I'm really hoping that you great ladies out there can help me out....
Here's my dilemma. A friend and I agreed to carpool to the out of town sporting functions for our kids. I drive a suburban and she has a minivan. The first time, I drove and paid for all gas and tolls. The next time it was her turn and when it came time for her to drive she emailed me stating that another mom felt uncomfortable driving alone (with her kids) due to inclimate weather. Well, I was the only one who could accomodate all the passengers, so I drove. Again, I paid for all gas (no tolls this time to pay for). The person who "bummed" a ride didn't even offer to help pay for gas (and I had to fill up to get home, so they both know what it cost me ($80-$90/trip). I was fine with that...felt like I was helping a friend out....even though it would have been nice to have been slipped a $20 or my lunch paid for.... Anyway, our next out of town event is this weekend and this time we will be staying there for the entire weekend. My friend just emailed me and stated that she doesn't have enough room for the 2 equipment bags and our personal suitcases. I don't quite buy that since we should be able to pack in 1-2 bags each and then the 2 sports bags.... Anyway, she asked if I could drive again. She offered to help pay for gas....I don't know if that means help with it all or just some? I'm still putting all the wear and tear on my vehicle. If I were to drive my car instead of the suburban, it would cost me about have the money in gas. Money is tight right now, so I was really counting on her driving so I wouldn't have to pay for gas this weekend. Any thoughts???
Here's an update...
This is what I have emailed back to her....
I'm kind of surprised that all of our stuff wouldn't fit. We used to drive cross country in the mini van we had and had a ton of stuff packed and didn't need to put the back seats down. Anyway, this is where I'm at... I was really hoping that you would drive since I've put the wear and tear on my vehicle twice and paid for all gas and tolls. Money is really tight for us right now with our tax situation and I was counting on not having to pay for any gas this weekend. I will drive if you pay for the gas. I really don't mean for this to come off as "xitchy," and I really don't want this to affect or friendship.
Let me know what you think.....
I'll let you know what happens!
Ok, first off, thanks for all of the great advice! She is a great friend and emailing her what I did was enough. She said she had no problem paying for the gas. I just wanted to hear other's opinions to make sure that I choose the words carefully and wasn't feeling/acting irrationally. Again, many THANKS!!!!
T.
be honest and tell her exactly what you posted...that you have driven to all of the events so far and money is tight so while you would LOVE to help her out...you can honestly only do it if she will be able to cover all of the gas....sometimes people just dont realize until you spell it out for them
i am the opposite and always give to much to people driving..just either say no..a few times then they will get the message or just say if everyone pitches in 20.00 or what ever amount then i can drive..just say my car just uses way to much gas with prices so high ..or say why dont i drive and you buy lunch or snacks...that stinks..some people are always just out for their selfs...T.
be assertive...
Hi T.:
People will take advantage of you if you let them. You have to stand up for yourself and tell her that you would be happy to drive but again but will need XX amount of money from each person, including tolls, to help pay for the gas expense. Don't continue talking after you have make the statement -- wait for a response from her. Make sure you have those driving with you cover your entire gas expense --so if it costs $90, make them each pay $45, plus tolls.
I have learned over the years that it is very hard to say no to someone -- but then, you end up angry over the fact that you were taken advantage of. Start a new pattern of thinking, just learn to say no.
Good luck to you.
D.
I feel so bad for you and I would tell her the truth that the last two trips you paid for everything and also the wear and tear on your car.. You both made an agreement and she is not sticking to it.. If she can't help out than she should drive herself and you will drive yourself.. To me as an outsider it sounds like she is taking advantage of you and it just isn't fare.. I hate when people do that.. Good luck and let us know the outcome.
I would be blunt and say, "I was planning on taking my car...if you were to come along I would have to take the suburban...I can do that if you are willing to pay for all the gas and tolls, if your not in the position to do so then please let me know and I'll just drive my car."
You don't owe her anything.
Bless your heart. I hate to see people get taken advantage of, and that is exactly how this sounds.
You can very calmly and respectfully address the other moms with this situation.
Maybe instead of the person driving being the person paying, it should be split evenly amongst all the moms involved (if their children are riding).
So, if gas is $80 and there are four kids (not including yours), then each mom owes you $20. The same would go for your child riding with another mom.
This way you don't have to accuse anyone and things would be more clear as to who is paying for what.
Hope this idea helps you.
Take care.
Tell her how you feel and how unfair it is for you. You have to maintain your suv not them. The second time you drove you should have gotten most or all of the money for gas. If you really don't want to drive than tell her that you need to make everything fit in the minivan or you will just drive your car up to wherever you are going and she can drive herself. It's one thing to help a friend but it's another to be taken advantage of. If she really wants you to drive than she has to come up with all the gas and toll money, it's only fair. Good luck!
T.,
Try this. Reply to her email and say. "Money is a little tight right now so I would be more than happy to drive if you can pay for the gas. And just to let you know it cost about $90 each time I have to fill up so it might be more economical for us to squeeze into your mini van."
I hope this helps.
T.
Terri had a great response. If you don't mind driving and it is more of a matter of $$, I would just be firmer about her paying for ALL the gas, not 'helping out'. If she would still rather you drive than be more economical in the minivan, let her know 'ok, I've put out $160-180 for gas so far, if you pay for this round we'll catch up later with you driving another time.' Then make sure you either get the $ before you start out or have the tank on empty and pull into the gas station with her in the car when you start the trip. Just say 'cash or credit'? The less 'apologetic' and more direct you are the easier it will go.
Sounds like you already answered your own question and I think you did the right thing by asking for either her to drive or pay for gas. If she is a real friend she will understand. I would have told her also that since you drove twice and you expected for them to at least offer to help you with the gas and tolls, but didn't get any gas money at all from either person, you just can't afford to do it again. If she doesn't take this well, you might as well drive in your smaller car and save the money.
I have a mini van and I have fit a full size baby stroller and several suitcases in the back of it. I hate to say but it does sound like she is taking advantage a bit. I would talk to her about it and just explain that money is tight and that if all of you can't fit in her van you'll just have to take your own car and she'll have to take hers.
Stop being a victim! Speak up! You can do so without hurting anyone's feelings. Just say "I'm willing to drive, but it will cost $$$, and I will need half otherwise I'm driving my car." Gas prices are tough on everyone and if you don't speak up they will think you are having an easier time than they are. No one knows your situation unless you speak up!
Peace,
V.
Is there another mom that you could carpool with instead of her? One who drives a similar vehicle to yours, so that they could empathize with you on the cost of gas...I know this is dishonest and mean, but I would lie to her and say your Suburban is having mechanical issues and you either have to drive your car instead of the Suburban or she has to drive. This way she'll either have to step up and fulfill her part of the original agreement or she'll find other travel arrangements and stop making you foot the bill.
T.
Confront this person FACE TO FACE as to why she doesn't seem to want to drive. She may be having a $$ problem herself and is to embarassed to say anything thus she makes excuses. If you know for a fact that $$ is no problem for her then you need to confront her with the actual cost of each trip and explain to her AGAIN it's an added burden on you financially. She may not realize this. If she is a true friend then you both should be able to talk about this dilemma again FACE TO FACE (it's easier to "fib" over the phone)and come up with a solution to the problem. There may be a third person ,if room is available, that is willing to join the car pool...just a thought. At times you just have to say enough is enough. TLH
Hello T.,
I would just say (very nicely and straightforwardly, not defensively) "I am counting on you to bear the cost of the trip this time as I have done it twice in the past, and I wasn't offered any help in sharing the cost the second time I drove [when it wasn't my turn]." On the other hand, if you do have the bigger car and you don't mind driving, offer to calculate the cost of the trip (tolls, gas, wear and tear) and everybody pay their fair share. Of course it would be nice of them to treat you to lunch or dinner during the trip for the effort you put forth for driving. It's hard to be confrontational, but you are being taken advantage of and you don't want it to continue.
you could try the tack where you say something like "I am happy to drive but do you think you can pay for one trip and I will pick up the way back?" That seems fair. You pay to get there and she fills you up on the way back. It doesn't have to be a big thing if you deal with it at the beginning of the season.
good luck,
Cia
I would talk to her and explain that it doesn't really make sense to keep driving everybody, when the whole reason you wanted to get into carpooling was to save money and get a rest. If you are the only one hauling everybody, you don't get a break. They should not only be paying you for the gas, but for your time. They are taking advantage of you.
Money issues are awkward to address, though they shouldn't be. I think your best bet is to be honest. Remind her about your original deal and inform her of your money situation. If for any reason you drive to an event when it isn't your turn, then pull out your schedule and agree upon which other event she will swap with you.
Another option would be to make a new arrangement where you split the travel costs no matter who drives. You can set up the expectation that the passenger will bring $50 (or whatever amount you think is needed) to reimuburse you along the way or you can split the bill iIMMEDIATELY upon returning home. Any other moms who tag along need to be notified up front that they will be expected to bring money to pitch in.
Do you have a rooftop luggage carrier? My husband and I did a lot of travelling to visit relatives when our kids were little and we lived out of town. We often need extra room for the baby neccessities, Christmas presents, etc). It was about $100, I think, and we have really gotten our money's worth. I don't mean to add to your expenses but it may be something to consider. You would have it if you ever need extra space for luggage when your family travels or if you want to take the car and you could strap it to your friend's minivan when it is her turn to drive.
Good luck!
Hugs! What a difficult situation!
I do think you are being used. And you make a very good case. I think I might respond back to her e-mail something like "really? You don't think you'll have enough room? Gosh, I know that me and my kids can pack light. My husband really was counting on having the Suburban for this weekend."
If she doesn't take the hint with that, then I think you need to lay out to her basically what you said here--that driving your vehicle is EXPENSIVE, and it isn't just the gas money, it is the wear and tear.
Write her back and just say--"I'm sure we can fit it all in. I'll help you pack everything up. I could really use a break from all this driving!"
Nice and simple, but you have to say No. It will eat you up inside if you don't.
And maybe get rid of the Suburban. Having a vehicle that big is just a favor waiting to be asked. Pretty soon she'll be asking you to help her move!
I am the same way and I always wind up being taken advantage of because I never say no to anyone! I am learning though! I had a Durango for 7 years and was constantly driving everyone everywhere or even letting people use my vehicle when they needed to move things or go somewhere as a group and didn't want to drive separately. I was never given $$$ for tolls or gas either and it was more of an inconvenience than you can imagine!
You don't have to be nasty about it but you should just call this "friend" and inform her that since she can't fit you into her vehicle this weekend, you would rather just take your car since it would be more cost-effective for you. She should understand and since she's the one not upholding her end of the bargain, she has no room to get upset. If she does, then she's the one who has the problem. If you agree to drive again, she will see you as a pushover and you will wind up driving each and every time. She will come up with excuse after excuse why she can't do it and it's not fair that you should be the only one stuck paying tolls and gas everytime.
Oh and and FYI...I traded in my Durango last spring for a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder (convertible). Now I can only fit myself, my husband and my 2 daughters when we go anywhere in my car. I fixed them, huh?
I agree with Terri about suggesting that it's more economical plus you should just be honest. Maybe she doesn't realize money is tight for you or maybe she just thinks she can "get over on you". When it comes to stuff like money, don't be shy, especially since the price of gas is insane. You are doing her a favor by driving all the time and if she says, "Well you have to go anyway so I didn't think it was a big deal"...remind her that you BOTH agreed to take turns. It's the principle of the matter. I know it's easier said than done but I can definitely feel your frustration. GOod luck!
