I'm a mom who feels really frustrated today. I can't pen point what it is except to say that I'm feeling like I just can't do enough for my kids. I feel that my job is robbing me of all my energy that I need to devote to my kids. But there is nothing that I can do about it. My husband works a full-time job during the day and a part-time job in the afternoon. I work full time during the day and I come home and try to be the best mom to my 3 and 1 year old boys. I usually feel frustrated and abandoned because I spend so much time alone with my boys. I feel that they should have their father around sometimes. They are also really active They wrestle each other and climb on everything. I spend most of the evening running up and down stairs and cleaning up the mess they make.
Sometimes I feel as if they are not eating well enough, getting enough attention or educational stimulation because I'm not around most of the day to give it. When I do get home I'm exhausted. Sometimes I feel that my job does not have a real purpose and I'm not really working towards anything. I often wonder what am I doing!
Is there anyone else out who often feels this way? How do you pick yourself up again to keep going.
My heart goes out to you--I felt sad to read your post. I stay at home and have for all the years of having kids. I can not imagine working full time and comming home to work some more. For me I am the best mom I can be because I do not work full time out of the house.
Now people could say I am blessed, but it also takes making choices. We go with out many luxuries because this is how I'd rather live.
I love it and have always been happy:)
B., it is the working mothers plight. I work full time, as does my husband. We examined if I could stay home, but with 2 student loans, a job that requires us to have high speed internet without company paying for it, etc, it was not an option.
I always wonder if my son is eating healthy. Some options I do: skip the craft macaroni and make your own. I use a mixture of (sounds crazy) cottage cheese, milk, mustard, cayenne, nutmeg, salt & pepper, and diced onions. Blend. Mix in bowl with REAL cheddar cheese, and diced tomatoes (drained). Put in 9 x 13 glass pan add bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. Bake at 375 for 45 min. My son loves this! So do we.
I make smoothies as well, mix Trader Joe's organic yogurt (only 2.99 for large container!) oj and banana. Better than store bought. Sometimes I add mango or whatever frozen fruit I have.
Try to purchase your snacks at Trader Joe's or Target (organics). They are the best prices for food that you can pronounce all the ingredients.
As far as your husband- get the book Raising Boys from the library. It describes how important a male role model is in your boys life. talk to him.
Take a deep breath and know you are not alone.
I feel bad for you and I'm not going to even act like I completely understand. I'm a SAHM to 4, but my husband does come home late most weeknights. I wonder if you could get a local teenager to watch the kids for 1 hour every night when you come home. I know you are thinking that you've been away all day and you don't want to have someone else watch your kids again, but in that one hour you could get a quick dinner going, and do somethings for you (quickly) and around the house and just breathe for a few. You could tell the sitter that you will give her $5 for the hour and her job is to PLAY with the kids (you may even want to look for a boy, he might be able to wrestle more with the kids). The point of the sitter would be for the kids to get some one/one with him/her and to let off some energy. You would then be able to sit down to a meal with the kids and give them some good attention since you wouldn't be distracted by everything else you had to do. It may be worth the $25 a week. Good luck.
S.
B.,
I sooooo know how u feel. Lately I have been feeling the same way but I have been working and running 2 households lately. My dad just had a triple bi pass on his heart plus a kidney transplant and my mother hasn't been herself lately either. if u know what I mean. So not only do I do my stuff at home I go to do their house too. To me it seems like alls we do is eat out cause of running around we do here. Like girl scouts ...and after school gym. By the time I get home from all the things to be done outside of the house....it is way easier to go thru drive thru or ... call for take out. So that leaves me to the question of how healthy was that for dinner lol. My husband does spend time with my son (22months) cause he is home in the mornings while I am at work. We see each other at the time clock ( we both work at walmart lol) to exchange the baby and a little kiss.... and its off to the running for me. Half the time I don't make it past 930pm and I am in bed, so there goes all the time for me. We have changed a few things lately in our patterns. Since he spends time with our son in the mornings.... we decided that once a month at least we would do something special with the older childern. (8yr girl and 9 yr girl) Like last friday we went to the movies. We have been waiting for the weather to warm up to be able to do more outdoor stuff. (nature walks etc..) Also I am goin to suggest FLYLADY.... http://www.flylady.net/index.asp
It is awesome. I joined the group about a month ago but really havn't done nothing with it until this last weekend. It talks about routines... and how it only takes 15 mins at a time to do things, not to waste ur time on endless projects. It sends u alot of emails but it is awesome ideas on how to do things. NOt only cleaning but setting aside time for family. This last weekend I took on the menu planning idea. The site is right... If we set a menu up and have the items in the home for dinner. It works out wonderful. Theres nothing to figure out at the last minute. We have done it for the last 2 nights now... and we even have ate at the table as a family with my husband coming home on lunch for dinner. Its crazy how our society raises us to form around it. I mean look at gas prices, daycare, food bills etc... As for saving thats a joke. To buy a house and to be able to keep it is another joke. Some of us have the choice to not work and some of us do work. Its how u spend the time out of work that counts in so many ways. GOOD LUCK and let us know what happens. We r all here for u no matter what.
B.
I am also a full time employee. I am a mom of 2 girls ages 11yrs old and 2 years old. Plus, I am currently going to school. I know how hard it is to feel like you don't spend enough time with your kids. Just take one day at a time and hang in there. As long as your kids know you love them you are doing your job right. I put off laundry or the dishes on my nights off and just spend some time with each of them. Remember the dishes can wait until they are entertaining themselves or after they go to bed. As long as your boys are not losing weight then they are eating all that they need. On the days when your husband is off ask him to spend some time with each boy alone so that they get that one on one time with him that they need. You can spend that time alone with the other one. Even if you go in seprate rooms it is still time with them alone. Hang in there and you will find the joy in each and everytime you spend with them.
I feel for you B.. Take a few deep breaths, and make a cup a tea. It sounds like your doing the best you can. Do both you and your husband need to work so much to make ends meet? Are there any luxury items you don't really need? If there is room to maneuver there you could see about working less.
Other than that make sure your getting lots of greens, and good veggies. How you eat makes all the difference in how you feel. So if that's the only thing you can change it's a good one. Greens have so many nutrients!
Sauted greens w/ garlic & lemon juice (use olive oil for the saute)
Blend a banana, chocolate soy milk and a handful of spinach.
My daughter dosen't eat veggies yet. I give her this. I also have one for breakfast w/ toast.
Add sprouts to your salads, there easy to grow. And you could make that a project w/ the boys, then eat some together.
Good Luck! A. H
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. You have received some good advice so far and I especially agree with Linda C on April 15. There was another person who recommended not keeping your children up later to spend more time with them and I definitely agree with that as well. Sleep is so vital not just for them, but for you. Lack of sleep can backfire very quickly and not that you need another ‘to do’ on your list, but if you’re interested in reading more about the topic, I recommend (from the library) a book called ‘The Promise of Sleep’ by Dr. William C. Dement.
One other book that you may be interested in is regarding working moms called: ‘This is how we do it’ by Carol Evans. It’s a fairly quick read and has many ideas on what it means to be a working mother. I personally found the book helpful, because it got me to think outside the box and realize that I’m not doomed to be an unhappy, grumpy parent who is constantly stressed out. There are many, many ways you can make changes and you have the power to make a change that does not work for your family. Maybe you cannot quit your job, but perhaps you can modify the hours you work, or as others suggested, hire some outside help whether it be weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. The important thing is to be open-minded and realize you have the power to take control of what is not working in your life.
There is one other piece of advice that gives me comfort and I’m not sure what the source was, but essentially, it is to play every weekend. Make it a priority every weekend to choose 1 thing to do for fun. This is very important for your sense of renewal and well-being. Ask yourself what can (I, we) do this weekend that we can look back on and say that was really fun. It does not have to be an all-day adventure or something that even costs money. The idea is to put your mind in the moment. Be simple. Have fun with your kids. Maybe since the weather is getting nice this weekend your fun will be to take your boys to the park. Bring your camera and take them on a picnic. Don’t let your mind wander during this time with all of the things on your ‘to do’ list. You need to be in the moment. That is what ‘quality’ time is all about. Maybe you don’t have ‘quantity’ time, but don’t ever assume that ‘quantity’ is equal or better than ‘quality’. It’s very easy to have ‘quantity’ time, yet be zoned out most of the time because you’re busy with your To-do’s.
Oh, and last but not least, you mentioned that you spend much of your evening running up and down stairs and cleaning the mess made by your boys. Maybe, especially since the weather is getting nice, you can take your boys somewhere. Take what little energy you do have and see about driving your boys to the park or beach for sandwiches or take them to dinner at Grandma/Grandpa’s house (if that is an option). If Grandma/pa is not an option, maybe you have other family or friends who enjoy your company. What I’m saying here, is to get out of the house. Once a week or so, during the work week. It breaks up the monotony and although you may feel exhausted after work, you may find that you are energized by doing something different. If it’s raining, maybe going to the mall so the boys can eat there and go on the merry-go-round after dinner. Think outside the box.
Don’t forget…bathtime & dinnertime is quality time with your kids too. And you can always teach them things during these routine tasks.
I hope you find comfort in all the advice you are receiving and will find peace in your life.
I also felt sad when I read your request, because I feel the same way and have for a long, long time. The choice to stay home is not available to everyone. We're dependent on my salary. And from what I'm hearing about the economy and future, it could end up worse for your family to skip any savings your job makes possible. I feel like I have to do many jobs, all full time. And I don't feel like I do any completely. The fact that you're concerned shows how great a mom you are. If your husband is working 2 jobs I'm sure he feels weary and has his own issues, but if you can tell him how your feeling, you'll feel better. If he's a typical male he'll think he has to fix it for you and may feel burdened. Have some specific requests like the ones mentioned about physical playtime with the boys (separately is a very good idea. because its so much easier!) Tell him you heard it will help them sleep better or something. Men like tangible goals. And love yourself for all you do. I know I don't always do that. I'm a perfectionist and feel vulnerable if things don't go how I envision them. My house is not very clean, my husband and I don't get couple time very often, and forget "me time". I hesitate to tell you my kids are 13, 11 and 9, because I always thought it would get easier as they got older, but it doesn't. Oh, and 1 thing I learned... Don't keep your kids up later to allow more time with you. Its not good for them or you. Rest, like diet, is critical to feeling well. I know many women reading this site would not approve, but you asked how we picked ourselves up and kept going: I take an anti-depressant, Welbutrin. My Dr. prescribed it just on my request, which is really bad, but I educated myself about it online and my sister said it helped her a lot. I don't plan to take it forever, but I just don't have time to feel bad! When I take B vitamins & Flax Seed Oil, exercise, sleep enough and eat well, I feel better. But I'm not so good at maintaining that. I doubt I made you feel any better, but you are most definitely not alone!
B.,
I feel for you. I also work full time and have 3 children (3 girl, 4 boy, and 5 boy years old). As with your family it is not always a choice for a mom to stay home. Without my income and INSURANCE my family would not even have the basics (forget cable and such). My husband also works late every night and gets home after the kids are in bed. I 100% know how you feel about never having time for yourself and I share all the worries you do. The demands of school (homework) alone are very demanding. My 5 year old has nightly homework and of course as a good parent (and full time school teacher) I worry daily about giving him the attention he requires to be successful. One thing I have started to do in the last few weeks since the weather has gotten nicer is plan to meet up at a local park after school with some of my kids classmate and moms and let the kids run and play for a hours and more while I talk to another adult and unwind after a long day at a demanding job. Stop worrying about meals. Make something easy but healthy and move on with the night. I am not sure where you live but if you ever want to talk or meet at a park please email me. It sounds like we are in the same boat (and we are trying not to sink).
Have a great day and take a nice walk outside - the fresh air always helps.
Yes. I have felt the way you do. I was a Mortgage Lender and a Bank Manager when my daughter was born. I went back to work when she was 3 months old...my husband works for a construction company and he pours concrete so he works as long as he has to. I dropped my daughter off at daycare at 7:30am and picked her up at 6pm Monday - Friday. I cooked one day on the weekend so my daughter would have food in daycare (we eat organic)... I was slowly going insane. I have been told that I was a great boss... my heart was not in it though. I know I wasn't a good wife and I really doubted if I was a good mother.
Almost two years ago we did the math and with the $600 we were paying in daycare and the clothes, lunches, dinners out, nylons, etc, we really weren't getting very far ahead with my income. We made some adjustments, we have a 30 year mortgage instead of a 10 year, we don't go out to eat very often, I make all of our food.
All that said... last year the company my husband works for cut his company gas card. So last year we paid $7000 in gas for him to go to and from work. We started looking for something for me to do from home around my families schedule. I did a lot of research and found a company that is not a party plan (I don't have the self control for them I would have a great collection), I don't make any deliveries, I don't have inventory and I earn an income without risk.
With my husbands schedule I could not go out and work in the evening or on weekends. So honestly this is the best fit for my family. I schedule my work around my family time. I have breakfast, lunch and dinner with my daughter every day.
I am a stay at home mom, but I am sure that your story is the story of just about every working mom. But I can tell you that it doesn't matter what way you do it, if you work or stay home, sometimes you are going to question your choice. If you work, you are going to feel guilty for not being with your kids. If you stay home, most of us feel guilty sometimes because we can't always afford the things for our kids that we would like them to have. The grass really isn't greener. Now, if being at home is really important, it can be done. It just takes some big sacrifices. You may have to go to one car or shop at Walmart and give up any extra things.(cell phones, cable tv) but if you truly believe that being home with your kids is the right thing for your family, it CAN be done. It all comes down to what YOUR priorities are.
Good luck. You can do it!
A few things come to mind, which may or may not help:
1. One of the real difficulties coming and going causes in parents (I know this because of watching my husband, a career sailor in the navy) is the frequent transitions between adult-only and child-filled worlds. Children are chaotic, random, easily excited, act out their excitement in ways that make them and other people around them uncomfortable and have limited social and verbal skills until they're about 17. Going from this to predictable and back is very challenging, and makes you feel crazy for simple and obvious reasons. Be aware of the transition you're making on your commute, and you'll find it easier to adapt to the different energy and wacky-yet-normal behaviour your children are exhibiting.
2. Martha Beck's book (out of print, sadly) 'Breaking Point' describes exactly what you're going through very well, with some suggestions about how to survive it without resorting to drugs (amphetamines are wonderful for getting 'everything' done, because they take the place of sleep) or insanity, disconnection or other unhealthy addictions that create as much chaos as they alleviate, at least eventually. She describes how each woman gets to figure out her own 'philosophy and values' scale, including what gets dropped when these conflicting lives collide. She explains that women are the last to go from the home, after we lost slaves, servants and finally men to the 'world of the enlightenment' -- where every human is equal and free to pursue life outside the home. When men left, women remained, so someone was there all the time. When women left, no one remained, so no one was doing *most* of what needs to be done with a home to run smoothly in the course of the average week. No one is there for someone ailing, for someone injured or for anything else 'outside the norm' of our increasingly commercial-based world. Some women just make it clear (to themselves, mostly) that their work life will be sacrificed if anything goes wrong with home. Some women make it clear that the sacrifice will be home. Some hire help so the sacrifice is made my finances and someone else's time (going back to the servant times, really). Some women just zone out completely and stop engaging in both. Some women just suffer endlessly, feeling always at the wrong end of the teeter-totter.... but it is about knowing which will get dropped, so you can live knowing which it will be, instead of trying to keep both in the air all the time (when sometimes it is simply not possible to do)...
Meaning: you need to find your real values -- the ones you actually want to live (rather than the handful you've adopted from society, your family, school and life in general, often without thinking very much about them). Finding YOUR values will make it possible for you to always live knowing that you are genuinely living the life that supports the most important parts of your life. That will entail giving things up, although what those things are will ultimately be about your values, no one else's. And they need to be about your values, no one else's -- because this is your life, and you aren't going to get to go back in 50 years and say 'oh, I don't like that result, I'm going to live that period a different way now.'
To live a life that is not filled with regrets is to choose the life that will give you the most of what you want with the least of what you value sacrificed for it.
Personally, it only took a moment to do the math: my kids in daycare, even before & afterschool care would have cost the majority of my gross income, leaving us either with $34 a month 'extra' from my full-time work, or, worse, $121 less than I was actually bringing home a month. A huge proportion of families are in this circumstance, and what they are actually spending is the increased debt they can carry based on the two incomes, not the money they're actually making from the second one. It's not always the case, but it is at least worth looking at, because it may be yours, too. You have to count ALL of the costs of working, including the increased grocery bill for prepared foods, the increased clothing budget, the increased travel budget (because of the 'I'm entitled to this' costs involved in working full time) and the extra vehicles, communting and overflow/emergency daycare costs.
3. And, in my opinion, every family with 2 working adults and children NEED housekeeping staff, even if it's just the local 14yo who does 4 hours on Saturday mornings for babysitting wages.
