Calling All the Single Mama's with Young Children- Daddy Caught Red Handed

What does "Should I try counseling or just let it go?" mean? That doesn't sound like you are sure you want to leave. So, YES, get a little counseling to help you with your decision and focus on a plan.

I wouldn't just walk out. Get yourself a good divorce attorney and see her/him and make plans before you tell your husband. You don't want your husband to hide any assets.

Put him out. Immediately. He's got all these other 'chicks' he can go to (and who knows how many other kids). You can do so much better than him. And your kids are better off with no father at all than to live with this kind of example of how to treat people. You have no idea what diseases he has exposed you (and your unborn child) to. Get rid of him and take a break from men for awhile and concentrate on yourself and your kids. You'll get through this and it will get better.

Since this is your house not his, you are not leaving, he is and you just need to get boxes or bags and pack his stuff up and change the locks. You may choose to let him know you want him out by a certain date because this relationship isn't working for you. You don't necessarily have to tell him why.

In my opinion child support is not optional but mandatory. Your children have the right to be financially supported by both of their parents. Plan your work and work your plan. You will need to have an address for him in order to serve him with court papers. The beautiful thing about the child support of today is that if he works on the books, everything is social security number driven. They can confirm his pay and track him down through his social security number.

Have your network of villagers to help with the kids because it does take a village to raise children. You will need people who can help you with the children throughout their lifetime. When they are little and school aged, you need someone who can care for them when they are sick and can't be in daycare, you need great day care, you need babysitters for occassional evenings and weekends. You will also need someone to do some before school care and after school care too. The more help you have the easier things will be for you. The sooner you can develop a working routine for your family the better everyone will be.

He may be a lousy partner for you but he is a part of your children so NEVER degrade him or put him down no matter what he has done. Your children will by default associate part of them with him. Unfortunately things just don't work out at times but you pick yourself up, brush the dust off and keep it moving.

I am so sorry you are going through this but it is much better to know this before you marriage rather than after. Divorce is such an expensive proposition. I would also suggest you get some counseling for yourself. You need to get stronger in your emotions and what you want for yourself and your future. My mother would often tell me "People say exactly what they mean so believe them." He didn't lie to you. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Cut off the dessert bar, plan your work and work your plan. Save lots of money, build your village up, and move forward. You deserve so much better than this and your kids need to see you have better than this.

First things first, how can he deny any one it if you read his email... print those suckers out and shove it in his face, then tell him you are oving on... you seem strong and independent, and were ready to do it on your own in the beginning... the added stress of dealing with him can't be good for your present pregnancy.

Good luck, seek out help when you need it, and don't be afraid to ask for favors...

OH Honey my heart goes out to you...But you need to put him out.Your not married correct?If it is your house in your name pack up his things throw them into the trash bags send him on his way to the "new chicks"...If you want couseling then go for it.You may or may not receive child support but you can get help getting it.
Call you OB get in as soon as possible get HIV,& all STD's,vagianl exam for warts etc..YOu don't want to be carrying a treatable STD while pregnant and then passing it to baby it can cause great harm to baby.

J.,
I'm sorry this happened to you and you're going through this.
Just wanted to offer you support.
My niece is a single mom and she manages well quite. She is a teacher and has her son in preschool a few days and relatives watch him the other days.
You can DO this if you need to and want to. You have a powerful motivator: Your kids.
Good luck & God bless!

My heart goes out to you and your babies! You already know it is going to be one tough, long road to do it all by yourself, but you CAN! And, this may not be the popular opinion, but I think the younger your kids are the easier it is for them to adapt to him not being there. I kicked my ex out when my daughter was 3 and my son was 1. They of course have questions from time to time but since life with just Mommy is all they know, they don't really question it.

Get yourself a good attorney and find out all your rights. Don't know if you are married or not, but if his name is on the birth certificates, he is responsible for child support. I know, I know, he probably won't pay. I haven't received a cent myself yet, but you need to pursue it for the sake of your children. Also, if you go thru your state for child support enforcement, they will do a lot of the work of finding him and holding him responsible for paying.

Get counseling for yourself. You will feel a myriad of emotions over the next few months and even years. Having someone to help you sort them can be very beneficial to you. Also, you don't mention if you have a support system but I really hope you do. If it takes you moving closer to them, then do it. Having people around to help you is going to be soooo important in the future. Plus, you will be giving your children more people who love them and that they get to love and that is only going to help them.

Keep your head high and take it day by day for now. Before long, you will realize that you really are doing well! Good luck and remember to stay positive around your kids.

Please be strong. You CAN do this. This happened to me also and it is 5 years later and I am so happy. I had threats of taking my child away, he stole from me and his family spread lies about me. Hold your head high as you have done nothing wrong. Get a will made stating what you want for your kids if anything was to happen to you. (Honestly this used to keep me awake at night)
One way to look at it is you have a whole exciting future in front of you with your babies. I started college part time as soon as my daughter went to nursery and as she got older i put in extra hours. I now have a fantastic job and my daughter and I are so happy. I am my own boss and you can be too.

Good Luck x

J.,
First of all, A huge hug. I know you need one. Second, fortunately for you, you have decided to end this relationship!! There are many things you have in favor, I'm not clear if you guys are married, if you are well get a hold of those emails and contact a lawyer. If you guys are not, which is what it looks like, well, Unless he is not in your kids certificate, he is responsible for child support, and you can make authorities enforce his obligation to pay, which mean they will look for him, and find him. (Very helpful if you know his SSN & DL)
Having said that, you know that he is not going to shell out a penny without a fight, so even though its going to be harder, don't count on that money, and you will have to do it alone. Believe me, sometimes alone is better, way better.
I know it will be a big change for your children, and really tough, for them, but they will be ok, as long as you are strong with them and teach them to be strong. (Again, not an easy task)
I do suggest you get counseling, I'm sure you already know it will be very beneficial for you.
When one is in this situation, it is very easy to panic, so please, breathe, and keep yourself busy, focus on your children, your house chores, your job, or getting a job, whatever, and you will see how, little by little you will start thinking a lot less about him and a lot more about you.
Also J., Don't hold grudges (Again, terribly difficult) not for him, but for you. Let it go, in this sense: Accept that he is gone, he was never here for you. but don't let him walk away without facing his obligations.
My heart goes out to you, Good Luck!!
And remember, many women have done it on their own, and there is no reason why you couldn't. Like I said sometimes that is better.

J., you won't let it go. You will always have this in your mind.

Please find yourself some professional counseling; you need to know how to do this properly, for the sake of your children. There are legal things involved. You also need help to make a plan to support yourself and take care of your family.

Dear J.,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Especially pregnant. It's shattering and the very last thing you need.
However, that said, if it has to be this way, you are better off finding out now. Apparently, he didn't care if you found out about what he's been up to and you have. So, it seems the path is pretty clear.
As for counseling, I would definitely go. At least just for yourself. You need to work through your feelings of betrayal and hurt and anger.....

Believe it or not, you are in a better position than most women by virtue of not being married, owning your home and his name not being on any of your assets.
What I would do, and this is just me, is go to court to have paternity of your children established. Just because you are the mother, you do not automatically have custody. Talk to an attorney, but I would ask for sole legal and physical custody of your oldest child and unborn child allowing him some type of visitation with the older one, perhaps at your house on Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. Something like that.
This will start the ball rolling for a child support order.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about him going to another state. If that's what he wants to do, let him. He can only run from support obligations for so long. In the meantime, you can make it without him. If he is given any type of visitation and disappears....keep that documented.

I left my husband when my son was just a little baby and although we were married, etc, he was in the position to make sure I lost everything. It gave him pleasure to do so. Your partner can't kick you and the kids out of your own house. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you can definitely do it on your own.

The choices you make are yours, so you should do what you think is best, but I wouldn't want to stay with a man who feels trapped and apparently keeps a journal of his conquests. No way.
A good friend of mine put up with her boyfriend cheating. She didn't like it, but she was pregnant with yet another kid, was afraid to try to make it on her own, and I guess she thought he'd stop sooner or later.
He did. He went to the hospital the night the baby was born, with his new girlfriend, and told her he was leaving her.
You have to know that nothing you do or don't do will change him. You can't change the fact you have 2 kids, you can't change the fact that he feels trapped. You can "untrap" him though.

I'm going to keep you in my thoughts.
Remember to take good care of yourself. Make sure you eat as well as possible, get rest. You still are carrying a baby that needs you do those things.
Talk to someone about getting some counseling and what your legal options are in your state.

I wish you the very best.