Hi everyone. My 9 year old daughter is best friends with a boy in her class who likes "girly" stuff. I have no problem with that. The kids in the class on the other hand don't understand why he likes girl things. My issue is with his dad who up until the past couple of months has been really nice and friendly. It started at a class party a couple of months ago when he basically accused my daughter of lying. My daughter said that his son told her to keep a secret and not tell his dad that he didn't eat his fruit. Well, his dad asked her what he said and she told him the truth and his son told him he didn't say that. Anyway, we moved past that. The other day at another class party all of the sudden my daughter got up and came crying to me, the dad got up and told me that the kids were all telling him that his son plays with dolls, etc and that he told them to change the subject and that my daughter kept going and he told me "that's enough!" I was very surprised and a little scared that he used that tone with me. So, I take my daughter to the bathroom so she can tell me her side and she says that she didn't keep it gong and that he was asking all of the kids questions about his son, like who picks on him and that he was going to pick on anyone who picks on his son. She said the reason she started crying was because he slammed his fists down on the table and told her to "Stop it!"
When I came back to get my daughter's things he wanted to explain things and I told him that she said he kept asking them questions and he denied it. He only apologized for the way she reacted. He said he didn't know she would react that way and I said that she's just a child. I have heard him before myself at parties ask the kids questions and be direct with them. My daughter is scared now of seeing him or anything. The teacher told me that she needed to tell me something but I was so mad that I didn't ask her when or anything.
Like I said, my daughter and his son are best friends but I would really prefer that she not be friends with him anymore at all. I never really wanted her to be friends with him in the first place because he seems to use her and tell her that he won't play with her if she doesn't let him have something or whatever, but I figured she would have to learn on her own.
How should I handle this? The dad just denies everything. Should I try and explain to my daughter that I think it's time to end their friendship? How do I handle the fact that she is scared of his dad now and we see him every day when I drop her off?
Thanks for any advice!
ETA: I guess I should explain that when the teacher told me that she needed to tell me something the dad was still there and she lowered her voice when she told me this as if she didn't want him to hear her. So, based on that and the fact that he was denying what he did and I just wanted to get out of there I figured she would tell me later or I could set up a meeting with her. Also, she has no background in teaching, she has a background in psychology. The principal hired her at the last minute this year so evidently she isn't aware of the things teachers and parents usually do at parties (she also has no children of her own). I don't have a problem with her (unless of course she wants to tell me that it's MY child that has the problem, lol!) Just wanted to clear that up! :)
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. I ended up emailing the teacher and apologizing for the way we left and told her that I knew that she said she had something to tell me. She replied and said that she completely understood and that she didn't have much to say but that she did see what happened. So, when I went back to the school she pulled me aside and said that she saw the whole thing and she was really hoping that I saw it. She couldn't believe he did that and he talked to her like she was an adult. He then went to the principal to tell his side of the story and ask why his son gets picked on or something and the teacher told the principal that all the kids get picked on, it's someone different every day. I did let the teacher know that if I'm not there she is not allowed to go near him and he is not allowed to go near her. So anyway, thank you again!
That dad is afraid - and can't stand it and what he thinks about his own son! Therefore he is covering it up this way and trying to control everything (asking the kids questions) as much as possible so it doesn't "reflect" back on him. He thinks if he controls the kids, he'll be able to control the parents - ROFL!
First, talk with the teacher. She said she has something to tell you. Whatever it is may make your questions moot.
As to helping your daughter move on to a different best friend expose her to other children. Arrange for play dates. Encourage her to talk about other children and why she might like them. Show her how to enlarge her circle of friends. Be light handed so that she will feel that including others is also her idea. Make suggestions and encourage her to spend time with others.
Encourage her to talk about this boy. Ask her how she feels when negative things happen. Tell her it's good for her to move away from him when she feels uneasy or angry with him. Anger us a way to know we need to make a change. Focus on how she feels and how she can take care Iif herself. Listen more than talking. Be aware that he may be her best friend because he doesn't have other friends. She may feel that she is helping him. Don't take that away from her if so. You want to encourage kindness and compassion.
As to being angry with the father why waste your emotional energy on him. Focus on helping your daughter understand that there are unreasonable people in her world. Both of you learn how to let the hurt and anger go. Model for your child that what others say and do is not really all that important. What is important is feeling secure, knowing that the other's actions are not a reflection on us. Our assessment of who we are and what we do is very much more important than what some unreasonable person says or does.
My response to your daughter would be along the lines that I'm angry that he said that. That you know she didn't lie.That he was wrong to say those things. I'd hug her and take her back to my seat. If she wanted to back to play I'd help her find a place away from him or stay with her to model how to gracefully manage him. . By doing this you are teaching her that you both have power to take care of yourselves, that this man is not going to take any thing away from you Iincluding enjoying the party.
When you leave the party in anger you have given him the power to hurt you and your daughter. I understand your reaction. It's normal. It took time for me to learn how to finesse these sort of situations. I'm much happier now that I've taken my power back.
When you see this father be civil. Show him that what he says is of no concern to you. Because he doesn't show a willingness or ability to understand don't try to talk with him either by himself or with others. No need to subject yourself to more of his defensiveness.
Show your daughter how to be comfortable with herself. How what he says really has nothing to do with who you and your daughter.
If this father is behaving inappropriately at class parties - questioning children, confronting them, making them upset, then the teacher needs to know. This parent may not know how he's supposed to act at these parties, that they aren't an occasion for him to question other kids about his son. If he has questions about his son, he needs to discuss that with the teacher, not the children.
Speak to the teacher about this, but also, speak to your daughter. Let her know that she is not required to answer this man's questions about his son and should walk away if he attempts to do that again. It's also best if she refrains from talking about this boy's feminine habits or preferences with others. I'm saying that as the mom of an FtM trans young adult.
Life was so much easier when parents didn't micromanage their child's social lives! That is what both you and that dad are doing and trying to do! You by directing her friendship and him by trying to change the perception of his son.
Let your daughter work through this, it is her friendship.
Honestly, that dad sounds immature and messed up. I would tell your daughter to be polite, but just not talk to that dad. If she is uncomfortable with him asking questions tell her to walk away and not talk to him. Tell her to just keep away from him. Not engage. At class parties I would be active in keeping her at a bit of a distance. I would not leave her alone with him since he thinks it is ok to interrogate her forcefully like that. I would start to set up playdates with other kids that are not that little boy and start encouraging other friendships. I would also turn down playdates and social events of any kind from them and just be busy with other things in life. Surely she can just play with that boy in class and not interact with the dad at all. Avoid him at drop off and pick up...and teach your daughter to as well. The year is almost over...they hopefully won't be in the same class next year.
Wow, I feel sorry for his son.
Personally, I would explain it as I see it. The dad is sensitive about his son and because he is sensitive, you can stay away from him and do not have to answer any of his questions. If he asks you questions, I really want you to turn and walk away from him. You can go sit by the teacher.
I would talk to the teacher. Parents in the classroom should only be helping with school related stuff, not gossiping and asking the children personal questions.
Where WAS the teacher during all of this?
I have spent many, many hours in the classroom, as a parent, volunteer and school employee and I have never witnessed this kind of behavior.
Please talk to the teacher, and let her know your concerns about another parent behaving inappropriately. SHE needs to deal with it.
I'm really confused as to why you didn't make an effort to talk to the teacher.
Honestly, my son is in first grade and I'm already at the point that if *anything* hinky or strange happened at the school, I would talk to the teacher-- NOT the other parent-- right away.
Please re-read Marda's very excellent answer. To be honest, when I first read this, I thought it was a troll post. Mainly because you blew off the one person-- the teacher-- who can help you make heads or tails of things. It is also within the power of the teachers and school administration to suspend parents from visiting the class/school unless they are there for drop-off/pick-up. I have teacher friends who have asked their principal for this for PRECISELY the reason you describe. The teachers/admin look with a fair amount of consternation at parents who are questioning kids in an unfriendly way. It's one thing to problem-solve in the moment about something we parent volunteers are there to do (for instance, helping kids take turns in a game) , but quite another to be asking the questions this father in particular was asking. It may very well have been that had you gone to the teacher, she might have had some information for you which would have put your mind at ease. Don't let your emotional reaction get in the way intelligently responding to a situation. Instead, talk to the teacher and then, if necessary, the principal. My guess is that the teacher is well aware of the situation and had identified this problem already.
A whole bouquet to Marda!
Well if you are up to it, I would meet with this dad and the mom and have a heart to heart. Better to just put it out there and let the chips fall where they may. If you need the school Counselor , Assistant Principal or Principal to mediate, do it. You and your daughter have nothing to worry about or be upset about, This is his problem.
Sometimes Adults misbehave, explain this to your daughter. Also explain his tone is what actually makes him scary, but that may just be is voice. I am trying to recall a children's book that has a character that is a gruff sounding and looking man in it, but you find out he is just "a worrier and a loud talker. "
I would remind the other parents , these are just children. That your daughter and their son are good friends and you can tell that they like and respect each other.
Then you tell them, that IF they cannot treat your daughter with respect, without making her upset and nervous, then you are no longer going to be able to allow your daughter to play wit this boy. And next year you are going to make sure they are not in the same class room.
My father had a "Presence and a tone". We were mostly used to it, but no other children that we knew grew up like this, so it really made them feel uncomfortable and nervous.
My mother tried to explain this to him, but he always became defensive about it. He was acting like his own parents had treated him, he did not know any differently.
What ended up happening is that we just did not invite people over.. that is until our parents divorced.
This dad needs a wake up call. You cannot solve his problems, but you can put him on notice you will not accept this behavior towards your daughter, ever.
He owes her an apology, with you as a witness.
I feel sorry for his son, his father is a Bully Parent.
I don't understand why you blew the teacher off when she was clear that she needed to speak with you. You must have no respect for her as a teacher or person. Any reasonable parent would immediately deal with a teacher if the teacher requests it.
Who cares if her background is psychology and she has no children!!! It sounds like her hands are full with parents trying to control her classroom. I bet she has some great analogies if all the parents of her class and she probably understand things better than you know.
As a teacher, I wouldn't put up with parents like that. At our school the principal will step in if parents get out if control.
Who says the dad is a bully? Here we go again overusing the term bully. He's not making you do anything you don't want to do. He's just being overbearing with his child ( as many parents are.... You included)
Children do so much better when they work with each other through their differences. When parents butt in just to be a helicopter or control everything is screws with the dynamics the children have and in the long run the children never learn how to deal with issues on their own.
Why are you so defensive about the teacher talking to you possibly about your perfect angel. Get real.... All of the children play a part in this drama and no one is perfectly innocent.
I feel sorry for this teacher and all the students in her class.
I'm sorry, but if that father had scared my daughter, I would have told him to stay away from both of us. You do NOT have to put up with this. You just flat out say "LEAVE MY CHILD ALONE."
Do it. If it puts the kabosh on the kid's friendship, so what. It's NOT worth it.
You should have talked with the teacher. I don't understand why this dad is allowed to interact with the kids in this way - asking them all these questions. That's strange to me!
