My Mother Can't Accept My Step Children

G.,

It's sad to say but the reality of it all is that you mother may never accept your step-children and you will have to eventually make a choice. This will not be a win win situation because either way someone will be hurt either you children or your step children.

I think your mother and grandmother need to be told, in a very clear fashion, that these children are your family now and that they need to treat them like family. It is unacceptable, IMO, to treat them so unfairly simply because they were not borne of you.

When I married my husband, he had a 4 year old from a previous marriage. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...everyone...took her in as if she had been mine all along. There was no favoratism. She was never left out. She was, and is, a part of my family and they love her just as much as they love the children that hubby and I have since created together.

Just ask them what their problem is. I raised two foster kids and everyone I was around treated them like they treated my own kids, even the neighborhood. I'd say this is a problem and what ever comes to your first mind to say to them, say it. Don't hold back and make it worse, letting them think they can get away with it. As for Christmas gifts for all the kids? I tell them if they can't do it eqwually for all of them then don't do it at all!!! Let me know what you deceide

____@____.com

A lot of families are, unfortunately, similar to yours with the stepchildren when it comes to pictures and such. I don't believe that expecting to do less for them by way of gifts is right. You did the right thing to express your concerns over it, and I applaud your fiancee for not raising a fuss in front of everyone. I can only imagine how hard it had to be for him also to keep his cool. My in-laws are getting better about accepting my oldest 2 kids (who are my husband's stepkids), but I still do notice a lot that they are excluded from, and where the blood relatives are favored. It is a natural response to a lot of people, and while I doubt that they are doing it to be mean, it will start having an affect on the kids. I have gotten the advice before that all it takes is a couple of times to decline to participate in family events if your stepkids won't be included like all the other kids. It's hard not to do things you normally do, but you are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and all your kids to take a stand against having people treat them any less. I hope this helps, and good luck to you!

Hi G.,
Obviously this is really upsetting to your fiance,(Understandably) and needs to be taken care of. If your grandmother and mother keep this up it will keep causing problems between the two of you and may even create bad feelings between him and your children. Your family may not feel the same way about his children as they do about your kids but to be so obvious about it is terribly mean. Those kids don't deserve such alienation. I would definately talk to them and tell them if it continues you will all have to stop coming to family functions. Good luck. J.

Since this post is 8 years old, I trust that it has been resolved in some manner. I have been married to my husband for 7 years, and my family will kind of 'fake' loving my stepkids by giving them gifts if they are around at Christmas...but otherwise they don't bother much. My sister wouldn't even let my oldest stepson stay at their house when my youngest was born (he was 17 at the time) because he would 'rowdy up the younger kids' and 'would want to ask her husband a lot of questions.' My husband and stepson would be very hurt if they knew that, because my stepson idolizes them, and calls them 'aunt and uncle' and my mom 'grandma' (he doesn't call me mom though...not that I would object to it, but I would never expect him to). Anyway, during that same visit, I had to convince my sis to also take my stepdaughter, who was 6 at the time, and the 17 year old was forced to stay alone at the house for a day and a half while we were 2 hours away at the hospital. ANYWAY, it hurts that they don't accept them the same way they do my own kids. I suspect it's because they don't want to get attached 'just in case me and my husband don't work out.' Their loss, really.

That is so wrong of your family to not except your family. I dont care if they are step children or not they are your family and your family should except it. All i can say is talk to them and find out why they are doing this. and if nothing else dont even bother with them. i know family probably means alot but for your family to do this to the kids it is wrong. good luck hope it gets better.

I don't think it is right to exclude your soon be husband's children (they are just kids). I can totally understand why both of you would be upset. From another side maybe they are not sure if this going to last. I have a sister that has been married 5 times. Everytime she gets married and divorced we have to take the family photos down etc. I am not saying that your family should treat "his" kids different then yours but maybe they are distancing themselves in case it doesn't work. I have no idea but this is just another slant on it.....They could just be hateful people. Maybe you can just sit down and talk it out. I hope everything works out.

G.,

Personally I agree with Jamie T; they are a part of your extended blended family. My third husband and I are truly a blended family. He has 4 grown sons; I have a daughter all from previous marriages and then there is our daughter. We don't treat any of the kids any different than the others. It is only fair.

I have a very similar experience just reverse. Marriage really does make a difference. My son was 4 when my husband and I got married. Before the ceremony he always called my husband by his first name but the moment the minister said it was official he has called him daddy ever since.

It has taken 3 years of marriage but most of his family have completly accepted my kids and the ones who do not are not involved in our family. Thier loss.

My suggestion is explain to your mom and grandmum that these kids are permently involved and you will not except favortism. If they cannot do this they will miss out on some wonderful moment with all the kids

This is the time to sit back and think over what your going to say to your grandmother/ mother first and then speak on it calm down I know your upset but talk to them with a clear head and let them know how you feel. If they don't see your point let it go they will be the one's missing out in the end not you after 2 years they should be alright about your step children and your soon2be

husband sometimes with some people it takes time
seems like your mother and grandmother fit this category and although it may hurt its gonna place you in a terrible position.

god bless you

T.,

well, here's my 2 cents worth......I am a step-mom (OR as we prefer to call me, a bonus mom, w/a 15 yr old bonus daughter) as well as, WE have a 5 yr old dd and 2 yr old dd.....I am also a the child of divorce and divorce and divorce-------Great combo huh? I not only ran into these issues growing up, but I did initially run into them at the beginning w/our oldest (15 yr old)...We let everyone know how we felt and then chose to create our own family holidays....Our families know where we live and are welcome any time, however, they are on our turf and can either live by our rules or not come at all.....Solved alot of problems. That way THEY are choosing their behavior and outcome. WE choose what is best for our children, all 3 of them-Our holiday traditions now largely consist of our friends-Great! They are sometimes the best "family" to have. Good luck and just remember, having a blended family is never easy, but it is doable........When you treat them as your own and love them, that is all that matters! Happy holidays. (PS the families may get upset, but do not be swayed by them...They need to accept your "rules"

OK, honestly your family (mother-grandmother) does not have emotional-biological ties to these soon to be step-children. They may NEVER feel the exact same way that they do for their grandchildren. I think it's unrealistic to expect them to have the exact same feelings and connections. You really can't force that.

It sounds like they just need to work on not being so vocal and obvious on treating them different. I sounds like when she thought on it she changed her mind on the Christmas amounts. That is only fair.

Thanksgiving dinner is really a hectic place to be addressing these issues, but I would definately talk to her about at least treating them the same and let her know you understand she may never feel the same or have the same emotional-biological connection as with your birth children.....but it could be harmful for the step-children to hear or see her treat them any less than your children. It's not the kids fault that they are in that situation.

Your fiancee is just going to have to understand they may never have the same feelings for his children, that it's nothing personal and you are addressing the issues of any rudeness or inconsideration towards his children.