Can Our Marriage Be Saved?

I can only imagine how awful you feel. To be clear, in my opinion, you are being abused. I believe you could make a lot of inroads with counseling, either as a couple or alone. But start there. I'm glad you at least recognize this isn't right.

Get out. Get out yesterday.
You are living with an emotionally abusive man and it isn't going to get better.

You have a child with him and would be a struggling single mom if you get a divorce. You would still need to be communicating with him about your child for many more years to come. Right now you seem to be feeling rather beat up about life in general but especially your marriage. He is not behaving very nicely, but we are not hearing his side of the story. I would recommend that you seek out professional marriage counseling to help you both learn to communicate better (and less hateful) and to determine whether this marriage is worth saving. A group of people on an anonymous forum can't tell you whether your marriage is worth saving. You said you don't want to discuss this with family or friends, yet you have been told 50 times to get a divorce. Interesting.

K.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

Do you want the truth? Are you READY for the truth? Are you going to ACT or put your fingers in your ears and say "I can't hear you??" I'm sorry. I'm NOT trying to be mean. I need to get your attention.

I've walked in your shoes. The words were different:
- you will never make it without me
- you are worthless
- the list goes on and on...
I would vent to my friends....one day - my friends say - ENOUGH. You are better than this and deserve better than this. Stop venting. Start acting. Start DOING. I was hurt at first - then I realized - I could talk all I wanted, but actions speak louder than words. He was starting to get physical - grabbing me...it was "smooth" - he was active duty and hitting me would have cost him a lot...

Your friends have already told you to divorce him. You do not want to hear that. I'm sorry. I understand. You took your vows seriously. You have a child. Do you want your son to grow up and be a husband like him? If that answer is NO. Then you need to make a decision - are you better off with or without him?

Do you think marriage counseling will help?
Do you think anger management courses will help?
Do you think AA meetings will help him?

When will you will acknowledge YOU are not to blame for his bad moods?
Next time he says "I wish you were good at something" your response should be "what are YOU good at? If you were such a great provider - I would NOT have had to go back to work." This will most certainly provoke him into a fight.

Let's go over this.
1. You were adequate enough to marry. He asked you.
2. You do NOT force him to drink. That's a decision HE makes when he pours the drink.
3. His anger is NOT your fault. He is CHOOSING to be angry because he's not happy with himself.

If I were you? I would ask my parents for help. I would move out with my son, file for divorce and sole custody and get supervised visitation. Make sure the custody exchange is done someone public - like a police station - and stick to the agreement.

If you don't want to leave yet. Then you need to get a plan in place. You need to open a checking account in your name only (with a different bank than what he uses) and you need to start saving your money, get your ducks in a row and work towards that plan.

Document EVERYTHING...when he starts on his tirades?? Record them. If you can get a nanny cam - then do it.

Personally? I wouldn't wait. You're already accepting the responsibility for his actions...the next step is the hitting...and you'll accept his apology and accept that he's right...you made him hit you..if only you had mopped the floor better..if only you had done your hair better...if only you hadn't smiled at that other person...

Leave. Leave now. Go to your parents house and leave. You deserve better. Your SON deserves better.

So...what is HE good at? Doesn't sound like he's good at being a husband. Doesn't sound like he's a good dad. Doesn't even sound like he's any good at helping around the house. Is he good at ANYTHING that benefits you?

You're both working, so dealing with the house should be 50/50, regardless of who brings more $$ home. It's a TIME issue, not a MONEY issue.

Let's be perfectly clear here. You are being emotionally abused. You are in an abusive marriage. Sure, he's not smacking you around physically, but he IS beating you down mentally. That's just as bad. How DARE he question your worth?! He's treating you like you don't matter, when you ABSOLUTELY DO.

You could try counseling, but that would imply that HE might need to change. And HE probably thinks he's doing no wrong. If he can come to the realization that he needs to change, you DO have a chance to save this marriage. If he refuses to see his part in this, it will be much more difficult, maybe impossible.

YOU are doing nothing wrong. HE is. Maybe it's time to start demanding HE be good at something, anything.

If you and your husband actually want to save your marriage, then your only chance, IMO, is marriage counselling, ASAP.

Just wow.

What an a$$hole. I'm so sorry you have a child with this guy, or the answer would be easy. Get the heck out of there.

You don't have to swallow it, nor should you. You say "he is eager to be close?" Then is sounds like he has feelings that can be salvaged.

Get tough. Tell him it's couples counseling, or you're out of there. He needs to stop being verbally abusive, and you should stop accepting it, NOW.

Good luck. Sorry you're married to a jerk. And sell the house if you guys can't afford it -- it sounds like the financial pressures are too great.

p.s. I really think you need couples counseling, not counseling on your own. He's the jerk, so I don't know what going to a counselor yourself is going to change.

Your husband has a problem and it's not you. You have a problem and it's your husband. This is no way to live. Get some support from trusted family and friends and then leave.

I've been RIGHT where you are, honey. I know the pain you're going through, and I know the relief you'll feel when you get the heck out of there. You need to make a plan, get a P.O. Box, open a bank account, and move half of ALL monies into it. Get out of there.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

I think that almost any marriage CAN be saved. My question is always: SHOULD it be saved?

The early part of a marriage is tough enough with just two adults figuring out how to live together. You guys added buying a house and having a baby to that mix, and that complicates things when you're not yet fully established in your own souls as life partners. Each of these is its own process. Do you cook? Bake? How cumbersome is it to combine EVERYTHING all at once? I usually mix my dry stuff first, get it good and blended. Then, I mix in the eggs and follow that up with the other wet stuff, pouring in a little at a time. I don't think that my way is THE BEST way to do it. I just know the power in MY wrist and forearm and the strength of my whisk and/or fork. And you know what's at the end of the instructions, before applying any heat? After all that mixing and stirring and kneading...let it sit. Just let things settle a bit, let the individual ingredients mingle with the rest and settle into their roles. Between major decisions or major disagreements, a marriage can require a bit of settling, to assure that the foundation is ready to pile more on.

WHY did you marry? Build on that. When my husband gets on my nerves, I think about who we are together and why I married him. I wasn't just in love, nor was he.

If you want your marriage to be saved--even if you don't see how--you need to dial back your ego. You guys need to establish a form of communication that will not be ultimately harmful. If you're willing to do the work, seek counseling and ask your husband to join you. In the meantime, don't do anything that you KNOW will give him reason to fight with you. Sometimes it's best to just shut up for a while, instead of saying words that can't be taken back.

Marriages go through seasons. no matter how long you've known each other, your marriage has not yet been through the things that marriages have to go through in order to know that you know that you know that you are in it together. What you've mentioned here could be meanness that won't go away. It could also be immaturity and insecurity that he doesn't know how to express. It is your job to teach him how to treat you, what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to addressing you. That happens with how you respond to it. If you do your part and he acts like he doesn't care or just can't soften toward you the way that you need in a husband, then you should certainly revisit this question of whether or not you should stay. A lot of people enter intimate/sexual/romantic relationships to settle what they don't have the courage to do for themselves. They want the other person to do the work for them, to read their minds and give them what they want/need without their having to do the work of making their needs clear. The other person feels the weight of the expectation to meet those needs. Nobody knows what's going on or how to communicate, and things spiral out of control. Next thing you know, somebody's frustrated with the other for not doing it his/her way. Not having a clear understanding of who you are and of the processes in place to teach you who you are can make a person run for cover and accuse others of doing the wrong thing. Each of you is on a journey, trying to figure it out. If he were to speak anonymously to a group of people, would they tell him that he should leave you and find someone better?

It all boils down to communication. Be a big girl and figure out what your wants and needs are. Then, figure out the best way to meet them. Figure out--with your husband--what his needs are and the best way to meet them. Work together to take care of each other. Only you two can decide if it's worth the effort. Sometimes it's just not a good fit, and you have to focus on what drew you together in the first place and learn from that. Sometimes, though, you just have to put in the time and work to iron out the wrinkles, before you can expect things to be smooth.

ETA: Based on what you've said here alone, I do not believe that HE is abusing you. It sounds like you two are in over your heads right now and acting out in your individual ways. Maybe you shut down, stop doing stuff around the house. Maybe you are feeling down on yourself. The way that he responds to that is to be annoyed and resentful and then to lash out. That's not okay, but you two are simply responding differently to the same stressors, like the pile of these major life changes in just 2.5 years' time. Whether or not you stay together, a marriage counselor should be able to help you see what has happened here and how you can move beyond it, either as a couple or not.

Try reading the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It can explain some of the things you are experiencing and give you a better understanding of what choices you have.

Find a good counselor for yourself. There are reasons you brought in an abusive man. A counselor can help you sort out what is actually going on now, what steps to take to protect yourself and your child, and to heal your own childhood wounding that allowed you to bring in an abusive relationship.

If you have a child in day care, then you have a younger child, right?

You do need to leave your husband since he is mentally abusing you (and drinks--you left that information until very late in the post, but that does matter).

But prepare yourself first. If you have a young child and a husband who is all about how inadequate you are, then your husband is going to try to use your child against you and will very likely threaten that if you try to leave, he will keep your child. You will hear him say, "You'll never get custody and I'll tell the court you're an unfit mother." You must be prepared for this emotionally, legally and financially.

Go NOW and get counseling for yourself so you can (1) start to see your own worth, because he has mentally beaten you down for decades, and (2) start to prepare yourself to leave him. If he would go nuts at the idea you are getting counseling, hide it from him! There are therapists and counselors with sliding scale fees for anyone who can't pay up front. Or go to your county or city mental health department and ask for referrals to counselors in your area.

You need to put away money entirely in your own name, where he cannot reach it. You need to consult in detail with a lawyer who has experience in helping women leaving relationships where the husband is likely to get nasty about both children and money. Don't despair -- you CAN find advice out there; find a large and reputable shelter that helps abused women and ask them if they can give you referrals to legal help with divorce and custody. Another resource: Look up "women's centers" in your area; these also can give you free advice on where to get low-cost legal help and how to get yourself some financial help.

Yes, you need to leave him because he treats you like trash, but you also have put up with him for a while now and need to be sure you are mentally ready to leave. It's not as easy as walking out the door. And the fact you have a young child whom you don't want HIM to raise means you need to have good legal help. If you have family that supports you, be sure to let a trusted relative know that you're making plans to leave and to be ready to take you and your child in -- so you know you have a place to go to at any moment.

No, I don't think so.

Tell him you've made a decision. Since you're such a bad housekeeper and he's so unhappy with you that you have accepted his ideals.

That you, from this day forward, are roommates and nothing more. That you're willing to concede he's right and it's over and that you like living in the house and having the security of everything.

So, here's your plan. YOU write every single chore down on a piece of paper and put them into several jars. One jar is daily chores, the next is every other day, then twice per week, weekly, every other week, monthly, and so forth.

Fill them with mundane things like wash the curtains. Scrub the windows inside and out. Run the vacuum in every room along the ceiling, in the corners, and around the light fixtures.

He picks one, then you pick one, he picks one then you pick one. As each of your lists of things to do he's going to complain he's not the wife...so? He's the one that isn't satisfied with his environment. When it gets to the point where he says he's not going to do this and that it's your job to do these things you can simple look at him and say "well, you go ahead and go do something else, I'll draw for you and make you a list" then keep drawing slips of paper out.

THEN STOP DOING HIS CHORES! Even if he gets "fix dinner on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and plan leftovers from the meal on Friday to carry into the weekend". If you do his chores for him even one time then he's won. He knows you can be made to serve him and he doesn't have to do them anymore. Make him have consequences if he doesn't do his chores.

SO he gets to stop treating you like you're the maid that bends over backwards for him in all ways....you are NOT his servant.

He can get off his hiney and do at least 50% of the work since you are working too.

If he doesn't start acting like a good husband again and treating you like you matter again then you'll know he's a nasty mean person.

Do you want to save it? This is your partner in life--for better or worse, sickness and in health, etc. If he is always negative towards you and putting you down, you are not equals. Life is full of curve balls (sick kids, sick parents, job loss, etc.). Do you feel like a team? Do you feel like he will pick you up when you fall? Do you feel like you can tackle any problem as long as he's by your side? If the answer is no, then move on. Sorry.

Also, is the child in the home yours or yours/his? If the child is yours, s/he does not deserve to be around this 'father figure'.

So what will be different for you, coming here, hearing for the 51st time that you have no business being married to this man? If MY husband of 32 years had every told me that I needed to be good at SOMETHING, demanded that I develop a business while at home taking care of a baby and then have the audacity to blast me because I don't make enough money going to back to work, still with a small child, I wouldn't love him anymore either.

I wish you'd listen here to Peg. God knows she went through the wringer.

One thing I wish you'd ask yourself is what you want for your daughter, marrying a man like this. Would you want her to be treated this way? How about your son? Would you like to see him treat HIS wife this way?

Stay with this man so that he child sees this treatment day in and day out, and that's exactly what will happen. They will follow suit. You could have left the man, but didn't, and your daughter picks a guy like dad. Or you son acts just like dad.

If you don't have the courage to leave him for YOU, then at least leave him so that he can't ruin your child's life...

It will not get better. Your husband should lift you up not tear you down. Does your husband make you a better person? Do you feel smarter, kinder, more generous, more compassionate and a better mother when you are with him?
If not get out now. You will do fine with child support and peace in your home rather than this constant harrassment.

sure.
do you want it to be?
khairete
S.