I am currently a stay-at-home mother of a 15 month (very active) boy. My husband works midnights and has to have the house quiet during the day. As anyone with a spirited youngster knows, keeping the house quiet so that someone can sleep is difficult. Lately, my little "angel" has figured out that if he screams during the day, he gets what he wants because there really isn't anyplace for me to take him to scream in our small apartment. Letting him scream is NOT an option, as we have tried this and it turns my husband into a sleep deprived bear. I'm at my wits end (literally) trying to raise this little boy and yet be supportive and understanding of my husband. We have tried looking for a different job for my husband, but with the economy in the toilet, we haven't had any luck. I'm afraid that my catering to my baby will only increase his bratty behavior.
I have one other son who is 9. When we were raising him, we had little trouble with discipline since we both had normal, daylight schedules. We also lived closer to family back then, so when we needed a break we had their support. I know what I SHOULD be doing as far as discipline for my 15 month old, but I also know that if my husband doesn't sleep and gets fired, we'll be on the street. Any ideas would really help!!!
**I suppose a little clarification is needed! My son is a climber, and it seems that no matter what I do to babyproof, he manages to get into things that he shouldn't, like the spice cabinet, plates, silverware, etc. He screams when I take him away from the danger or when I try to redirect his attention. He also screams if he wants something that I won't give him, like a cookie right before dinner. I'll try to give him something else that may be part of his dinner, like a cracker or a roll, but he will throw those, point to the cookie, and scream. He tries to jump off the side of the couch, and when I take him away from the arm of the couch and set him on the floor to explain that he would get hurt by jumping like that, he'll scream. He also throws his toys, so when I tell him that we don't throw the toys but play with them like this, he screams. If his screaming wakes up my husband, then I have an even bigger problem. I honestly don't know what I can do! Thanks for reading this! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!**
Thank you everyone for all your advice! Guess what my husband will be getting for Christmas this year!!! Yup, earplugs. He and I have gone around and around about this, and since he is the sole breadwinner for the family, he believes that his sleep takes precedent (his work schedule is 6:30p-8a). I have already started implementing most of your ideas, which I greatly appreciate, and it seems like it is going to take some work, but it will pan out in the end! We were pretty strict parents when it came to discipline with our first son, and a gentle reminder of that in the midst of our little one's "tantrum for daddy" today helped I think. I have noticed that my husband also likes to cater to the kids when he's home, and he says it is because he doesn't get to see them much when he is working. THAT is going to take some work as well. All in good time, I suppose! Again, thank you for the great advice!!! You have all given me the focus I need!
I second the really good pair of earplugs idea. You can get some really good ones that let very little noise in. Also, I got some sound machines online for my kids and they really drown noise out well. If he wears ear plugs and has a sounds machine right by his head he may not hear much at all!
My recommendations: 1. earplugs for your husband. 2. Take your son out everyday for a few hours. On nice days you can go to a park (pack a picnic) on rainy days you can go to a mall & play on their indoor park if they have one (also pack a picnic). Get your son in a play group or a mommy & me class so you have another place to go. Also try going to the library.
Good luck.
The dirst place a look with my kids when they play up is hungry, thirsty, tired, bored. I'd address these issues first. He should be having probably 14-16 hours of sleep total at this age. Also could daddy spend a little time with him when he comes home before he goes to bed?
Sign language has worked extremely well for my screamers. It has given them the power to communicate what they need. There are many websites online where you can get info on this.
Also, boys need time to be loud, run, climb etc. Is there a place where you can go during the day to do this? Then when you get home it can be nap time or quiet time etc and he will be ready to be quiet.
A., I can so relate to the "keep the house quiet while the husband sleeps." First get him a white noise machine. He can select what soothing "noise" he likes and it will help to block out some of the screaming.
As for the screaming, work with your child when his dad is awake - a time-out place - we have a little saucer chair that my grand daughter cannot get out of once I have popped her into it. What ever is his love - toy - TV - take it away. And also use positive reinforcements. Set a timer for 15 minutes - if he does not scream in that time - reward him with a healty treat - a few raisins. Then increase the time by 5 minutes each day.
It also sounds like he needs to have some one on one time - maybe at the critical falling asleep time for dad - or the other end when he will most likely be waking up. Some kids love the big leggo blocks - build and knock down. Some like to snuggle and read. Is there a park near by that you can take him to play and let out the steam - and then he might nap?
I know this is very stressful for you - but hang in there - and I am sure you will get some great advice that will work for you. Meanwhile - hug that little one, because they don't stay little long.
I agree that your husband does need to learn to adapt to the situation...but I also think your son needs to learn that screaming will not help him get what he wants...so go ahead and get the earplugs and whatever will drown him out until he does learn...but in the meantime, I think you need to also address the screaming issue.
If he's screaming in order to get something that he wants, can you kind of deflect it by giving him something else that will distract him? For example, if he's screaming for a treat, can you distract him with something completely unrelated (to get his mind off the treat altogether)? Trying to give him a cracker in place of a cookie might not do it (I'd scream for a cookie if you gave ME a cracker, lol). But something else that he likes as well (for my daughter, it's coloring...if she's crying for one thing, I can offer up a crayon and a piece of paper and that usually settles her right down).
I also know that being indoors for too long makes both my kids bonkers. It's getting colder out, so the park might not be a good solution (I know our local park is now closed until Memorial Day). We visit the library a lot in winter. Not sure where you are, but we go to the library in Taylor and my youngest (who is 19 months) loves to sit and play with blocks or the age-appropriate puzzles they have. I've been taking her since she was an infant because my older daughter (who is 5) loves the library.
We also go to the mall in winter...any place that is open with room to roam under supervision.
But your husband has to deal to some degree. Kids are loud. I know mine is woken up sometimes on his days off...it comes with having kids.
I know that this is not always feasible, but when possible, take him out to run around, at the park, mall, toystore, wherever- just so he can burn a little energy and his volume will not be a problem. Even if you don't have to buy anything, get him out to play, he will really like it.
There is a way to quickly teach your son not to do all of these things and to have reasonable noise in the home. Then your husband can do his part to compromise. But you shouldn't cave to the screaming at this age or WATCH OUT for the next 3 years. If you're interested on how we taught every child in our huge extended family not to act this way, let me know. It will take his dad participating though, and it does include spanking, so if you're against spanking, nevermind. Basically, you can have him crying at first for a while due to discipline (although 15 months is still young enough to nip it quickly) and then learning how to behave well on his own, or you can have him screaming more and more the older he gets just because he feels like it. Your choice! It's not a mean method, it's methodical calm, no yelling, and our kids are happy ecstatic children. Our kids are ages 3 and 1/2, 2 and 6 months. My son is almost 2 and has no tantrums etc. We've been diligent with his discipline since 12 months, and he needs almost none now.
With having a husband that works shift work, I understand what you're going through with needing a quiet home during the day. Fortunately, my daughters are both in school now, but we do still have some challenges while the girls get ready for school, as they LOVE to argue with each other. That being said, when my youngest was still home during the day, we definitely had some challenges. Since my husband sleeps until at least noon or 1pm (he works 4p-4a), I would take my older daughter to school, then stay out of the house to do errands for most of the morning. I would then bring her home in time for a mid-morning snack, followed by keeping her engaged with quiet games, some easier chores, or playing outdoors. While he slept, many of my household responsibilities went undone, but it was a small sacrifice considering the alternative - a miserable hubby/daddy!
My daughter is 15 months and quite "spirited" as well. I try to get her out of the house when I can (the park or backyard on a nice day, baby storytime at the library, shopping, etc.) To limit the amount of stuff she gets into (and therefore the amount I have to take away since my daughter also screams when something is taken away from her), I have fully babyproofed one room in our house and it is gated. That is the only room she hangs out in. Even if you are in a small apartment, maybe you can just gate off an area of one room. Not having the temptations there or visible might help. My daughter can't see the kitchen from her room, so she can't be tempted by cookies or get to the plates and pots. It makes life easier for me and it lets her freely and safely explore her surroundings.
As far as your husband goes, I worked night shift for many years (though it was before having children). Even noises like lawn mowers used to bother me. I found leaving a TV on in the bedroom at a very low volume helped. It drowned out the rest of the noise to an extent and the TV helped me fall asleep. Other people have recommended ear plugs and white noise machines which are also great solutions to help your hubby get some sleep. Good luck!
you could do something that will upset him every time he screams. maybe take a favorite toy away for a day or 2. you could tell him that's what happens when he screams. good luck
I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Getting him out of the house, even in winter, will help. Also, I think he's just going to have to have some tantrums and your and your husband should plan accordingly.
One thing I've found to be helpful is to consistently encourage my kids to talk as best they can rather than scream or whine when they want something (that they're allowed to have), even when they're babies. This isn't something that I fixed in a day--I consider it a long process that is still ongoing--but it has made things much more pleasant around here. For example, my 15-month old does not get to leave the dinner table unless she says "done" (or something in a normal voice that sounds like it). If she starts yelling, I quickly remind her about what she needs to do and I let her out of her chair to play when she says it. My approach to my five-year old is different, but the same in principle. Occasionally, when things are out of hand, I ask: "What does whining get you?" Answer: "Nothing." And, I've had to let both of them throw tantrums, even in public places. I hate it, but I feel like it would be far worse for them to learn that they are entitled to everything, even at the expense of others.
my advice is to get out of the house as much as possible! if he's a climber and very active, you can take him somewhere to get out all of that energy. I live in NJ, and near me there are all kinds of indoor places to take the kids so they can run around and play... sometimes you can buy a membership so you can go all the time, or even Chik-fil-a has a great indoor playground. My girls will play there for 3 hours... and it's not even that big!
I don't have any advice but I am currently held hostage by a three year old brat. Nothing we do seems to make any difference in his behavior. I am at my wit's end too and I just don't know how to get through to him! If you haev any words of wisdom please repost them.
Good earplugs for your husband sounds like a good idea to me. Also try "white noise". A light, monotonous sound running in the background, like a fan will screen out noise. I used to run my fan at night when I lived in an apartment building in a very noisy part of town.
Also you can go somewhere. A park, mall with a playland, McDonalds playland. Somewhere where he can play, climb and burn off some energy.
Do you know any other moms with young kids that you could go and visit during the day? Try to find a playgroup, or a "mommy and me" type of thing. He may be two young for a library story time, but you might try that.
When dad has a day off, have him take the boys out somewhere fun, so you can take a break.
Congrats on having a very smart little boy. He has precisely pinpointed the very thing that gets him exactly what he wants! We all should be so lucky:P
I think your hubby is going to have to suck it up for at least three days and help you break the little guy of this habit. Tell hubby to prepare himself however it will take and pick the appropriate days and then do what you have to do to make it work.
If dad gives in on this one so early, heaven help him when the kid wants something else later on. It's his child too, and the more together the two of you are, the quicker this young man will straighten out. It may surprise you how quickly he will straighten out- especially if the dad ( whom all boys adore) will do the discipline.
Your husband needs to deal with some noise. White noise and earplugs would be two perfect Christmas gifts for him this year! Also, I think his sleep schedule needs to be modified so that the house does not "need to be quiet all day." That's a bit ridiculous and next to impossible with a 15 mo old. You also cannot be out of the house every day, all day so it is quiet. Devise a sleep plan around the day (including nap time for your son). That all said, you still need to deal with the screaming issue. You can't cave to screaming b/c you are afraid your husband will wake. Pick a plan to deal with the screaming (time out maybe - 2 min per offense) and stick to it. I'll bet my life the first few days will be anything but quiet, but he'll get it. And then it will get better.
Tell your husband to put in earplugs. Your son cannot be expected to keep quiet at his age and he will only get louder. Teach him about inside voices and when he screams discipline him don't give him what he wants. Take him out to play and run everyday and that will get him tired for when he is at home.
Is there not a park nearby to take your son? I know it is cold now but when the the weather is good take him outside and let him run around. IS there a mommy and me group to go to so you can hang out with other mom's and their children?
May be somewhere where inside where you can take him and let him run around? It sounds like your child is bored and that is why he is getting into everything. granted I know part of it is the age. I know he is also going to yell when he does not get his own way. This is part of the age. I am sure by dinner time your husband is awake? I would tell him no cookies before dinner or least try to give him a banana or something nutritional if he is hungry. you are right you can not give into him or he will be a brat but your husband also needs sleep. see if there is a daycare near by that needs help. may be you can get a job there and you can take him with you. Good luck
There are ear plugs called "Putty-Buddies". Buy some for your husband. I use them at night because my husband is a loud Snorer. I'll bet if you're not always "shushing" your 15 mo.old, he'll stop screaming.
You are in a tough situation. My thought is that you approach the solution from the opposite direction. Rather than having to deal with the normal behavior and need for consequences of a 15 month old, I would encourage you to block the sounds from your husband. Fans are great noise deterrents; Walmart and Target both sell earplugs that can be quite effective; You can also buy inexpensive "white nosie" machines or even some alarm clocks that make babbling brook/ocean waves/tropical rainforest sounds that block outside noise. I use these things for my 13-year-old because when my husband gets up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work, we don't want our son waking up too.
Through no fault of your own, you are in a situation that your son is learning to manipulate, and he is just showing you that he's a smart little guy loking for guidance and structure, so you don't want to stop that either. If the situation goes on, with your hands tied, it will just grow, but it seems to me that you are catching it early and can prevent the discipline problems by breaking the cycle.
Good luck to you all!
D.
I agree, get a noise machine and put white noise on full blast, and ear plugs too. Your kid has learned to get a certain response by screaming, and it's just going to get worse if you don't start telling him No. It sounds like he's having some control issues and a lot of frustration. I read that a child who is out of control like that may be unhappy because they don't know where the limits are and who is in charge, and they want you to be.
If cookies and sweets are a problem, don't keep them in the house at all, or keep them totally out of sight and don't give him cookies anymore. If getting into things is a problem, then box up and lock up all the problem items. It won't be forever. If he throws toys, take it and box it up for a week. You can't reason with a toddler. If he gets out of control, tell him No and walk him outside and maybe take a walk around the block.
When my high energy high spirited daughter is cooped up in the house all day, she gets completely nuts. She gets into everything all the time. We worked out a nice routine, which kids like and need, but we break it up by having little things to go do outside the house. We take a walk, go to the park, walk to the store even if it's just to buy one thing. There are lots of free things for us to get out and do, and often, just a change of scenery is all it takes to put her in a better mood.
She also gets really tired of me, and really wants to interact with other kids. This is harder, because all the other moms went back to work ages ago and their kids went to daycare. We found a parents group that meets once every two weeks, we're signing her up for a very inexpensive music class with other babies, and are always looking for opportunities to get her out with other babies.
We don't have any family here either, so it's all on me, and believe me, we can't have my husband tired at work either, so I run as much interference as possible.
Hi, A.:
So what is your baby screaming about?
I'm not getting it.
Can you give me more examples of the situation?
Just want to know.
Thanks. D.
Mrs.B. I would try to find something that interest him. Like maybe coloring or building blocks. What i use to do is take them for long walks or have my nephews do baby yoga that helps alot. But if your husband is trying sleep you may have to plan day trips.Or maybe you and girlfriends can get together and have play dates. Hope i was of some help....
I'm not being "flip", but have you tried good earplugs for him? I think your son (like many toddlers) feeds on your panic at trying to get him quiet. We've all been in your shoes at a funeral, school event, on an airplane, etc. When you're desperate to keep them quiet they read you and your nerves. Maybe if your husband wore really good earplugs he'd be able to sleep through the noise, the phase would eventually pass, and everyone would be better off. I know other people in a similar schedule who did the earplug thing.
Hi A.,
I would suggest taking the baby out of the house for at least 6-7 hours so your husband can sleep, but what would you do for all those hours, every day? Would your husband be willing to use ear plugs and/or some soft noise (like a fan) to block out the screaming until you can get thru this screaming stage?
Good luck and hang in there.
T.
Maybe if your husband has a few days in a row off over the Holidays you can use that time to put your foot down and let him scream it out without having to give in.
My first idea is ear plugs for your hubby, and maybe a white noise machine in your room to drown out the sounds outside the room. DS went through a phase like that, and consistently not giving in ended the screaming relatively quickly.
Good luck!!!
Idk what to suggest for the screaming, but I can tell you that if you want to avoid the issue of the cookies and junk food you just need to put them where he can't see them and doesnt know where they are.
I had to hide all the junk food from my almost 2 year old cause he does the same thing... I put them in the cabinet over my fridge... I dont think he even knows theres a cabinet there.
I replaced the junk with healthy snacks like fruits, crackers, granola (I have a recipe if anyone wants it) sun chips (if there must be chips lol)
do you have him in a play group or daycare? maybe you should check to see if there are any in your area.. that would get the 2 of you out of the house for most of the day
good luck with the screaming
Get good quality ear plugs for dad.:)
I totally agree with the other moms that the easiest persons behavior to modify is your husband's. People can learn to sleep through a lot and earplugs, a sleeping mask, and white noise machine will make a ton of difference. And I think if you can relax a little about how much noise your son makes then you might find that he makes less of it. He's doing it to get attention-- good attention, bad attention, they don't care. So, the more you ignore it, the faster it will go away. I truly don't believe that a 15 month old can be a brat. He's just a baby. But you can start modifying his behaviors, and taking your attention away when he's doing something you don't like is the fastest way to do that.
Do you belong to the Children's Museum? That's a great place to go when you need to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Ditto the Toy Lending Library. Most of the Malls have play areas, and there are a number of Mommy Morning Out places that by the time you get there and back your son would be out of the house for 4 hours or so.
This, like all the phases, will pass.
Dear A.,
Sometimes our problems seem so insurrmountable because we feel like we have to solve a problem immediately and without many options.
I have a couple of suggestions. One is to ask if your husband might be able to sleep at a friend's house for a week or so? That will give you time to establish your limits and boundaries and also give you the opportunity to teach him acceptable ways to express his discontent that will allow your husband to be able to sleep.
You can also fix your bedroom to make it more sound proof - some things help are heavy draperies (that will also help make the room darker) egg cartons attached to the inside of the door, carpeting on the floor and a white noise machine.
I hope these help. God bless.
You need to introduce the time out chair (beanbag chair, rug etc..etc.. whatever) in a certain spot where you can watch him. The first time he screams he gets a warning, the 2nd time you need to get to his level (literally) explain to him that screaming is unexceptable and he is in time out for 1 minute (time out should be 1 min per yr of age) So if he was 2 he would get 2 min. And it has to be consistant, if he gets up the time restarts. It may take a few days so start it on the weekend or whenever your husband has a few days off, or ask him to take a few days of vacation if possible! Good luck
Hi A.,
My hubby works the same exact shift and this is what we do. He doesn't go to sleep when he get's off work. It's that simple. He goes to bed in the evening before he goes to work (actually has a lot of friends with young kids like us that do the same thing). He goes to bed between 5-6pm and gets up at 11pm to be at work by midnight. Why doesn't your hubby just try changing his sleep schedule and see how that works?
