Christmas Dilemma

Considering that you're married to your husband and not your mother he does come first, regardless of the plans you made. Things come up and things change. You need to start acting like you want your marriage to last and stop crying to your mother, and anyone else, about your husband and treat him with more respect and dignity. Perhaps then he will treat you in the same manner. You also need to consider if being right is more important than being married. You said you still feel hurt, but I bet he does too. Stop thinking only of yourself and start considering what is best for your marriage because that is what will always be best for your own family.

First let me say I am sorry that you are going through this during the holidays. I have some really bad years with my husband but leaving only allowed his poor behavior to continue without me seeing it. Leaving for days is not a good sign. Does he think it is ok to "check out" of the relationship? Talk to him and see if he wants it to work, if so stay home and try to work it out. Good Luck and I hope where ever you are you have a good holiday for your childs sake.

I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but the scriptures tell you to "cleave unto your husband, and none else" which means that if there is ever a time when you have to choose between parents and hubby, it's hubby you choose. You already chose him once, thats why you married him. If it comes down to christmas at my moms and a happy marriage, it wouldn't really be that hard a choice.

I think either I or everyone has misunderstood your whole situation. As I read, he left for one day, came home but didn't speak to you for 3 days. It seems that everyone else thinks that he was actually gone for 3 days. Would you care to enlighten us more?

I agree - your family will always be there for you and will be more understanding then your hubby. You're both obviously still hurt. Stay with your husband for you kiddos sake!

Obviously I do not know the extent of the argument or any details but I would highly reccommend that you not leave and spend christmas at a hotel with your son. As tempting as it is, in some ways that would validate his behavior of leaving you, and it just wouldn't be very helpful, and possibly very damaging to your relationship. Try to work things out with your husband. Try to put aside being hurt and angry at him (which is totally understandable by the way) and see what he is angry about. He is most likey feeling hurt about something himself and it sounds like it has some history or build up and he just blew. But take some time to try to hear his side. I know that's really really REALLY hard when you feel totally mad and justifiably so, but remember that a soft answer turneth away wrath. Also I would agree with whoever said that you should not get your mother involved with your marriage problems. I would add that you should never really complain about your husband in front of your mother which can also be really really hard, but it can help keep you from focusing on the negative. There needs to be certain boundaries between you and your mother. And my last advice is to remember that your husband is the person that you fell in love with and the person you vowed to be with through thick and thin, through good times and bad times. The bad times are sure to come, are here, but its the way we get through them that can either pull us apart or together. My feeling is that your relationship with your husband is far more imortant than most anything else. Just figure out your priorities, what is the most important thing for you to have happen and base your decision on that.

The last time I was planning on leaving town and got in an argument w/ my honey right before. I made-up w/ him and went; then I invited him to join me a couple days later. This was dependent on the trip being only 3 hrs. and having an additional vehicle, so it might be impractical depending on your transportation situation. I may be too bullheaded, but I'm not going to spend an important family holiday sitting at home, being sad, lonely, and upset with one other person; where I could be happy and having fun with people who I like- sometimes a break from eachother is the perfect remedy to realize how much you care about eachother.

Good luck & whatever you decide is the right decision.

Hi A.,
Depending how far away your family lives I think I would go to my parents in the morning and then have dinner with my husband as long as he says he won't spoil Christmas for your child with his juvenile behavior. If your parents live too far way to do a day trip then I would invite my husband, tell him you would like him to be there, this is a time of forgiveness and go to my parents with or with out him. The reasons for this are 2 fold. One you can't punish you and your son by not having a nice Christmas for your child, a hotel room is not the place for him on Christmas and his adult parents should not be punishing him for their behavior. Family is important at Christmas as is your husband but you should not be put in the position of choosing and he should know that you are independent enough to not let his tantrum control doing what is best for your son. He gets to have you and your son all year, Christmas is a time of coming together, not forcing your wife and child to be apart and cause a family rift that may last a long time. Talk with him and tell him it is important to you and your son that he comes and talk to your mom and make it clear you want your husband to feel welcome.
Be the adult, be strong and don't spend Christmas in a hotel room.
Merry Christmas, I hope you all have a wonderful time,
SarahMM

Go with your heart! Don't ruin Christmas for your baby. Your
husband needs to man up for the holidays. You can work through your problems after the holidays are over.
You don't mention what the argument was about or if this happens often. I agree with the others. If these plans were
already made then either he comes with you or you can split your day. The baby comes first.

I am so sorry for your troubles, it seems that where you spend Christmas is not the real problem here, it is whether you stay with your emotionally abusive husband! That is what he is from the sound of it, trying to isolate you from your family is part of it, that way you will have to rely on him for all of you (non-existant) emotional support so he will have all the power. Go spend Christmas with you family, and then make an appointment to see a counselor the next day. If your husband is willing, get marriage counseling as well. Good luck to you, I hope that this is just a blip in an otherwise happy relationship but to be honest it doesn't seem that way, you may need to find the strength to leave him fo good.

A.,
For me, it looks like your dilemma is bigger than Christmas.
What is it that your husband doesn't appreciate about your parents? Do your parents and your husband respect each other? I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but I believe this is well-worth looking at: Genesis 2:24
"Therefore shall a man (or woman) leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife (her husband) and they shall be one flesh". Could the reason that your husband left for three days be that he knows that you honor your parents more than him? Does your 4-year-old really want to spent time away for his father? Is there a way that you can create a situation that honor all of your family?

Wishing you a joyful Christmas -- for me that is Christmas with family.
With my whole heart, C.

You need to think about your 4-year-old. I know your husband hurt you really bad, but your baby comes first. Your child is not going to want to spend Christmas in a hotel room, especially if you have a tree up and if they are really excited about Santa. You need to put your feelings behind you for the time being and make Christmas special for your child.

It sounds like your husband has made his own choice about what he is doing on Christmas, and you can do what you choose to. Don't let him manipulate you into being alone when that is not how you would like to spend Christmas. You cannot be responsible for his choices, and do not punish yourself and your child just so he won't be able to use it over you in the future. I was in a relationship with a master manipulator, and I have learned that no one should ever have that kind of power over me. Be your own woman, and do what makes sense for you and your child. Believe me, I know how hard it can be. Good luck, and try to make this a Merry Christmas.

I am with the other poster, your husband has far deeper issues then you seeing your family!
First, you don't disappear for three days! That isn't okay nor is it normal marital behavior.
Then to deny you seeing your family is a huge concern.
You said the word isolation, people that try to manipulate and control use isolation.
You sit down, figure out what you need to do to save your marriage and see if your husband is willing to put in the effort, the therapy and work hard.
Your son deserves both of his parents on Christmas and it is about HIM not you and not your husband.
Stress is big this time of year, but your son shouldn't suffer because of it. I would tell your husband to grow up and think of his son!
Did you already have a plan to go to your parents? If so then I see no reason that has to change, however you owe it to your son to fix your marriage, as does your husband. Don't allow whatever he is going through to drag you down, he has an option to go. He more then likely is embarassed for acting like he did when your mom was here, but he needs to go and allow his family to have a good Christmas.
Have you thought of having your mom call and extend an invitation so maybe he feels better about not feeling foolish?
Good luck, get some counselling seriously. I don't think I would have handled the three day disappearing act well at all!

A.,
you really need to get help for your marital problems. This is an extreme response from your husband and there is much you have not told us. As a marriage and family therapist, I can tell you that this is not a typical response to a fight. Please consider therapy for the two of you and for you alone if he won't go. go to www.smartmarriages.com, www.prepinc.com, www.divorcebusting.com for lots of good advice, books and referrals.

take care, S.

A., so sorry you are having to deal with this. Although it is too late for Xmas, I strongly recommend the two books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage." I've read both books a bunch of times and they are real life savers.

My thoughts are that first, calm down. Second, tell your husband that you made these plans months ago and you are going to follow through with them. Tell him how much you would like to have him go. (If he doesn't, that's not your problem and you needn't feel guilty). Then go ahead and do it.

Marriage counseling sounds like it is in order. The not talking for days on end thing is not a good sign. It's manipulation and a control issue.

Also, I would stop the crying to your mother thing. . . I can't blame your husband for not wanting to go to Xmas at your parents as he probably feels that your mother thinks he's a jerk. I stopped telling my mother our issues years ago and it has made a big difference in our life.

I would do whatever would be best for your 4 year old. If he is going to be asking where's dad all Christmas, you need to be with your husband no matter how big of a jerk he is. Sometimes you just have to be the adult because men are always going to behave like children. I would try to have a happy Christmas no matter how big of a jerk your husband is. It's not worth all the energy to be mad sometimes. Maybe he'll catch a little Christmas spirit and make it up to you.

I agree with several of the previous posters. The bigger issue here is that your husband's actions were very immature and manipulative. Counseling is definitely in order. But as to the Christmas issue, your husband made a choice to do what he did - and now he is unwilling to face the consequences of that choice. That should not disturb your child's Christmas nor your time with your family. I would simply tell your husband that you love him and you would love to spend Christmas with him, but you are going to honor your commitment to spend it with family. Tell him that you really want him to come with you and you hope he does. If he chooses not to go, you are not choosing your family over him, HE is choosing not to swallow his pride and face an unpleasant situation that HE created. You are just choosing not to add an unhealthy reaction to his already unhealthy behavior. Go enjoy Christmas with people that you and your child will really enjoy. And hopefully that will include your husband - if he decides to come, that will be a really good, healthy step. If you give in to his craziness, I promise it will only reinforce the idea that manipulation works and it will encourage him to continue to manipulate. Good luck & I wish you the best.

DID HE LEAVE YOU FOR 3 DAYS OR JUST NOT TALK ABOUT IT? What about your kid wanting to be with his dad? Sounds messy. What was the fight about? with little information, I think you shouls stay with your husband and kid at home.

Hope you can have peace at Christmas,

Marci

Hun, I hate to say this so bluntly, but I think you've got a much bigger problem than where to go for the holidays. Your husband sounds very controlling and also quite childish.

You don't say what the fight was about last weekend, nor how often the two of you fight over the issue of you spending time with your first family. But his reaction in that fight was certainly over the top in my view - to leave you and not contact you for three days while you wonder if he is OK or if he is lying somewhere dead. That's certainly a lot to put a four-year-old through as well and he is setting a very poor example of how fathers behave.

Please choose either Christmas at home or Christmas with your parents, but do not take your little one to a hotel for the day. What a sad little Christmas that would be for the child.

And I encourage you to ask your husband if he will go to counseling with you. If he will not go with you, I encourage you to go by yourself.

I am another voice urging counseling. I know it's difficult to convince a guy he may need to go, so go for yourself so you can gain better coping and communication skills on your own. Also, I will recommend another book for you to read. It's called "Deal Breakers: When to work on a relationship and when to walk away." by Dr. Bethany Marshall. She talks about a few different types of unhealthy personalities that men may exhibit, how to work with them and communication strategies and also when it's time to decide if it's going to work or not.

Just remember, you are modelling how a relationship should work for your son. If your husband treats you poorly, and you allow it, he has learned that he can treat women poorly.

Oh, A., I'm sorry that this is happening for you. I would say to do what your heart tells you you want to do, and don't let your husband control your actions. Remember that you are your own person. If you choose to go to your family's home for Christmas, then you should go. You're not choosing your family over him--he is the one choosing not to be with you. I think it would be healthier for your 4-year old to be with your family than in a hotel: s/he will be around family that loves him, and will see that his/her mama is a strong woman! Don't let your husband guilt trip you for something that isn't your doing/fault: he is the one making the choice not to join you in plans that you had already made together. Be strong, and try to enjoy your holidays. I think surrounding yourself with your loving family is what you need right now!
Hugs,
S.

My husband can be very difficult like this, sometimes, too. He actually has a personality disorder, so that doesn't help. I absolutely know where you are right now. You want to go because you've been planning this for a long time, but he's being (probably--it's hard to tell without more information) a little immature. So now you have to choose whether to go ahead with your plans alone, or spend a tense, unpleasant holiday alone with your husband.
He really should muster up some maturity and go ahead with your plans, but if he doesn't, I suggest setting aside the argument for a few minutes and discuss your Christmas plans as calmly as you can. Tell him your side, that your parents and son have been planning this visit for a long time, and you'd like to go through with it. And tell him that you'd like him to be a part of your holiday celebrations, too. Then ask him how he feels about going. If he just says, "I don't wanna" (which my husband has pulled on me) as him why. If he gives a lame answer, or tries to start fighting with you again, try to stay calm and ask him if there's anything else that's keeping him from going.
After you've given him enough time and listened to his explanation, and he still won't go, ask him what he'd like you to do. Tell him that you feel torn between him and your parents, and are worried that with the argument sitting between you two, that your Christmas may not be a joyful one for either of you or your son.
Try to be open to his suggestions, and tell him how you feel about them. Tell him that you don't want to leave him alone, and that you're really worried that if you go without him, you're afraid he'll use it against you later.

It's hard to know how serious this argument was, but especially if you try to take his feelings into consideration, and you focus on how your parents and son will be affected, maybe you can ease your way through this discussion without another battle ensuing.
Good luck!

I'm glad to see you decided to stay home with your husband. I just wanted to add a bit of advice in getting past this difficult time in your relationship. I'm assuming you want to keep this marriage going and not let one incident end it.

First, forgive him. I know you are really hurting, but that probably won't go away until you forgive him. The anger will be able to go away too. As long as you are holding onto what he did wrong you will be tying yourself up in that hurt and anger.

Next, apologize to him. It's true that he wasn't blameless in this. But it's not about blame. It's about fixing your relationship. It takes a LOT of courage and humility to apologize when you feel like he is wrong and you aren't. But really you have 2 choices - to take the first step and make things better, or to wait for him to do it and hope it doesn't get worse in the mean time. Chances are, if you take that step and 'give in' he'll be more willing to start talking about it too.

If this isn't an isolated incident, but this kind of thing happens periodically, I would suggest looking into marriage councelling. But if this is the first, you can probably work it out between the two of you. Just avoid casting blame, and talk it out so you can understand what happened.

Hang in there! It can be tough, but nothing worthwhile is super easy.