She is in eleventh grade and enrolled in two dual credit courses that she takes at her high school.. She has a 61 in English and 71 in Biology which is unacceptable. The school doesn't want students switching because some classes are full. The counselor said due to overfull classes she might have to go to grade level, not AP, and she would be bored. She won't check until we sign a drop request form. As kids fail out, the classes will be more full. We need to move now.
My daughter doesn't want to do that. She believes her grade will come up like before. She is not understanding the implications or that she needs to work much harder.
She has not attended one tutorial even though she could have. They are before, during, and after school. She has several missing assignments which are zeroes. She delays until morning or late night to do homework, preferring to play video games with some teens who are also very socially awkward. Since they are nice to her and she is finally smiling and laughing again, I hate to take that away. She considers them friends.
She takes longer than most to read and complete work. Two teachers told me she needs to work faster. For years I have had to nag her to do her homework and I feel a college student should not need that.
Well, I am so glad I forced her to withdraw. She was overwhelmed and stressed but when she told the counselor she wanted to switch to AP only, the lady called her a quitter and began manipulating her. There were plenty of spots in the AP and regular classes. The woman was getting pressure for the high number of kids who withdrew from dual credit which is not our problem. Also, the school has the smallest percentage of students in dual credit. Also not our problem.
She is now getting tutoring on occasion and working on her study and organizational skills. I am letting her be in charge of her learning. Thanks again. The colleges do not hold it against her for withdrawing as a junior. They would have held bad grades against her.
She's old enough to face the consequences of her behavior. Stop treating her like a child. If her grades come up, great, and if not she will go to community college and transfer from there, like many kids do (including one of mine.)
For years you've nagged her to do her homework and it hasn't worked. What you didn't do was teach her to have her own work ethic. Basically you forgot to give her the tools she needs to plan ahead and do her work.
You need to step back and stop being so overly involved in her school work. If she doesn't turn something in and fails a class then that's her learning experience. She might not get into her top choice of college and you should explain that portion of school to her.
As far as having her drop or change classes? No. Someone else wanted her class and didn't get it because her butt was in the seat. By changing you are telling her that she's unable to do the work and mommy will step in and fix the problem. What's next? The professor at college is being mean and you'll fix that? Her boss is requiring overtime to complete a project on deadline and you'll call to let him know that's not cool?
Our job as parents are to give our children the tools they'll need to live as productive people in the world far after we're no longer here to guide them along. I know its hard to watch them go off the path we think is right but you really need to step back and let her suffer from her poor choices for a little while.
sounds like it's time for mom to stop helicoptering and let her live with the consequences.
not sure i understand you wanting to withdraw her but not wanting her in grade level classes.
but when a kid hits 11th grade it's time for some personal responsibility. if she's bored or unmotivated or over-challenged or socially awkward or slow in turning her assignments, what is going to inspire her to work on these challenges?
she needs a better answer than 'mom makes me do it.'
khairete
S.
Your daughter is in 11h grade. It is time for her to advocate for herself, and to feel the consequences of her actions. This is a life skill she will need when she is 18. Time to develop it now.
The nagging has to stop. It's not effective. If you feel the video games are a problem (and it sounds like they are), why does she still have access to them? Aren't you paying for them and for her internet access, her phone, and so on? Are you giving her rides everywhere? Stop. Of course she's smiling and laughing - she's not doing her work and she's just having fun. How does this help her in the long run?
Sit her down with her guidance counselor and explain the new parameters and ground rules. Grades don't magically come up. People work for them. If she wants to scale back her expectations for her future, fine. Not everyone goes to a top tier college; not everyone goes to college. That's okay. But she is making choices and she has to feel the pinch. If she doesn't learn it now, she never will.
Sounds like she has got a MAJOR case of avoidance--of course she'd rather play video games online with people whom she feels comfortable with and don't ask her to face the reality of the academic work she needs to do! But fundamentally, yes, you are correct that a college student CANNOT depend on a parent for academic success. Your daughter has two more years in high school and needs to develop life skills. So SHE has to be the one to decide which courses she takes, when she needs help, and how to succeed as an adult. It's high time to help her find ways to work around her obstacles or (better) find out why she has those obstacles in the first place. Depression, anxiety, ADD--something may be going on which is getting in her way, and it's worth checking for those things. However you must stop saving her from the consequences of her avoidance behaviors. If she gets a D, it is not the end of the world, even in one's junior year.
School has barely started and she has plenty of time to turn things around. The counselor doesn't think it is in her best interest and your daughter doesn't want to drop.
She might have to get a poor first semester grade before pulling it up. It isn't the end of the world, seriously. If she can't manage high school without her mom hovering, she certainly doesn't belong at college straight out of high school.
That said -
"For years I have had to nag her to do her homework "
Nagging doesn't give kids the tools they need to build skills.
You mention she is slow paced, procrastinates, and is socially awkward. Has she been comprehensively evaluated for issues like ADD (inattentive type), anxiety, and similar? Has she got any help from school services or a private therapist working on social skills and organization?
If not, it's not too late yet, so get started.
I think you need to separate yourself from your daughter. You said "we need to move now" But SHE is the one who needs to manage her own class choices. If she doesn't want to drop the classes, she's either going to kick her butt into gear, or learn a lesson from getting a lower than desired grade. To the teachers who told you she needs to work faster, I would ask those teacher to please be frank and share that and any other feedback with your daughter directly. It will be less effective, and it's just going to sound like nagging if she's getting things secondhand from you.
I would insist the homework gets completed before any video game playing happens.
It's not forbidden - she just has to earn her perks (would have been nice if you started doing that in elementary school but better late than never).
If she fails she'll have to take summer school or repeat a grade.
That's not going to have her smiling or laughing.
I would work closely with the counselor on this issue. As junior, her GPA is important for college acceptance.
You mention that her grades have come up in the past. Why do you think they would not improve again?
Nagging and haggling with a teen will not improve things. She is old enough to know what consequences are when assignments are not completed, not turned in, tutor appointments are not kept. You can't "make" her get a good work ethic.
None of us want our children to fail but it does fail the children if we as parents are constantly stepping in, rescuing them from the consequences they face for not being responsible.
Back off the nagging and pressuring. It is sad but maybe she'll wake up and realize she is damaging her college chances as well as setting up bad habits which can hurt her in the future when she in in the real world with a job.
Sometimes, they listen and are more receptive more to someone other than mom and dad about some life choices and the real world. Hopefully she has a teacher or other adult who may have her respect and can mentor her without the nagging.
If not, this is her bed, she made it. You have provided the tools, it is up to her to use them.
let her stay in the classes she has now. remind her that she needs to pick it up or she will not get into any colleges that she wants. and then sit back and see how she does.. if she fails thats her own fault.
tell her no games till homework is done. tell her about the tutorials and encourage her to attend them if the other teens are in her classes maybe one of them is willing to help her get a better grade or just do the homework together so she can get it done
I am so sick of parents pushing their high schoolers to take college credits. It's not just you - we're all told this is a good thing; that our kids are geniuses; that this will cut the costs of college. Most high schoolers are not mature enough to do college classes. Your child may be brilliant, but your child is not mature enough for college, and the stress we are putting on these children is ridiculous. I asked my daughter why she isn't doing these dual credit courses and she said "because I want to be a kid." I'd rather she spend the first two years at community college to save money instead of pushing her to start college at 16. And honestly, I was a college professor for many years and saw too many students who were not ready for college. There are ways to save money and stimulate gifted children, but pushing them into this level of stress and competition is abusive.
I'm confused about your last sentence in regards to the college student remark. She isn't a college student yet. It is two years before she goes to college. She has a great deal of growing up to do before she gets there.
Indeed, she may not get there if she continues this path. However, the ladies here are right - she has to learn the hard way.
If I were you, I would take away her video game play with these other teenagers. I would tell her that she has to prove to you that she can do her work and improve her grades before you will allow her this extracurricular activity.
The reason I say this is because she must pass English in order to graduate. She doesn't want to think about her future, and though she may not college material, she HAS to get a high school degree. If she doesn't, she'll be doing a low paid job for the rest of her days.
Tighten up, mama. Give her short time frames - 2 weeks of good grades, not missing any assignments, good test scores, and then getting to be with her friends, another 2 weeks of good performance, playing with her friends, repeat. She will have to step up her gain to get what she wants.
If she doesn't get a lot better internalizing wanting to do her schoolwork by at least her senior year, consider a year break with her doing a low paid job. She may very well decide that she wants to go to school and will work harder for it.
Haven't read other responses, so I may be repeating and I'm DEFINITELY not trying to stir any pots.
I would let her stay in the AP/Dual Credit course. She can sink or sail with MUCH lesser consequence at this point than it would be in college. If she is involved in UIL/Extra Curricular activities, that will motivate her to get the grade. If she isn't, then she probably doesn't need to be thrown into the rigor of a 4 year college in a short year and a half.
Either way, you leave it up to her to decide if she is willing to do the work without it costing you the full price of tuition room and board at a Uni. Worth finding out now!
And when I was in your EXACT shoes, I let my daughter figure it out. And you know what? She did usually bring up the grade! Many times, it wasn't even by fault of her own, the teacher hadn't entered grades, etc. But, I trusted her to make sure she did the work and she did it! Graduated from Texas A&M in 3 1/2 years due partly to her many AP/Dual Credit hours. For us, it worked.
