bravery, reassurance for fear. Also about other good things that happen when you sleep on your own, you can have sleepovers with friends, you can leave a night light on if you want. I like the sleeping bag on the floor idea as well.
But you also have to balance what's comfortable and good for you.
HI C.,
I want to preface this with I really hope you don't become offended by what I have to say. It is not mean to be rude or mean.
I understand that 5 is a little old to be co-sleeping but i really think you need to look at the whole picture in one. I think you and your partner and his daughter need to find a counselor, therapist, pastor, or someone along those lines you would be comfortable with, to help you through this transition. I read your post about her coming to live with you and it seems that you have some serious resentment about it.
You talk about her mother in a way that sounds ike she is tough to deal with and that her little girl is just like her. I can see why that would be difficult but you need to remember that she is 5 and that can be hard especially going through all of this. She probabley feels like you are the evil woman who stole her daddy and so she needs to really believe you love her and maybe someone can sit with your whole family and help with the transition. help her to see that just because her mommy and daddy arent together and she is moving in with her daddy and you and then a baby that she is sure to have issues with, that she is still a special loved little girl. I hope you understand I am not trying to say you dont love her or are mean to her but she probabley feels that way in the unrational mind of a five year old.
I hope you find a way to accept this transition and your partner can help his little girl adjust and become an independent happy little girl.
Good luck i wish the best for your family.
C.,
I have a 12 yr old step-daughter, a 4 yr old son & 2 yr old daughter. When I met my husband his daughter "Lilly" would sleep with him. After we were married, we talked and thought that it would be best for Lilly to sleep on her own. We had to lay with her until Lilly fell asleep (which seemed like hours) after going through this, I knew that I would not let our children do that. Since our son was born, Lilly has been sleeping on her own (she saw that he did it). The problem is that Lilly's Mother has done nothing to stop this at her house and Lilly is still sleeping with her Mother. Her Mother has remarried and still sleeps with her leaving her husband in the other room. Lilly will not even go to friends sleep overs because her mother is not there. This is the time to stop it before it gets worse. Take her to the store and let her pick out some "special" big girl presents that she can only have if she sleeps in her own big girl bed. New Pajama's, new animals, a new blanket, something that she picks out on her own.
Hope this helps!!
I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST PUTTING A BED FOR HER RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS
IN A FEW WEEKS AFTER SHE SETTLES IN I WOULD MOVE HER BED AWAY FROM YOURS BUT STILL IN THE SAME ROOM
I WOULD SUGGEST HER HAVING HER OUN ROOM PAINTED THE WAY SHE WANTS IT SO WHEN SHES COMFORABLE WITH IT YOU CAN MOVE HER BED INTO HER SPECIAL ROOM
I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU MAKE SURE YOU DONT MOVE HER RIGHT AFTER THE NEW BABY, AS SHE MIGHT FEEL SHE'S BEING REPLACED
BE SURE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT IT
JUST BEING LISTENED TO COULD MAKE HER FEEL MORE SUCURE IN HER NEW HOME
GOOD LUCK!!
Well let me tell you..... I have two children. They are Peyton (almost 4) and Aris (2). Peyton still sleeps with us and it is comforting. It is on the other hand a bit difficult now that he is getting bigger. We only have a queen size bed.
When Aris was born I swore we weren't going to have BOTH kids with us in bed. You learn from your first. I know your situation is different.
The crib stays in the room with us also. I know in time things will have to change but until school starts and friends start sleeping over I'm not going to worry.
Give her time. It sounds like she needs the extra comfort. I don't know if that helped but I hope it did at least a little.
wow... I am torn a bit.
I came from a broken home myself and can see where the five year old is comming from. I can also understand your concern with her independence. Personally I slept with my mom until I was married! scarey huh! We moved a lot and since I had a lot of brothers there was never a room for me. I am a very independent adult. You might say that our situation was different. but I see it the same. She's just lost her family, don't take away her rituals too. She'll forever hate you as the step mother and hate your child too! she is soon to be the third wheel no matter how you put it... the reality of a broken family is and will always be there. She'll come home from her mom's and her sibling will always have stayed behind. You'll have gone out to dinner while she was gone.. and she'll be jelous cause you did it without her. These are all the things we faced growing up. There was so much headache as a child growing up in this situation.
I know this sounds awful but I am just giving it to you how I had it. and how I felt growing up. I loved my step mom dearly.. but i resented my dad for having her children and I still do. He spends more time with them than he does us. and we are super jelous! He was our Dad first...
See issues.. I'd say put a sleeping bag on the floor and tell her if she wants to sleep in your room she can, she'll eventually grow out of it. My mom did this for me and it was much better than sleeping in a room all alone. you can slowly move the sleeping bad towards the door.. Over time..
Good Luck
That is a tough one. My son slept with me on and off until 11 months. When it came time to put him into a crib it was tough on both of us. I had to leave him in there and just let him cry. I would go in there every 10 minutes to let him know that I was still there, but would not lift him out of the crib. I guess what I am getting at is that when your step daughter sits in her bed and cries, instead of your husband crawling into bed with her, why doesint he go and sit in there until she falls back to sleep. Do that then decrease the time that he, or you, sits in there at night. Talk to her mom as well about this issue. It is hard enough sharing a bed with one other, but two others is pushing it. This is basically where tough love comes in to play. We cant bend over backwards every single time to please our children. If this continues I would suggest some counseling to find out why this child has such a fear of being left alone. Good luck and hey you learned one thing about parenting, dont share your bed with your children for too long, at least you didint have to find this out the hard way like most of us.
Does she have to share a room? If not, Let her sleep with the light on. My son is terrified of the dark. So, to make it easier we leave the light on for him. That way when he wakes up (most every night) he can look around, see familiar toys and stuff and he goes back to sleep. Make a ritual of going to bed. I mean, have a routine of what you do. I say a nightly prayer and shake out my son's dream catcher. The same thing done over and over, always in the same order, seems to settle him down.
You can't change what her mother does but you can make it known that in your house it's agianst the rules for her to sleep with you. Try to reward her for time spent in her own bed. Set up a chart and use stickers and rewards. It may take a while but she'll learn. It's so difficult with two households doing different things. She needs consistancy as much as possible with the living situation. Use stories or other tricks to get her to feel safe. It will take a while, nothing worth while is easy. Good luck, let me know how it works out.
C.,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, especially pregnant. I would have the same concerns as you do, and would add that the habits developed as children often stay with a person throughout their lives. She needs to learn how to soothe herself back to sleep when she wakes in the night, just like we all do, or she may have sleep issues as an adult. If she is waking up several times a night, she is also not getting the health and restorative benefits of a full nights sleep (and neither are you).
How to help her? I think it's critical that you and your partner are on the same page and fully supportive of each other. Ultimately, you have to let your own parenting gut be your guide, but a couple sources I'd recommend are -- Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, the "Baby Whisperer" books, and I think particularly helpful at your stage with an older child, would be a few episodes of Suppernanny that has a family with sleep issues. I've seen this exact issue on the show. You can take the tactics she uses and apply them as you see fit. (I think she might have a book now, too. Jo Frost is her name and the show is on ABC.)
Not always holding and soothing my son when he cries at night is literally one of the hardest things to do, but I remind myself as I lay there in bed that my child needs his sleep and it's up to me to make sure he gets that sleep. When he is sick or something, I bend the rules a bit, but the every night waking is a habit, however legitimate it may be, that you can break. Be patient and consistent, and good luck!
C.,
Well first you need to figure out what else may be going on with her. For example, is there tension between her mother and you? Her mother and her father? Has she done this in previous visitations? Is she afraid of the dark? Is she having nightmares? What is the situation with her mother and her?
My 8 yr old daughter use to go to her fathers house when she wanted to visit. I know people say it is not the children's choice, but I was in a different situation. He really was not into taking her. She was happy with seeing him every now and then. She was 1 yr old when we divorced and he had custody of our two older children. Well he got married to a complete control freak, (not saying you are)about 2 years ago, and out of spit of me she forced him into making my 8 yr old then 6 go for visitations. She cries and beggs me not to make her go but he won't listen to reason and does not understand that he is emotionally damaging her. After each visitation she wants to sleep with me and I let her for the first night or two, but she knows she will have to sleep in her own bed. She has nightmares and is all of a sudden afraid of the dark. I bought her a lamp with a soft pink light to give off enough light in her room.
I don't know the situation with you and your partner's ex, but there are a few things to consider...
I too had my daughter sleeping with me until she was 5. My husband at the time slept on the couch and she gave me comfort. I divorced him and my daughter & I moved into an apartment, she continued to sleep with me until I met my husband now, he convinced me that she needed to be in her own bed for reasons such as it's wrong for kids that age to still be sleeping with any parent & she needs her own space. It was hard for the first few weeks but we got through it. We put her in her own bed & she started crying & screaming, its hard to see your kids doing that but it had to be done, that lasted for a few nights, we just let her scream & cry until she eventually fell asleep then she just got use to it. A night light if you don't already have one might help.
