Cannot Believe That My Husband Thinks This Is Ok.

I would probably be upset too---but I think he is scared of losing you (and the baby), and is trying to be strong all the time, so he needs to get away.
It's also possible he thinks this will be good for his career and maybe you will need more money with all that is happening.
I would just ask him, gently, if he is going because he needs a break from the stress. I would also ask for his support---to help you find a back-up childcare plan for while he is away, to pick up plenty of food before he goes so you won't need to worry about it, and to call you everyday, etc.

This is not a practical time for him to have a getaway trip. Yes, I would be upset. The key is not to make him feel like a terrible husband and father for wanting to go. You can understand why he does. But you need to give him the very practical reason why he can't. Then suggest you guys get a babysitter and have an overnight trip to a local motel. Just the two of you. You both need to getaway, so make it happen in a way that is possible for what you're going through right now.

Men view things differently than women.. My husband said that when we were pregnant he felt like he would need to step up his game at work to support all of us, because he would want me to be able to care for our child in any way I needed. He knew I could handle anything to do with the child. He felt like I was so capable, the best way to help was to make sure we were totally financially secure.

He said he was overwhelmed with needing to protect our lively hood.. He took on extra jobs, started a small business on the side. Started selling his "toys"..

I guess what I am saying is that your husband MAY feel like there is not much he can really do to help with your health, but he CAN make sure his job is secure, because without it.. You will not have health coverage, or money to support all of you. and what ever may come up with your health issues. This is his one way to have control over what is happening to his family.

You sound like a strong person. You are a great mom. He feels like you have that part covered, but he can only control his income and job.

Maybe you are putting up such a strong face that he does not realize how scared and vulnerable you are. Calmly speak with him about your fears. Ask him "what if I lose this baby awhile you are gone? Can you come straight home?"
Let him know what you think you can handle and then let him know what you
think/ know you cannot handle by yourself and make a plan." I cannot handle the
2 1/2 yr old alone. I need someone here each day with me.. I need my mom, best friend".. or whoever and get him to help you problem solve this.

Do not think bead of him. I promise you he is completely freaked out. He is trying to be strong for you, but he is also probably under a lot of his own husband /dad stress right now also. How guilty must he feel that he cannot just take a leave of absence right now to stay home with you, till this passes? Bless his heart,,. He is probably feeling very alone also..

When you read your responses you'll notice they either are pro or con on your husband. No wishy washy inbetween.

I worked to support my family all my adult life. There were many times at work where I had to "volunteer" to do things that if I didn't "volunteer" I would be ordered to do them. "Volunteering" looks good on your record, says you are a "team player" and taking on a difficult job you "volunteered" for may lead to a raise or a possible promotion. I made many sacrifices for my family at work so I could provide for my family. Every good husband aspires to one good and one great in his life. He wants to be a good provider and a great lover.

Your husband is working on the good provider part. Its tough on you, but its tough on him too.

Good luck to you and yours. Your family has my prayers for a complete remission and full recovery.

Hi H.T -

I'm really sorry you are going through this. From reading your previous posts it sounds like your husband has been a supportive, good guy through this. I'm assuming he has taken a lot of time off during your health issues and thought that he may feel compelled to work, to volunteer so he looks good in the company's eyes because I'm also assuming he is responsible for the health insurance and income. I bet he doesn't want to risk not being covered so his wife can receive the medical care needed. I would probably be upset as well but I am sure he would rather be with you.

Best of luck!!

okay this is a hard one....I totally understand why you are hurt and scared.

My husband has serious ongoing medical issues that are potentially life threatening (every day)...this causes a great deal of stress on me. Worrying about him and be anxious and upset that there is nothing that I can do to "fix the problem". I would guess that your husband is going through this as well. He may also be doing this to make sure that his job stays secure so that he can "take care" of you and the kids.

Talk to him about how you are feeling and what you need and how he can show up for you. Talk to him about what he needs and how he is feeling. I know that being the caregiver people never/rarely ask me how I am doing - the focus is rightly focused on the patient...but caregiver needs support and understanding to.

If he does take this trip and it allows him to breath and he can come back and be there for you and the kids refreshed and ready to deal with the challenges that you face...maybe let him go.

What kind of support do you have from family and friends...can they be there for you while he is gone. My expereience has been that my family and friends want to be there for our family....our job is just to tell them what we need and how they can help. Once they know this...they have been there 100% for us...this takes some of the pressure off of the caregiver.

Prayers to your and your family.

I completely understand how you feel and how it feels to be sick, pregnant, caring for a child and doing a shift as a single mom. I had to make the horribly tough decision to terminate my last pregnancy while my husband was in Africa on a trip (made the decision without him, went through it without him, had a child at home to care for through it.) when the docs told me I might have cancer and would have to forego treatment if the pregnancy continued or I would have to abort later. I would not wish that position on anyone. Not Anyone.

If the trip is elective, I would feel the same as you: Abandoned by the man who is supposed to care for me and his children when we need him most.

BUT I gently encourage you to see this from his perspective. It's possible that he is completely freaking out. The woman he loves and his child in her womb have a life-threatening disease. He might fear being a widower, especially after your scare with the non-response to the treatment. He's probably out of his mind feeling helpless to give you what you really need -- a cure. Does he have a support network? I know it might be hard to have a lot of sympathy, but caregivers need support, too, especially a man who is not normally the one who fills the role of nurturer. He's imagining what it might be like to be a single father, lose the one person who keeps him grounded and sane, whom he loves with his heart and soul and lose the mother of his child(ren). And he doesn't want to think those thoughts. He wants to run from them, push them down, so that he can be strong for you and the babies.

Men provide. He has a job which pays the insurance and the home and all the other stuff that gives comfort to and meets the needs of his family. Maybe he feels like he can bury himself in providing for you. He probably knows that's some sort of a cop-out, but men feel helpless in these situations and he's grabbing for his role, you know? He probably also needs to get away from the intensity of it all, to calm his nerves, so he saw and opportunity to be both provider and escapee.

Is he the sort to abandon ship or is he suffering, too? I know this is hard for you. Is there any way you can find a caretaker/ friend/ church member/ neighbor to come in and help with your daughter and check in on you while he is away?

I guess I just really feel for both of you. I hope that things turn around very soon and you have your health back. I will pray for your family and the new life growing inside of you. I know you're scared. I'm sending you strength.

I didn't get a chance to read through all the answers. As much as people want to relate, it's impossible to know unless you've been in a similar situation.

I, too, am a lymphoma survivor. Mine was Hodgkins, a few weeks after my daughter (2nd child was born), and I've been fortunate not to have a recurrence to date. My heart breaks for you because I have 2 friends who have been in your situation but at much different stages in their lives.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be upset, too. We had no family close by, and thankfully, our kids were in day care when I went through chemo. They were 2 and 11 weeks when I started. Had they not been in day care, I would never have been able to do it on my own.

Do you have neighbors, friends who can help with him while he's away?
My husband said some horrible things to me during chemo. It came from a place of fear - fear of my death, fear of being a single father. I couldn't understand it, but the stress of cancer reaches well beyond the patient and can affect the spouse as well. He may subconsciously need this break to prepare for the news.

Have you been in touch with organizations like Imerman Angels to talk to someone else in a similar situation and to get a better sense of how they managed?

If you ever need someone to talk to, please send me a private message, and I'll provide my personal information - ours are much different cancers, but mom-to-mom, I have some sense of relatedness.

Hugs and prayers!

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I really pray for a full recovery and happy, healthy baby.

I understand you being upset. I was critically ill during my pregnancy with my son. I was in the hospital more than I was out. Things were very touch and go, so I totally understand your fears.

When my baby was born and I was allowed to go home, my husband went straight back to work. Between being at the hospital and taking care of our older daughter, he had missed months of work. He was worried about the finances and all the hospital bills and the thought of losing his job. I couldn't blame him for that. I enlisted the help of my family and close friends.
I couldn't look at it as my husband "chose" work over me and the new baby.

I'm wondering if your husband "volunteered" because the company needed someone and he wanted to show that he still has dedication to his job. Obviously, the first thought is that NOTHING should be more important than you right now, but in this economy, losing a good job with benefits could be disastrous for your family as well.
Perhaps it would help to talk to him about Plan A and Plan B.
Plan A is that you have someone to stay with you and help you with your child and your chemo appointment.
Plan B is that if something happens between now and then, such as you having to go back into the hospital, he has someone to go in his place for the business trip.
That might take some pressure off of both of you knowing that you have back up plans.

I don't think your husband deliberately made conflicting plans to hurt you or upset you. Hopefully, you can talk to him about this without making him feel like a jerk. You have about another 20 weeks to go with your pregnancy so it's likely he will need more flex time at work. But, he might need to step up once in a while to keep from losing his job.

I know it's hard, but try to think positive. Picture yourself well and your baby well. Believe that you're going to get through this and come out on the other side.

I truly wish you the very best.

I don't think you are overreacting, I understand you feel hurt.
Having said that, I am 100% sure my husband would go too. The reason is that he wants to provide for his family specially now, and volunteering is always better than being ordered to, specially in a work environment, it may really count towards a promotion.
Is there anyone in your family who could stay with you those couple of days and help you out? Having a sitter on call for a night or nights where you'll really need help?
Or simply talk to your husband, let him now that you appreciate his wanting to be a better support specially financially (medical expenses are super high, even with insurance) but his moral support is even more needed now and that he would need to reconsider his travel plans. I understand its a tough situation, but thats when communication is more needed and sometimes harder in a couple, I really wish you the best of lucks, you guys are in our prayers.
And I will say that I wish for you and your baby to be ok!! and so it will be. (btw I think all the moms in this site will wish for you and your baby with me =))

Maybe he is "running away" or maybe he knows the job requirments have been upped everywhere and is afraid to lose his job or his seniority/security. To be honest as a past manager you could be awesome for years and the last thing you do, like not volunteer for a business trip, is the only thing remembered and always thrown around the board room when higher positions are being offered to employees. I think it's a mix of both. Your cancer and treatment he can't control, men need to fix things and be able to wrap their brains around and solve a problem. He can't do that here. he's probably frustrated. But he CAN work, he CAN provide these are tangible things that he needs to cope. I am not taking away the amount of hurt and stress you are going through but you should sit down and tell him why you are upset and also ask him what he is feeling about EVERYTHING. My prayers are with you and your family.

Well, you can go ahead and be upset, but it might not do anything but make your whole family more upset - which won't help your health or your new-baby-on-the-way.

Shelve the hurt feelings, however justified they are, for a little while. Sit down right now and make a list of friends, neighbors or relatives who can help you. Start calling them and line up every bit of assistance you can. Talk with your doctor and ask what exactly to do in case of any emergency. Get your duckies in a row.

I wouldn't be pleased with hubby if I were in your shoes! But that's beside the point. I would do what I could do to protect my health and well-being whether he's there or not.

I would, however, tell him that I expect a call from him every single day while he's away. I don't need to have him to worry about, too.

My husband is in a career which is often very demanding, and there are always periods when I can't even get his attention, much less his assistance! That's not the time to fall apart; it's the time to say, "All right," and get independent. You have children depending on you.

I'd say your feelings are hurt because of his decision to work rather than stay home with you to be there for your "what ifs?".
Be independent and find someone to have on call in case you need some help.
Let him know that you will be uncomfortable with him so far away so you have asked "so and so" to come stay with you while he's gone.

My husband goes out of town a lot for work. He has left town when we had important things going on, he has left town when I was sick (not with cancer or anything, just a cold or whatnot), and I had to care for our 2 year old by myself. But, honestly, I have never gotten mad or upset. I look at it like this...it is because of my husband's job that we are able to get by. He is the main provider and he makes good money. We have a comfortable life because of his job. So NO, I don't get mad if he has to leave town for work. And as for volunteering for things, well it is because my husband volunteered for so much that he has been continuely promoted. When someone volunteer's it looks good in the eyes of the employer. They think "wow, this guy really cares about his job and he goes above & beyond".

But you have a very serious illness. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I will pray for a speedy recovery for you and a healthy pregnancy. I don't honestly know how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I would probably feel upset too. I can see it from both sides. So I guess I don't have much advice for you except to say talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Explain that you need him right now for support. He might be thinking that it's only a week, no big deal. Guys don't think like us girls do. Whatever happens...I wish you luck and you will be in my prayers :)

Yep, I would be crushed. I am sure it's stress that is causing him to do this and SURE, who doesn't need a break from overwhelming circumstances? But the fact of the matter remains that you have cancer, are pregnant, are afraid of losing the baby, going through chemo, and taking care of a toddler.....where is your break?

Yes, men want to provide. But what men need to get through their heads is that we don't just need money for provision. We need to have support in the form of another person to carry the load with. Providing takes on many forms and they are equally important.
Your husband can go on a volunteer trip another time when things are not so dire at home and he MUST in the future discuss such a trip with you before he commits.

HUGS!!! I can't imagine what you are going through. I am praying that everything works out for you and your family.
I understand on some level......we have overwhelming medical situations going on in our family and feeling alone is terrifying.

In defense of your husband, even though he says it's voluntary, I can almost bet that his employed "implied" something to make him feel obligated to go. The time is bad - and your husband should try and ask the boss to let him out of it. If not, do you have a close friend or family member that can stay with you?

This is a tough one. You've been through a lot and may have more trials to come. Have you asked him if he has to volunteer to be seen as a "team player"? Is it really crucial he volunteer at this time? It's very understandable that you feel unsupported by him and that's really painful. Share with him your feelings and ask that if he must go, what provisions is he going to make for your care and help? You can look into hiring extra help - cleaning lady, babysitter, etc. and then let him know what the cost will be and that it's non-negotiable. You need help and might really need help! As hard as this is, the less emotional you are when communicating with him, the better he might be able to see your position. God bless you!

.

You are not crazy and I would also be livid. He may need a break too but right now his priority should be you and his children. Tell him you are upset, tell him how you feel and why, and tell him you need him to be there with you aand your 2yd old. It may not make a difference but he can't later say..."why didn't you say something?" and you will know where you stand.

If he goes anyway, I think you need to find a family member, friend, or group that can help you through this time (not just his trip because I don't think you can really count on someone who isn't there when you need them).

Best of luck to you and your family!

First, my heart goes out to you for what you must be enduring. The fear, the procedures, the terrible tiredness and nausea of chemo, and of course all the thoughts of "what if" especially if you have children and a pregnancy. I have not been through it myself, but both my mother and mother-in-law, as well as a few friends, have--and it is hell. I'm sure both you and your husband are at wit's end and just wanting it all to be normal life again.

For that reason I can understand both of your perspectives: You NEED him to be there for you! This could be a terrible outcome--and you don't know--or, even at best, this could just make you very sick and tired and unable to manage caring for yourself very well, much less a two year old. You need help, and you need the emotional support of the man you love right there with you.

HE needs some level of escape, perhaps. He can't "fix" this, and watching you go through it, thinking of all the potentials for your and your child's well being are probably overwhelming. Men are simply NOT as good at just being with their feelings or being "in process" with something like this when the outcome cannot be controlled easily. As many have said here, he may also feel under some pressure at work--either directly by his manager to "volunteer", or maybe more indirectly to maneuver himself into a possible position for a promotion, given that his current job may not feel adequate to meeting the long term needs he sees ahead of him with you dealing with cancer for a) more money, b) time off, etc.

I would suggest that you ask him, in a good moment, to sit and just talk with you. Let him know what you are afraid of and what your needs are as you contemplate him leaving. Ask him what he is feeling and needing--and do your best to listen without taking it personally or in any way attacking his motives. See if you can find a solution orientation together.

I would be fuming!!

You are not crazy. But you do need to communicate your thoughts & feelings with your husband.

Sometimes, men just don't get it. I would sit him down and calmly explain to him your fears. If he still decides to go... then you should try to contact some family or friends to see if they can stay with you that week. Just to be on the safe side.

Prayers for you and the baby!!

Yes, you have every right to be upset and angry and no, you are not crazy. Men just deal with bad situations differently than women do - they run away or hide somewhere alone in the house.

What you need to do is take a dew deep breaths and sit your husband down and explain to him how much you need him right now and that he MUST alter his plans. You will very likely have to do this a few times during this ordeal. And on't forget to be specific with him about what you need.

When I had post partum and my husband just didn't get it, a psychiatric nurse asked me if he gets aggravated by my not feeling well and I said YES!! And she told me that running and getting aggravated is typical male response/behavior. And, that I really can't change it but I can try to explain to him what I need and how he can help me. Telling him how I felt was effective but not a magic cure to make him help me more. Which is why you will have to keep nudging and reminding him how much you need him.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this at what is supposed to be a happy time. From what I understand, it's a very curable disease (one of my friends had it) and so I am sure you'll be great. I hope that you are feeling well very soon.

A break is something like an evening out, not a full week away from your family. I'm sure all of this has been difficult for him, too, but this is not the time to be taking long business trips, especially if it's not required by the company. As well, this situation (your diagnosis and treatment) has only been going on for 10 weeks, it's a little selfish for him to think that he is so overburdened and stressed that he needs a week away from his family, his family needs him, and NOW.
Also, I am uncomfortable with the fact that he called and TOLD you this, instead of discussing it with you before making the decision. That's not the way a marriage should work.
If he is hell bent on going, there's not much you can do about it except set up some kind of support system for yourself for when he is gone. In your shoes, I would be very hurt and upset. Try to talk to him about all of your concerns, "what-ifs" in this case are very strong possibilities, you may be very weak from the chemo, the chances of miscarriage are elevated, honestly, I would have asked my husband to take a few days off that week, not leave the state.

I hope you can work this out with him, but, worst case scenario, I hope you can find someone to help you that week.

I would be hurt too, I think. I'm so sorry for this painful situation you're in!
I don't have any experience with this, but I wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers.

God bless you!
Loni

uh...yeah, prego wife, fighting medical problems, he needs to stay home!

I'm glad everything worked out with you and your husband. Misunderstandings happen when there is alot of stress involved. My blessings are with you and your family.

Yes, I woudl be very upset. I get upset when my huband travels with little warning and I am a well non-pregnant person.

But I also think (assuming your husband is genreally a loving and kind person with some brains) that he just wasn't thinking and trying to act normal. How did you react and what did he say? I would suggest to him that he he doesn't understand the toll this is taking on you. You want him to schedule a meeting with his boss and let boss know tha tyou are having some very critical health issues and he may need to have some flexibility in the next couple of month. I woudl also hav him say, he thought things were on an upturn,but that actually travelling would be unwise now. Only the worst boss in the world would not understand.

I would not accuse,blame, etc. I think he just did a thoughtless thing. He should not go, but foucs on you and your needs when you talk to him. I cannot do this myself and I need you here. Case closed. Ithink it is great you acknowledge his needs and stress here, but you can't even be relied on to safely care for your child if you are unwell or at the hospital. He cannot go.

So sorry you are oging through this. I pray you will have a successful treatment and a healthy prgnancy .

You have EVERY right to be upset, I can believe that. You really need to talk to him and put him in his place. His first priority is/should always be you/family, then job, etc... Men are so selfish at times...
You are in my prayers and I hope you gets his act together and be the husband he's suppose to be!

Updated

You have EVERY right to be upset, I can believe that. You really need to talk to him and put him in his place. His first priority is/should always be you/family, then job, etc... Men are so selfish at times...
You are in my prayers and I hope you gets his act together and be the husband he's suppose to be!

NO! you are not crazy! That he volunteered to go...yes I would be hurt & upset.

Take some deep breaths and try to relax (I know easier said then done right now). When your husband gets home tell him exactly what you just told us.

I'm sorry you are going through all this!

I will say a prayer for you and your baby.

I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your baby.

I don't think you're over reacting at all. I understand his need for a break or feel he needs to get away...but now is NOT the time. As your husband and a father he needs to be there to support you during this time. I would never ever leave my husband if he was having chemo. Especially to care for children during that time too. I think you have every right to be upset...even more so because he volunteered. If he hadn't volunteered I'd be irked but some jobs you have to do that...but usually a boss would be sympathetic to his situation. But he volunteered...which is horrible. I am so sorry.

Since it isn't a mandatory trip I think I would not be very happy. You need him there. Just tell him that. Of course you don't want to stress too much that isn't good for your illness or for you or the baby but it is natural to be scared and upset. He should be home with you. I am sure he needs a break but he can do that when you get the green light and things are OK. Today I think the big problem in marraige is that people just sort of go their own ways. I am all for being independent to some extent but please we get married to have a partner and someone to share things with shouldn't that be good and bad things we share. It isn't fair for everything to fall on one person. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kay

I am so sorry all this is happening to you. Your husbands place is at home with you. Make is known to him under NO uncertain terms he cannot go on this volunteer trip! And if he still wants to go, make sure he makes arraignments to take your 2 1/2 year old with him as you will need special care at home. I am sorry but sometime men just do not think before doing something. No gets a brake right now, now is the time to pull together as partners. I wish you all the luck!

Yes, I'm sure I'd be upset. Have you asked him to please not go because you need him to help you that week?

Remember, males usually need to given directions.

Having just been through chemo myself with 2 young kids (18 months and 3 years at diagnosis last December), I can totally understand where you're coming from. And, YES, I would be horribly hurt and upset if my hubby did this. My husband had to take on a lot when I was going through chemo also, but that's just the way it is. When you are married, it's in sickness and in health, so I would definitely expect my husband to support me through the worst of it (and your situation counts as the worst of it!). I am so sad for you that you're dealing with this. I would most certainly have a talk with your husband and explain that you understand he has some added stress through your illness, but YOU'RE the one with cancer! I would just let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he NEEDS to be home that week. Do you have family around or other support? My family is not around (we're in TX and my Mom lives in FL), so we were kind of on our own, however, our church and our friends and neighbors really stepped up to the plate and helped us through the past 8 months. I just finished chemo 6 weeks ago, so this is all very fresh for me.

I will tell you that since my husband had to work during the day and I was pretty sick and out of it during chemo, we put my youngest in full time daycare until my chemo was finished. I had a double mastectomy In January and wasn't able to pick him up or drive for 8 weeks after my surgery, so it just wasn't physically possible for me to take care of him by myself during the day. Would it be possible for you to find some child care to help you during that week, even if it's only part time? If I lived anywhere near you, I would take care of your LO for you!

Again, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with the stress of this situation and I hope you're able to talk your husband out of going on this trip. I will say a prayer for you and your family. I pray that God brings you health and peace. If you just need to chat, send me a PM. I've been in a similar situation so recently and sometimes you just need an ear! Best wishes to you!

Hi,

Wow, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I would have a heart to heart with your hubby and tell him just how scared you are. I agree with you, it is not fair for him to go 2500 miles away from home when you are going through this crisis. He needs to be with you 100% and support you and your child. I think he would be taking too much of a risk to leave you while you have to deal with chemo, your pregnancy and of course your child! Put your foot down and tell him no- absolutely not! Good luck to you~

Molly

I would be sooooo upset.

I suffered severly while pregnant with my third, I drove myself to the hospital ever other day for iv fluids, amongst many other things. My husband who lost his job and didn't have one went to help his dad out at work every day for weeks while I suffered and took care of 2 kids. I finally caved and sent my son to childcare while my daughter was in preschool to get a break. I couldn't believe it I still can't believe what he put me through. So no i don't think you are crazy. I think men sometimes just don't think. It's all about the money and the job. I am seriously sorry that you have to be going through this without support it is not easy.

I pray that you start to feel better and things start to go better. You a strong woman for going through all this up and don't forget that!!!!!!!!!!!!