Childs Relationships

As an adult lesbian and mother of 2 children, I will say I knew my orientation when I was 14. My parents were so closed minded, I didn't come out until I was 28. Even then I was terrified. I think it is great that your daughter had the trust in you to talk to you about this already. Most straight kids won't talk to their parents about sexual feelings while they are in puberty, so kudos to you! Not being able to come out when I was young and thinking I HAD to be straight drove me into relationships with abusive men. As far as promiscuity is concerned, I went from 0 to 60 in a matter of weeks.
I think the reason you think this is inappropriate is simply because it makes you uncomfortable. If you stop and think about it, most girls at 13 are boy crazy and have a new boy friend every week. It just so happens that your daughter feels comfortable with who she is now. Try to keep your mind open. Love her for who she is, not how she identifies. And I will keep your family in my prayers.

M.,

I, too, am a couselor and agree that your daughter may not know exactly where she stands right now with regard to her sexuality. It is common for young girls, especially in today's day and age to go through this. She may be convinced now, but may find that she is really heterosexual in the future. I encourage you to listen. It sounds like that is what she really needs right now. Of course, she already knows how you feel about the subject. However, what she needs from her mother is for you to tell her that want to understand what she is going through, no matter how much you disagree with her choices. Remember that teens are confused about many things as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in. The worst thing to do, in my opinion, is try to ignore this. On some level, it sounds like she wants to bother you with this. It may be unconcious, she may just be frustrated with her own feelings and trying to get a rise out of you. Whatever the situation may be, I encourage you to handle it like you would any other subject that she is struggling with. After you get an open dialog with her again, explain why you feel like you do and try to focus on understanding details about why she feels this way. Also be sure to put boundaries on when and where you discuss this, so she is appropriate in front of her little brother, etc... She may be more appropriate if she feels that you two have some time to discuss this in private. Also tell her about your concerns with this lifestyle, i.e. socially, personally, never having children of her own someday, etc... TAKE IT SLOW and do your best to be patient! It has to be difficult! I will pray for you all!

All my best,
K.
Mother of 4-yr-old boy/girl twins and a 2-yr-old boy

First of all I'm not so sure I agree with your counselor, many children at this age know what their sexuality is, actually, some of them know when they are a little younger. With that being said, there are those children who do things and say things simply to get attention. Your daughter may be one of those misguided children longing for something. I commend you for taking her to see someone who can help her. That is a great first step. As far as her talking about gay and lesbian issues, I say just listen to her and support her. You may not approve of what she believes her sexuality to be, but she still needs your love and support. Besides, if she is just doing this for attention then she could be feeding off of your negative feedback. On the flip side, if she is truly a lesbian, nothing you say or do is going to change that, and if you aren't as supportive as you can be of her, you run the risk of making her feel unloved and unwanted. Think to the future and realize that what you say and do now she'll remember and you may lose her if you don't make an effort to at least show her that you love and support her in spite of her sexuality. Continue to take her to the counselor, talk to her, and let her be open with you. Don't ever make her feel like she can't talk to you about any and everything. At least that way you'll know what she's up to. The lies are unacceptable (but expected of a 13 year old). I can still remeber some of the whoppers I told my parents, lol! Continue to set boundaries and let there be strong consequences when she breaks the rules or lies. I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you, but know and believe that PRAYER changes things. Good Luck to you and your family.

Her actions are of a rebellious nature. She is not a lesbian. At 13, budding girls aren't confident enough in their "sexuality" to know if they are lesbian. Sounds as if she is participating in attention getting behaviors...and it is working. I would think counseling is a form of "attention" as well at this juncture. It's a game. You just have to come up with a better shocker than she does. Listen to her "lesbian" talk. It might make her less likely to bring it up. Inform yourself on women's issues where they partian to lesbianism and women's literature and a feminist philosophies. That way, you are armed and ready for her "gay talk". My thought is that she is very uninformed as to what it really MEANS to be a lesbian and again, is just rebelling against you.

If the reason you have your daughter in counseling is to try to convince her that she is actually straight, then please stop. Trying to be something she is not will cause her nothing but pain and will emotionally scar her.

Her orientation is as much a part of her as her skin. By the time I was thirteen, I certainly knew that I was heterosexual, because I was attracted to boys. If your daughter is attracted to girls, then she is lesbian. Any counselor who says that a thirteen year old is too young to know what her orientation is full of it.

Please don't shut your daughter out of your life, and please undestand that BGLT issues are going to be a part of her life from now on. BGLT people face massive discrimination and prejudice, and your daughter needs her family to be a source of support, not part of the problem.

As for her lying to you, it may be because she feels that SHE can't trust YOU because you want her to live a lie by pretending to be something she isn't.

it's absolutely normal for her to know at her age what her sexuality is. you remember flipping through tiger beat as a pre-teen and getting your blood pumping for some cute guy in the magazine? or not being able to miss your favorite tv show because the boy on it was just dreamy? you knew you were heterosexual long before you were sexually active. your daughter knows too. before you go dismissing this and trying to force her into the closet and away from you, i suggest you read up on the matter before you do irreperable damage you you and your daughter's relationship.

I don't know what you believe and I don't want to offend anyone, but homosexuality is not something you're born with or anything like that, it's a choice. Your daughter is old enough now she's making her own choices. Some are going to be wrong ones. My question to you is this: Does your family attend church on a regular basis and if so, does your daughter know Jesus as her personal saviour? I'm hoping so because, if not, that is what she needs. My advice would be to talk to your Pastor, if you go to church. If you don't go to church, find one. And if your family isn't saved, all it takes is a simple prayer. Please respond to this e-mail and don't be offended in what I have said.

My younger sister is a lesbian and she said that she always knew she was different, but growing up, being gay wasn't something you even thought about. Now that she is 30, she looks back and remembers certain tell-tell signs. She spent much of her college years dating guys and trying to fit a mold, but she always ended up with abusive guys and occassionally was a bit permiscuive trying to find her way. I think it is great that your daughter wants to talk to you about her feelings and gay issues. Listen to her. Sometimes it isn't what she says, but what she doesn't. Remember that alot of parents with teenage daughters wish they had a clue what was going on in their minds. As for the relationship jumping; I think most at her age do that, whether gay or straight. Being alone is usually associated with being unliked or unloved and no one wants to feel that way. Don't push her into trying to please you. She could go too far in the opposite direction and make you a very young grandmother.

She is only 13 and I would be discourageing any kind of relationships at this point other than friendships . She's too young to be thinking of relationships with males or females. I know it's hard to be supportive of our childen at times but it sounds to me she is telling you these things for your reaction and attention.

Hello M.,

Peace be with you ;-) I have a friend who was gay, changed his life around, and is now joyfully married for 17 yrs. with three children. He was nice enough to send this along to me. I thought you might find it helpful. However, I must say that the responses given you were all spot on and very well thought out.

The grief cycle has hit -- like an express train broadsiding you. You feel betrayed, helpless, isolated, resentful, and perhaps devastated. Facing the wreckage of life as a parent in a fallen world can be tiring, frustrating, overwhelming.

Learn to discern. Is she just trying to be outrageous and shocking by appearing to embrace the lifestyle--or something more? Being gay is touted as something exotic and chic. Is she simply trying on the latest fashion, to see how it fits--or enmeshed in something deeper? The exotic can easily become the erotic, and every act of rebellion also has elements of unbelief woven in, so take matters seriously--but avoid making mountains out of molehills by overreacting.

It is normal to feel as you do,(shock, denial, anger, fear, numbness...) But hysteria on your part is not going to build the bridges you need to build. Ask God to make you more ‘shockproof’ as a parent of a teen. Be more sensitive to the desperate need she has to communicate with you. Adolescence is a tough time for most teens, and as they come to terms with who they are as a man or woman, they need the wisdom of those who have gone before them, whether she admits it or not. Most often there is an earnest plea for attention going on.

Don’t be daunted by this. She may even have bought into the ‘just born this way’. She has a lot invested in ‘no fault’ thinking that wants to make sure you feel OK as a parent. “I’m OK, you’re OK,” is a common element of pop culture ideology. Your daughter is wandering in a wasteland of post-modern ethics where ‘it can’t be wrong when it feels so right.’

Conflict will happen, so expect it, but don't exasperate her. Watch your heart with diligence. Being gay is not just about sex. It is a gospel issue, a heart issue reflecting the core of our being. It cannot be dealt with by behavior modification techniques. Avoid ‘just say no’ moralism. More rules is not the answer -- changing your relationship with your teen is closer to the target.

You will want to ‘just fix this’, but it is not your job to fix her, and you can’t fix the heart of another person even if you wanted to. God alone can change her from the inside out. But change doesn’t happen overnight. The idols of the heart are not easily, or willingly replaced without a battle.

http://exodus.to/content/blogcategory/16/53/

Sincerely with all my best________

. dOES YOUR DAUGHTER WATCH SHOWS LIKE DEGRASSI HIGH ON NOGGIN? ITS FULL OF SEX GAY AND STRAIGHT.I HAVE A BOOK ''AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION 'THAT GAVE ME SOME GOOD INFO ON THIS ISSUE. THE MAIN POINT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN UNTIL SHE HAS ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH A GIRL. MANY GIRLS USE THIS AS A FORM OF REBELLION.WILL PRAY FOR YOU IN THIS HARD TIME.

It may just be a phase she is going through. I am not a lesbian, so I can't say this for sure. I have plenty of gay friends and even though they know I don't agree with thier lifestyle choice, I do love and cherish my friendships with them. I am not saying you have to embrace her lifestyle choice, but maybe not make such a big deal out of it. Let her know that you love her unconditionally and that you will continue to love her in spite of her lifestyle choices. To many of my friends said that the hardest part about telling their parents they were gay was losing their love more than seeing their disappointment. She is at that rebellious age and it may be her way of acting out. It could also be that she is a lesbian. Either way, you need to make sure that she know you love her no matter what her sexual preference, be honest about your being uncomfortable with her lifestyle choice without being condescending, impose the same dating rules and curfews on her as you would if she was dating boys. Maybe by setting aside set time one or two days a week where she can discuss gay issues will make her feel like you are trying to understand her and may avoid her bring up the issues at inappropriate times. By doing this you are saying "Altough I am uncomfortable hearing about these issues and the lifestyle, I love you enough to listed to what you have to say and what you feel is important to you." Try to take the wind out of her sail of rebellion. I had friends in college that decided to be gay because it was the cool thing to do and they wanted to fit in, they later realized that they were not gay and had ostercized themselves from long time friends and some family members. This is a phase in her life where she thinks that you as parents don't know anything, don't understand her and don't want too, etc. Maybe by making a small sacrifice to try to understand her will help her understand herself in this developmental stage better.

Sorry you are going through with her this at such a young age. Unfortunately they do start liking people at this age. I don't know what your home life is like,but I have a younger sister that does things just because she knows my parents hate it. Sometimes if it just gets under your skin they seem to want to do it more. I have a pretty great 16 year old and sometimes he does annoying thing just to watch my reaction. So I working on not reacting as much. Set and talk to her and do more listening and less reacting which is sometimes hard. At 13 she need not be dating anybody. At this age they are really trying to figure them self out. I do think she is to young to really know. My son has a friend that did the same thing she enjoys the attention she get from her other friend. continue with the counselor is a great idea. And not allowing her to have the relationship can't hurt. Don't allow her girlfriend over even the ones she says are just friend. Because you just don't know. I know i wasn't allowed to have boys over whether they where just friend or not because my grandmother just didn't know. Listen is going to be the best thing you can do because sometimes they're just trying to get your attention. Hope you have good luck with this. We are very much in living for God so I am able to handle a lot just through the the word. open the Bible its in there.

Hey sweetie that situation is a wake up call to society also. I believe even at the age of 13 that one knows her sexuality, just try not to ignore her and try joining in with her when she is talking about her issues. It may be just a phase in life that she is going through and she might get over that when she really starts to develop into a real woman you are anyone else can not tell her that she does not like girls, keep your relationship with your daughter very close do not let her slip away and please do not push her away because of this

There are many good responses here. I would stop using that counselor entirely and give your daughter time to learn. You need it, too. And if she's willing to talk to you, why would you not let her? How many moms write her to complain how badly their daughters of that age treat them? You are lucky! Keep it that way. But I also think she's rather too young to date.

I say stand your ground, You do not have to be politically correct with your children. Remember the good days when your house, your rules, well I say it is still that way. Tell her again you do not approve anddo not want to hear about it. She is way too young for relationships on any level, have her focus on school and helping around the house. Get her involved in activities and thinking about others I would forbid her from any kind of dating, flirting ect, its not appropriate.
M.

She could either be mature for her age, or just looking to put a bee in your bonnet. The truth is that homosexuality is a physiological / chemical change from the norm. I have a feeling that if science delves into the genetics behind it that they may find changes there as well. She may very well be feeling attractions normally associated with what men feel. This is an area where you have to tread lightly, if you spurn her too much, you will drive her away, and she wont want to include you in a large part of her life as she gets older. I'm afraid you will have to learn to respect - if not accept - and she will grow weary of it if she's not serious. But if she is, you should hopefully consider yourself fortunate that your 13yo still wants to talk to you. These talks are also a good time to promote safe sex practices, as std's are still possible. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck :}

Hi M.!
I don't have much advice to give in this matter I just wanted to post a message for support! See I'm the oldest of 7 children (my mother married a man w/ 5 of his own about 13 years ago) and our youngest sister has been very loudly proclaimed her self as a lesbian around the same age as your daughter. She is 18 now and like you daughter she jumps from one drama filled relationship to another. She has caused a stir in our family for years in this regard. We have all talked to her including $1,000 upon $1,000 of dollars my parents have paid for councleing to no vail the trouble seems to follow her or maybe she just creates the trouble. Please stay strong and supportive AND above all please don't let her walk on you or your husband little girls will either come out of it or stand their stuborn ground till their 20! My thoughts will be with you!
Julie Spear-NWA

I know you don't want to hear this, but your daughter is old enough to know who she is more attracted to, whether it be male or female. She may not know for sure what her sexuality is, but she does know what sex she is attracted to. Contrary to some beliefs, I don't believe that she can be "talked out of" this kind of thing. As long as you prohibit her from these relationships, the more she is apt to pursue them. Which will certainly open the door to more deceit and distrust. She is obviously very curious and needs to be educated about gay issues and what goes along with that lifestyle, so that she will be prepared. You love your daughter, so try to support her and who she is, or who she thinks she is. I'm not saying to encourage her, per se, but I have some gay friends, and it was not easy being them when they were growing up. She needs your love and acceptance, in my opinion. Please open your heart and mind to her. These times and how you handle them are critical for you both. You are both in my prayers...

You're not going to always agree with you children's choices, but, as their mother, you should allow yourself to hear their thoughts and feelings.

I'm not sure how much this therapist will be able to do about your daughter's sexuality. For the life of me, I don't understand why she told you she's too young. Think back when you were thirteen...did you not have a crush on some guy, or were you not curious about some sexual things?

Part of this also seems to be rebellion. She knows if she keeps bringing this stuff up, she's pushing your buttons. She also seems to have a complex about being accepted. The fact that she has to always be "dating" someone may have something to do with abandonment issues.

Just make sure your there for your daughter. If she feels she can't talk to you, she may turn to worse things like drugs or crime. She's screaming out about something! Just take the time to try to hear her.

my suggestion is back off a little. Listen when she wants to talk about gay issues. Maybe you can learn a little about the way she is feeling and thinking. I know it is probably very hard to do b/c u disagree with it but we all know the more we say no the more the kids r going to rebel.... Just a thought. My cousin is gay & everyone turned their backs on him & it only made it worse. I say let her know she is loved no matter what & try discussing the situation instead of avoiding it no matter how bad it hurts to hear it. Good luck friend.

It actually sounds as though your daughter is dealing quite well with who she is. Perhaps you should see a therapist to help you in dealing with your phobia of alternative lifestyles. It is actually amazing to me that your daughter is so open with you, knowing that you don't approve. The two of you could enjoy a fantastic, life-long, open relationship, despite your differences. Don't let that pass you by. THIS is the time that she needs your respect and love the very most!
Good luck to both of you.

I have not been a mom for long but something came to mind for you. I would act like this lesbian issue does not effect in anyway, she might be doing this to get a rise out you and ifs its working she will continue. I have often thought what we would do if our daughter stated she was gay also, hang in there and just know we are here for you.

hi i don't know that 13 is too young to know which way she is having the tendecy to lean sexual wise as my brother told us at 7 that he didn't feel right around girls he is now 43 n has never been anyway but gay n he always wanted to talk about his b/f just like me n my sister talked about ours n my big brother talked about his g/f. don't push her away from u as there r alot worse things for her to decide she is gonna b or try good luck J.

Are you a member of a good Christian church? If not could you get involved? A good pastor could effectively counsel your daughter out of lesbianism, which as you know is not the norm. God created us male and female. She may be having some struggles and issues that are causing this, for which she needs counseling. We go to a non denominational Christian church and our pastor has been extremely helpful regarding issues with our strong willed daughter. She is 27 now, but when she was about 12-13 they started. She was wild and uncontrollable, and I thought it would end in disaster. I read James Dobson's Strong Willed Child, and Love Must be Tough....also very helpful. My daughter ended up going to a Christian boarding school, which was wonderfully supportive. She graduated first in her class, got great scholarships, and is now working as a Communication Director for a Congresssman in DC.
B. S. RN. CCM

I don't think she is too young to know that she is a lesbian. I have friends that have known they were gay as long as they could remember. I think that you need to try to be a little more open and try to see her point of view. I know that it would be one of the hardest things to do but if she really is a lesbian, she will be with girls the rest of her life as well as yours. When she starts bringing up the gay issues, tell her that you know she wants to talk about them but that you are still trying adjust to this and when you feel more comfortable with everything the two of you can talk about it. I am sure this is not what you want to hear but I hope it helps a little. Good luck with everything.

I cannot begin to understand what it would be like to have my child tell me they were gay, so i will treat this as if they were interested in relationships of the opposite sex. A 13 year old is too young to be in a relationship. That said there is not much you can do about what your child does when she is away from you. She is wanting to talk, LISTEN even if it disgusts you or you think it's inappropriate. Talk to her about how to control her "desires" and be responsible. She may think it's safe or okay because she's with girls, but you need to hold the same standard as if she wasn't gay and let her know these would be your rules even if she were intersted in guys. You may have to not allow her to sleepover with "friends" (would she sleepover at boy's house). Help her to see how she should treat sexual relationships in general. If she sees you are holding the same expectations of her as you would if she weren't gay, there might not be as much lying.
As a teen, I jumped from relationship to relationship - it was where I found part of my indentitiy and excuse to spend time away from home. Find things about her to build up and encourage and make home a place she wants to be. Hope this helps.

I think your first mistake is shutting her out. You have to let her talk to you about what she finds important or you wont ever know what she is really feeling. How are you supposed to know if she really is lesbian if you don't let her talk about her thoughts and feelings on the topic? She is most likely confused at this age and still needs to sort things out for herself. Remeber being this age? The way you are going about this is only encouraging her to push - she is at the independent, rebellious age.

You might not agree with her thoughts and ideals and may not like it if she actually is lesbian but there isn't anything you can do about it if she is. She is your daughter and needs your love and support regardless of her sexual preference. It is more important she is that she is a happy, successful person. Does it really matter who she falls in love with as long as that person is a good person and treats her well?

C.

I once heard a message about homosexuality. I was a real eye opener to me as I had never heard it described in this way.
To summarize the message: God created male and females differently to ensure we would not live a selfish life. It takes patience, understanding, compassion, empathy and many other virtues for a man and a woman to have a lasting loving relationship. As God's goal for us is to die to ourselves and to live for Him and others, this makes perfect sense to ask people to live with someone so opposite from themselves. The main point then about homosexuality is that it is a very selfish and lazy lifestyle as it requires no dying to self as you are virtually chosing to love yourself reflected in someone just like yourself. Made sense to me, hope you can grasp it too.

I think you´re making such a big deal with all this. She is only 13. She is just trying to get your attention with something that she knows drives you nuts. Try to read about gay issues and talk with her about it. Probably she just need talking with you about her mixed feelings.

This may be an unpopular opinion but I dont believe that people are born gay or that it is inherited, homosexuality is a behavioral issue. I am in the process of reading Dr. Dobsons book , "bringing up boys" and am on the subject right now about homosexuality. He reccomends a book for all parents to read called "Preventing Homosexuality: A parents Guide. By Clinical psycologist Joseph Nicolosi,PH.D. No matter what your belif is on the subject it couldnt hurt to read the book.
Good luck. One other thing to be aware of, It has actually become A "cool thing" amongst teenagers to say that they are bi sexual or gay. My best friend has children that are 12 and 15 and they said that there are kids in school that claim to be bi-sexual. The way that they talk about it is like its no big deal to be bi-sexual, her sons girlfriend is supposidly bi-sexual. Its like if it a fashion statement now... rediculouse But anyways read that book and see if it has some good advise on how to handle it.
K.

I think regardless of how you feel about homosexuality that you need to LOVE and ACCEPT your daughter for who she is. By the way I am heterosexual.

First and foremost, I don't agree with her counselor that she is too young to know she is a lesbian. Did you know you were straight at 13? exactly!
That being said, I do have some advice about her talking gay issues all the time. She is doing this because she has something to attach herself to. I bet she has been isolated for most of her young life until now, hasn't she?
When kids find that one group that is accepting to them, they attach themselves to it completely. I bet the "alternative" friends she is hanging out with completely encourage this behavior(including the relationship jumping) because they see it as a way to be "different." What they don't see is they are becoming what they hate by conforming to the new norm. I would let your daughter express herself about her new lifestyle, but I would encourage her to try many new things. You don't want her to only identify with her sexuality at this age. That should be a by-product of who she is, not ALL she is. Hope this helps. (I don't have any kids who have come out, but have seen it numerous times.)

I am sorry, you can't "pray away the gay", or counsel it out of a person. That is just rediculous. If you have ever known any homosexuals, surely you would see that it is not a lifestyle choice. However ,13 year olds do like to do things for attention, so it is possible that is the case here. I say keep the lines of communication open, accept her for who she is, and she will become the person sexually she was meant to be. Whatever you do, keep her as far away from judgemental type organizations as possible because if she truly is a lesbian, they will damage her in deep and lasting ways.

You don't say whether you would approve of "boy relationships" or not when you said that you don't approve of her "girl relationships", however, the tone I am picking up is that you would approve of her liking boys but not girls, but I apologize if I am assuming incorrectly. It's one thing if you dissaprove of her having a relationship at all because you think she is too young, but please remember it is bigotry to approve of relationships with boys but not girls. So even if you don't personally agree with gay and lesbian relationships, this is something that is really not up to you. Please, I urge you not to try to persuade her to change. If someone is gay or lesbian, then that is who they are and you should accept her for who she is. Of course she is going to lie! You are telling her you don't approve of her liking girls, she is not going to change, so she will continue to see girls and lie to you about it. If you let her know you accept who she is, she will most likely be truthful about her relationships. If you forbid her to do something that she feels is who she is, then she will probably rebel! I apologize for sounding critical, but it seems odd that you would send her to see a counselor for this. That is something I think you do when she has a problem, and this is not a problem, it is just who she is. I'm not a counselor, but I'm not sure I agree that 13 is too young for her to know her sexuality. I'm heterosexual and when I was 13 I knew I liked boys - that is also when I had my first boyfriend, and gays and lesbians that I know have said they knew from a very young age, much younger than 13. Anyway, I don't mean to sound harsh with all this, but I just hope you can try to see another side to this and try to accept your daughter for who she is. But yes, she is young, and kids and young adults experiment, and who knows, maybe it is a "phase", but maybe it's not and it's just who she is, and if so, there is nothing wrong with that. My personal opinion is that parents should never try to "mold" their children to be like them, to be a certain way, to have certain beliefs (religious, etc), but that they should let them be free to discover their own selves while encouraging them to always be kind and have respect and tolerance for others, alike or different.