It is a great neighborhood, great schools, and if we don't buy this house -- I definitely love the neighborhood. Immediately, the 6 year old little girl next door has become a good friend of my girls. She has eaten dinner over several times already (the second night we lived here -- pizza). We had a bake sale to get to know other kids in the neighborhood, and she helped. Basically, every day except Mondays -- she'll come knock on the door.
She has two older sisters, but they live with their father & visit every other Wednesday & weekend.
She is a respectful little girl, and I"m a former teacher -- so I like a lot of kids playing together & I'm thrilled my kids are making friends so quickly. My girls really like her -- most of the time.
Since we've moved here (2 weeks ago & 4 days now), I talked to the father for 10 min. & the mom for 5 minutes. Both work & are a bit standoffish. (We're "leasing" the home for a year & a half (may or may not buy it) so I've heard some people don't like that.)
My husband spoke to the father for 10 minutes last Saturday outside while they were both doing yardwork. I did allow my girls to go next door, but the mom was out of town last Sunday & the dad was outside.
My girls came home saying their new friend would not let them touch a lot of her toys. So I'm a bit happy they'd rather play over here so that I can be aware of what is going on.
THE PROBLEM -- (sorry I thought you needed background info) -- Our new friend -- who 50% of the time -- is a great visitor -- now the other 50% of the time I hear her bossing my 5 year old daughter around. My 5 yr. old already has a 7 yr. old sister who does that, so she'll have no part of it & they end up arguing.
THe worst (and saddest) part is that my daughters are now fighting a lot more because their new friend seems to only want to play with my older daughter. (Our new friend also leaves when an older friend rides her bike by & that makes both of my girls sad. Saturday after the bake sale, I ended up taking them out for ice cream when that happened because it is tough to move during the school year when you are a little kid.)
This situation makes me so sad because there is only a 20 mo. difference between my girls & they always were the best of friends. I know as they age they will make different friends. But our new neighbor now seems to be causing more problems than good. I was informed by a neighboring nanny that our new friend's mom is very sensitive & not easy to approach about anything (she's a therapist i was told -- funny -- huh?) -- also, she doesn't seem to around very much -- the dad seems to be home more. I feel uncomfortable approaching them anyway, although I would like to know them a bit more since our daughters play so much together.
I talked to my daughters, especially my older one (7) & told her that if our new friend is "mean" to my 5 year old -- she cannot come play & I really & truly will send her home (7 year old's response: tears/crying -- no i want to play with her).
Neither daughter wants our new friend sent home because, as I said, 50% of the time she's fun.
Honestly, I don't want to be THAT involved in little girl situations, but it does break my heart to see my younger daughter so sad during these playdates.
Yesterday I decided that we'll go to the park every Wed. when they are out of school early. I even happened to find a playgroup at an area park, so that's our new destination. And Monday's our friend next door has activities & isn't home.
So now I just have to worry about Tues/Thurs & maybe Fridays -- oh, & the weekends -- Saturday afternoon after soccer & Sunday afternoon.
So DO I LEAVE the problem in my daughter's hands and let them work it out & if I hear the playdate going downhill -- send the little girl home each time until she "gets" it -- or until all the girls understand (if they ever will)?
OR
DO I talk to all of them & explain that if they can't ALL play nicely, then they can't all play?
I'm trying to be logical & rational & not blame our new friend for the playgroup spats. But, as a teacher, I can see (and hear) that she is bossy & wants my older daughter (7) to herself. I realize this stems from her own family situation, but I have so much on my plate right now -- do I really need to teach our new friend as well? (I guess, i answered my own question -- "yes, it takes a village, right?")
Any advice would be appreciated. I don't need any more drama in my life:)And, perhaps, I am just not seeing the situation clearly enough.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I wrote 4 "playdate rules" -- #1 IF there are 3 girls, no teams.
I sat down on the floor with the girls & they read the rules with me.
Our new friend next door was more enthusiastic than my girls!!!
Yes, children who have no boundaries or interested parents -- truly do seem to want them. Actually, our next door neighbor was better at adhering to the playdate rules than my 5 year.
I hung a copy in both girl's room & everything went pretty well UNTIL......I said "let's go outside & get some fresh air." Before I was even out the door, our next door neighbor friend (6) "chose" my oldest (7) to be on her "team." Then my youngest daughter (5) called inside and said, "Mom? Do those playdate rules go for outside too?" I replied a resounding "YES." Problem seemed to be solved.
Yahoo! Thanks for waking up my "mommy" spine & also for helping me realize that I can have a relationship with our new little friend too......although I feel overwhelmed with my own children, this little one needs a friend as well & it doesn't take too much effort.
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S.R.
answers from
Orlando
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It is incredibly difficult to access our childrens emotions without aotomaticaly taking them as our own.
But only with distancing those emotions, and not responding to to them as if they are one in the same, can we really know how to handle the situation as an adult.
What I have found works well in my home is to establish a relationship with those children (that aren't our flesh and blood) in order to keep not only my emotions in check, but also how I handle the situation. I have found that having a one on one relationship with the childs friend helps me with my communication, because I don't feel it will be misinterpreted when it comes to telling them right from wrong.
Protect your childrens hearts but create your own bound with the other little girl so that she doesn't feel threatened or misunderstood when she is under your loving roof.
Those of us who have so much love and time to give it, should have the extra room in our our hearts to give freely were it is needed.
-S. Reynolds
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L.W.
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I say don't hesitate to interfere when you see injustice. Letting children "work it out for themselves" too often results in bullies ruling the playground. If parents don't enforce civil behavior, no one will. Maybe you don't have to send her home at the first infraction; a gentle warning (followed by a stern warning, then expulsion if necessary) that "we don't treat people like that at our house" would be appropriate. Children are amazingly adaptable to someone else's rules, if they're firmly and consistently enforced. Of course you have to enforce them with your own children, too.
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C.B.
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HI Tara
For some reason, we get married, have kids and then turn back in to kids ourselves and forget we are the PARENTS....sent to teach and train up our KIDS and not the other way around! YOu need to set the tone and standard in your house for your kids..and if others come over...they adhere to YOUR rules/regulations or go home..to their territory and act however they wish or how their parents let them...but as for you and your house and your girls/kids....teach them what is acceptable, what is right, etc....I have five..kids all around all the time and they KNOW that I don't play! no disrespect, bad words, leaving someone out, being unfair, calling names, nothing! period. and if some other mom or dad doesnt like it or appreciate my rules...then take your little johnny home and keep him away from my kids. period! i expect the same from my kids...when they are at someone elses home...follow their rules..as long as they meet our standard and dont go against our beliefs! otherwise, come back home immediately. and guess what...it works...and i have fifteen kids at my house all at once, playing ball, wii, etc...and little to NO fights or names or tears! amazing! kids do as we say....and if you give them the ground to be bossy or nasty to any of the kids..they will....with joy! so tell the little girl and your girls/boy...what the rules are...and intervene at all times....with wisdom! always reminding them of the rules/regs OR they cant play...so they change and adhere or go home or get punished. no one makes their sibling feel sad...and its NOT ok! period! treat others as you want to be treated...go back to the basics...it makes sense and you know it! you want the same...so just do it and dont whimp out to kids or their parents...draw the line and stand your ground! our society NEEDS it mom! and the kids CRAVE it...my house is proof!! i get all walks of life, all home situations...but its "yes ma'am, no sir" respect and fun....or dont come over! they love it and so do it....i love kids! you do to...so set the tone! and watch the joy come back!
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B.E.
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Orlando
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Tara, as I read your email...it brought me back to my own childhood. I am 3 years older than my sister...and she IS my BEST friend, to this day. (We are now turning 38 & 35 next month). But we went through exactly the situation your daughters are going through. B/C I was older, many times her friends wanted to play with me, especially when we had slumber parties. I think that's completely normal. For the most part...I would recommend letting all the girls work it out on their own. That's what my Mom did ~ and actually, we are still friends with several of the girls involved way back then. When everyone is playing at your home, of course, I would remind everyone of the rules of sharing, etc. I wouldn't get the parents involved ~ right now it seems like innocent power struggles that are common with children at this age and if you allow them to work it out on their own ~ you will have instilled great negotiation tactics that will help them in adulthood. Good luck & God Bless!
A little about me: I have been happily married for 13 1/2 years and have b/g twins that just turned 3.
P.S. I just read Cary B.'s response and I love it, too. Obviously, if the situation is getting to resemble bullying, I would step in as well. I totally respect anyone that can handle such a large group of children. (God has blessed you Cary). See which tactic works best for you and go with it. Best of luck!
