Co-households

Hi K. M,
My ex moved to the midwest and visitation with his daughter just about haulted to a minimum of a few weeks to 1 month annually. My daughter was only 3 years old.
The traveling was very hard on her and me and expensive on both me, and the father.
I too experienced the same behaviors and mood swings with my daughter. It was not pleasant.
Her father still chooses to live out of state and that is his choice, I just did not allow him to make it part of my daughters. I limited the time my daughter was to travel out of state meaning: summer months and school intersessions. Plus any in state visitation was welcomed too.
I'd have to say ultimately the decision should be made between the two of you, just make sure it's what is best for the child and not for the parents.

I've been a single mom since 1996. I have both a son (17) and a daughter (14).

First, let me say how sorry I am that you had to go through a divorce and have this situation to deal with. Nothing is harder than to work with custody issues, especially when you are miles apart from an ex-spouse.

My first impression is that your husband is not thinking about what is best for your son. What your child needs is a stable home with a routine and a schedule. It has been proven that children thrive when there lives are scheduled and routine in that they know what to expect in their everyday lives. Why do you both live so far apart? It sounds as if your ex-husband's home life is other than desirable in terms of what your son is learning (and not learning). However, your ex-husband would probably try to think of reasons why your son should be with him and not you all the time. Your job as parents is to raise your child to be a well-adjusted adult who can survive in this difficult place we call "the world". I could probably go on and on, but it sounds like you already have an idea of what being a good parent is.

My advice...first, can you move closer? Also, the whole week with one, and then another is not good either. My husband has two boys who were 2 and 4 when he was divorced. I also met him at that time. They have joint custody, and the boys stayed with her most of the week and then with him about 3 days out of the week unless other arrangements were made. Once in school, the boys went to her house during the school week and his house every weekend, Friday, Saturday, and every other Sunday. In the summertime the boys are with us Thur, Fri, Sat, and every other Sunday. In my opinion, this is a good plan. The child needs to feel that there is a "primary" home. This creates security. That doesn't mean your ex can't call him and tell him goodnight or find out how his day was, but one home should be the primary home for him.

If you can't move closer, I would suggest hiring a paralegal to help you figure it out legally. Avoid going to court simply because it is costly. Also, you should seek a family counselor's professional opinion about what is best for your child. That gives you a basis to go from in the legal system. Don't make a plan just between you and your ex. You need the plan to be enforceable, and if it isn't legally backed, your husband can change his mind at anytime and throw your son's life into a tailspin.

I am praying for your family that all comes out the way it should...which is what is best for your son. I hope you will find peace and everything works out.

Sincerely,
A concerned Mom and Step-mom
K.

K.,

I went through almost exactly the same thing with my situation. only the distance was about 1500 miles. it is not possible to keep that visitation going when the distance is too far. the thing we ended up doing is setting it up through court. it was the only thing we could do in the end, and it is needed!!!!! make sure that you file first and formost, as my ex filed first in my situation and almost kept my daughter from me for a year and a half! walk lightly and do what you need to do for you and your son! dont let his parents, or him convice you otherwise!

Jo

I would not wait for him to do anything. You need to be proactive, not reactive. It sounds like you have primary custody, so check with an attorny before you agree to split time equally with him. You need to talk with a counselor about what's going on with your son (you need documentaion) and whether or not it is a good idea to keep bouncing him back and forth. Think about this.....YOU have primary custody, HE is not splitting expenses with you, WHO moved out of state? Take charge of this situation before it takes charge of you. It sounds like he is manupulating you.
Good luck

I come from a split home and have seen countless others. To me, it is most important to give the child a sense of stability. It is up to the parents to realize that this is key and not their selfish need for more time with junior. Even though I am a man, I am clear about this, if you were meant to share the son's time evenly then you would have stayed together.

To me the deal is simple --- stay close and visit often... or move and lose a bunch of your time together. There is always video conferencing and Instant Messenger to stay in touch. A month here and month there is not cool for the child's development.

Kurt

Hi K.

I feel for you. I went through a similar situation as yourself. First and foremost is your son's stability. You probably need to go to court if it's not in writting at all. Unless he agrees to sign something that you put down in writing for both of you to agree upon... if he doesn't agree it's best to go back to court for the stability of your son. A child needs stability so very much. My ex and I started off with 1 week here and 1 week with him.... that's not good at all. The girls were having problems with both households - the rules not being the same, no stability and then there's alot of anger and other emotions that surface. Or they play one parent against the other and that causes more problems. It didn't help either that his family kept interfering and kept telling him what to do so we ended up fighting for the girls for over 3 yrs. Eventually we did split the girls 1/2 and 1/2 but that didn't seem to work either - they were complaining about friends, etc.... Both girls are now living with me fulltime and see their father every other weekend. It took us a long time to actually come to the agreement of them staying with me fulltime. He is remarried and he does pay 1/2 of every receipt that I give him. Which in the beginning it wasn't like that... what a headache it was but in the long run and in the end it's best for children to remain in one household for stability if not you're going to have a very upset little boy with two sets of rules and children need a structure with stability. I have remarried and my daughter is a senior and the other is an 8th grader plus I have a 2yr old and 4mth old. My hands are quite full... Talk to your ex and reason with him about stability, if he doesn't budge it's probably in your best interest to go to court. I know it's easier said than done but if it's worth the stability of your son, do it. Hopefully your ex would agree and sign something stating what visitations are expected and that he would live with you fulltime. Good luck and God Bless - L.

I have gone through a similar situation with my daughter. She is a bit older though at 9. My ex is the one who left the state we lived in. He takes my daughter for the summer months only about 8 or 9 weeks. It has worked out well for us and makes sense because my daughter is in school and cannot be juggled back and forth during the schoolyear. You don't have that to worry about right now but it will be a problem for you when he starts school if you keep the same schedule you are using. My best advice to you is to get a lawyer. Have him set up visitation through the courts. That is ultimately the only thing that is going to protect you and your son in the longrun. As a mother I would certainly agree with you that what your ex is asking is a bit crazy and very hard on your son. Of course he should see his son as often as he can but certainly not at the sake of disrupting your sons life every other month. Well I hope that has helped some! Good Luck to you!

K.

Wow, although I've never been through what you're going through, I can imagine it's very very hard! I agree with everyone else- it is not good for your son to spend one month in one place and one in another. Kids especially that age need consistency and stability. Sounds like maybe your ex is a pretty selfish guy. I would definately push the counseling if I were you and even tell him you may be more open to your son spending so much time there if your ex would take some parenting classes. If he refuses, then I think you should re-open the custody case. Any judge with any sense would be able to see that this arraingment is not healthy. Good luck!!

My brother and his ex are in the same situation. She decided to move back home when they broke up being that she didn't have any family out here. First thing you have to do is file something with the courts. FYI, the courts have precedence over both you and your ex, and you will not be allowed to do anything regarding your son without filed agreements, or the courts permission. (My husband and I just learned this with my stepchildren.) Second, the courts will refer you to mediation if you two cannot come up with an agreement amongst yourselves usually, and this can all be very time consuming, and expensive. You both need to think of your son, and each other. If your ex REALLY wants to be an involved parent, let him. My brother and his ex made an arrangement that worked out very well for my nephew, and it did not have any bad effects on him at all. He's five now. They rotated him every four months. This gave them the opportunity to switch off the holidays every year, as well as giving my nephew stability. It was the "Non-custodial" parent's responsibility to provide travel arrangements in order to get my nephew, so there was no having to deal with splitting costs or anything like that. (If you want him, you pay for it, know what I mean?) Whoever had my nephew the most months that year got to claim him on their income taxes, but had to split it and send the other parent the other half. Neither parent paid Child Support. My brother and his ex had their arrangement written and filed with the courts since trust is really hard now a days. And it's worked out great. Next year, my nephew will begin school, and will begin living with his mother during the school year and visiting his father on holidays and during the summer. I'm just glad that my brother was still a major part of his son's life. There aren't many men out there willing to be a part of their child's life, and this proves that when there's a great distance trying to prevent it, there's still a way!

Good luck to you, and I wish you the best!