Clean House? Frustrated and Tired

I had the same problem. My husband makes a MESS. He is worse than my 2 year old. So I told him to help or else. Well he did for like a week. I got mad like you would never believe. I was pregnant with my second child, and was on limited mobility. Still he did hardly anything. A month passed between bathroom cleanings. So even though we could not afford it I hired a housekeeper. After the baby was born 6 months ago I told him we could let her go. He was in heaven never having too hear me complain or yell at him. It is 50 bucks every 2 weeks....I clip coupons and we rarely eat out. My house is spotless and now my laundry is always done! You think you can not afford it, but we make the sacrifice.

I don't have any kids that will help me, but when we first got together my husband was the same way. I told him that if he wanted to eat off clean p;ates then he could wash his own dishes. I washed mine and when he didn't have any more dishes he had to wash them. As far as washing his clothes I have a firm rule, do not leave them laying around, cause that's where they will stay and not get washed. Now that I am having health issues he has steped up to the plate and helps me a lot. I always tell him that I love him and thank him all the time. Or you could tell him he is going to have to pay for a maid.

You are not alone! Try www.flylady.net. It's a free website. You may have heard of it. Trust me, you will feel better right after you read the Home page of it. :)

Dear M.,

Now you've got a very common "fight" going on between the two of you. I believe it happens in many, many households. Basically you are "in your corner" of the "boxing ring" saying that he isn't doing enough, and he is "in his corner" saying that you're not his mother and he doesn't have to mind you.

I think that as long as you push, he'll stand firm and resist being pushed. I think that as long as you try to prove that you're right, he'll work just as hard to prove that you're not right! Now, I know that that can be quite aggravating. After all, isn't it quite obvious that you are overworked? And, if he really loved you, wouldn't he be happy to help out?

I am quite familiar with all those thoughts (and worse thoughts), because I used to think them! But I am convinced that if you want a good, loving marriage, you have to go about it another way. I am pretty sure that you are not going to get what you want by continuing down the "I'm right, you're wrong" pathway.

The main concern here is not all the stuff that needs to be done, and whose job it is to do it. The main concern here is the relationship between you and your husband. I assure you that if you will focus on being the wife that he needs, eventually he will stop resisting you and start loving you. And then you will be so surprised at how he does those things by his own initiative. The key is never expecting it.

The #1 thing your husband needs from you is respect. Respect is what you show to your boss and the policeman. Respect is what your 7 year old son shows to the 10 year olds at school. Respect is shown by acts. Respect says, "I admire you. I look up to you. I am confident in your decisions. And I am confident in your decisions even when you make mistakes. I think you have some pretty good ideas. I think you're cool!" A husband needs respect, but he needs it even more when he doesn't deserve it. Sometimes you have to look past how he's acting right now, and see how you know he can act.

For instance, the #1 thing a woman needs is love. She needs to know that she, and only she, is the one special woman for her husband. And love is shown by acts. Love notes. Flowers. Unexpected gifts. And, a wife needs love even when she doesn't deserve it. Like, during PMS! She may be acting like a shrew, but what she needs is for her husband to look past her grumpiness and love her for how he knows she can act. Don't you want a husband who will love you even when you are irritated and hard to live with, when you least deserve it?

The quickest path to having a husband who will help you is to give up your expectations to have a husbsand who will help you! Stop worrying about the house! Focus on that man you love, and give him some TLC. Sit down with him and watch TV with him. (Fix some popcorn, first.) Do it because you want to. When he does wash dishes, go join him in the kitchen and help and talk. And tell him that you are helping him because you like to spend time with him (because you think he's cool!)

Another bit of advice: Whatever you do, do it cheerfully. So, therefore, if you can't do it cheerfully, don't do it. Resentment will give your son memories of a resentful mother, tear up your relationship with your husband, and make you physically sick. It's bad stuff. When you start feeling that resentment rise up in you, use that as a sign that you probably need a break. Go take a bubble bath, or a brisk walk. Play a game with your son, or write a love note and put it under your husband's pillow. Think about when you used to dream of being a wife and mother. What kind of things did you always dream of? Being the kind of wife and mother who is bitter, or being the kind of wife and mother who is fun and kind and unselfish? If you don't feel like being fun and kind and unselfish, use your acting skills and act like you are. Pretty soon you really will be!

I have been married for 32 years. When we were almost married 20 years, I was mad, mad, mad, at my husband for not doing the things I thought he ought to do. And I had a great case: I could have easily proven to a jury of wives that he was guilty! What could I do about it? Divorce? I knew that was a losing decision. Stay mad? I was tired of being mad. Change my husband? I knew from experience - the only person I could change was me. So, I chose to just give up my expectations and love my husband just like he was. By an act of my will I chose to look up to him. To respect him. To change myself to be what he needed. Bit by bit, changes happened. Yes, bit by bit, year by year, my husband has changed and changed and changed, until now - well, you just would not believe how he loves me, serves me, looks for ways to please me. We truly are best friends. I consider myself a blessed woman. But the surprising change was in what I began to see about my husband. Somewhere along the way I began to realize that I already had a wonderful husband, even before he changed. When I stopped focusing on what he wasn't doing, my eyes were opened to the wonderful husband that I already had. And I still have "no expectations" of my husband.

As you can see, I love to encourage women who are in your situation. I truly do know how hard it is. I truly do know how frustrating it is. And I truly do know what a losing battle it is. I encourage you - don't let this go on for 20 years like I did. Change your strategy. Life will be much more enjoyable. Now, get out of your corner, and go over to his corner, and say, "Let's wrestle - and I'll let you win!" You'll both win!

I wrote more about this subject in other posts. I hope you'll give these ideas some consideration.

Love,
J.

O.K. I totally feel your pain. I was single till I turned 34. Many years of having a clean house : )
Then, when I married, I was always mad at him because I was doing all the cleaning.
Marriage counsling costs 90 bucks... a maid 75.
Now I am no longer mad at my husband over who is cleaning the toilet because neither of us are.
Even when I stayed home with the babies, we kept out house keeper. Trust me, its money well spent.
Good luck!

Been there done that; sometimes it stems from something more deeper than just house cleaning; give thanks for the dirty dishes that means you have food. (use paper plates til you was the others); dirty laudery count them all as joy that you family is active and loving the clothes you give them. give thanks that they are not hospital gowns. that we live in a country that has water to wash clothes. start with you! take care of you make a plan start with the heart "kitchen" clean like your being paid for it. you see i am in the "business" house cleaning not house keeping there is a difference. my daughter has the same problem as you. she is also pregnant with her third child. after you take care of your heart turn to the brain the living room or famiy room then the eyes your bedroom then the lower extremities the bathroom your hands the intries and the feet the exit door don't turn on the TV mabe only music last last thing and each one takes a whole day is the memory part where you store things like the closets of garage. all the time take it with joy give joy use every area as your time to grow closer to God. don't do projects just clean/dust no projects. let me know how it works for you.

M.,

It is not clear whether you have been married before, or not. If not, I can assure you that housekeeping will NEVER be the same as living alone, or with a small child, where YOU are solely in charge. Perhaps what you are experiencing is more common to people who are older and have lived "on their own." I am 54 and have been married twice. I was divorced for 6 years between marriages and during that period, I had an unbelievably beautiful home. I really hate to say this, but it is honest and I think you need to hear it. During both marriages, my house did not even approach the order and cleanliness that I enjoyed when I lived alone.

I am the first to admit, the men in my life have not been the complete cause for the decline in my home (just contributing factors). The difference is for a couple of reasons: (1) more people create more clutter and, the most important reason, (2) whether I did so conscientiously or not, I now CHOOSE to spend my time on different things, like "relationship building." I have decided this is a GOOD thing. The people in my life are infinitely more important that all of the neatness and sterility of a "Home Beautiful" environment. So, I looked at the tradeoff. Would I prefer a perfect house instead of a partner, lover and friend. No. So, I did lower my standards in some ways. Have they gone too low at times? Yes, I would have been mortified at times if we had drop-in visitors. The strange thing is, my husband would have felt the same way.

It is really fascinating for me to evaluate my husband's "standards." He values order and neatness - and I actually think he did BETTER living on his own than in living with me. I have determined that he is able to clean up his own messes, when they are not added-to by mine, and vise-versa. It seems to me that he doesn't really know HOW to achieve order when I live in the house, too. Even though I encourage it and praise him when he organizes or cleans something, he is very tentative about tackling a cleaning project on his own. He says he "does not know where I keep things" (like cleaning supplies). I cannot imagine that this is possible, but I genuinely do not believe he is misrepresenting his feelings. It is an enigma!

I have discovered that my husband enjoys doing tasks WITH me, and not alone. I have found that he is generally very willing to help, IF I ask. And he likes to help with folding sheets or making the bed. I simply have not found the right formula to trigger ME into knowing what to ask for that are other "team activities." So, for now much of the organization & order is now up to me. Somehow, I always manage to periodically rally and make a big dent in the cleaning and it looks pretty good for another period of time.

You say that your husband says you are a "slave driver." So, I just caution you to listen to your requests and be careful about HOW you ask for his help. I think there are successful ways, that maintain harmony and then there are (perhaps intentionally) demanding ways, which only create disharmony. I know many people will disagree with me, but no matter how messy it gets, I just feel it is it is better to have a happy home than a clean one.

I do not have an answer to your question of how to get your husband to help with housekeeping. Perhaps you can find out if there ARE task that he enjoys doing WITH you. Then, perhaps you can both schedule some "Saturday" time to clean together, so that neither of you is coming home after work to face a list of additional tasks. Rotate the areas you clean on a weekly basis (one week the master bedroom; next week the children's areas; every week, the den or primary living area; etc.) Perhaps also, just choose one night a week to tackle certain things, like, on "trash night" also have him clean the toilets while you vacuum one room. I believe it is easier to get children trained to help around the house if you set "expectations" for them to straighten their rooms, keep their toys picked up in common areas, etc. when they are very young.

I just thought you might like to know that you are not alone - and I am very sympathetic because you are pregnant! No doubt, that makes the clutter seem even worse. You are all in my prayers. :)

Blessings,
K.

You think you married a wonderful man? What you married is a lazy, immature, inconsiderate slob who doesn't care about anything but his own comfort. If he cared anything about the house, he'ed not be so messy and would be willing to accept some of the responsibility of keeping it clean. Two hours to straighten the llving room? What does that 7 year old do, sit around and watch TV? He is old enough to have responsibilities. Why wash three loads of clothes at once when you can do one load a day and get it out of the way? That's understandable if you don't have a washer and dryer and have to go to a laundramat, but if you have equipment at home, put it in and wash and dry and teach the 7 year old to fold and put away, at least his things anyway. I've been married for over 50 years and raised four children, three of whom are males, and what you've described is rediculas. Show some guts, girl, make some rules and advise the males in the household that the picnic is over and they'ed better get with the program. As long as you let that man run over you, believe me, HE WILL, and that is not a good example to set for your son or the one on the way.
Good Luck. By the way...what does his parents house look like? Maybe he came from a situation where housework and cooking was considered "woman's work" and it was "sissyfied" for a male to do it. If this is the case, advise him that this is the 21st century and things have changed. Or maybe his mother ruled with a heavy hand and his father was a little henpecked and he doesn't want to appear that way. Check it out, but stick to your guns.

Hi M.,
Been there,it is very hard to try to keep a house in order when your the only one doing it and w/a young child and one on the way.Thank God my children are older know and they have chores to do.
My suggestion is if you can afford to live on one income and willing to live the life style and cut back on luxurys that two incomes provide, to have that peace of mind, then do it.
You also have to consider w/ that new baby comming their is going to be more KAOS in trying to keep things clean and being able to keep things in order if your still the only one doing house work.Think about your sanity and how it affects your children and you.
Its okay to want to have nice things and want to go here and there,but if you decide and can stay home, live w/in your means.Put a budget in place for your family and have the sanity we all deserve to have to live a HAPPY life and make our surrondings pleasant.Besides your going to be a new mommy and you need that sanity and there is nothing like having a clean home for you and your family and let you husband know that if this is what you want how much of an impact it's having on you and w/the new baby you need to have that sound peace of mind to raise a healthy family.Also throw in how nice the house is going to be when he gets home from his hard day at work and the energy your going to have to devote yourself to him and the kids.I hope everything works out for you.I'd like to know what your outcome is and what decisions you together were able to come to.Good-Luck

Sit down with your husband and tell him you feel tired and overwhelmed dealing with a messy house while pregnant and working. Tell him you need his help to brainstorm ideas to fix the situation.

Also your 7 year old is old enough to help with chores such as laundry. If your husband will back you up you could set a rule like no tv unless the living room is clean (that's what I tell my kindergartner and it usually motivates him to pick up his torys).

I also recommend using paper plates, and going on a laundry strike (or only washing your clothes). Anytime your husband does housework praise the heck out of him or tell him he looks sexy. ;)

Welcome to the real world. It's difficult to live with others who don't pick up after themselves or won't help out. I have to say it.....It gets worse with kids around. Don't be a neat freak or you will drive yourself (and everyone else) crazy.

It's nuts around our house with three kids and a husband who thinks it's not his job to help out around the house. He use to help out, but overnight his way of thinking changed. I'd like to know who he has been talking to!

I just do the basic necessities...laundry, cooking, dishes. That's it! I have a housekeeper who comes every two weeks and does the cleaning. I get stuff picked up the night before she arrives. My rule is: if I find a toy/game piece etc on the floor, I throw it away. I refuse to sound like a nag to get everyone to pick up, so I just throw it away. This is helping the clutter factor.

My mom is a person who really gets into her housework, but as for me, I cannot stand it. Maybe for some people it's therapeutic.

Sorry if I have not helped you out here. I hope you find what works in your home. Blessings!

Check out this website: www.flylady.net. It's helped me a lot with housekeeping.

Depending how bad you really want your husband's help will determine how well you understand the following advice.

STOP DOING IT!!! That message has been taught to me and others by a local family therapist. The family members will eventually get tired of it - the mess - and start helping out. Stop nagging, stop cleaning, etc.

Your 7 yr old is old enough to do some things around the house. Does he know what he is responsible for? If not, make a list - either written or pictures - and post it for him.

Make sure he does his hygiene - bath, brush teeth, etc, but do NOT gather his dirty clothes. You may wash and dry the clothes on your schedule, but don't fold or put them away. I don't. Get a different colored basket for each person. If you MUST put things on hangers to avoid wrinkles, do it, but don't put them away. ONLY do your clothes. This goes for your husband as well. Do not gather his clothes or put away his clothes.

Let the dishes pile up. Eat cold cereal once in a while if you have to b/c there aren't clean dishes to use to cook or eat. Don't order out to avoid the mess another night. Work around the mess.

Don't nag about any of the mess. So what if you have to climb over stuff to get into bed. So what ifyou have to move things to sit on the couch. Move it, but don't clean it.

When and if your husband helps, then you can help too - but not until. If he stops - you stop. Make sure to positively reinforce your son for his chores and helping out, but don't nag him when they aren't done.

Good luck! God Bless and congrats on the baby!

check out,http://www.flylady.net/

See if that helps all of ya'll.

A.

First, stop nagging your husband. it will not change him and only cause more tension in the home. Teach your son age appropriate chores as you are doing. The house doesn't have to be perfect and it wont be with you working full time. spend some relaxing time with your husband before you start to clean, this will let you rest a little before you start your second job.(of housecleaning) Do what you can and hopefully he will get the idea and pitch in. Give it some time. When you have spent some quality time with him have a quiet,calm discussion with him about how you could use some help, then let it go. Behaving badly, not doing his laundry etc, is the kind of little things that can lead you down the road to divorce. Its not worth it. Hopefully he will catch on if he is any kind of a decent guy. Just do the best you can for now. Maybe you can consider a one time cleaning service and then you can work on just keeping it in order, you can get a routine where you work on a room, or certain chores each day to keep the house up. I do know a reasonable and trustworthy housekeeper, if you are interested let me know. i am not sure if i should put that on here.

I can tell you that it bothers you more than it bothers him. The stress from having a messy house (and the embarassment like you say) is more of a stress on your body than the actual upkeep. What you need is a perspective change. Don't nag - that never works. Don't keep score of who does what - that just leads to resentment when someone falls short. Keep a positive attitude. Tackle it a step at a time. 15 minutes at a time and with a positive attitude. If you're cleaning that long and it doesn't make a dent - you have too much stuff! Declutter and discard asap! I'm talking big garbage bags full of junk here! Get it out! FlyLady.net is a great resource. They provide not only time-tackling strategies, but also the positive you can do it attitude that you need. What it sounds like your family could use a little routine adjustment that includes cleanup and picking up after yourselves DAILY! That does include each member of the family. Good luck sweety!

Hmmm, your house does not have to be perfect, but it sounds like it is getting harder and harder to get around if you are stepping on stuff. Be sure to tell your family that things are going to change tonight.

First of all do not do your husbands laundry anymore. Let him know you can no longer handle all of the loads so you will do your clothes and the newborn clothes when that child arrives. Begin teaching your son how to do his laundry. Also your husband and son can fold their clothes while watching TV. If your husband does not put his clothes away, place them on his side of the bed.

Purchase packing boxes or pick up liquer boxes from your local liquer store. The stuff left around the house and not put away within 2 days, put them in the boxes and begin stacking them in the garage This includes everything... clothing, shoes, books, magazines, sports equipment, electronics etc. After a week if they are not emptied where they belong in the house. Donate them to Goodwill and save the receipts for your taxes. They are donations so you can deduct them.

Teach the 7 year old how to load the dishwasher. No dishwasher? Teach your son how to wash the non breakable items and you wash the breakables. Feed your husband on paper plates, plastic ware and an old plastic cup.

Your 7 year old should be in charge of cleaning one bathroom once a week. In the beginning teach him how you want it to be done. Your son can wash the tub and shower really well one night before his bath, that way he will already be wet, he can just rinse it out and then take his bath.

Your son can make his own bed. Teach him how (does not have to be perfect)and then lead him to the washing machine to wash them right away.

Your son can watch TV after he has helped you wash the dishes.

You are a family. Each member has a responsibility to keep a clean house. Everyone is tired. Everyone needs down time. It is NOT YOUR responsibility to do it all. Accept no excuses, you deserve better than this.

((hugs)) I know how you feel! Right after we got married I was pregnant AND working and when I came home from work I didn't even eat, I just CRAWLED up the stairs and went to bed. The housework continued to pile up and when I went into the hospital in preterm labor nothing at all was done at home. After a month I had a c-section, two more weeks at the hospital while the baby was in the NICU, and when I came home I was recovering from surgery and had a very high needs baby to care for.

long story short, when we moved out of the apt three months later it looked condemnable and the bathtub was BLACK. YUCK!

You're going to have to do something. a friend of mine got rid of the tvs! You could make a list of family chores and tell hubby that the tv must not come on until they are done. If he doesn't do them then his son will do them and he'll have to sit on his rear and watch the child do HIS chores. Then who'd be the slave driver?!

I do regret not being more forceful because now I am pregnant with #5 (the oldest is 5) and the house is STILL a wreck (but the bathtub isn't black. heh that was because I couldn't physically clean it.)

Hi M., this is soooo funny to me because i am going through the same thing! I think all these ladies are. And i am finding myself reading advice givin to you! I am at my end too. I just don't know what to do and yeah i don't think we should have to pay anyone to come and clean our mess! I feel like i do my part but i get nnoooo help from him. I think you should really have a sit down talk with him instead of yelling when your fed up, like i do. This week there will be a sit down talk with my husband, because he says he's going to help, but he never gets off his but! So just talk not yell and if that doesn't work, then girl, well i know what i'm going to do! Lol.

I would suggest calling up 3 or 4 of your closer friends and/or family members for a "community work day" just to help you get over the hump. Once you get the bulk of it cleaned up it should just be a matter of maintenance (but you have to commit to that!)Don't be afraid to say "Hey, I am feeling overwhelmed right now and I need help!" Your loved ones will be glad for the opportunity to help out and you can make a fun day out of it together. Best of luck!
-D.

good luck to you! i just went through the exact same thing. newly married - step daughter included. my husband thinks if he goes to work that is enough. i worked fulltime up until i had my baby, then came home to clean, help with schoolwork, grocery shop, pay bills, etc. - I even mow our 3/4 acre yard with a push mower. I even weeded my flower bed two hours before headng to the hospital to deliver. all i can say is to keep asking for help - i write letters sometime, that helps. i also throw alot away - ex. - all the little stuff that accumalates on my kitchen counter - snuff cans, hair barrettes, small toys, etc. i fiqure i am not maid - and if things gets left out to get misplaced or stepped on - they will learn. Another thing - all loose $$$$ found is mine -that gives me incentive to clean and do laundry! Take care of youself and that baby!

I can't answer your real question but I will tell you that you better afford a housekeeper now or else. The housekeeper will add an expense but as the problem worsens you will be spending far more eating out. The eating out will be a must because the kitchen is unusable. You will be out of the house to dine which takes time away from cleaning or you will fast food it and your health and temperament will pay. The unorganized home will waste your time because you can't get ready efficiently or find anything you need. You will buy things more than once cause you can't find the one you know you have somewhere. Emmotionally the house will not be your home because of the piles and trails. Visually it is depressing and there will be no relaxing when you come home because of the visual stress. Just wait until something in your house needs to be repaired and you can't because you don't want the repairman to see your house. Sound familiar? I am where you are plus 6 years and if we weren't so in love we would probably be divorced. In our situation the fault is slightly more mine. We are barely starting to dig our way out and it is not fun. It takes immense time and effort for the work to be barely noticable and it reverts back easily if not careful. Oh, and by the way, your kids can't have sleepovers either.
So please hire someone now if only for 2-4 hours per week. It will save you in the long run. And when you cook make too much and freeze for quick meals. It will save you lots of time on super busy days and save money as well.
I will think of you and pray for us both when I am cleaning.
God Bless

Toss, Toss, Toss. Start there. If you don't absoultely need it throw it away or give it away. Paper plates are a good alternative. Get the inexpensive ones and some of the picnic basket holders. Baskets in each room for dirty clothes. Spotless houses for us full time working moms with children at home (especially the one we are married too) does become overwhelming. After bathes the towel and wash clothes go to the washer immediately. Make small changes and don't worry so much about it. One pot meals or crock pot meals also help cut down on dishes. While you are cooking run a sink full of hot soapy water. Put things in the sink as you go. If he does not want to help, thats ok. See how many nights he likes sandwiches for dinner...My Mom always had a saying about keeping your house clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy. Every one has to pitch in because it just works that way. If your son does not want to help and keep his room clean. Close the door. When if gets to the point you can't walk in there. Tell him he has two optionis Mom clean with a roll of trash bags and everything on the floor goes out or he can help and make decisions together. After that he can start to clean a little more by himself. Just because you pick it up and put it in a trash does not mean you are actually throwing it away. But he does not necessarily need to know that. As his part of the household chores start to being kept done things can be returned. Try a chart on the wall for the little one with stars and each chart can be a trip to a treat for a job well done. As far as the hubby goes that is the tough one. Tell him that you will wash and dry but as long as he is sitting on the sofa watching tv he can fold and then put them away during commercial. I hope this helps because I have a husband that does not like to help with the housework either. I wish you the best.

M.,
at this point you can't afford NOT to hire someone to help..at least until you get a handle on the house and can get organized and get a chore chart together. There are usually some Mexican families who need extra work and will clean for $40 per day. Maybe doing this on a Saturday or two would be a good idea. It does sound like there are some organization issues with the clutter. What I do when I get things out of control is to get a box or laundry basket and rake stuff off counter tops into the box. Throw away everything you don't HAVE to keep. Make a pile for donation, a pile for filing paperwork, etc. Once you can see counters/dressers, things look so much more managable. Keep the baskets around so when hubby stuff starts collecting around the house or room, you can chuck it in his basket and put it in his room for HIM to put away. Do this for your son too. One major problem is that you can't get to deep cleaning when you are fighting all the clutter. Also make a Saturday morning chore list. Your son depending on his age can vacuum and dust. You can clean the bathrooms and start the wash and hubby can change bedsheets and fold laundry into three piles for each of you to put away. In our house it is the folding and putting away dry clothes that hold up the process. One way to minimize the hassle is to get a plastic bin for each person and just separate the clean laundry into the three bins. That way it is each persons' responsibility to fold and put away their own laundry. Also separate dish duty between you. If it is hubby's night, offer a free pass once a week that he can use if he doesn't feel like doing them, but you get a free pass too. Most people have a dish washer these days so assuming that you do, make it a rule that whenever someone is finished with a glass or dish, it goes right into the dishwasher and not in the sink. If you cook, try to clean ip as you go. Or make a rule that if you cook, the other person cleans up. It sounds like your husband is being petty and childish to order out instead of doing dishes. Treat him like a teenager and let him "pick" the chores he will be responsible for. If the chore list just won't work, tell him that he will have to forgo eating out to pay for a cleaning person. By the way you both work and need some "down time" at home to spend with your son. ..you will have to share the responsibilities equally, or give it all to someone else. Good luck, God bless.

If you both work do you have the funds to have someone come in even one time every two weeks. Check out the funds and prices for this service. Then let husband know how much it would be. I did this and my husbands words were over my -------- dead body will I pay that much for the work I can do. It worked. At least to a point.

Sit down with your son and husband and tell them how you are feeling. Say, "I am very frustrated that OUR house is not getting cleaned and OUR laundry is piling up. What do you guys think WE can do about this?" Let your husband know that you are so thankful that he is such a hard working man and you understand that he is tired when he comes home at night. Explain to him that you are also tired and nervous/anxious about getting everything done when the new baby gets here. Put a chore list together (with your husband and son) that includes EVERYONE and post it in a high traffic area of the house. Fight the urge to do the other persons chores...I know that is extremely hard!!! If your husband doesn't have clean underwear b/c he didn't do his laundry then that is his fault. I would however, remind (and remind again) your son until he gets the picture that he needs to help around the house and be responsible for his part in the cleaning.

I went through something similar with my dear hubby. His mom and then his ex-wife used to do everything for him. He was "trained" to not help. He responded well when he ran out of clean underwear and socks. Going on a dish strike effects you too so that's not going to help but a laundry strike can. Just do yours and the house hold stuff like towels or even cut down to doing only half of those. If he doesn't want to share in the duties than you don't have to do his share and he can ware dirty clothes. Its a small way to start but it will help. And don't give in no matter how cute they are. We love our dear messes but they need to learn their not bachelors any more and sometimes tough love is the only way to go. I hate to say it but some are like grown up children (not all, some are normal adults to be fair to those men who act like men) and have to be treated like it. If your child was ignoring what you were telling them, and reasoning doesn't work first, then you have to take away what is involving them so much they ignore you. In this case you've tried to reason with your hubby and it didn't work, he turned it around and blamed you ("slave driver") You need to take away your laundry services for him and drive the point home a little. And don't give in after he does the first round of his own laundry. Keep it up for awhile till he gets into the habit. If he's anything like my man he will want praise for doing the laundry. Give that to him but don't think he's learned anything until he's had more practice and goes through the "complaint" stage. You'll know what I mean when he gets there. After he gets through that and is still doing his laundry then you can offer to help him with it a little but not let him quit all together.

It's a battle and I've been through it. Now my dear man does dishes, not the best job but its enough to say he cares and wants to help. He does the sheets and towels but will ask about other laundry before doing it. (He was shrinking my clothes so I had to put a stop to him doing my laundry). He will even vacuums if I ask him to. If there is a bunch of stuff to get done I'll leave a "honey do" list for him. It used to irritate me because he would wait till the last minute to do what I asked him to but I realized that he will always get the jobs done, just on his own time, so I had to let that one go and relax about it.

The trick is to ask, remind, even leave notes but avoid talking to them like children. They don't like that even if they are acting like kids.

Good luck!

good luck and hang in there

Nothing is worth stress, especially when you are pregnant. I think you are expecting way too much of yourself (and obviously you are trying to change him and that might be a losing battle).

My suggestion so you can get your sanity back is hire someone weekly. You work full time and that is already taking away your energy and focus from peaceful family time - enough that housework doesnt' need to! Sacrifice the money and find it in your budget. It is worth mommy being happy and spending more enjoyable time with her husband and kiddos than cleaning. Remember, they grow up so fast and need their mommy and daddy to be joyful...even if in a bit of a mess. :)

Whew girl, been there done that!! I know you don't want to put too much on your son but here's a good little change you can do to help! Find a close friend(or 2) to come over one weekend and get it under control, thats what friends are for!
Rotate dishes with your son and your husband, but you help each of them. I refused to do laundry in the floor, hence, put in basket, it will get done! Your son is already by the floor in size, show him how to separate the laundry and have fun doing it, make it a game, even with picking the laundry up. Have your son and husband trade weeks on the trash and the toilet. They get a little neater when they have to clean it up!! Before you go to bed EVERY night, everyone put your things away, leave the front room and kitchen clean to wake up to!

Hope this helps!!!

You probably won't change your hubby, but the best thing I learned was that everything must have a place - if not, it must go or something else must go to make room. Once that is established it is soooo much easier to keep things in order. Try and establish a routine. Every Monday do your bedding, every other Sunday dust, etc....whatever works for you, and try to stick to it. Have a hamper where your hubby takes off his clothes, a basket for shoes, etc. Even if you have to pick it up (which unfortunately will probably be the case), you have a place to put it to keep order. Spend a few bucks on hampers, baskets, hooks, extra shelving, etc. Just remember...everything has a place or goes!

M.
I understand what you are going through...sorry you feel so down. I will have to say you need help!!! You need to get a cleaning lady and have her take care of of your house. I know it seems like you can a fford her, thats what I thought, all I did was , not do my nails for a month or so, not buy certaoin things I thought twere necessary, and I got my $70 for my lady. It was the best decision!!!! She comes once a month, and helps with bathrooms, kitchen and laundry.
Good luck, you just need to be creative with your money spent!!

Just want to wish you luck and let you know you are not alone!

I'm all about the hired help these days to help us...that and a serious sit down talk with my husband every now and then goes further than nagging.

Good luck!

You have had some wonderful advice. One more idea...Call the Salvation Army for a pick-up of items that you are no longer using. Make this a priority. You can clean all day, but if you don't get rid of stuff, than you are just rearranging the stuff. You can get inexpensive baskets at World Market. Begin with a small task such as organizing a kitchen drawer. Start a new routine and have everyone clear their plate from the table and put their own plate in the dishwasher. Show your 7 year old son how to run the washing machine and dishwasher. My 3 YO son can turn on both (with supervision). If you can't afford a housekeeper on a regular basis, consider hiring one periodically (before a holiday, or quarterly. It is dysfunctional to live in an environment that you describe. It is also depressing. Be positive and initiate new routines and organization. Start a chore chart for your son-- 4-5 tasks that he can do, such as making his bed everyday, feeding the dog, clearing his plate, putting laundry away, etc. It is part of being a family member to pitch in around the house. My husband gets more involved when I start asking about his stuff (whether we still wears this shirt or not or do you still use this?) It will take time to get your house back, but be consistent and tenacious and you will see progress. Good Luck!