Can't Say I Was Blindsided Bc It Was My Decision, but This Still Hurts.

You're not alone. The children are little-they'll be fine. You just keep moving forward and be strong and someday before you know it-you'll feel better!

There is an exceptional book that helped me through a dangerous and emotional divorce. It is The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm. It's only a little over 200 pages, yet every one is full of insights. Basically, it taught me that I have to learn to love me as a human being before I can love others, including my son. Once I learned to care about and for me as if I were a member of humanity, then I could embrace humanity. This is not about selfishness, it is about recognizing and cherishing the essence of life in everyone, including myself. So many people hate themselves but say they love others. It cannot be done, because love of others is based on love of all people, and you are a person too!

Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes, because God deems you worthy of forgiveness. Then you will find it easy to forgive others, to cherish others, and to move into your better life. Life is a journey, not a destination. Take the advice of Jim Henson in the Muppet Movie, "Life's like a movie, write your own ending." Be a work in progress all your life.

I can only give you my experience, R., and of course, everybody's different. But in my case, getting out from under the double-standards of my first marriage opened up the most wonderful new life for me.

My daughter (aged 8) and I always found ways to make every day count, and because she needed me to be strong, I found that I was! Whenever I was tempted to pity myself (and life was really hard, especially financially), I'd look at her, at our future, and at all the little blessings we experienced every day. Now I look back on that time as a few of the best years ever.

Blessings.

oh, baby. i'm so sorry, i know this has got to be painful. i'm glad you know you need to allow yourself some space to mourn the couldabeens. it sounds like he's a nice fellow in a lot of ways, but i can't say i'm surprised either. he's been letting you tote the weary load pretty much by yourself for a long time now. i think it's a good decision, but that doesn't make it an easy one.
i love that you've decided NOT to allow this to model what your kids will grow up considering the way it ought to be for women. they need to see you healthy, strong and HAPPY. and after you've processed this, grieved for it, and started striding forward, you will be. i think there's a wellspring of joy in you, just waiting for the right opportunity to let loose and dance.
it's a process. you won't feel better and ready to move on at any particular point, you'll just feel a bit MORE there, bit by bit, day by day. be gentle with yourself. well, and a little tough with yourself<G>. don't expect miracles but don't allow yourself to wallow for too long either. before you know it you'll start laughing, and waking up feeling good, and getting excited about all the new adventures that now lie before you like a sparkling pathway through wonderland, and slowly the grief will slip away.
there's so much on your side. you're young, you're beautiful (which isn't an ingredient for happiness, but it sure doesn't hurt), you're smart and you think outside the box.
you got this, babes.
{{{{{}}}}}
khairete
S.

Well pat yourself on the back!
You left a relationship, fully cognizant that he was a very selfish Man... and it was just not a good relationship.
So that takes guts and wisdom... which you should feel proud of.

It is probably the everyday routine that you miss..and the company. Not him per say.
You know who you are and what was not a healthy relationship for you... the kids.
So, that takes courage... to end.
Be proud!
You didn't just stay with a man who made you feel icky nor just out of loneliness... you left! You were not a door-mat and you took control of your life and for your kids.

You WILL find 'you' again... because NOW you CAN be yourself... without him... and without him controlling you... nor making you feel bad.
Don't worry!

I would feel LIBERATED! :)

Teach your kids... that a WOMAN... can CHOOSE... what kind of Man and relationship... to be in. That a Woman/Mom...deserves dignity.... which you did and have. Now.

good luck,
Susan

I had a friend who was married for yndrs, he cheated, was an alcoholic and abusive. She the stay at home mom, did daycare and everything else.
When she finally got divorced it hurt like h*((. But she went to school got her Tech degree for Radiology and CT scans and now works in a hospital, has a new hubby and made it work for her.
It was hard at first because she didn't think she could but it is just one step in front of the other and she did it.
You will too. Find people who support you. Find a counselor, some of them work with you if you don't have insurance to pay.
My friend's best revenge is a happy life, and she is now happy. He is miserable and still with his booze.
You can do it. Good luck.

R....I have it...I had a few serious realtionships throughout my life. The last one, was a hard one, like yours. HERE is the philosiphy that I had....

My husband is out there...somewhere...I just need to bump into him.

It took a year or so...and then BAM!!!! We married 8 weeks later. (we eloped)
Almost 6 years later, we have a 3 year old and life is good...

R., you just have to wait for that good egg. The ONE that makes you, YOU!! I found mine...surely you can find yours.

Keep in your mind always....my husband is out there, somewhere...I just need to bump into him.
:)

You just take life day by day. You wake up, and keep moving, knowing that you have children that love and need you. I recently had to make a decesion, not as big as yours, but still a choice. I keep telling myself that this was the best option for my family and I have told myself I will not look back and say what if or Maybe I should have not done this. Keep moving forward. And Pray.

Im not sure if this will help but this is how I handled my divorce. Here's what I asked mysef...."Do I really want to stay with a person like this forever and live like this the rest of my life? Or would I rather be single forever then to deal with it?" I chose single forever. Of course I wasn't single forever, but thats how bad it got in our relationship. I could have easily stayed with him and gone back and forth with him, but instead I just decided "no, I don't want this anymore".
After he left, I started to do whatever I wanted to. I painted the walls in my house whatever color I wanted, I shopped and bought whatever I wanted, I went and got pedicures whenever I wanted, I watched whatever TV show I wanted, etc.
And I did find "me" again. Not just that...I found my "friends" again (didn't really associate with them while I was with my ex). Just know you will get through it. Stay strong! If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. =) Hang in there.

i went through the same thing about a year ago and the best thing for you to do is go somewhere for the weekend with just you and a close friend do something for yourself one weekend trust me you'll feel better and you'll be more able to be there for your kids

Hi, I have no advice, but I wanted to let you know i wish you the best in this tough situation. :-)
Is there anyone who can keep your kids for an afternoon or evening? I have some moms that we take turns babysitting for each other FREE because sometimes we need a break.

Don't know if you like country music, but one of my favorite artist Sara Evans has a new single " A Little Bit Stronger". I hope you take the time to listen, it's a good one!!
http://www.cmt.com/videos/sara-evans/578702/a-little-bit-...
Here's to finding you again and the strength you'll need for your children!! Cheers!

You have to remind yourself that while it's difficult for you and the children right now, a lifetime of being with the wrong person would be more detrimental to you all. Hopefully you and your ex can become civil or even friendly at some point and he can still be involved in the children's lives since I know your oldest 2 think of him as "Daddy" and I believe he is bio Daddy to the youngest. In the meantime, get counseling or meditate or do yoga or climb a mountain and scream - whatever it takes to let out the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, etc. If you have anyone local that can help you out, it might be a good time to ask for help. You could probably really use some alone time to think and contemplate your next steps. I know it hurts SO much right now but you will come through this a stronger, more thoughtful woman!

The end of anything always leaves an empty longing feeling. My ex-husband became very selfish near the end of our marriage among other things. The only way to move on, is just to do it. The children will go through denial, and efforts to get you back together, then grief of their own, anger, then acceptance. My ex never did get to the point where he could calmly talk to me and the kids, and it's been 5 years. For yourself you should look back over the relationship and let your hindsight kick in, as it will anyway, so you may as well get that over with. Then think about the happy times that you all had, then any lessons that you have learned from this relationship, and carry that into your future. Everyone experiences break-ups, and dwelling only makes it worse. Allow yourself your feelings, too. Sadness, anger, lonliness, any others that pop up. Your children will need you to be there for them. The positives may not be visible for awhile, but eventually you will know why you had to learn whatever this teaches you. As for finding you, think back to the time when you were growing up. Who did you want to be? Are you living the life that you want, or is there an opportunity to get back on a track you may have left? Unfortunately, you can't dictate how much time this will take you, just be assured that everything happens for a reason, and everything is revealed in time.
Love, A.
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Sometimes, moving on can be a lot of fun! Take a personal enrichment class, be it cake decorating, sewing, yoga, photography, volunteering... anything to kind of give you something to do and feel good at and socialize with other people. Also, a lot of prayer and scripture study gives me strength when I am down and out.

Don't do anything too drastic, like cut all your hair off or anything, I'm a stylist and while lots of women get makeovers after breakups, (which is a great idea)... going overboard can make some women feel depressed!

As for the kids, I don't know the ages or anything, but they are a lot stronger than we sometimes think they are. Just give them plenty of mommy time, cuddles and activities, and they may be sad for a while, but distractions and time will help them heal as well.

If I were you, I'd write a list of reasons why you left him. I find lists to be very helpful in all areas and it sounds like this would be a good one too. There will be times when you may doubt your decision, think you made a mistake or consider taking him back, so going to this list may help you to see that you've done what was best for you & the kids.

I think when most relationships end, whether mutually agreed or not, it hurts. It's the end of a perfect ideal of what life was suppose to be like vs the reality of what it really is. So take the time to grieve but look at the list as often as you need to reassure yourself that this is the right thing for you life.

Write down your goals as well, short term and long term. And take time for YOU.

the best way to get over a guy is to foist him off on someone you dont like. that way two people are miserable instead of four.
that and to think of all the things that the guy did that drove you nuts.
...like the time he waxed his car with your favorite sweater.
...or the time that he hit on your sister, at a wedding.
...things like that,
now wipe off the screen, cause it aint over yet.
K. h.

I don't think there is a way for this not to be painful. Just cuz you guys didn't marry doesn't mean you can't try going to a marriage counselor? If you have kids together and all.

Hey R. - I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I'm guessing, from all of your previous posts, that you are a strong woman! You can get through this! And I'll bet you'll be very happy, once you are through to the other side. Keep us posted and let us know how you're doing. We are all rooting for you :)