Bullies!! Aaahhhh

If the girls are being bullied at school talk to the teacher. The school has a responsibility to stop the bullying. I understand that kids are scared that if you do something the bullying will get worse. One question to ask them is will the bullying get any better if you do nothing. Most bullies think you will do nothing so they continue doing it because they can get away with it. There is a great web site with more information www.stopbullyingnow.com. Good luck.

My daughter's school has started a bully program. They printed special shirts to wear once a week. The teacher can pull a strip if any bullying activity is reported to her. Name calling and teasing are bullying and the kids have really improved in her class. I don't hear any of that stuff any more.
K.
Kansas

I have this issue with my daughter too, not to the point of taking snacks, but mean words and actions. I have contacted the principal often, and now i am insisting on a group meeting with those girls parents or parent . it's amazing the things these girls say. my daughter is 10 and she wants me to change her to a different school she is so tired of them. i don't know the age you are dealing with but get in the face of the director of the school or principal and let it be known that you are not going to accept this behavior from these or that child. good luck...

These girls continue because they see weakness. I agree that somethings needs to be said to the principal/teachers but often times the bullying gets worse & more secretive. Until your girls are able to stand up for themselves this will most likely continue. I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and have seen many kids come through our studio. It amazes me how their confidence changes. One girl shared how she had been bullied at school. One day she was being bullied and all she did is go back into fighting stance and the boy ran away. Martial Arts teaches confidence and self control...not to beat up everyone that crosses their path. Our instructors are very good at helping our kids learn how to stand up for themselves without having to use their hands unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't agree with walking away or ingoring the problem hoping it will disappear. I do believe in finding ways to build self confidence, elimating the weakness that the bullies are praying on so that they are able to stand up for themselves. I don't know where you are located but if you are interested in getting your daughters enrolled in Tae Kwon Do/self defense we have studios in Blue Springs, Liberty & Lee's Summit. Our instructors, the Pruter's, have been doing Tae Kwon Do for over 27 years and have a wonderful christian background. The studio is very family oriented and parents often find themselves joining classes along with their kids. Good luck!

I have dealt with this situation, it was happening at home and at school, I talked to the perents first and found out that their childs behavior came from them, so I was not going to get anywhere.
I also talked to the principle and had my daughter in counseling for it.
I got no where.....I was so frustrated and frustrated at my daughter because I did not understand her tolerating this....I would have already put a stop to it.
I was not a bully but I also never tolerated being bullied.
It is the helpless feeling of listening to your child cry about it and feel like there is nothing you can do.
I cant tell her what I would have done back in my day.
So let me tell you what I did do...
I explained to her the anatomy of a bully and why they do what they do, I told her that they may be having problems at home, and that they suffer low self esteem for whatever reason, and that generally they prey upon children they are jealous of.
Before explaining it to her that way she felt it was her fault and that people just didn't like her, but after the talk she realizes it is their problem and she finds it easier to ignore them, she stays away from them, and I dont hear much about it anymore,
She said to me the other day "you know mom your right, when I dont give them the reaction they want they leave me alone"
My daughter used to cry and I told her thats what they want to see, and if you do that you are giving them bullies what they want. She now just say's WHATEVER to them and walks away proud.
good luck to you and your child.

R.S. Bullies, Yuck!!! Well not alot has changed since I was a kid in that arena. Let me tell you something about bullies....Usually their parents are people of society that don't like or have problems with different sects in the human society period. Your children are correct, the bullies parents are probably bullies themselves. I would definetly speak with the principal as well as the teacher and explain that you want consequences for this type of behavior and it should not be tolerated. Your children are in the beginnings of developing self-confidence and other children bullying them will make it much worse. Another thing is people do this to others whom they think can't take it. As your children get older it will probably be important for them to learn to defend themselves. As a child I was bullied regularly and no one did anything and it did not help my self-esteem in the least. When I made it to Middle school, my Dad said no more and he told me if they touched me, I needed to defend myself and I did and it ended.... I would hate for your child to have to go to fists over something like this. The administration should not be allowing this. If going to the teachers and Principal doesn't work go to your local PTA. Bullies should not be welcome. IGNORING IT DOESN'T WORK. Children will find other ways to annoy their classmates. Stepping on their shoes, spitting in their food, taking their lunch money. What ever you do, DO SOMETHING....Yes you speaking with administration will probably get them addressing the parent of the Bully, but in doing so, you take you as well as your child out of the equation...Plus YOU will need the support of those people at the school. It's sad that life has to be this way, but chances are the parents of the bullies are themselves HATERS of some sort...I'm sorry, it does get better.............. ;) J.

RS-
This is one of the most difficult parenting challenges I think. You didn't say, but I'm guessing this is happening at school. The first thing I would recommend is to inform your daughter's teachers about the situation giving specific examples. They need to be your eyes and ears at school to keep your children safe.

Also, I have found it helpful to role play with our son how to react in a situation where he is being bullied. He had a hard time even doing this, so we encouraged him to take on a character...how would Luke Skywalker repond if someone took his pencil or pushed him in the coat closet? Well, Luke Skywalker wouldn't let anyone push him around. This seemed to work, but we had to practice a lot.

We also told our son that it was okay to defend himself with words (or even with physical actions if it came to that) and that he might face a consequence at school for doing so, but he would not be in trouble at home if the situation involved bullying. He was very reluctant to want to stick up for himself and his bully was very discreet in his "attacks."

I don't have daughters, but have heard interviews with the author of the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees." It is about girls who bully. Perhaps it might have some other suggestions for you.
K.

If it is happening at school...let the school know. Schools now have 0 tolerance for bullying. Sometimes the teacher misses it though - so make the teacher aware also. If she is taking their snacks then it becomes stealing. You didn't post ages but there are age appropriate ways to deal with bullying also. It sounds like they might be younger. They need to be taught to ignore bullies...or play into them with humour. The taking of snacks though would be impossible to ignore. Sometimes calling the parent backfires because the apple does not fall far from the tree so to speak. Just a side note. If the girls take their own snacks you could set the bully up. An appealing snack on the outside with something not so appealling inside? Just a thought.

Is it happening at school? Tell the counselor and principal. They can watch out for it and try to stop it. Our school has a strict "no bullying" policy and kids can get expelled for it. You might want to check with them.

I'm really sorry your girls are going through this. Tell them to try to be strong and to ignore as much of it as possible - sometimes bullies feed of of reactions.

Hang in there. Best.
J.

You did not say how old your children were. Are they in school? If they are in school do not let this continue. Talk to the Principle about the bullying. Have the Principle talk to the other parents, without mentioning your names. This is abusive behavior, and will continue, maybe even get worse if it is allowed to continue. The school staff are supposed to watch out for this type of conduct. Do not let them continue to allow this to happen,and do not allow the school staff to place the blame on your children. I just went thru this type of thing with my granddaughter and a girl at her school. They did seperate the two girls and my granddaughter is much happier, and has brought her grades up. V.W., hutchinson

Hi R S,

Well with my kids I have and will take a different stance on this with my kids. For instance with my oldest now 16 yrs old, when he was in Kindergarden and riding the bus he had an older kid hitting him, I told him to never take poop off anybody and you do whatever you have to to protect yourself, I also told him that he didn't need to go around starting fights but he needed to stand up for himself. So the next day he was on the bus and sure enough the kid hit him again so my son hit him back and had no mercy on him.....that boy never touched him again.
When my son was a freshman in high school, a boy in the same grade punched him in the face, so my son turned around and punched him back, before my son was hit and hit the other boy he told him you lay a hand on me in anyway, shape or form, I will hit you back in the same way.

So I once again, my 7 yr old gets on the bus and he is being picked on and I told him the samething. This kid was only being verbally abusive to him so my son told him I do not have to listen to you and you need to stop talking to me in that way. For whatever reason this boy listened and we have never had another problem.

So now I have 2 girls 3 yrs and 16 months and when the day comes I will explain to them the samething and tell them to stick up for themselves.

So what would I tell my girls if they were in your girls situation. I would tell them to say in a loud voice if a girl or these girls are calling them names to "stop calling me names", if they tried to take their snack I would tell them to yell loudly "no, this is my snack, leave me alone". There is no harm in teaching our kids to stick up for themselves. Once these bullies know they can not get by with it anymore they will quit. I think that we do a great injustice to our kids not allowing them to stick up for themselves. I think the path we lay for them now will greatly effect them later in life. For instance if you instill in them now that people can take advantage of them now when they are young then people will when they get older. This could be in boyfriends and friends that ar girls. If we teach our children to stick for themselves some of this peer pressure of drugs and sex and things like this will not effect our children. We have to instill in them that they should have confidence in themselves and to stand up for themselves.

So what to do ?? Tell your kids to stand up for themselves however they must and to never take poop off anybody. I would much rather my child get in trouble at school or wherever for sticking up for himself rather then not.
I'm not saying I want my kids to go around starting fights but I do want them to stand up for themselves. Thats what we all should want. Nobody should have to put up with this and as soon as the kids that are stop then the bulling will stop. Bullies are bullies because they can be and nobody will stop them.
I was bullied middle school also but I also told myself that I was not going to put up with it and I didn't and they stopped.

So this is my advice, W.

Yes, we contacted the principle and he is aware the child is a bully, they monitor him, talk to the parents, etc. Please let someone at school know. Does your child have outside activities to build self confidence? many websites recommend Tae Kwon Do, Karate, etc. Also, if at home, we have a situation where an older child was hitting, we told him next time he hit our child we would call the police, the child is basically good, he always apologizes afterward. Good luck and keep building your childs confidence

Where are they being bullied at? If it is at school, how about talking to the principal? If it is in their classroom, how about the Teacher. Chances are if your daughters are being bullied, whoever is doing the bullying is also doing it to other girls.
When I felt my daughter was being bullied by another girl in her class I did both of the above. The teacher could watch out in the classroom and at recess to see if anyone pulled my daughter aside. The principle started having one of their classes (character class) discuss bullies and how not to be bullied. No names were ever stated, including when I talked to the teacher and Principal. If I had felt it was severe or not getting better I would have been a little more specific. In turn, all the kids discussed together what it feels like to be bullied and discussed reasons why bullies do what they do.
In my daughters class, it turns out a group of girls was being bullied. They decided in class that they would start standing up for one another, and they stood in unity against the bully and it wasn't long before the bully decided it was no longer fun or profitable to be a bully....most of the time.
I also recognised for some reason unknown to me my daughter had a very low self-esteem. I started working at home to do what I could do to improve her self-image at the age of 8. We used books that we read together and talked about what they meant together. I also took her to a good friend who is a hypnotist who taught her relaxation techniques and positive reinforcement thinking.
I didn't know how much it actually helped until the next school year when one of the bully boys in her class made ugly comments to her. She says she stood up and turned to him and asked him "please do not speak to her that way. She told him she was an awesome person and she was sorry that he could not recognise it. She was smart enough now to know he really knew nothing about the real person she was and she would not allow him to say hurtful things to her anymore, she did not belive any of his words." The other girls in her class overheard her and they told him he was being rude and that he needed to stop hurting others with words.
She says the boy was shocked because she had never had the courage to talk that way to anyone before. The boy has never bugged her since. She was 10 then.
Hope something helps you find the right answers for your daughters.

I just recently dealt with the same thingwith my daughter, who is 9. I spoke to the little girls babysitter to see if she was having problems with her, which she confirmed. THen I called the principal and spoke with her about it. The very next day she called in my daughter and the other girl and told the other girl if she didn't straighten out she would start receiving detentions. Apparently there was more going on then what I knew and was happening with several other children. The child lives with her grandma and she had no idea any of this was happening. I have not heard anymore complaints from my daughter about there being any problems. I allowed this to go on thinking it would get better since the beginning of the school year. It only got worse.
GOod luck with your situation, its very hard to see your children being bullied.

Now I have not been through this personally with my child but I was bullied from 6th grade until around eleventh grade when I was strong enough as a person to start standing up to these girls. And it didnt stop with a few girls, they got their cousins and brothers and sisters and their whole families involved in bullying me. (even parents sometimes-they would tell their parents I was doing stuff I wasnt to instigate it) It was a nightmare. They beat me up physically in seventh grade and my parents did NOTHING!!
I promise you this will get worse, especially if you do nothing. Do everything you can to stop this-talk to the parents and I mean in a conference setting with the children there-not over the phone or anything. Talk to the teachers ( I personally would be at that school talking to EVERY teacher to make them aware of the situation and who is doing the bullying), the principle, and maybe even ask if the teacher will take the time one day to address the whole class about bullying. I wish you the best with this it is a very difficult thing to handle and you are a good parent for wanting to do what is best.

Almost all schools in the US now have a no bulling policies. You can report it to the school and ask that your childrens names not be mentioned due to their fears. The school will then report it to the parents aswell as take action at school to help turn this bully around. 80 to 90 percent of parents are un aware of if their child or children are bullies.

Talk to the teacher and the principal

well my 5yr old son has a bullie in his preschool class and he has pushed my son and called him names it got to the point he was faking being sick to come home or not go at all. we finally got him to tell us what was going on and we talked to the teacher and she took care of it. its not always that easy but hopefully u can nip it in the butt before it goes any further.

i feel for u girl and the only thing i can say is go see the princeable and the parents of the these girls or boys or they will grow up and think it is ok to do this and some one could get hurt down the road . bullies need to be stop one way or other now before it get worst . if u can then go to school with ur girls to make sure they are not treated badly after wards . we must protect or children at what ever cost i will pray for u E. d.

Go and talk to the Teacher, Vice Principal or Principal. The State of Kansas is making it a Law that all schools must have bully prevention programs in place, I want to say by this year, not exactly sure. The teacher and administration should be able to handle it in such a way that the child does not realize that someone told. That is probably the best way to approach it now and if need be later you might need to talk to the parents

I completely understand why she doesn't want you to talk to their parents because I am sure that can be embarrasing for a young girl, but I would think that is the only option. Wouldn't you want to know if your daughter was being the bully? I would also talk to the principal or teachers at her school. Good luck.

What has always seem to work well for us is going to the school. Have luch with your child, play with them at recess. I'm not sure how old your child is, but this worked for me. My daughter had a problem when she was 8 with a little girl. I went to the school, had lunch, played with her and the other kids. My daughter pointed the little girl out to me and as I looked over the little girl looked in shock. I did go sit with the girl and ask he nicely how come she seems to be jelous of my child? I told her that bullying is usually out of jelousy of another person. The girl did come clean and tell me that it's because my daughter has a lot of friends and she does not. She doesn't know how to make friends so she figured if she made a fool of my daughter noboby would play with my daughter anymore and would no longer have friends. Sometimes kids just have a hard time with jealousy. I understand that maybe her Mom can't come have lunch with her, but I did know that she could be one of my daughter's friends. Of course that is what happened. The point of this really long boring story, if you go show the girl that the girl she is being mean to has a caring loving mom, she will back off. She only does it because she can. I hope this works for you. It worked recently for my sister who is a store manger and never has time! She found 30 min to show a bully that the kid he was messing with has a mother that cares!

Hi,
Talk with the principal, they want to know if this is happening! I used to work at a school and they are the ones that has to fix this kind of problems, for now, tell your girls to ignore them and go to the teacher if they do something wrong to them.
Good luck,
Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com
www.MaiaCreations.ecrater.com

Perhaps a private talk with the teacher? You didn't say how old your girls are - is it on the high school level?

Hi RS. Does the bullying happen at school or just while the children are playing at home in the neighborhood or both?
If it is at school you must speak to the school administrators. There should be a bullying policy in effect. If there is not one, then be pro-active in seeing that there is one put in place. There should be a NO tolerance for bullying!!!! NONE.
You SHOULD speak to the parents. Bullying is a learned trait. If they should ask what your child did to provoke the behavior, do not even consider that option. They did nothing! Explain that bullying your children will not be tolerated. Not here, Not now, Not ever!!!
These are words that are used in the school in which I work. Bullying is NOT an option.
Be strong, be firm and good luck.
Blessing to you.
R.

I'm not sure how old your girls are, but I think bullies thrive on the fear of others. And as soon as your girls learn not to be affraid, then this bully will continue to "feed" off of them. Teach them someing to say to this bully, practice it at home (if they are little). HAving actually said the words out loud will help them actually remember to. If your girls can say something out loud to this bully, to draw attention, even from an adult as well, it will probably stop because this bully will most likely be humiliated her/himself. The only reason the bully keeps doing it, is because he/she has gotten away with it this far......if it doesn't stop once they stand up for themselves (I'm not talking fighting, just speaking for themselves), then you need to go to the school's authorities and let them handle it. My daughter's school has a no tollerance rule for bullying. Maybe your's does to. Also, pending how old the bully is, the parents might not even know it's going on. I know I would put a stop to it if my daughter were the bully, because the "bullying" that's coming out of the child is replacing some other kind of satisfaction they are not getting elsewhere.

Good Luck!

I would talk to the school (teachers/admin) I'm guessing that is where it is happening. As a teacher I've been asked by parents to keep an eye out for interactions between kids and be discreet about it. They shouldn't have to let the kids know you talked to them. It's worth a try - although kids can be very sneaky and the teachers might not catch them either (they know when to do these things so as not to get caught) I would also encourage your daughters to let someone at school know, because there is a big difference between tattling and keeping yourself safe. Good Luck.

Dear R S, sounds like you're on the right track...just one more suggestion. :-) My oldest son (6 yrs old) started getting teased this year in 1st grade. I was completely unprepared and shocked for my child to come home disheartened and upset at this age. I read a book called 'Easing the Teasing'. I got it at the library. It really helped me feel better prepared as a parent, and as my son's first advocate. And believe it or not, he seemed a bit relieved to know that I was teased as a child too when I shared with him some of my experiences and how I coped. Good luck!

My daughter is 6 years old and she has been bullied by a classmate who just happens to be our neighbor. We tried telling her to ignore him and then it started to get physical. We also have a 9 year old son who is very protective of his little sister, and he even tried talking to the little boy. We then tried talking to his parents, and they acted like they didn't want to try to come up with a solution. Lastly, we went to the teacher and alerted her to the situation of them being our neighbors and what had happened. Just that little step, and she was more aware and watchful at school. Now my daughter's days are mostly bully free. We just tell her to ignore him and if he bothers her to tell her teacher. She hasn't come home in months and told us she was being picked on by the little boy.

Listen you can contact your cyhildren's school & set up a meeting with the counselor & principal. Express your concerns & the FEARS of the children IF you were to contact the parents. You could also lead on that their are several students that are afraid od these students BUT because you are not their parents you wish not to reveal their names. They can pull the bullies aside & let them know that this type of behavior will not be tollerated & without have mentioned your childrens names. At some point your children is going to have to stand up to them & say "NO" I will not be bullied by you again & nor will you continue to take my snacks! Good luck & God Bless!

We taught our son at an early age to stand up to bullies. When he started having trouble with bullies he would tell us what the bully did and said. So we would talk it out and I would give him suggestions on what to say and do. He started using the things we talked about, and the bullies would leave him alone. He became so confident that he now sticks up for himeslef and others. It really bothers him to see someone picked on.

Notify the school. Your girls are right about the parents. If the kids are bullies then the parents are probably of similar material....sometimes not, but it would be better for the principal to handle it than you personally.

Chances are your not the first parent to complain and your kids are not the only ones being affected.

Request a sensitivity awareness talk be given to the kids as a whole. Talking openly about how to handle bullies without openly pointing at them can really deflate the power they have. Once repurcussion are in place and they know they are being watched they back off. Kids need to be empowered themselves to overcome being victimized...it is a good lesson for life.

Ignoring it doesn't make it go away.

if this is a school issue I would make the teacher aware of the issue so she can keep an eye on it.

What I had to teach my daughter that was being called horrid names was that to ingore it, do not sink to their level by reacting. That gives the bully the the power and the control. That is why they are picking on your girls becasue they probably reacting, even in a small way that is showing the bully that their actions bother your girls. Teach then to not react to just ignore it, this bully will eventually get bored of picking on them because the "thrill if the hunt" has been eliminated. I know as parents it's hard we want to react, to talk to the parents but nine times out of ten I am sure that the child is just repeating actions they see at home, whether it's to them or another family member. Also tell your girls that not all kids are raised with parents that teach their kids to respect others..it's just the sad facts now days that very few kids are being taught to respect others let alone theirselves. Have your daughters be out of their way nice to this girl, she could just be crying out for a friend.

"Always forgive your enemies nothing annoys them more."

"Everyone needs to be loved... especially when they do not deserve it."

"Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts." Make sure your girls know that whatever this person is saying to them is not true!