Can a Controlling Person Change (If They Want To)?

A person can change with time and effort but only if they want to change/acknowledge a need to change. A person can't fix what they won't acknowledge is broken.

Keep going to counseling - you BOTH need to change and that's the best place to work on yourselves and your relationship.

Good luck!
:)

(Sorry this got so long, but it just flowed and flowed.)

YES. He CAN change.
YES. You CAN change.

There are several things you mentioned that stood out to me. Like he feels you don't pay attention to him like you did before the baby came. You probably don't. There was two, now there are three. I would recommend you "include him in" what you are doing and what you see needs to be done to keep home and hearth together. He is doing what the husbands did when my father and grandfather were first married. I am a product of what my father and grandfather taught me to do (by example) and what my mother and grandmothers taught me was what a good wife did (again, by example).

You need to write down the things you want your husband to do differently. When my wife and I got married, I had batched (Lived alone or with a room mate) for two years. I cooked and cleaned and washed clothes, bought groceries, paid rent, balanced a checkbook, saved and invested, etc. When we got married, I was going to cook dinner for my wife and she got real upset and told me the kitchen was hers and leave it to her. So I did. I left all the household chores I used to do to her, and she was happy. 20 years and 8 kids later she was going back to college to get her degree (Deaf Education) and she was overwhelmed. She came home one night after class (around 8 pm) and dinner wasn't started and the kids hadn't eaten yet. She made dinner and we ate. When it was all over and the kids were in bed, she told me she wanted the kids fed and ready for bed by 9 pm. She said she wanted some help because doing it all and studying for college was just too much. I asked her what she wanted me to do. (Remember she said the home chores was her domain and for me to stay out.) She told me what she wanted me to do (like having dinner ready) and so the next Saturday, I called a family counsil and we told the kids what she needed and we got down to dividing up the house and doing it. She no longer objected to me cooking so I did. I did a lot of things.

Sorry for the long story. Your husband is reacting because his world and devoted wife have changed and have left him behind. He is reacting to what has happened. That's why he didn't go upstairs to open the door. That's why he left the TV on too loud for you. He is reacting to your checking account because that's what he was taught by his dad and grandfather.

He needs to change. You need to let him know what has to change. BUT, BE NICE ! ! ! ! . I have money that spend that my wife has no say in. Not where or how or why I spend it. She has the same. The money I bring home is NOT my money. Its OUR money. The money my wife brings home is NOT her money, its OUR money.

Then remember, before there was a baby, there was your husband. After your baby is grown and off to college and living on their own, there will be your husband. Help him to help you. Tell him what you want. And you will probably have to tell him more than once. This will be a major change on his part. And it may be a change on your part too.

If you have any question on specifics, please feel free to e-mail me. Been there, done that and have washed the dirty t-shirt.

Good luck to you and yours.

Oh my! He is controlling and yes he can change if he wants to but it will take a long time. I suggest that his love cup is nearly empty and this is why he's this way. He needs to find a way to feel loved without depending totally on you.

I suggest reading The Five Love Languages. Each of us has our own way of feeling loved. I suggest that if the two of you can decide on a way to show your love that he can get better.

It sounds like you haven't told him that you also feel uncared for. If you haven't this would be a good conversation to have. Is he able to show compassion for others? If not, he may not be able to reciprocate with a love language for you.

I also suggest reading Non-violent Communication. It shows how to talk with each other so that each can better be heard and feel understood.

I think that the counseling should help if he wants it to. He may not be aware that he is acting this way and if he does then he needs to decide to change you can’t force him. I would mention what you have said here to him during one of the sessions and see what his reply is. He may also not know how you are feeling if you are not completely open to him about it.

If you don't mind my adding my 2cents - I'll venture to say that your husband has brought a lot of baggage into your marriage. My feeling is that if everyone had to "fend for themselves" when he was growing up, then his basic (or at least) his emotional needs weren't met. When it was just the two of you, he felt that he had that nurturing attention he is probably craving and has never had. When the baby entered the picture, he FEELS as if he was cast aside and that your attention is all on the baby - which, of course, is reasonable.

Healthy, emotionally mature men with no baggage (like my husband) know that a child needs care/attention around the clock for the most part. They understand that if their wife is attending to the baby, it is not that the husband isn't loved or needed - it's just that the baby takes priority. A person like your husband has issues from his past that make him feel slighted and abandoned by you when you tend to the baby. He is needy but probably isn't aware that he's that way because he will need therapy to understand that. When a person's emotional needs are not met in childhood, it causes huge problems for them in their relationships later in life (I should know, I've had therapy). This type of person often becomes controlling - sometimes to the point of being very difficult to live with.

If your husband is willing to explore his childhood with the helps of a therapist (he may need one-on-one therapy for himself aside from your couple's therapy), then he can face the demons and begin to understand why he feels the way he does. Please encourage him to stay in therapy. It will help him as a person and as a husband. Best of luck to you both.

This is a touchy subject for me. In my opinion if he wants to feel included...he needs to it step up - instead of sitting back and complaining. It's not your job to have to stop what you're doing with your baby or home duties to make sure he feels included. I know we still have wifely duties to perform and you should, but when there's a new baby...it's not about competition. And just know that the more you ALLOW him to control (such as your finances), it will just continue on and possibly get worse.

And most important, I have learned personally...you cannot change a person, but you can change yourself. Changing yourself will get his attention R. fast and maybe he needs an eye opener to see what's at risk. Change is something YOU have to do regardless of counceling...best wishes.

Just want to say I wish you the best. I can related because my ex husband was controlling (insecure). He had other obsessions like wanting me to go Everywhere with him! He also went ballistic if anything got lost or was broken. Oh, I can't believe I lived with that for 20 years! He too, was a good person, very good provider, but very controlling. My ex and I tried counseling, but sadly it didn't help us. I really hope you and your husband can work things out. Life is short! Please do whatever you can to have the best life for you and your family.

Since it doesn't seem like he is dangerous (ie physically abusive with you or your son, or escalating into that), then it seems like it would be worth going to therapy to get him to see how he needs to change and probably how you need to change to get the treatment you want and deserve. It is really hard to find a good partner in this world so if you have a good man underneath to work with, then I would try to make it work so long as HE is willing to work on it and improve.

However, you do mention several of the usual red flags for an abusive relationship and so I ask you to watch how he reacts to therapy. For example he may have an open mind and try his best. Or he may get more controlling and start escalating. If that is the case, please be careful and enlist your therapist to help you know where that line is. Good luck!!

Wow! I'd feel suffocated and controlled as well.
The thing is--husbands and wives are part of the SAME team, right?
Why is he fighting you every step of the way?
Idk, but I guess counseling is the next logical step and I hope it works for you!

the catch phrase in parenthesis caught me (if THEY want to).
If THEY WANT TO, then YES.

of course.
but most people don't want to.
khairete
S.