Certain Family Members Who Miss EVERYTHING, Because They Are" Busy"

You have a "right" to feel however you wish, but yes, it's petty.

Do you have fun at their events? Then go. If you don't, don't go.

Don't make anything a tit for tat, it's not worth it. Just have fun in life, and let others do what they wish, (within reason).

You both have different expectations. It sounds like between both families there would be events every month. It can get to be too much. How about combining all spring/summer birthdays and then fall/winter birthdays.

I so understand where you are coming from. We use to see my brother at least once a week. We'd have his wife over for dinner all the time (my brother travels for work a lot). Well, since he left his wife for his high school sweetheart, we NEVER see him. he wouldn't miss bday parties, but I stopped invited them to dinner because they were always "so busy."

It's sad. we were super close. Now? We never talk.

I guess I must be selfish. Nephews don't override our activities. My family and MY kids come first. Period. If someone's plans do not fit into a schedule I already have, I don't cancel. It's not fair to my family, who is the priority.

If you don't want to attend their events, that's totally your right. It's also their right to believe that their own children, are more important than yours are to them.

A lot of siblings do not live on each others door steps.
They get married, start their own families, live their own lives and rarely see each other.
You feel there should be a balance (we visit you for your thing, you should visit us for our thing, etc) and they don't see it that way.
So change your outlook and expectations.
Since they easily cancel for your events (they are just not that into you), it should be just as easy to cancel for theirs - not out of spite - but because you're just not that into them.
Free yourself from it.
Put them on your Christmas card list and see them maybe once a year or once every few years.
Believe me - MANY families handle things this way.

Additional:
Oh - it "Bothers" them if you don't go to their event?!
Just parrot back (paraphrase) to them what ever excuse they gave the last time they ditched you.
Try not to laugh too much when you do.
Let their attitude and hurt feelings act slide right off you.

When you marry, you create a new family unit - often the old family you came from eventually dissolves away.
The family you create and maintain - that grows old with you (your husband and you) - THAT'S the family that matters now.

It sounds like their kids are quite a bit older than yours since your husband "was tight" with them before you came along. You'll understand more when your kids get to be that age - but life gets extremely hectic with older kids. Mine are 9 & 11, between soccer, school, extracurriculars, church, and friends we rarely have a night off during the week and weekends are consumed with games and tournaments. No, we can't miss them, it's competitive sports and they have to be there plus we spend a ton of money on it. If we do have time off more often than not I am not inclined to get in the car and drive somewhere (much less 4 hours) to see family - I'm tired! Put their behavior aside and ask yourself if the party is something you would enjoy or would be meaningful to your family. If yes, then go. If no, then stay home. But cut her some slack, you'll appreciate it when she cuts you slack in a few years and you suddenly understand where she was coming from.

Sorry, but 4hrs away is still 4hrs away and I would not be willing to make that drive but quarterly - I love my family but seriously ... sigh. Heck, my family just celebrates what they want when they want so when I come out to see them (I moved away) we smash in birthdays, holidays, and all other celebrations in that visit and call it "ThanksMas!" it works for us - see if it can work for you.

I don't live far from my family and I seriously cannot believe that you expect them to come to everything you've mentioned....birthday parties for kids that old are for friends only, families don't celebrate kids birthdays like that. The kids want to have their parties with their friends and not a bunch of old people...lol.

I think they should have planned and attended the fundraiser if it was for something they support. If your husband was running for office or something like that then they should have been there. If it was just a thing for charity then they just chose to not support that charity.

I think I'd have different things going on and not attend their stuff, seriously, they have shown you over and over they are not interested in your family. I'd just finally understand that and next time they invite you to something I'd simply say "That's okay sweetie, I know you guys don't really want us there. So let's just say we are busy that night and then you don't have to dread seeing us again".

Oh please, if they get upset when YOU miss something, just use the same lines THEY use.
"Oh sorry you were sad we couldn't make it, we were sorry when you couldn't make it to our house/party too."
I actually have pretty good relationships with my in laws but when it comes to day to day family life and friends, we count more on the people we are actually CLOSE to.
Meaning my kids invite their friends to their birthday parties, not their cousins and grandparents.
Is THAT weird?

Re your SWH: Mom, what would happen if you actually answered their question, "Did we do something wrong?" Honestly? Would the sky fall down? Would the world end?

No, it wouldn't. You could say "Well, yes, as a matter of fact. You couldn't be bothered to make time for our kids at abcdefghi, (be specific)yet you expect us to make time above everything else for you. I'm tired of disappointing our children." And let the chips fall where they may. You just don't have to keep putting up with this.

Original:
I don't actually think you're childish for not wanting to put yourself out there for them so much. It's just plain painful for you for them to not reciprocate, as if your family doesn't matter.

Other than when you have birthdays at your home, WHEN do you see them? At the parents' house? At other family member's houses? I think that perhaps what you should do is just expect to see them there, rather than inviting them to your home.

At some point if they ask you why they weren't invited to something, just kindly say "Because you never come when we invite you, so we didn't bother you with an invitation."

you point out the birthday parties they've missed, which looks to me as if they HAVE made it to a lot of them.
i don't go to all my niece and nephews birthday parties, nor did i keep track as to how many family members attended ours. we always assumed that probably more often than not, other people have busy lives that can't be dropped, especially for kid parties (kids want other kids) and, gods above and below, fundraiser parties.
i do think you're being childish. if you don't want to go their party, don't. and don't hold them to silly expectations. and really- don't play spiteful tit-for-tat games.
ETA- just saw they are FOUR HOURS AWAY! ye gods! :O
khairete
S.

I'm sort of with Bug . . . my kids' stuff comes first, even over my nieces and nephews (though unfortunately we live far away from them but even if I lived close I'd have that approach). If we can all make it work - great - but if we can't that's OK too.

That being said, I'm surprised that they are miffed when you can't make their stuff. That seems self-centered.

I think you have a right to your feelings, whatever they are. However, I'm not sure I'd say anything to them or boycott their party out of spite. Now, if it's inconvenient to go for some reason then don't go. But don't create negative energy over it.

I think I'd be a little more hands-off with all of it too . . . not distant but not overly invested either. And just continue to be kind when you are together.

JMO.

I would personally stop attending every event they host - I'd attend only if I had nothing else to do and if it sounded like a good time. My husband has two brothers that live out of town - one is a two hour drive away and since they cry poor constantly my in-laws insist on paying for their gas here and back home again and the other brother lives an hour flight away and since he and his wife work for an airline their family of five flies for free - yet we only see them on their kids birthdays and of course sometime around Christmas (and my in laws host all of the parties and actually get themselves a hotel so my BIL's families can stay at their home but then complain once they've left of how much it cost them). Before we had kids my husband and I always attended everything and brought very nice gifts for all seven of the nieces and nephews UNTIL we had our first born and neither brother could be bothered to attend anything for our kids. I also must add that my in laws didn't offer to host any of our kids parties like they do for my BIL's but that's another post LOL Neither family would rsvp or attend so guess what ..... the inviting has stopped! They still manage to come up for their kids birthdays (and presents) but we rarely attend anymore. We will attend if we have nothing else to do which isn't too often =) It used to really bother me but it honestly doesn't get to me anymore now that we don't drop everything when they come to town.

To answer your question I think you have a right to feel hurt by their actions because it's rude! I'd give them a taste of their own medicine and you'll see how much better you feel!

I think the bottom line is just that you have different views of what is most important to you. For you, family comes first and a family event should override anything else. For them, their immediate family (just the parents and their own children) comes first. Their events - whether it's a soccer game, a birthday party for a friend, a work event, etc - are what matter's the most. They don't feel that their children should have to miss something for a family party.

I can understand why you feel slighted and hurt by them, especially since you make such an effort to attend their functions. They probably give you a hard time for missing something because it's so rare that you do. They obviously know how important it is to you, so they think that if you miss something, it's because you're mad at them or making a point or something like that.

I say this nicely, but I think you need to let it go. You need to understand that your priorities are different and, no matter how much it means to you, they are not going to put your family first. I don't think I would drive four hours every single time a niece/nephew had a birthday party, especially since it sounds like you have at least three kids. If they were local, it would be different.

You have three choices:
1. Talk to them about it. Tell them you're hurt and say that you hope they'll make more of an effort for some of the bigger occasions.
2. Let it go. Understand that you have different priorities and that isn't going to change no matter what you do.
3. Stay mad and stew about it, getting increasingly irritated every time they blow you off.

It's up to you.

I feel like I could've written this post myself! We only live about 45 minutes from my BIL and his family but they are ALWAYS busy. In their case it's either their work schedule (that can be changed when it's for something they WANT to do, but never for our family - parents included in that) or they're doing something with my BIL's wife's family (they're very close with her side of the family). My husband and I have tried for years to connect with them but we've finally come to the conclusion that they have absolutely no interest in us or our family. They constantly miss our events and unfortunately, we usually miss theirs. It's probably/hopefully not true but it feels like they intentionally plan their events when they know we are not able to attend - we had a family wedding the week before their daughters birthday, which we told them about 6 months in advance and guess when they planned her birthday party? Same thing for another party... we had a family trip planned to Disney World the week after their daughters birthday, which we also told them about 6 months before and yep... you guess it, that's when they planned the party. It is what it is. We're done trying. It's unfortunate, but when someone has absolutely no interest in you, family or otherwise, it's time to throw in the towel. Best of luck to you and your family. :)

You have two choices. High road or low road. Regardless of what THEY do, you have to decide for yourself.

I wouldn't drive fours hours one way for a kids birthday party. I wouldn't drive fours hours one way unless I was spending the night, period.

How often do you see them? Does it really matter WHERE you see them? You have to decide these things for yourselves. Some people do fill up every weekend with activities and if their kids are older you can't just skip it in many cases. How does a relatives birthday party trump being the starting pitcher on a travel team or missing a dance competition? Should it be more important than a family vacation?

As kids grow it is really hard to find time to do everything. In my world our nuclear family comes first.

Yeah, it kinda sucks that they don't make an effort, but what do they have going on? Are their kids part of a sports team? If so, it is not fair for the kids to constantly miss games/practices. Maybe they are trying to teach their kids the importance of being on a team and commitment. Do you realize that any extracurricular activities have to be paid for? My children do swimming lessons...I very rarely allow them to miss them because they are expensive and I have to pay either way. Do you expect them to sit at home then on the off chance that there will be a family event to attend in the future? Not very realistic.

I too put my little family before anything else. I would personally pull back with them and stop the invites. You can see them around the holidays. Obviously, the ideal would be a happy medium, but it is unrealistic to expect them to come to every single event.

Hmmm. 4 hour drive. Yes, they should make it to important things (funerals, weddings), and they should try to see you guys once or twice per year for sure. But I'm in the camp that every little child's birthday is not important to adult relatives. I never invite family to my kid's birthdays (they live far away) just friends. Also, I didn't have one year birthday parties and two year birthday parties-or even 3 year ones aside from little celebrations at home. So if someone invited me to a one year old's birthday party 4 hours away, I wouldn't even entertain possibly going. Not that every life isn't precious, but you get my drift.

What if they came to ALL your kids' birthdays? Wouldn't that be a bit excessive at 4 hours away if you guys were also going to see them at their stuff?

I would only count the big stuff, and even then, I would base it on how many times they see you on average per year, not which events.....

Now if you make sure to do all their kid's birthdays and every little event, and they get mad if you ever miss anything, then that's not fair. So you do need to even the playing field. But I can tell you, I have NO friends or family who expect me to be at all those events, and I could never manage it or expect it of them either.

If they NEVER get together with you, then yes, you need to stop making an effort for them as well.

My husband has a twin brother in another state. They've always been close. They still are. Sometimes years go by when they haven't seen each other. Sometimes they don't speak other than emails for a year or so. The last time my husband visited that part of his family his brother went out of town with his wife so they didn't even see each other. Was that a problem for either of them? no. They're brothers.

Sounds like you guys are super sensitive about this and need to have open communication about it with their family so you guys can work it all out.

My perspective is different. My parents and brother live in Europe and my sister while in the US is 6 hour away. We never have family at birthday parties, we just send pictures. We live our own lives and share as much as we can, skype at times and visit when we can. But my brother would never call me so I call him and he seems to enjoy our chats as do I. Perhaps the rest of your family does not feel this need you have to share with family all the time, and their social & emotional needs are met within their own family or with their local friends. Just because you are family does not mean you have to hang out all the time. I would encourage you to do what YOU enjoy, and if that includes driving 4 hours to see your family then do so. I would also be very blunt when they complain that you did not show (as you state they do): just say you feel like you have made lots of effort to come their way and they never make any effort to come your way and you simply could not make it this time.

I wouldn't go either. It stinks, but I wouldn't go.

Why did you wait so long?... that is my only question.

No, I don't think it is childish. I think it is smart. You put a different value on such things than they do, it seems. Not everyone in every family has the same expectations about "family events".

For example, in my family, none of my siblings have EVER come to one of my kids' birthdays. But then, we don't expect them to, either. They live 5 hours away, and we don't and never have made them "full family events". If they didn't have a "kids party" then it was mostly just us. Even first birthdays. My brother is the same. I have been at my niece's family birthday party twice. She is one of 4, and just turned 21. It isn't because I don't love her. It just has only happened to work out that we were in the vicinity on her birthday those 2 times. Nobody's feelings are hurt about it, to my knowledge.

Maybe your brother is more ambivalent about these events simply because he doesn't look at them the same as you, and isn't about YOU and how he does or doesn't value you and your family. ?

---

Oh, ok. So they are narcissists then.

8 hours round trip for a kids birthday party!?! I would be surprised if they came and it also surprises me that you go there. They certainly should not put a guilt trip on you for not attending though.

I understand that you are feeling hurt. Don't take it personally, they have different priorities. Don't miss the party because you are angry because they are not even going to notice. Miss the party if you have other plans. The only one hurt by not going is you and your family.

My family lives with in 20 miles of each other. I see my brother at my moms. My hubbys family, we don;t see his one brother very often, but he lives 2 mins down the road from us. Each person has a different set of priorities.

Think about your options.

Well, your HUSBAND, should be talking to them and asking them why.

Don't assume anything, until you actually know the reason.
And being that is your Husband's family, HE should be talking to them about it

I totally get it ~ my FIL missed our youngest ones b-day party this year. When my SIL called & asked what he was doing, why he didn't come, he said he was sitting at home staring at the walls! My hubby talks to his dad every day (my MIL passed away), we live 30 min. away, and the weather was good. 30 min. is close compared to the 6 & 1/2 hrs. he drives every month to visit his sisters out of state.

One of my BIL & his family live in AZ (we're in OH). They don't send b-day cards to our kids (let alone gifts).

We see our hubby's best friend (& our youngest one's godfather) & his family 2x/year. It's always the same every year ~ the 1st wknd. in August & New Years. They live out of state & it's hard to get together a lot. They missed the August visit. When he called a week or so later, I made a comment that it was too bad that they missed it, especially since we've been doing it for 13 YEARS, so it's not like it was something new.

I, like you, feel bad for my hubby ~ this is HIS family & his friend. At least his other brother is normal & makes time for some important things!!

I'd start relishing telling them you can't make their events. I'd say "so sorry. You know how it is..." Then if they kind of push it, I'd say "gee, I thought you'd understand. You haven't been able to make our events for a while." Say it really nicely. Don't let on you're pissed. It'll either open the door to a discussion or at least you're getting a bit even. Otherwise I have to wonder if perhaps even though you say you have a good relationship if maybe your SIL doesn't care for you that much. Probably not but you're obviously not a priority. Best thing I've found is to put them at the bottom of your list too. No use being upset and the only way to do that is stop caring and that's easier when you stop putting in effort. Last suggestion is having your brother be honest! It's his sibling. I think the way my MIL treatsy husband sometimes vs his siblings sucks. So i encourage him to call her on it. He has and it's been worthwhile. Either she changes what she's been doing or he feels like at least he's tried.

I am sorry. It stinks. I know you are hurt and disappointed.
But B is right, you need to change your expectations. Not get mad but get some perspective. It's just not going to happen like you had it planned in your head. Time to do some revisions. Maybe have one birthday celebration for all the family. Or something that fits the family as it stands now.
I live 12 hours away from family. We saw each other about twice a year. I am sorry you don't get the time you want but be grateful for the time you have and don't spoil it.

After your SWH: well if they are playing that game, I'd tell them the road ran both ways.

You have a similar family dynamic as the one poster about her childless single jet setting sister and your in laws. They have a different perspective on priorities and yours is last.

These people will not change their ways so it is up to you how you are going to change your feelings for them. Change what you can and accept what you can't and move on.

I would love to be at my grandson's everything but it did not work out that way. When we get together it is a very special time for the two of us.

So enjoy the life you have and get some new friends and make family with them. The only thing you are going to do is get a headache from begging your head on the wall and getting nothing else in exchange.

Have a good weekend and find peace within.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to deal with people who don't want to do anything with or for you.