Child Support

First, let me say, that I am not a single mom and have not had custody/child support issues. So, you can take this advice or not. You say that you remaining friends for the benefit of the child. I would approach him first, without the attorney involved (unless just to advise you). Tell him that you would like to agree on support for "Susie's" benefit. If he gets bitter, then involve the lawyer. I'm not a legal person, but I would think that if you agree on support, perhaps filing the legal papers together (with or without the lawyer), everyone would be much happier. I would think that if you involve a lawyer from the start without private discussion, he will get upset and then strain the relationship.

One last note: If he balks at paying child support, he may not be totally into "remaining good friends" agreement.

B.

If he truly is a good friend and father, he will not have qualms about financially supporting his child. When you bring it up, be sure to let him know (if he doesn't already) that child support is not one-sided: it is based on both parents' income, as well as how many nights per year the child spends with each parent.

My ex and I broke up when my son was 5 months old.We have never had court ordered support - - he pays willingly, even though we don't always see eye to eye.

Best wishes to you...

It's great that you're trying to put your daughter first by trying to keep the relationship amicable. However, provided you're not independently wealthy, I echo the others here - go to your Child Support Enforcement office

http://www.state.sc.us/dss/csed/

and have the child support taken directly from his paycheck,(and directly deposited into your bank acct, if you wish) at no cost to you. (You can check with your atty to see if your agreement with the courts should be listed in your custody agreement.) At first, that may sound adversarial, but if you explain to him that it is best for all of you (and why), it may ease things a little. That way, all of the stressful when to pay & how much, "I was sick", "I don't have the money" "There's no record of that" type stuff is handled between the courts and his employer and you two won't have the huge stress of talking about it every week or month. It's worth your weight (and more) in gold to let the state handle it for the rest of your daughter's childhood. It may very well spare your daughter undue future stress by not having to listen to the inevitable "conversations" about money.

(Also, if in the future, your (his or yours) income should drastically increase or decrease, you can ask the courts to readjust the amount of support, depending on your state's laws.)

As others have said, if he were truly your "friend" and a responsible parent, seems like he would have already been giving you child support.

Congrats on being proactive during a truly difficult time (many of us would prefer to bury our heads in the sand!), and best of luck to you.

Wow, personal experience with this one. My mom and dad wanted to part on good terms. My dad was paying for most everything like college, cars, etc., so my mom was pretty lax on the child support amount. It wasn't enough, but she was lenient, and he was a good dad and payed it and most everything else. Your child is 2 years old. You have 16 more years (plus college) of supporting this child and possibly others you may want to have if you get remarried and want more children. Hard as it may be to hear, your ex (and you) will both move on and things will not be as friendly as they may be now. Get what is legally required of his income and get it NOW in writing, legally. You are protecting your child (take you and him out of it) until she is old enough to support herself. A good portion of his income needs to go towards his child. If this causes stress between the two of you (I can't imagine there isn't already stress) consider it growing pains of the new situation. Do what is legally right and you won't question it later. Good luck....

Coming from someone who has dealt with this also, my advice would be to worry about you and your child. I would just let him know that you are filing for child support. If he doesn't like it, then that is too bad. He will, eventually get over it. You need to be sure you and your child can live comfortably. I know some people who have allowed the man to just make payments directly to them, but I highly advise against this, since I have seen so many people get hung out to dry because of this. If he falls on hard times or stops making payments, by the time it gets through court to have it ordered, alot of time has been wasted, and you won't see a penny of what wasn't paid because there is no record...only your word against his. I don't mean to sound this straight forward, but if he truly cares, then he will understand you are doing what is best for your child. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells forever just so he continues to help you financially-a court order will ensure you are taken care of regardless of your relationship.

Having said that, it is great you all continue to remain friends. I went through this with my son's father, and he didn't speak to me for about 6 months after I filed for child support. He eventually grew up and got over it and we get along fine now...but even with an order, there have been times he hasn't given me what he is supposed to...in the beginning out of spite, and later on because of hard times. Luckily, the order allowed for him to have to pay that, still. You have to remember...just because they fall on hard times or whatever the excuse is, doesn't give them reason not to pay...if you fell on hard times, you would still have to find a way to support your child. They should be held to the same standards. Good Luck!

K.,

Child support can be a touchy conversation but I believe it is one that has to be dealt with. The bottom line is your child needs to be taken care of. If there is a way to work it out without going to court, then I say go for it. But if he will not help you support your child on a constant and regular basis, then the court system is the way you have to go.

I gave my oldest daughter's father a lot of chances and he didn't give me the support I needed regularly. I finally went through the court system. He was very angry with me at first but eventually (after about a month), he got over it. Now the support comes directly out of his check and he takes very good care of her. If I really need it, he will even pay for things outside of his support.

Like I said earlier, the bottom line is your child needs to be taken care of. If he will not voluntarily do it, then the court system is the way to go.

K., I am sorry for your break-up. I know that it is hard even if you feel it is the right thing to do. It is great that you two are able to remain friendly. As for child support ... this is his duty and the law. It is his baby too after all.

Good luck!

D.
www.BizForMomsOnline.com

Trust me, as a single parent YOU WILL NEED IT. If he's a "friend" and the child's father he ought to ALREADY be paying you child support. You should DEMAND it if he's not. The longer you wait the less you'll get. And what happens when he has a new girlfriend who doesn't like your or your kid and wants you out of his life and he's willing to oblige because heck - she's giving him sex and you're not (hopefully). It's more advantageous for him to be obliging to her in such a scenario. Don't waste time. Go to court ASAP to secure support and work out a custody schedule. What if he decides to keep her longer than you agreed? If you don't have a custody order there is no legal recourse for you and you'll be trespassing legally if you step on his property without his permission. Once she's in school, he could come pick her up anytime at his discretion legally and there's nothing the school system could do if there is no custody order. What if he decides to take her out of state? If there is no custody order he can choose to do so without telling you where, why, how long, etc. Get moving woman! :)

Good luck!

No, it shouldn't at all. If he cares about his daughter then he should want to help by giving you child support. I have always been a single mom, and at first my daughters dad didn't want to pay at all, but he got over that and realized that it costs a lot to raise a child. Remind him that you also support your daughter with living expenses, and so on. It is good that you guys have decided to remain friends because it is the hardest on kids when their parents don't get along.

I was once in the same situation,and yes it ruined our "friendship". The minute I asked for child support he turned on me,He then thought 20$ A week was enough! The moment we went to court he tried to take custody of our 3yr. old. Thankfully that didn't happen.The judge saw right through him. Our relationship as friends has never been the same, 10yrs. later. He is currentley paying 75 a week.Good luck!
M., Huntington WVa,

File for child support ASAP! I have a dear friend who made the mistake of trusting that her daughter's father would be an upstanding dad and help out with money when it was necessary for their daughter. They were on friendly terms when she was born, but when my friend started dating someone, things started getting bad. Finally after 2 1/2 years of barely getting a penny out of him and struggling to do it all on her own, she got smart and filed for child support. Now 2 years later, he has gotten married and they are fighting to get custody just so he doesn't have to pay the child support. This is from a man who really had no interest in his daughter at all until he had to start paying child support. It has been an ugly battle between the two of them; and like the poster said below, it got worse once the child's father got remarried and their was another women in the picture. And the person who has suffered the most has been the 4 year old little girl. She has been abused and neglected by her step-mother, but because they have connections within the court system, things have been overlooked that shouldn't have been. My friend now has a good lawyer who is taking her seriously and looking at all her records and is getting things done.

I am sorry for rambling on, but for the sake of your daughter, file for child support now! And be sure to include everything like medical, clothing, school supplies, etc. It seems ridiculous, but all too often the person paying the child support will only pay exactly what the court orders and not a penny more. And if you don't include it now, it will be more difficult later on to get it adjusted.

I have experience on the other side. If not today, someday you will want to get the support. For dads benefit, do it now. If he doesn't start paying now when the day comes he will have to also pay back child support. Now there are new laws that are to get the dead beat dads that also punish those fathers who are paying child support but owe back support. The state keeps all tax returns and any bonuses from work over $50. Can be very costly.

My story-my husband didn't know about his son till he was 2 1/2...not a clue. He started paying child support and an extra $50 month to cover the back support that he now owed ($24,000). Since these new laws took effect we haven't seen a tax return or bonus from his work now in several years. Yes, they even take my portion of the tax return (fed. & state). But the debt is almost paid off!!

I have been in your shoes, it is scary! All stories are different but they are all the same. I was married to the father of my children so Child Support was easier, the attorney put in in our divorce decree. Although it was ordered 9 years ago, he did not pay until 3 years back. The arrearages were staggering!
Ironicly, I now work for our division of child support so I can tell you the process (for our area). I do not know where you live but in KY paternity MUST be establilshed for all fathers who were not married to the mother at the time of birth. This is done by first serving him with the paternity complaint, it is simple, he checks yes I am the father, no I am not the father. If he checks no, a DNA test is done in the office of all 3 parties. If he does not answer the complaint in 20 days, a default judgement is placed saying he is the father. In either case once his is named the father child support will be started. The easiest way is to have a wage assignment done, bring it directly out of his paycheck to the child support division which pays you. There is no hassle of remembering here. He must also carry health insurance on your daughter. This is KY law.
As far as bringing it up to him. Just let him know you are not after every penny of his money, you only want to make things fair between you. You should not resent him because you do all the work of raising your daughter and he gets to be the "super dad" on weekends. If he is your friend and still cares at all for the friendship, he will understand. I am sure his ego will be bruised a first, but at this point, you need to look at your daughter first, which is what you are doing! Be strong, Sister. This journey is the hardest most rewarding one you will ever make.
Best of luck,
C.
ps, you do NOT need an attorney to receive child support, your best bet is to go to your local child support office to file the nessecary paper work. In fact, an attorney will only do the same thing the office will do and charge you an armload for it. You will need an attorney to work out custody.

If you can decided on child support amicably, then great! Although things seem "friendly" right now, down the road, you never know what might happen. Try to explain that this will protect everyone involved, including him. If he gets bitter over child support, then that would tell me that there is definitely a problem that needs the court's attention. You need to protect yourself and your child. While you are at it, get visitation on record, too.

I would be careful about broaching the subject of child support. If you can work out to have him provide an amount to you without involving the courts, it may be to your benefit. I have a friend who was getting some money from the father of her child, though not as much as she felt she should get and when she took him to court and had the court order child support, the amount the court decided was half of what he had been paying her to begin with. If you have an attorney though, I'm sure they can advise you the best course to take. You have to provide for you and your daughter in any way that you can, and if that makes the father of your child a little bitter, then he needs to grow up. I would think that any father would be happy to provide child support to his daughter. It's actually better for him to do it through the court that way he has proof that he's been supporting his daughter and it can't come back to bite him later on. (back support) It's really to everyone's benefit, and I'm sure if you explain it to him that way, and let him know what your intentions are ahead of time, that he will accept the inevitable.

Hey K., I'm sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out but admire you for remaining friendly with him. My advice...don't say the words "child support" at all. Use the terms "housing help" and "living costs." Any one who hears the words "child support" automatically put up their defenses. It has gotten such a bad rap. He obviously needs to help his daughter even though he doesn't live there. (Is he only seeing her part-time?) Bring it up in a casual way. If he freaks...forget it and let your attorney deal with it. Good luck to you! Stay strong!

Good Morning K.. I see that you already posted a reply, but I wanted to let you know that honestly, you can't think of your feelings or your ex's feelings. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is for your daughter. Even if you were well off and didn't need the money, you should still have him pay support for the child you BOTH created, and it could even be put in a bank account for her...great college funds! I am sure that if you talk to him about it, since you are trying to stay friends, he will keep an open mind. Make sure that if you go through a lawyer and decide to not go through the courts, that you buy a receipt book....you give him a reciept for everything he buys for her, help with an electricity bill, or money itself. My husband and I just went to court and since we didn't have all the reciepts and proof before a child support order was placed, he has to pay all 11 years back support on top of his monthly current. This is VERY important. That way you both have a copy. Another thing...my daughters father pays me through the courts every month, and my daughter is now 9 years old...and I have never renewed the case, so he pays the same amount every month. As your child gets older, you can request them to renew the case every 3 years I believe. And it is a HUGE chunk additionally that he would have to pay....my honest opinion, would be to definately do the receipts if not through court, but if he ever decides to get into another relationship, it could hurt you, where you are used to having money come in, because it could stop if not court ordered. I wish you and your daughter and your ex a happy ending. Not all people are as bad as they think. It sounds like the two of you are going to try to make the friendship work, and I am proud of you for saying so. May God bless the three of you!

Well, if talking to him about financially supporting his own child "ruins" your friendship then I'd say you didn't have much of a friendship. Not only is he morally obligated to support a child he chose to bring into this world, but he is also legally responsible. Hope everything works out for you.

You can't be worried about what his reaction is, unless you are wealthy you will need some help financially. With that said, when you approach him the first time I would not mention the fact that you already have a lawyer. I think that it would send a message of "aggression". See if you can come up with a plan that suits you both and then make that plan legal. Without knowing what the specifics of your past relationship with this person is and what the current terms of it are don't be surprised if it is strained. Many of these situations are not too pleasant. Remember to always keep your child's well being and happiness the most important thing!
Good luck!

Glad to see you have gotten an attorney. They will be able to give you the details of the law for your state. I would be pretty sure that paternity would assure some support. Is there a father listed on the birth certificate? That would be pretty telling! Men like to slip out of things with no consequences for their actions. This will be a life long battle with this man, so just be prepared. The "friendship" will not last, so be prepared for that as well.
Good luck and will be interested to hear how the attorney visit goes.

Children are expensive to raise. If you are not independently wealthy you will need child support. Get an attorney. File for child support. Inform him right before he is going to get served papers so that you are not springing it on him. If it ruins your friendship, then he was never your "friend."

Well you have to look at it like this, which is more important? You should try talking to him and if he is hesitant to give you any go to Child Support Enforcement. No matter what he should help you financially with your child.

If you have a good caring relationship with your ex. why not sit down and talk with him about his thoughts on this. He should absolutly provide child support but he should also have visitation rights too. My daughter's ex husband pays very little and has their son every other weekend, a week during the summer and over Thanksgiving. It is a hurtful time for all and bickering over money and visits is something that needs to be avoided. Speaking with him gives him the chance to tell his feelings and hopefully make arrangements that will benefit your precious child but also each other.
God bless you, hope things go well.

if you have benefits through the state for your child they will automatically take it out. so that can be a point where you say i didnt they did....otherwise just dont tell him have your lawyer send the papers. good luck

Dear K.,
If asking for child support ruins the "friendship" and makes him bitter towards you, you have no friendship.

I agree with all of the other posters who say that you MUST be aggressive now about getting the child support and visitation spelled out by an attorney.
If your daughter is 2 years old, you separated 2 months ago, and child support has not been discussed yet, I am sure that he has not brought it up deliberately. "The silence is deafening."

Regarding visitation:
Thirty years ago, my husband had no reason to believe that there was any problem with the separation agreement and visitation schedule that he had with his son. Out-of-state issues had never been brought up.
Then, twenty-four years ago, my husband flew to Europe. I was still home and preparing to travel to meet him there.
The night after my husband left, I received an anonymous phone call. The caller, I later learned, was a disgruntled employee of my stepson's stepfather (ex-wife's new husband's employee).
She was calling to tell us that the other family was planning a move to California while we would be vacationing in Europe and were we aware of that? No, we were not aware.
I called my husband's lawyer, who called the ex-wife's lawyer, who called the ex-wife and learned that it was true. Much to the dismay of the ex and the stepdad, my husband flew home and was able to revise the separation agreement.
Yes, they were planning to "disappear", knowing that we would eventually locate them is a state that had different laws.

Good luck.

Does it really matter if he gets annoyed with you? Your child will need the financial support. The father is probably wondering when it will come up. It is proper and right to go through the legal system as soon as possible with this. If something happens in the next few years, you need as much legal backing as possible. Money is a sticky thing.

Well, it might. But he'll have to get over it. Best to take care of business, talk to him about it, and sue him for it if necessary. Depending on your income, the state will help you collect for free or for a small fee. I've seen men be happy with paying child support, men who get mad then get over it, and men who still refuse to pay. So, it really could go any way. Good luck! Child support is relatively easy, and you could probably do it without an attorney (especially if you get help from the state office). Attorneys are EXPENSIVE, and IMHO, they have only ever made relationships between parents more strained. Good luck!

It may make him bitter. It shouldn't becuase its his right as a father to help support the child. I have two daughters... girls are expensive. My X was ok with it and to this day makes excuses sometimes about why he does not have the money but we do remain friends for the girls sake. You need to first contact child support enforcement located at Executive Center drive in Charlotte. You will need to bring her birth cert.showing his name on the document and some other forms. You may have one or two court dates , I am not sure. Call them they will tell you what all you need.
Remember to tell him its not for you but for the care of your daughter.
Good luck
A. B

Especially if you mutually ended things on a friendly note, I think it would be preferable to approach the father in a nonconfrontational fashion about the issue of child support. You might want to make a list of all the things that the father may have already been helping with financially that directly affect the quality of your daughter's life and remind him that even though you two have split, his little girl still needs to be taken care of, which is something you shouldn't have to do alone. He probably won't be thrilled with the discussion, but if he has a lick of decency he will recognize his responsibility to his child. If he refuses or if he is noncommital, then let him know that you will be pursuing it through the courts for her sake. Not to be discouraging, but if he is someone who will be offended by being asked for money, even if it is for his daughter, your friendship will most likely not be salvageable. Money is just one of those issues that tend to drive wedges between people, particularly in cases where long standing obligations outlive the desire for a relationship.

Dear K.,
WHO CARES! He has a responsibility to that beautiful little 2 year old he contributed the genes to and if he is bitter about it, it was inside him all along! You don't "make him bitter" by expecting him to grow up and be man enough to be a father! I am proud of you for finally taking the steps you needed to for the benefit of your daughter and I know it's not easy to do that. Are you plugged into a good church family or have some other support people around you? If not, I would encourage you to do that because you will need much support through all this transition. I will be keeping you in my prayers too! If you're not in church and can watch online, go to my church in the comfort of your own home. The address is www.rwoc.org and the service times are 9 & 12 noon on Sunday and 7 PM on Wedesdays. You will not be bored! ;-)

You have every right to ask for child support. He helped to create your child and he has a resposibility to help take care of her. I think you should go ahead and do what you need to do in order to take care of your daughter. Good luck.

K.,
I don't care if it is uncomfortable, you need help supporting your child and he is the father. The father is responsible just as you are.

Hi K.,

Sorry that things didn't work out with your daughter's father, but she didn't create herself. The two of you created her and the two of you are responsible for taking care of her. You shouldn't feel bad about asking him to contribute to the support of his own child. I think it's not what you say, it's how you say it. How badly do you need the child support? The more you need it, the quicker you're going to have to bring up the subject. If you plan on remaining friends, I can't imagine that he hasn't already thought about support - maybe he's just hoping you won't ask about it. Can he afford it? If you take him to court, you will get support, that's the law. I think everyone would hope that you don't have to do that, but actually, you may want a legal document just in case the "friends" idea doesn't work out. I would try to bring up the subject in a non-threatening way, but if you have to, go to court. Your child deserves the support. Good luck! L.

Well it probably will put a damper on things but if he fathered a child he should expect to help support it. You didn't make the baby on your own so you shouldn't be expected to take ALL of the responsibilies, unless of course he has the child EXACTLY 1/2 the time so that he has to buy 1/2 the cloths, 1/2 the babysitter, 1/2 the food, 1/2 the extra added utilities and 1/2 the doctor bills, etc.

Yes, you probably run the risk of hurting your relationship with the child's father, but what would be more tragic is if your child suffered in any way because his father did not help support him financially. If your child's father cares at all about his child, he shouldn't mind having to pay support - court ordered or not. And on that note, ALWAYS go through the court system for child support. It is always best for both parties.

If there is a way to have joint custody then neither one of you will owe the other any child support and you both get to spend great time with your daughter. If that will not work then I would talk to him, not the attorney and see if you and him can work out an agreement. It will be easier on him if he does not have to go through the court to pay and will help you out in the staying friends area.

If you truly have a good relationship, it shouldn't affect anything. If he does get mad, don't worry about it, take him to court. With that being said, I would sit him down one day and say, "we need to talk about how you will be supporting the baby, do you want to try to agree and see if that works or do you think we should go ahead and do it through the courts just at income tax time, we can trade every other year?" "I trust you that you will do what you say so I am willing to try it like that if you are and if for some reason that does not work, we can get attorneys"
Don't be too nice, he can use it against you later if and when he falls in love w/ someone else, has more kids, etc If you make good money and aren't that worried about money, just make a deal that he pays 1/2 of daycare, 1/2 of school, 1/2 of insurance, etc
W.

At the very least ask him to come up with an agreed amount weekly and on who will carry ins and dental and how "incidentals" (out of pocket medical, deductibles,daycare) will be handled. Have it notarized. It's only fair. You didn't make this baby alone. It will save problems in the future. it should be revised at least every 3 years. If he defaults, sue for support. you and your child deserve assistance. It's very very hard raising a child alone

K. this is an important issue. If you are not already seeing a counselor, I recommend that you find a family counselor that you are comfortable with. Although, you did not have a marriage license, you were in a committed relationship - emotionally you were married. You are going through a divorce! There are many important issues that you need to discuss. If you don't clarify these issues - it will be hard to have a friendship - much less be co-parents to your daughter.
If he won't work with you, especially when it comes to best interest of his child. It is not likely that you can have a healthy "friendship" with this man.

Your child needs to eat everyday, not when or maybe if Dad
decides to send money.

Arrange for legal, prompt, court-ordered court support NOW. You WONT regret it.

K.~Having just gone thru the same exact thing, I have to tell you the most important thing in all of this is your CHILD!! I too did not want to upset the "balance", but when you're eating out of your family's frig and having to ask for help from friends, you do what you have to. He's going to be bitter~no matter what you do. It is his legal responsibility to help w/your child. Bring it up, if he gets nasty or hateful just go file the papers. It takes a while to get a court date but it is worth the wait. DON'T hesitate!! Your child is the issue here not his feelings or the "friendship". The judge told my ex those words yesterday!! Good Luck~

It isn't a friendship if it ends due to the fact you are trying to take care of your daughter. I can't stress that enough.
He supported her while he was living with the two of you and if he isn't living there, she does not all of a sudden become just yours.
I'm not trying to sound harsh but you have 20 plus more years to provide for her if she continues schooling past high school. It's a long road to go it alone.

It will have to be brought up their is no easy way of bringing it up. Yes it is helpful if you can remain civil or even friends because you will have to deal with each other for the rest of your child's life. But what is really the issue is your child and her well-being which means he will have to be financially responsible for taking care of her also. I hate to say it but so what if he decides not to remain friends she is his responsibility too and he has to help. I put it off for months waiting for my ex husband to do it on his own so don't wait for him to do it on his own after you have discussed child support. If you two can come to an agreement without involving the courts good, but if he can't do right by his child then do what you have to do and get your attorney involved.