Classmate & Friend Issues

Hi M.!

When my boys were the same age ( they are 2.5 years apart), we already had this conversation - but its not too late for you. Here's what I did.

I sat down with them separately and told them that everything they are going through is new to me, and I don't know how I'm going to handle things. There are going to be situations I don't like, there may be times that I need to snoop, or ask REALLY personal questions or other things I haven't thought of yet. AND>> Until I'm okay with this whole teenage, growing up thing, you're going to just have to deal with me and my phobias and be nice to me and do what I need them to do until I am ok, and I promise to let you know as soon as I am, and I promise it won't last forever.

This worked so well for me. We went through friends, girls, dating, jobs, college life and more. My boys talk to me about everything because I never freaked out (in front of them!!), NO SURPRISES and boy, am I happy! They are 20 and almost 18. They think I'm a freak and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck.

M. I know this sounds harsh but I remember what my parents did when we had issues like this, they let us fall on our face and picked up the peices later, I would never see what my parents were talking about when they said they person isn't good for you, etc. And when i finally did we talked it over and I had a better perspective on what to look for in people. My parents ALWAYS talked to me about my friends. Now I can see it in my sister's and Brother friends that they aren't able to see. I know it's hard but sometimes you have to make a mistake to see the error.

Liz

The more you try to control, the less you can. You need to try your hardest to be their FRIEND right now and bust the lines of communication WIDE open. IF you can get them to communicate with you about their lives, you'll be steps ahead of the game. Otherwise, you can count on being clueless about what's going on in their world for at least the next 5 yrs. You might absolutely hate what they go through and who they go through it with, but that's part of growing up. Trust in how you raised them because at this point they are making the descisions in their day to day life- not you.

As long as no potentially dangerous behavior is going on you have to allow your sons to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons about people. You can talk to them about your concerns, but ultimately they choose their friends. And you are correct, you have very little control over what happens at school. As your sons get older you will find you have less and less control over most of their lives. You have to keep the lines of communication open and hope that they have learned to make good decisions.

That's part of growing up. You're going to have to trust that you have been raising those boys with the kind of values and morals that you think is right. They will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. You will disappoint them. Hopefully they will take these situations when they're young and learn from them so they don't have to make them again when they get older and out from under your roof.
You can control who is allowed to come into your home. You can try and control where they are allowed to go. Express your wishes, but they're growing up. If you don't want them at that person's home, tell them so and have a set consequence if you find out otherwise. Have the time they can spend with that particular person limited to only when they are at school or an after school function.
You said they are very good kids. Trust them. If you still have concerns, talk to them about it. Be gentle or they won't want to tell you anything.
As far as girls go... these young "relationships" are about them learning about themselves more than it is about them learning about the other person or forming any real bond. You want them to figure out what they like in the opposite gender before they get old and make bigger mistakes with the wrong ones. If the only place they're seeing each other is in a group setting, there is no harm.
But you can set limits on the amount of texts and calls and how much time they spend on the computer emailing.

Hi, my husband and I feel the same way and what we do is try our best to replace what we want to take away! Meaning that when we want our son to stop associating with certain kids we try to replace them with other playmates, like taking them over another kids house more or meeting with a play group that we feel more comfprtable with. For most young kids it's not a specific person that they don't want to give up but just the friendly association period so if you can find kids that you approve of for him to connect with that should make it easier for him to let go of the 'bad' ones!

Boy do I wish I had answers for you. I will be in your position sooner than I would like :) I have three boys, but they are young right now and I wish I could keep them that way. The only thing I can give you in the way of advice, is that you should know kids aren't dumb. Most times they know that they are being used and if they are allowing it, it might be because they also have an underlying motive. You can never tell unless you talk about it with them. But I would only talk with them about it if you think they will truly listen. Otherwise they may come to see you as always saying "i told you so".
If I were you, and one of your boys gets hurt or upset about something that happened, use that time to explain that some people don't have the same morals and values etc etc. which is why we have to be smart when we pick who we are going to trust. It's such a hard lesson to learn when they are that age. I hated high school for this reason. But I didn't have anyone who would tell me or let me talk with them about what I was going through. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. And please know, you aren't the only ones going through this. Just do the best you can! :)

M., Kids can be blind to others using them for their own gain and other times they let it happen just to "fit in" or be accepted. Maybe sit down with them and share with them your concerns and let them know that there are people out there just to take advantage of them and really are not their friends. I am dealing with a 16 year old who will let anyone lead him down a path just to go along with the crowd. He has had to learn the hard way that some people are not his friends and never was, but I think that pain was a good thing to help open his eyes. I hope this has helped some.

Hi M.,

You said your sons were good kids. I guess that definition is relative. Are they obedient? Does that mean they trust you? Do they understand your role as a parent?

My point is I was a kid that was taken advantage of ALL the time. I was also a kid that had no parental supervision in my friendships. I wish my mom or dad had just told me not to spend time with some of these kids. (It would have made my life so much simpler.) I would have trusted my parents! AND it would have helped me to discern the ones I should have trusted! Those things go along way in adulthood....

Hope this helps and God bless you!

M.

I jsut read all the advice. I LOVE it. There is so much to choose from. You can listen to whomever you like, but honestly the best person to listen to is you.

In your head there are no answers and in your heart there are no questions.

You know in your heart what is best, your children will elarn from you.

DO NOT BE THEIR FRIEND, be their parent. Allow them to make mistakes, allow them to be taken advantage of, allow them to be hurt, allow them to grow.

You at the same time will grow and then you will know what to do.

By the way, I taught junior/seior high for 10 years, I know a little bit about this kind of stuff.

Just let them grow and let them know that you will be there if they need you.

B., B.A.;B.Ed.
Family Health and Wellness Coach

I don't know anything about teenage boys, but when I was a teenage girl myself, if my parents had told me outright that I couldn't do something or see someone, I would sneak and do it behind their backs. But for the most part, my mom talked with me about things and then trusted me to make good choices. Seems like the only thing you can do is build a trusting relationship with open communication and hope for the best!! EEKK!! Now you've got me scared of what my future holds!!

Two boys, 12 and 15 and "girls that want to text: email and calling your kids?" Your statement made no sense. Have you ever heard of keeping your child from something or someone? That is what they attract. Think about this: Always make other children feel as if they are valuable and worthy. You know, YOUR OWN. Beyond belief, Times have changed GIRLS/Women are the aggressors now and
and it ain't pretty HOWEVER, train up a child in the manner they should go and Yes they will stray (didn't YOU!) but they will return to the natural order of things. Keep a strong EYE on your children but you must relax around them and BUILD trust.

This is how I am tackling it: get involved. Go out with your kids, invite their friends (yes, even this one) to your home, but BE THERE. Kids say they do not want you around, but when you are not, then they wish you would. My mother was very involved in my life and my relationships, and the moment she did not want me seeing someone or befriending someone else, I did it; often to my own dissapointment. I expect my kids to do the same. It is part of growing up. What being involved does, is to let your child know that although you do not approve of certain things and behaviors, you are a loving, tolerant and concerned human being who is willing to give people a second chance. My child is older now, and it only takes him a couple of "incidents" to realize whether being friends with someone is on his own interest or not. While I might give him my opinion (when asked) I let him realize this on his own. I have volunteered to take my child and friends to school outings, movies, parties, etc EVERY CHANCE I GET, but I do not become his shadow. If the other kid knows you are watching closely, he/she will be less inclined to take advantage of yours.
As far as texting, that's what they do. Your kids are no different than any others. You say they are good students, so obviously this is not interfering with their school work. Regardless of how much texting and calling they do, with your guidance, love, support and tolerance they will grow up to be decent human beings. And in a few years, they will HATE texting (do the words "Blackberry from work beeping" mean anything to you? They do to me!)
Relax...

M.,

First of all, communicate communicate communicate!!! You and your dh need to first sit down together and go over what you believe are realistic boundaries for your sons. Also, age factors (such as are they too young to be "going out" with anyone - my son was 16-17 before he was allowed to date). Next, you have to sit down with your sons and communicate to them what your boundaries are and what they are allowed to do. Then, the hard part, STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! You have to have clear rules that everyone understands.Then, state the consequences for breaking those rules. One rule may be that those they hang out with or go out with must pass a test, such as they don't get into trouble on a regular basis, they have to spend (blank) amount of time in your home with you around before they can go out together, or you have to get to know their family first. Just some examples. My son is now 20 years old and although he tried to fight the rules at the time, today he is so grateful that we set appropriate boundaries for him, it actually gave him a way out of many situations that he would have been sorry for. Even when they try to rebel against the boundaries, they will be glad that you cared enough to set them and stick to them. God Bless You!

at 12 and 15 your Biys know about sex, drugs andcrime. They want to be in the incrowd Welcome to the teen years. Sit the boys down and explane to them the problem. Why you dis like this kid. If the kid is into really bad stuff tell your boys what could happen to him and them if caught. Talk to the kid's parents
I told my 2 if ever they got into any situation and needed a wayout or a ride;call me I come get them no questions asked.
They had an eta and a call after that and all I want to know are you ok need me? My son only broke the rule once. He was friends with tthe kid whose dad own the dalphin show and was ivited to go play with them. I understood forgave him but was very mad that He didn't call me to join them..My son is an Eagle Scout and an USAF Capt. working with nukes My daughter is a dancer, drama and BS in Physics and Math from an Honors college with scholarships.
Explain why you say no and kids will accept it better and learn when they should say no.

Dear M., i wish i could resolve that problem for you, but you know something once they hit the outside world, they get confuse because of what other kids try to put in their heads, it always begins at shcool, the best thing we can do is continuing be a good parent and pray, that they are not influence by these kids, beside u say they are goods kids, thats a good sign,most kids i know now adays are totally out of control...........I have a 16 yr.old daughter, but next time i will tell you what happening to her since she started school.
C. V