Currently my stbx carpools with a woman going on 4 yrs now. Before seperating and divorce came about I told him that it made me uncomfortable that he carpools with her. They talk about everything like me, her husband and things that aren't work related. It's hard to put into words, just that they seem too close. It just seems inappropiate to me. They also text each other which I know that in this day and age that is how almost everyone communicates. But when I saw his fon one time I picked it up and saw the txts between the two of them. He had a job interview which I knew about and he wanted to tell her about it too. But when I saw the text to her it said, you are the only one at work that I've told :) She texted a smiley face back and said ok. He could have told other male co-workers but he chose her. Whenever I'm around her she doesn't really look at me and acts all nervous and awkward. If it makes me uncomfortable why would he keep riding with her? Am I being unreasonable? If I was doing something that made him feel this way I would change what I was doing. Because that's what you do with you're partner, i thought. You talk about it until you come up with a solution, right? Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling a lot of emotions right now. If any of you have a carpool or work "spouse" what do you talk about outside of work? Do you keep it impersonal? Do you talk about Politics? Religion?
When I used to do hair I was always told to not talk about things that are too personal, and that if the client wants to talk about personal stuff to just let them talk and listen. Try to keep the atmosphere nuetral. This is the 3rd woman that he has gotten close to. The first one I deleted her info out of his cell fon because my mom suggested to forbid him to hire her to work under him at a new job he had. The second one he had, I popped in at his work and they were sitting there chatting kinda cozy. She coud not look at my face, it was very weird. Wow, I feel stupid as I type this. I guess none of this should matter since he is my stbx, but it still stings when they ride together and I see them take off in the AM. :(
Just want to add that he has had other female co-workers who were very nice and easy to talk to. One even babysat for us so it's not ALL females that he works with that I've felt this way.
One of the gifts of divorce is no longer having to care who my ex sleeps with, who his friends are, or how he spends his time.
Nothing you have said, says that he is doing anything inappropriate with this woman (or the other women) it just says that you are insecure and controlling. Sorry.
Just let it go.
One positive in all of this is that you can take this time to try to understand yourself and your issues, which you obviously have, if you have problems with him being friends with females. You should work on getting over that and letting it go before your next relationship.
Like the others have said, STBX means you have no control over what he is doing or who he is doing it with.
If these women truly couldn't look you in the face, it is good that your soon-to-be ex is just that. I have plenty of male friends who are comfortable and friendly with my husband. My husband has friendly female coworkers who don't have any problem being social with me. (One does, but I think she's just got problems... I do not lose sleep over it.)
I think there's a fine line with people being friendly, overly friendly, and the other spouse being very insecure. It would be good for you to explore that--and what it means to you-- before finding yourself in another relationship, so you'll have a better understanding of where your boundaries lie. Good luck...and move forward. Don't get stuck in this aspect of the past.
I am assuming stbx is soon to be ex? Why do you even care?
The other thing is nothing you put out here sounds inappropriate.
I have a number of coworkers that I am friends with. I get your point regarding doing hair and not getting too personal - but that is your client. Coworkers can be friends - you spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week with these people. I have male and female friends.
It sounds, to me, that maybe they are uncomfortable because they know, from him, that you assume anyone of the opposite sex is inappropriate. I wouldn't feel comfortable either.
If indeed.... stbx means "soon to be ex" I don't understand why you are upset about it.
Put the past behind you and move on. You two obviously had trust, jealousy and control issues from what I gather in the rest of your post.
Make this positive and move on.
Ummm yeah, if he is your future ex then you have not a leg to stand on and need to move on.
You say he's your "stbx". You know that means "soon to be ex", right? If that's the case... why is this bothering you? You're divorcing... right? Who he talks to or texts is his business, not yours.
That said, the fact that your husband's female friends couldn't look you in the face is weird, and perhaps a sign something is wrong. But, a lot of people have friends of opposite sexes and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with the relationship. Nothing you said that your husband did - drive with someone, text her, tell her about work possibilities... none of that would raise a red flag to me. But if you already had trust issues maybe you saw it as something more.
For what it's worth, my husband's running partner is a woman. He sees her four times a week, travels with her to races (sometimes I'm there, sometimes her husband is, sometimes it's just them), and texts her every once in a while. I've got nothing to be concerned about. Similarly, one of my closest friends is a guy with whom I've been friends for 30 years... since we were little kids. My friendship with him doesn't bother my husband because obviously I picked my husband to marry, not my friend.
Don't obsess over this.
It will just drive you crazy.
You both are having a divorce. Or already had, the divorce.
Concentrate on your kids and custody etc. and get a good darn Lawyer.
And the other bottom line is: you do not trust him. And if you have reason to or not is not the point. You both are divorcing so there is probably lots of reasons for that.
You will know in a few months after he moves out. Will it matter?
I usually trust my spidy senses.
Just because it shouldn't matter, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The relationship may be over, but the emotions are not.
Just do what you can to ignore it and go about your business. If you are into divorce proceedings, why haven't one of you moved out of the house? Must be very confusing for your children.
Keep your chin up!
Stop caring if you are intending on pressing forward with a divorce. Use this as the fuel for the fire that is your pending divorce. If you don't intend on divorcing this man, the wisest way I know how to deal with this matter is to subtly draw your hubby to you. Being combative about who he is spending his time with won't do it. Men still like the chase, they love to be praised and have their egos stroked. No other woman can touch my skills at stroking my husband's ego.
How did you catch this guy, how did you keep him interested in the begining you may need to revert back to that. Men hate to be smothered and don't particularly like it when you are too available. If you want this cheating and lying man then you will need to change to win him back.
I would just brush the dust off and keep it moving. I always believed I deserved an honest and commited relationship and I have one now. You should concentrate on your future more and not your past or your ex's life and cohorting.
