Should We Follow Through?

I wouldn't make her quit her job unless things continue. I would make it clear to both that outside of immediate work related interactions AT work, they are to have no contact or you will make her quit.

The one thing I want to point out is that forbidding things just make them all the more tempting AND gives her reason to sneak.

As the mom to three teens here's my two cents.
You can NOT discipline her the same way you did when she was a child. She may still be a minor, but physically/sexually she is basically an adult. I'm pretty sure the age of consent in most states is 17, in some states it's lower. So while you might not like or approve of her dating a guy four years older than she is, she WILL find a way to do it if she wants to.
Overreacting and taking everything away from her is probably going to have the opposite effect of what you want. She will go out of her way to hide more from you, sneak around and generally stop listening to your guidance and advice. She may even start blowing it at school just to show you that SHE'S in control of her life, not you.
This is a crucial point in her development, I STRONGLY encourage you to work with her and keep her on track, not drive a wedge that could destroy your relationship and cause her to make even worse, potentially life changing decisions going forward.

This is just one of the reasons I don't want my daughters working, particularly in service jobs, while they are minors.

I waitressed through HS/college and my parents would have been horrified at what I was exposed to. These were not pizza parlors but high end dinner places. What goes on in the back of the house in many restaurants is not G rated. Drugs, older guys, lots of cash at the end of the night is not the best environment for a teenage girl.

Your story has just reinforced my belief that focus on school, activities and a little babysitting for extra cash is what I want my kids doing. I don't have much advice for you at this point except it seems like you're on the right track. Just remember that kids do not have to have a real job in order to learn responsibility. My teen daughter's schedule rivals any adult's and she's gaining a ton of life skills. Being a teen ain't what it used to be.

I was this girl 20 years ago. I was attracted to older men and felt high school boys were lame. In their infinite wisdom my parents did not make a huge deal of it. They just sat firm ground rules. They had to meet him and go out to dinner with him before he was allowed to take me out on dates. Dates could only be once a week with a strict curfew. He soon lost interest in dating a little girl with such strict parents and I realized he was a loser. My parents knew he was below me and trusted me to figure it out. They raised a good kid..and I kept being a good kid. I didn't have to lie to them. I know that you already took a different path and understand where you were coming from. I would have rebelled. Hard. I think you should revisit your punishment and see if there is any place that she could earn back some privileges. She is not a child. She is a young adult.

Depending on where you live, it may not be illegal for a 21-year-old to date a 17-year-old. In Louisiana, the age of consent is 17.
Personally, I think you went a little overboard on your consequences, and you need to be adult enough to own that mistake, admit that you went over the top out of anger, and let her keep her job.

Im going to try to be gentle about this, but what exactly is the lesson you're trying to teach her?

She's 17, not 14. She's going to be free to make whatever choices she wants in less than a year. All you succeeded in doing by your super hard-line response of "cut all contact with this guy" is drive her closer to him. Your even harder response of punishment-loss of car, phone, forcing her to quit, contacting him-will only make this even more Romeo and Juliet, in addition to ruining her opportunity for a good job reference (colleges look at that). She will still find a way to contact this guy and you only force her to be sneaky about it instead of allowing her interest to burn out naturally, while still being able to keep communication open and offer guidance.

You can't control her every action or decision. You may think you can by enforcing these strict rules and punishments, but all you will actually achieve is to make her rebel even more.

If she was my daughter, I'd listen, be open, offer guidance, and respond appropriately to each situation as it arose.
Want to talk and text with this guy? Fine, but no more all night sessions or during school.
Want to go out with this guy? Public dates are fine, but no hanging at his house or apartment.
Want to bring him over here to hang out? GLADLY!!
As with any relationship, grades suffer then freedom is limited.
If you want her to handle this maturely, treat her like she is mature.

The only way to save this situation is a complete 180 in your position and attitude. Since I don't think that's going to happen, I simply wish you good luck.

I think you need to have a different conversation with her. Rather than talking about why this guy is bad for her and why she needs to stay away from him, why not talk to her about what a great gift she can give herself by not being in a relationship for awhile.

Did I hear you right? She stated dating the ex-boyfriend when she was 14? She's only 17 years old, and she's been in a 3 year relationship? This is someone who needs to learn about herself, needs to take time for herself and just be a teenager - no boyfriend. It will do her wonders!

Talk to her about what an empowering opportunity she has. She gets to have some time to learn about herself, what she's good at, what she wants out of life, what she might want to major in, etc. This is a good thing!

It's not too late to encourage her. Be her cheerleader!

ETA - I just read your SWH, and I sincerely apologize if you thought I was judging you. My comment about her previous relationship was not about how old she was when she dated the first boyfriend. I was merely pointing out that fact that she is very young, has been in a long relationship and needs to learn who she is as a person, who she is without a guy.

I didn't date in high school. Not because my parents told me I couldn't. I didn't date because no one ever asked me out. I was a wallflower, and I just had no confidence. But I was always jealous of the girls who always seemed to have a guy. Now I look back and realize that, in many ways, I was the lucky one, because I had that time to figure out who I was. I had time to be with my friends and gain the confidence I needed to know that I was a person whether I had a boyfriend or not. I'm not saying that you can't learn that if you're dating someone. I'm just saying that at that age, it can be very difficult for girls to be confident in themselves as they are, boyfriend or no boyfriend. Since she was in a long relationship, it would be very healthy for her to have some time to be single and just learn about herself.

ETA: I agree 100% with Missy F and she said it way more concisely than I did!

Original:
Oh boy honestly, I think you handled this all wrong. She's 17. I get it - my SD will be 17 in a few weeks and my oldest son is 16. I'm right where you are.

Here's the thing though - she'll be an adult in less than a year.

There is nothing illegal about a 17 year old and 21 year old dating.

By making him "the forbidden fruit" and pulling a "my way or the highway" on her, you're driving her to him. Sure, you can take away everything she has, and then what? How high to do raise the ante before you realize that this is destructive and insane?

Last spring, my son was dating a girl who was a year older than him and lives in another town. I wasn't terribly fond of her but I welcomed her into our house, tried to get to know her, and brought him to her house to hang out (neither one of them drove). I could tell he was really, really into her and that they were probably going pretty far pretty fast despite having almost no true time alone (at least at my house, who knows what her parents ignored). Well he snuck out with her one night and I caught him. I punished him - hard - for that. No cell phone, no iPad, no social life for up to 6 months (most privileges were restored in 4 as a reward for good behavior). What I didn't do was forbid him to date her, even though she was clearly not good for him (orchestrated the sneak out, was committed to a psychiatric unit for 10 days, was calling at all hours of the day and night, etc.). He needed to come to that realization on his own. It took about 6 weeks of not seeing her (as he was grounded) for him to realize that this was not a level of drama and craziness that he was ready for, so he broke it off with her. He learned his lesson and came to this realization *on his own* so it wasn't "us against them." He felt that I trusted him to figure this out and made a good decision, and that I didn't treat him like a child and decide for him who should be in and out of his life.

I think you need to take a deep breath, have a sit-down with you, your husband and your daughter and start over. You have to give her a voice. You have to give her a safe place to talk about the people who interest her and why. There are ways to express your concerns in a way that validates her feelings and doesn't also tear down this guy, which would make her be defensive of him. There are ways to make her come to the conclusion that while this guy might be really hot, or interesting, or different, or seems to be mature, is "a man," etc. that it just doesn't make sense for them to be in a relationship like that at this point in her life, and that she should trust that if it's "meant to be," he'll be there when she's out of high school. If you're worried about sex, chances are that if she was in a long-term relationship already that that bridge has been crossed. If you haven't had a mature, open conversation about birth control, now is the time.

What you can and should discipline, of course, is her poor choices with texting this guy to the detriment of her school work. You can use that as a clear example that her hormones are in overdrive here and are pulling her away from her usual focus and good decision-making, and let her know that until she can prove that she can be trusted to only text during appropriate hours, you will take her phone during school and at night. Same thing with the car - until you can trust her to be where she says she is going to be and isn't sneaking around, privilege lost.

All that said...I wouldn't make her quit a job over this. Give her a chance to prove that she can make good choices. If it continues to be a problem, then you can reconsider.

FWIW, I know a lot of perfectly nice people who dated with a similar age gap. A lot of smart, responsible, focused girls are very mature and a lot of younger guys are immature. One of my brothers dated a 17 year old when he was 21 and it was fine as he was taking classes, working and he was still living at home. Testing the waters is totally normal and once she's in college, she can and will do whatever she wants. Loosen the reins within reason, keep the lines of communication open and let her know that we all make mistakes (especially in lust/love) and that you trust that she can calm herself down and make good decisions about school and her other responsibilities.

FWIW, it's OK - and valuable - to change your mind about things. It's OK to say "I've calmed down and have given this some thought. I reacted very strongly in the moment because I was upset and I think that X wasn't very helpful, so let's try Y instead" and then move on.

Hi S.,

First off, breathe. You are going to get through this, you are going to get past this, you and your daughter will both survive this, and in the end, you'll adore each other.

All that said, I agree with most of the posters below. What I want to do is take the predominant message and distill it into a piece of advice.

What I recommend is that you tell your daughter this:

"Honey, I need to make one thing clear. The big issue is not that Boyfriend is 21 and you're 17. I know relationships happen with a 4-year age gap. And there are 17-year-olds who are mature enough to date 21-year-olds. But honey, YOU are not acting mature. This report card is terrible. Honey, colleges are going to see these grades. Scholarship committees are going to see these grades. And this texting is terribly immature. You've been texting when you're supposed to be asleep. You've been texting when you're supposed to be in class. This is the behavior of someone who can't even be trusted with a cell phone, let alone a boyfriend and a job."

"Honey, the way I see it is that we have a choice. We can decide together that you've been 100% out of line, and that dad and I can help you by taking away your job, your phone, your car, and all access to your boyfriend. Because quite frankly, that's the message this report card is sending. You're telling us that you can't be trusted at all. Or, we can decide together that you've been 90% out of line. We can take away your phone and your car, we can set a curfew so you're not able to see Boyfriend, period, but we can let you keep your job, since you've demonstrated that you've worked hard at this job, you're proud of what you've done there, and it means a lot to you. But, if you want us to even consider that, you're really going to have to prove yourself. And I mean, straight A+'s on the next report card. Perfect attitude from here on out. What do you think? Do you think you can handle this, or do you need to leave your job in order to turn things around?"

From one angle, there's not that much difference between taking away 90% of what she wants and taking away 100%. But if you frame it as a choice, you do a couple of things. First, you take the other possibility -- that there are no consequences, her grades can just keep going down the toilet -- out of contention. If it's a question of choosing between a draconian punishment and a marginally less draconian punishment, you set it up so she's not furious and resentful, she's grateful for the slightly less draconian punishment. And that sets her up to want to make you happy again, to want to get back into your good graces. It also gives her a smidgen of control (and that's teenagers desperately want, the autonomy to control their situation, with or without the capacity for SELF-control). But her control comes from getting her act together, from proving herself as responsible.

Either way, though, the issue is the grades. The issue is responsible use of her phone and her time. It's not that he's 21. Because really, 21 is not an adult, and 17 is not a child. They're both adolescents, and they're acting like it. And that's what you have to deal with.

Oh, and I'm sorry to close on what I'm sure will be a depressing note, but ... birth control. Even if she literally never sees this particular guy again, statistically speaking, a 17-year-old girl has better odds in life if she's on a reliable method of birth control, and if she's had a solo visit with a GYN. That's not even a statement about this situation, that's just the reality for a 17-year-old, college-bound girl.

There is a lot of stuff going on here.

For starters, I don't think the age difference is that wrong.. She is 17 not 13.

As for the job, I don't think she should be working at all while in high school. She should be focused on her grades and you see that her grades are tanking right now. She NEEDS these grades to improve for potential college scholarships and college acceptance for admission. A couple of points in a GPA can make the difference of being accepted to a certain college or not. The colleges do look at the 4 yr history of high school grades along with all the other criteria.

She is 17 and she needs guidance but she also needs to make decisions for herself and some of those decisions will not be the right decision but that is how she learns. It is hard as a parent to watch as they make stupid decisions. We just pray that they come out ok, are not hurt and learn from the mistakes.

As you know, when parents forbid anything, it just makes the forbidden fruit more desirable.

She will be on her own in college soon so she needs to be responsible for her own behavior. I know you have taught her well... a lot of kids go through this type of behavior at some time or another.

We could not stand one of our daughter's BF but we refused to forbid him. We treated him as if he were our own son, he accompanied us to lots of events, etc. Eventually, daughter FINALLY saw what we saw and she broke it off but we had to allow her to come to that decision. He was 2 yrs older than her as well (18 and 16)

As far as the "obeying" I look at that as respect. You give respect you get respect. I never used the work obey with my daughter. Now the flat out lying I would certainly be concerned about because you have taught her better than that.

The lying alone is what I would focus on as far as any punishments you have planned.

Best wishes to you. I know you are upset but remember, this will pass. Just communicate with her and let her know you love her.

ETA: Per you SWH you mention the children who don't have jobs and why. It has always been our theory that our daughter's school and grades are her job. That said, she has been babysitting since she was about 13 and now at almost 20 she continues to babysit regularly at least one night a weekend and brings in $100-$150 cash. She now lives on her on in her condo which we own right now. She is on my company payroll as a partner of our company so she gets a small paycheck monthly, just large enough so she qualifies for the company 401K plan that she is very involved with at this time. We have not been "handing over" money and things to her... she has earned the good things she has received from us and she knows very well about finances because that is our life... we have taught delayed gratification and living below your means from day one. She is also very familiar with my accounting practices and can run my QuickBooks for the company if needed.

Woof. This is tough.

I'm a follow-through parent. Like you - I believe if we don't follow through, the boundaries will be blurred. However, she's a young adult and you are trying to teach her responsibility. I would call the owner and manager of the store and express your concerns about this guy and your daughter. Let him/her know that you have already spoken to the guy (not calling him a man because he's not acting like one) and that you would like to ensure that your daughter learns responsibility. You are not asking them to babysit her, but be aware of them working together.

If your husband has put the fear of God in the 21 year old, let her continue to work. However, she needs to know that a 21 year old should NOT be involved in a 17 year old. Now what YOU need to know??? Missouri (if that's where you really live) gives the age of consent/adult as 17.
http://www.age-of-consent.info/states/Missouri

That she has lied to you about talking/texting with the guy? No cell phone. And I would probably check to ensure she didn't get a pre-paid to continue to communicate with him.

YOUR HOUSE. YOUR RULES.

When your daughter says "you're ruining my life" - ask her - what she wants out of life? Ask her to think this through - let's say they DO hook up and she gets pregnant - can he support a family on 20 hours a week? Is that what she wants from her life?? No high school diploma no college and living or married to a guy who can't provide for his family???

Get the conversation going. Have her think about her future, what she wants from it. Ask her how she would handle different scenarios. Let her know you are thinking about her future...not just the here and now...and let her know you are trying to protect her while you still can.

If she wants her phone back? She needs to get her grades up and STOP LYING...once that trust is broken?? It's really hard to get it back. She needs to know this. She needs to understand this. Trust is VITAL in a relationship - even between parents and children. This is a hard transition for many parents - child to adulthood. She's made some bad choices - by lying and going behind your back to talk to a guy that really shouldn't be approaching her...

So talk with her - NOT TO HER - WITH her. Get the dialogue going. Explain your side of things and HEAR HER OUT...don't yell - don't scream - just listen and communicate....

Good luck!

I agree with what Gamma G. said.

And I'm going to be a little bit harsh. A 17 year-old is not a child. It is not illegal for a 17 year-old to date a 21 year-old. The police wouldn't care about it if you called them unless he was actually harassing or abusing her, and then only if SHE called them.

You let her date the same person from age 14 - 17, ages where you have some "say so" and now you wonder why she has limited ability to choose wisely?

Everyone lies when put under enough pressure. Teenagers are supposed to lie and disobey us, to some degree. And get nose rings. That's how they grow up. I agree with those who said you were off base here and need to guide your daughter and not dictate her life.

I don't get parents who think they can and should make every decision for their kids until they turn the magical 18 or graduate from HS and then "they can do what they want". The point of the teenage years is to gradually gain more freedom and responsibility, so that better choices are made at 18 and beyond.

Keep clamping down this hard and the grades will get worse, the desire for the young man greater, the rebellion lasting a lot longer than if you start treating her like an almost-grown-up.

Wow! Good to call man. Good to have her quit job. Give her back all the rest. The purpose of parenting and discipline is to teach; not punish. Quitting her job is both teaching the way to handle an inappropriate relationship that has gone this far. It also gives a logical consequence for encouraging it. Taking away her phone is also logical. She was using it inappropriatly. When can she have it back? The car has nothing to do with any of this with the man.

I suggest that by taking everything away all at once only discourages her. Her words to you tell me she feels she has nothing to work for. I urge you toIclude her in a discussion of why you've reacted this way. Calmly talk with her. Tell her each consequence, in what way you expect her to learn from it and how she can earn back each privelege. Perhaps she can have her phone back once she brings her grades up. Her grades are down because she used her phone inappropriatly. If she uses her car to go to school she needs it. I don't see how the car was any part of this incident. Besides, you want her to get another job, don't you? She'll need the car for that. I think it's even logical to have to come straight home and stay home until grades are good.

your post feels like you threw the book at her. If this is the first time she's seriously misbehaved, you've used up all your "ammunition. " What will be her consequences if this or something serious happens again?

I think you managed the situation well up until te final consequences. You stayed involved and protected your daughter.

☆☆ I hadn't read all of your post. I think, since they want to make her lead, she has shown responsibility on the job. I suggest you have your daughter tell the manager what has happened. The manager is responsible for work place safety. He needs to know about this. I suggest that the man will be fired, which should happen. Then the manager will decide whether or not to keep your daughter. Telling is a much better consequence than quitting. She is learning how the adult world works.

What you did is called "tough love." She feels like her whole world crashed around her and it has. But she also lied to you and there are consequences. It is better for her to learn them at home then out in the real world where there is no cushion for fall upon.

Daughter is going to be upset for a good bit. But she will come out of it. The relationship in the home will be strained for a bit and may change. The trust she had is lost and must be regained.

I am glad that your husband spoke with the young man and put it to him nicely to leave her alone. He will think about that the next time he thinks of "young girls".

As a parent we do feel like we have overdone things. But once we have said something it is best to follow through so that the child in question knows that mom and dad really mean what they say and do what they say. You don't lose face or respect by backing down. Try to spend more time with daughter and help her get through this time and possibly point out some things that happened in your teen years or some of your old friends so that she can get the bigger picture.

Good luck with almost adults living in your home. She will thank you in the years to come just not now.

the other S.

Yes, I think that you should follow through. If your daughter learns that she can get you to back down by throwing a fit, the next two years will be MISERABLE and dangerous for all of you.

Let's count the "strikes" here: 1. She disobeyed. 2. She lied. 3. Her grades suffered. 4. She displayed remarkably bad judgement, repeatedly. 5. Instead of owning up to it, saying, "I made the choice, I screwed up," she falls back on "YOU'RE ruining my life!" She's out of chances in this situation. Instead of demonstrating how mature she is, she's demonstrated the opposite.

I would call her employer myself, and explain that you are insisting that she quit.

Hang in there!

Oh, P.S. - My husband and I are 4 years apart, but we met as ADULTS. There's a big difference between a high school student and an adult.

I too would make her quit her job, but I seriously doubt that that will stop the communication. I'm sure all of her friends have phones and texting capabilities - she'll just borrow one of theirs. Also, I don't know that texting and talking with your daughter is against the law.

Personally, I think the better way to go would have been to talk to her about having a relationship with someone you work with. That usually doesn't end well. I definitely would have taken the phone away, but not just because she was texting/calling this guy, but because she is texting/calling ANYONE at 2:00 a.m.! She could be texting Mother Teresa and I would be mad!

I DO think you have the follow-through on what you've told her is her punishment, but I also think that by forbidding this guy, you are making him more attractive.

I don't know what the answer is because I know my hubby would NEVER allow our GD to date a 21 year old so I'm just hoping I never have to figure this out. I will be watching your responses.

ETA: I think her having a job is a great thing and learning to buy her own stuff and mostly learning the difference between a want and a need. That line is very blurry when things are handed to you, but when you have to work for them, it becomes much more clear. In my day, most teens got part time jobs. We learned to work for what we want. Nowadays, most parents don't want their kids to work and just hand them stuff and then wonder why the kids are not appreciative and have entitlement issues.

In this whole thing, I am right there in your corner. I think the majority of the ones who aren't haven't raised a teen yet. It's so much easier to sit on the sidelines and give armchair advice!

I agree with the ones that say this went out of control. She is a child yes, but she is not 12. She is almost an adult...you have to let her make her own mistakes. 21 is not that much older than her, and in a few years it would be okay, right? I don't know...my husband is more than 5 years older than me, so I may have a different view on that.

For my daughter, I want her to find a man who will treat her like a queen...if that's someone a few years older, so be it.

I think you and husband need to figure out what the TRUE consequence needs to be, and make that happen. Apologize for your misguided frustrations earlier, and go forward.

Ok. First of all.....I dread my daughter becoming a teenager. Thankfully I got some time.
Second, I agree with all of your punishments...the car, the cell phone, the grounding.
Third, I am not sure if I would take away her job. She seems to be doing well at it and she has abition. BUT.....I WOULD talk with the manager about this young MANS innappropriate texting and communication with my daughter and let him know that I want this MAN fired for his behavior.
My daughter can hate my guts and think I am ruining her life. It's ok. When she's 18 she is more than welcome to go out an do whatever she wants.
L.

My then-17 yr old SS said we were ruining his childhood when we made him get a job. It is hard when they are almost grown...but not quite. We had problems with my SS in particular, acting like an adult when out with the van and then doing things like being out too late or not gassing it up and expecting us to not care that we turned the key and it wouldn't start. It's a tough time.

What is your other option, though? To go to the store together and report him to the manager? If he's not fired, she still might be. Can she be transferred to a different store? If not, then I would go forward with the job change. She is only 17 and has a good work ethic to this point. I would also consider a phone that is very limited. She can call if she needs a ride home, but not text all night. Any phone she did receive would be turned in at 9PM or similar to be charged in my room. I would return it to her the next AM. That is a rule I wish DH had enforced with the sks.

The flip side is when she has regained trust, give it to her wholly. Don't "yeah, but" if you say you trust her. And maybe right now she just needs to focus on school and bring up those grades.

You did the right thing mom. We are tough on our girls and have always been. They are their own person but know they are under our roof and will abide by our rules. No if ands or buts. If we say jump they say how high. You were right to make her quit. She will find another job and do just as well if not better. Don't back down. Keep looking into her accounts just in case he is not being honest. She will see how much of a loser he is when she is in college and he is still spinning pizza. Good luck and God Bless.

P.S. I read some of the responses and these women need to reread your original question. You said your daughter is still 16 and most of these women with negative comments must let their kids tell everyone they are older than they are before their birthday. She is not and was not 17 when this guy started to pursue her. Therefore you were right and did not over react. She can earn everything back in time. Some quicker (like the car) than others. My girls are 16 and 17 and I totally get it. Our girls are not allowed to have a boyfriend. They may go to a dance with a boy with the understanding it is as friends. We have explained to them that boys that age and even older want one thing...sex or a sexual type relationship. And if you have a teen boy and don't think this you are lying to yourself. My husband works with teen boys at church and I with teen girls. He can tell you things they tell him that their parents don't hear. He is a confidante to them. And this is why they are not allowed boyfriends until they go to college. And even then I don't see them dating much. They know too much.

Like I said before. You did the right thing. By being hard on her now you won't have to be hard on her later because (hopefully) she will learn and not make the same mistake again. Stick to your guns.

The problem that I see here is the reaction that you had - the intensity, the anger, the level.

It seems that your post is full of words like "hearts are broken", "livid", and using words like "ruin your chances" and other words like that.

It's not too late to remedy this, in my opinion.

First, review your information. It's not illegal for a 17 year old to be interested in an older guy, to be texting, etc. You've created a problem by saying you'd call the police.

Then, rethink your reaction. Yes, your immature teen lied, and got herself into a situation where her brain was not leading the way - and she did some very irresponsible things.

So, instead of responding as if she had gotten arrested or committed a horrible crime, I think you should calmly sit down with her and say something like "Honey, we love you. The way you've acted in the past few days has shown that you're not being responsible. You know your grades are important, and your job is important, and your health is important. But you've been texting all night, letting your grades slip, and proving that you're not acting in a responsible way right now. So we as your parents are going to give you some guidance. You won't be able to have your phone after 8 pm, and we're going to use parental controls provided by the cell phone carrier to turn off texting and everything except 911 during school and work hours. You may drive to work and school, and that's it for awhile. You may keep your job, but you will only work there, not socialize. You'll meet with your teachers and create a plan to get your grades back up, and you'll be open with us about all of these responsibilities. For awhile, your life will be school and work, and that's it. When you've demonstrated that you take your responsibilities seriously, when your work record is spotless, when your grades are back up, when you're taking care of your health and getting rest at night, then little by little your privileges will be added back in."

Yes, she "tested the waters". When our toddlers test the waters, literally, by going too close to the swimming pool, we grab their hands, we put floaties on them, we take them to swimming lessons so they learn not to drown. We don't tear down the swimming pool and we don't let them never take a bath.

Tell your daughter that you were afraid for her, that you're all new at this teen thing, that you appreciate that she's doing well at her job and has gotten good grades in the past, and that she just needs to get back to her responsible self and that you as parents will do your best to give her guidance and love and help when she needs it.

Well, I think that you handled this wrong from the beginning, but what's done is done. At this juncture, I think you should stand firm on the not staying at that job.

If she really wants another job, she will find one.

However, right now the issue is her grades. I would NOT allow her to find another job AT ALL until the next quarter shows excellent grades that she is capable of. Tell her that school is her fulltime job and she cannot have a second job without having excellent grades.

If she wants to buy "stuff", then she will have a reason to work hard on her classes so that she can work again. Don't give her money to buy stuff once she's not working. She needs that incentive to work hard in school.

Once you decide to give her phone back, and it should be a long time, take it before bedtime. She shouldn't have any electronics in her bedroom. If she needs the computer for homework, it's out in the open, in the living room, where everyone can see it.

You are right in giving her a curfew. You are right in demanding that she have excellent grades in order to have a job. You are right that she lives in your house and you are right to take away the phone because she has been using it instead of working on her school work.

But what you need to do after all this blows over with this guy (if it does), is understand that you cannot prevent your daughter from making mistakes with guys. She will be 17 soon and then 18 will come very fast. You won't have the "illegal" thing to use on her anymore.

Research some or ask your ped for names of books that help young girls navigate the difficult waters of dating. Understand that you can't make her feel what you want her to feel. You can make rules, but she will break them if you are too harsh and if she really wants what she wants. And sometimes if you're too strict, kids will cut off their nose to spite their face in order to "stick it to you" and they won't even know that they're doing it...

I would rethink the job but tell her that the grades have to go up. The age thing is scary but she will do the same things with boys her own age that she will do with this boy. I would focus mostly on the grades and let her keep the job. If she is doing that good and learning manager skills that will help her in the future. Sit her down tell her you have rethought the job thing but you are still not approving of the boy and she needs to be responsible about the texting. Let her try to be an adult about some things before she is 18 and thrown out in society as an adult.

Well, the main thing is she can legally have a relationship with this guy and have sex with him when she's 17. If you caught them in the car going at it there would be nothing legally that you could do.

I would simply not let her find that out though...

I think you made a lot of good choices. If her grades were this bad she should not have been working to start with.

You teach responsibility by giving them an allowance or having them do some extra chores around the house.

It's her 40+ hour per week full time job to go to school have make good grades. If she's not making the grades nothing else matters. IF she played sports or took outside lessons those would stay because some outside activities might be what gets her scholarships to pay for her school.

I have no blinders on my eyes, I know that my granddaughter is an average student and if she gets any kind of scholarship it will be due to an outside activity she took part in. Otherwise it's all financial aid for her.

So I suggest that if the guy is in any way a good guy that you bend a little bit. Invite him over for family night to have dinner and play games or watch a movie. This way it's in your TOTAL control.

Just read through your post. It's so hard with teenagers these days.
I'm sure you've received lots of advice and I hope it was good. As far
as the phone, why can't you take it at night time. And the age is a big
difference…I think. I would try and make her understand. I'm not sure
what to think of making her quit work. But, I guess distance would be
best. Good luck to you.