Bullying - Kaysville,UT

Honestly, I will be teaching my child that it is okay for her to defend herself if someone puts their hands on her first. I know it may not be PC or popular, but kids like that need to be put in their place. "Using words" and trying to take the higher ground don't always work. I think we all know that once a bullied child stands up to his bully, it most likely will stop. I honestly think that it's gotten so out of hand because kids are taught not to fight back or assert or stand up for themselves like they did back in the day.

If your son is getting punched, he needs to report it to the bus driver, the bus monitor and the principal as SOON as it happens and he gets to school. You can't do anything to help him when he tells you 3 days later.

You can ask the bus driver to assign him a seat close to the front of the bus so that he won't be near these boys, will be within the view of the bus driver so that when these things happen, the driver will be in a better situation to see or hear it.

We had a similar situation with my son on the playground for a few years. We had meetings, etc. nothing helped. Then the boy just stopped. They were in the same class (3 years running, grumble) and last year he just stopped picking on my son. They actually became friends.

Help your son stand up for himself. Teach him a few zingers.
Instead of him saying 'quit it', 'stop it', 'leave me alone', 'i'm telling'

try: - 'so you've said. get over it.'
- 'fine. you're boring me.'
- 'makes it easier to see at night'
- 'so better to see you with.hehehe.'

Give your son permission to defend himself. If the older boy hits or punches him, give your son permission to hit him back one time. That's usually all it will take. Again, my brother had this problem when he got to middle school. bigger, older kid was picking on him for being smart. so he started getting bad grades, keeping to himself, having a bad attitude. Mom found out and said I don't think so, what's going on? So brother finally told her that he'd been getting picked on in the hall by this kid - tripped, back of shoes hit, books knocked out.
All 5 of us looked at him and said one hit. That's all it will take. You are getting picked on because they know that they can and you won't do anything. Brother: But I'll get sent to the principal! Mom: 'so, I will gladly pick you up, and give them a piece of my mind while I'm there'.

A few days later brother comes RUNNING and WHOOPING into the house. 'I DID IT! I DID IT!'. Did what? I stood up! What? ... the kid started picking on him, tripped at his shoes, knocked his books to the floor. brother took a deep breath. turned and shoved the kid against the wall! Looked him in the eye and said 'Do NOT do that again!' .... and then walked away. That kid NEVER bothered my brother again. One time is all it took, and he didn't even have to hit him!

this happened to my daughter...I met the bus and the kids and asked if their parents were home that I'd like to talk to the parents about their kids behavior. Went to parents house and talked to parents...it stopped. You can't be afraid of confrontation when it comes to your sons safety. The older boy hitting him would set me off really quick. I have also taught my kids (all 4 of them) that they have every right to defend themselves. If they are being hit they can HIT back HARD. It only takes one time of standing up for yourself and no one bothers them again. Even if they get in trouble with the school bus... They do not get in trouble at home. Too many bullies are allowed to go on and on with no one putting them in check. I agree with your husband about the target thing...however I also believe allowing it to go on and on will also set your son up as a bully target. Deal with it now. Saves a ton of stress later. Good luck!

My dad is a bus driver, he would want to know if one of his kids is being picked on. You can always let him know quietly that there is a problem. If he/she is smart, like my dad is, he will keep an eye out and not make a big deal out of it.

In fact he did have a similar problem, kids are sneaky and they know when to act up. Since bus driver actually have to watch the road more than the kids, a lot can go on that the bus driver doesn't catch. One kid would wait until dad was driving and would torment the younger ones. One of the kids finally told him, so my dad started paying extra attention to the trouble maker and sure enough, boom caught him. He wrote the kid up and the school suspended him from the bus for a couple days.

Remember, bus drivers have no real power, and the kids know it. All dad can do it write up the offender, it's up to the school to enforce it.

Why doesn't he just sit up by the bus driver?

Especially when it gets physical -something needs to be done! You should speak to the driver AND the principal of the school. It shouldn't make your son a bigger target, and it will put something on record about him being punched by the older brother. He needs to learn to fight back at some point, but these days it's a dicey field when it comes to that. He must NEVER hit first, but he needs to get mean with them. Obviously ignoring them isn't working. Perhaps he should try saying to them, "Yeah, I've got big eyes. So what? Why are you so interested -are you in love with me or something?" Often making the bully a butt of a joke in front of others puts an end to it. Sometimes it makes it worse -but definitely speak to the driver and the principal. Your son does NOT need to expect being hit or teased every day!

Ignoring bullies doesn't make them stop. Learning snappy comebacks does. Teach your son some snappy comebacks to their taunts. And have him sit by the bus driver.

Megan C.: great advice.

Being Punched?
That is too far.

The teasing is not right either, especially since you son has asked them to stop.

Yes, speak with the bus driver.
2 kids teasing/picking on your son is too much.

IMO some teasing IS bullying, but it depends I guess, on intent...and I'm sorry to say, but experiences I have had as a child and that both of my kids and husband (as a child) have all had, ignoring does not always work. Unfortunately, that's the way it is. Bullies and aggressors love to find someone they think is weaker and will not stand up for themselves and it's usually because this person feels inferior somewhere else in their life and needs to feel powerful.

We always encourage our kids to try to ignore this behavior if they can first! BUT, when that does not work, to stand up for themselves (and yes, if there is physical altercation going on...YOU need to get involved!) This is your child and he is only 9...time to make this stop!

It sucks that we have to even worry about bullies or teach our kids how to deal w/ them. And it seems to be getting worse (daughter is in middle school now and you would not believe some of the things that she has put up w/...luckily, she knows how to deal w/ it and knows when to go to an adult about it.)

Also, make sure your son understands that some people are just mean and that they are wrong about his "big eyes" and that his eyes are his best feature and you love them. Reassure him that he is wonderful and loved, no matter what any little jerks might have to say! And teach him to be strong and to keep this communication open w/ you and your husband. He needs to know he always has you in his corner! Good luck w/ this!

I would have him sit up next to the bus driver.

However, I would also tell my child they are allowed to defend themselves. I enrolled my boys in Tae Kwon Do - it made a HUGE difference in their self esteem and abilities.

In regards to the hitting? I would tell the school IMMEDIATELY. That is NOT acceptable BY ANY MEANS. PERIOD.

It also helps if you son learns to be witty - witty comebacks to a bully will always stop them in their tracks - especially when other kids laugh at THEM instead of their target....try teaching him some witty come backs...

Buses are hell... At least they were when I was in junior high/ high school and I doubt they've gotten better in the last 20+ years!

I would talk to the driver and have him sit up front. Or drive him or find a car pool....

I would talk to the bus driver and the principal about the hitting! Insist that the parents be notified. for the teasing I would have him practice at home, I have my first grade students practice what to do when some one says something mean, in this case the best retort might be a simple "why do you feel the need to talk about my eyes every day?" "why do you care about my eyes?" practice the tone of voice saying "Oh well I like my eyes" in a manner that makes it clear he is not bothered by this remark.
http://urbanext.illinois.edu/conflict/index.html has some example scenarios

Don't wait! Bullies will not go away just because you ignore them...it will just keep going and probably getting worse. My almost 8 year old went through a similar situation at school last year, and we finally had to pull her out and switch to a different school that would take a harder approach. If your son is ok with you talking to the bus driver, PLEASE do it!

Bullies get satisfaction from any response that they get from their intended victim. The best option is to give them nothing, a blank stare as if they are mute. Or better; smile or laugh at them to get them off balance, not the reaction they expected/wanted. It is harder to change once they have a pattern established and it takes more concerted effort and strength on the part of the victim.

What works with my son, similar age, similar circumstances (playground) is to roll play on making fun of the bullies put-down, anticipating come-backs. Other options are to laugh at himself and the bully and agree that "yes, my eyes are big" as he widens his eyes for effect. Bullies thrive on the power they have to hurt feelings. My son and I discuss the "power to ignore". The bully might try a few more times, but if you don't give him the power and satisfaction of letting him know that he hurt your feelings, he'll get bored after awhile and move on to the next victim.

It helps my son to talk about what he's being picked on for, and apply a little motive and logic to it. For example, I'm sure that your son has beautiful big eyes. Maybe he should feel sorry for the bully, he's just jealous that his eyes aren't as big. Come at it from pitying the bully rather than choosing to feel hurt. We can't choose what others say, but we can choose how we react to it.

I would hope that your school system has a way to handle this type of stuff with out blowing your son's social cover. The bus driver should know. Is there an older child your son could sit with, not to defend him, but more for emotional support? You might start by asking the advice of your principal or school counselor if you trust him or her. The unsupervised time on the bus with the captive audience/victims of children riding to and from school is prime bullying time, unfortunately. The other side is that the bully probably needs help/counseling too, maybe he is being picked on at home.. Happy children aren't bullies...

Hope that some aspect of this helps. I don't envy your position, it's no fun. Best of luck!

Your Husband is right! That is unless you want your son to develop the rep of a tattletale which will only increase the bullying.

Ignore is the best solution, as bullys hate to be ignored as they seek a rise in others---hence when ignored they don;t get that rise and eventually quit as they seek another victim.

Your son is now 9, not 9 months!