Bullies. - Green Cove Springs,FL

I would most likely ask the other parent if we could all meet, me, my child, them & their child. That way we could hash things out w/everyone there so we could get to the bottom of things.

Some parents are bullies and don't think they are. So, when their child exhibits the same behaviors, they consider it to be normal - or the kid "standing up for himself" or "not letting himself be pushed around" or whatever they use to justify it to themselves.

We've all met adult bullies. How many of them would admit they are?

I, personally, don't think labels of any sort are helpful in most situations. Labeling a kid a "bully" doesn't give him any concrete ways to understand or correct his or her behavior.

Instead of saying "your child is bullying my child" why not just stick with behaviors and patterns? "Johnny is coming home and telling me every day that Billy is pushing him down on the playground when the teachers aren't around. He also says that Billy is calling him names in front of other children. Does this sound like something Billy would do? What do you suggest to help our children get along better?"

It's always a good idea to take control of the situation in a positive, solution-focused way, instead of blaming or labeling or demanding the other parent do something about it.

If this was me on the receiving end, I would be stunned. but then honestly thank the parent for brining it to my attention and let them know I was not aware of this behavior and that I am going to speak to my child about this.
I would also ask the parent, mainly for my conversation with child, not because I don't believe them, for specific instances I can bring up in my conversation with my child.
Additionally, if they were open to it, I would like for at least the four of us - more if husband's or teachers want to be involved - to sit down and discuss the behavior together - Once kids know parents know - it is a good thing.
Of course a child will deny it - they don't want to be in trouble. But it is our job to accept who and what and why our child is choosing to behave this way.
Gosh, so much, but you are right - as parents it is our job to PARENT even when we don't like the choices children make on their own . .

I would ask that parent to tell me exactly what happened. If the parent comes up with only he won't share I would ask why they consider that bullying. If they came up with something concrete I would walk in the school and ask why I was not made aware of the behavior. I would find out all I can before I speak to my child because that is the only way I would be able to fully understand what my child is doing.

I was bullied, no one should have to go through that. Still today everyone thinks any child that makes their child upset is a bully. This is an even bigger problem than your example. If everyone is a bully then what are the real bullies? Ya know?

If that happened to me, I would go to the school. Meet with the principals, teachers, the other parent(s), the other child and my child. Nip it in the bud ASAP. I would not turn a blind eye. If my daughter was a bully - uh-uh. I have ZERO tolerance either way.

If MY child was the target of a bully, I will turn into a mama bear and would be relentless to make sure the behaviour stopped. Not only for my child, but for all the other kids that are too afraid to speak up. My daugther (she's 5) tells me about a school mate that doesn't like her name, doesn't like what she wears, so-and-so says this that and the other. I tell her to ignore him - I love her, her friends love her, and if he doesn't have nice things to say, ignore him. He's not worth being her friend. And this is in Kindergarten. I have great communication with her teacher and would never hesistate to talk to her if I felt that it was getting out of hand.

I asked this question a while ago:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/1125653732437196801

With all of the kids BEING bullied, there have got to be parents that KNOW their kid is a bully, right?

I have always told my son that he doesn't have to like everyone in his school, but he does need to respect them and their right to be there. All kids have an equal right to attend school, learn, play and be there. Not just the "cool" kids.

Now if someone told me my son was bullying someone, I would be surprised, as he is the kind of kid that defends bullied kids, plays with the kids that no O. else does, etc. But I am not obtuse enough to know it could *never* happen.
If someone told me he was bullying another kid, we would be having a GIANT talk about respect that day/night.

First I would say, wow, I am so sorry this is happening, I had no idea, I will speak to my child right away.
Then I WOULD speak to my child right away.
If my child admitted to being mean, I would work with him/her on changing the behavior, talking about what is appropriate, being a good friend, etc.
If my child denied it, or said it's the other kid starting it, I would speak to the teacher. The teachers and classroom aides take turns supervising lunch and recess and would have a clearer picture about what's really going on. And if they are NOT aware of a problem it always helps to bring it to their attention so the children in question can be observed more closely.
Either way, the teacher needs to made aware anytime a child is accusing another child of bullying.

i used to work as a therapist in a residential setting for kids with behavior isssues. Without fail in every assessment the parents would say "they just got in with a bad crowd" in five years i never met the parent that said... my kid IS the bad crowd
No one wants to admitt their kid is the one causing the issues... but i would be willing to bet each and every one of our kids at some point has been mean, has pushed, had called names. Do they all go to the extreme of becoming the "bully"... no. But on flip side not every episode of pushing or name calling is bulling. that is just kids, who do not have the verbal or conflict resolution skills to handle things... doing what they know how to do to let somone know they are upset. True bullying is a pattern, it escalates and "the bully" does not easily respond to intervention from a teacher or parent. Where as most kids if they were caught being mean and given a consequence by a teacher would feel guilty. I still have nightmares about having to apoligize to my 5th grade class after calling a kid a "jerk" (shudders)
Also as parents we need to model good conflict resolution. While I know we all have the instict to go "mama bear nuclear" if our babies are hurt... I personally would hope i could approach the situation above in a less confrontational manner... for example
Hi... my name is A.. are you so and so's mom? My son is so and so. He tells me he and you child are having some problems. My son tells me you son has done this. Can you talk to you child and get back to me. I was thinking maybe we can all meet with the teacher to see what is going on. I do think it important we handle this quickly, my son has been very upset and I appreciate you help in addressing the matter.. thanks

I would talk to the teacher and see if they have seen anything going on. My kids have been on both sides of bullying. I would not be happy if another parent came up to me and said that I would expect them to go to the school first and not come directly to me. That is totally asking for trouble on their part in my opinion. I let my kids know I don't talorate bulling at all I don't put up when someone does it to them and I will not when they do it to someone else!

Good luck and God Bless

I am the mom of a once bully child. It doesn't take a bully mom to have a bully kid.

I would want to know so I could work to help the situation.
I would talk to my child
Talk to the teacher
COntact the BD/ED teacher
My child would never be unsupervised with other children, he was also violent
We had an IEP for ADHD/ODD/CD
We had a psychologist and psychiatrist
I had an aide on the playground with him at all times.
When he injured another child he made a sorry card and once brought flowers
He was on and off meds

As his mom I needed to know when he was getting out of hand and with whom. I did believe others when they said he did this or that. I never rested unless he were asleep.

I am not a bully, I am more the doormat when it comes to people, adults. Although, with my children I am authoritarian and can say no.

Oh, sometimes the bully's parents are not only the biggest bullies of all, they refuse to see their kid as a bully even though it's as clear as a zit on a teen's face!

It's hard getting blindsided by a parent like this. But what needs to be said is that there are two sides to a story and you will talk to your own child. THEN, go talk to the school. Prepare to hear what you don't like, but it could be that the kid is lying to his mom.

I had that happen to me when my older son was in middle school. He had called his dad crying that afternoon because a kid had stepped on his back while he was getting in his locker (his was on the bottom row), and he threw the kid off of his back. The kid landed on the other side of the wall into those lockers. There were witnesses. My husband was so upset that he left the school a message for the MS principal to call us. The next morning before school, he called and my husband talked about it to him. Thank goodness for that!

What happened next is that this kid went home and told his mom that my son had thrown him up against the lockers. He didn't tell her the reason was because he stepped on his back! He could have broken my son's back over that. Meanwhile, she was telling people about her son's version of the incident. Other people knew what a trouble maker her kid was and came to me to talk about it. I went to the principal and asked him to PLEASE call the mom and tell her the rest of it. And the kid got in trouble not only for doing this to my child, but by essentially lying about it to his mom.

Anyway, the point is, there are at least two sides to a story. I mostly let the school handle these kinds of things because I didn't want to talk to parents about their kids. I wanted the school to do it for me.

I appreciate that you are worried about your child instigating stuff - that says you are a decent parent. Start investigating and try to get to the truth. That will help protect your kid, and if he's the problem, it will also help stop it before something bad happens.

Good luck,
Dawn

This is a very hard subject for me right now. I have decided THIS year to keep my 2 youngest kids home and do virtual school because of the constant bullying that was going on with my son. He was the target. HE has some special needs, and no way to "fight back" quite yet, so for him it was torture. I honestly believe that every child that bullys another, is doing so because of their own feelings of inadequecy, or lack of self confidence. They feel they need to tear someone else down to build themself up. If I were told that my child was bullying another, my first instinct would be to figure out what my child may be feeling insecure or less "competent" about in school. Was he/ she feeling like they were not as good at certain things than this child? Or any child for that matter? Were they having problems making friends recently, and now seems to have some new ones? Bullys can make friends by bringing fear on to others. (if I am friends with you, you won't pick on me)
I wish that my child had more confidence, but at this point in his life he does not. Unfortunatly, anything a bully says tohim, he BELIEVES> That is where the real payoff is for them. It hurts. If the "victim" doesn't believe it, and can let it kind of roll off of their shoulders, well, it will stop because there is no reaction or "fun" in picking on that person. My son just happens to be the perfect target right now. Hopefully with some maturity, some time learning at home and building his confidence academically, and some time in activities like tae kwon do, he will be able to deal with people like this better. God knows that it isn't just in school that bullys exist, they are everywhere in lfe. Good luck with your child. You know your child best. I would make sure that there isn't something going on deeper first, and also make sure that nobody is bullying him too. Then, make sure that the correct child is being blamed. He may just be getting targeted as the bully because he was around, and not the one actually doing the real work of the bully. Good luck! It's a hard situation! :)

I was the bullied child at school. And yes, I want to whole heartedly agree with you. In my daycare, I have ABSOLUTE control over what I allow here. I've kept children from being bullied. I've stopped racist remarks when I hear them. MOST of the time I am on top of EVERYTHING. But, I'm not God. I am not Omnipresent. Stuff gets by me. What is a parent to do for me when they are at work?

My kid and I have been going rounds over the way she keeps her room since the day she was old enough to clean it herself. My mother and my husband are both hopeless slobs. These are hard, cold, realities. It's the reality I live with everyday. No amount of chore charts, pleading, deals, bribing, allowances, arguments, nice mom helping, or hiring people to clean up the basement or my husbands area... NOTHING changes the slobs I'm with. So how is bullying any different?

Okay, if you read my post this weekend, I've had my own family drama. It just reminds me that people are people and we can't really control each other. Nothing is ever simple.

In an ideal world, I believe I would investigate and I would punish my child, even pull them out of school if I really thought they were bullying people. But in the real world we live in, I don't want to believe my kids could or would do that.

Even when I catch my daughter dead to rights, saying something miserable to someone, all I can do is explain why, punish, and a few months later she'll say something she shouldn't again. Thankfully, she's not a bully. But if she was...how much control does anyone have over anyone?

Honestly when I see a child bully there are two causes. The parents or pressure from an even bigger bully. 1. I once watched a girl start pushing my daugher around and said to the parent sitting next to me please keep your kids hands off my kids. Well she jumped all down my throat etc I see where that kid got her attitude from. 2. I once saw a bully get all her croanies together to bully anohter kid (thankfully not mine this time) becaue the other kid got the popsicle she liked. So the main bully I bet you just need to look a the parents but the followers were probaby just happy to be in a group that they went along with it. Then again thats parenting to because the kids should have been taught not to do that and not follow the mean leader. 3. LOL like a supernanny episode the third style is the who has no controll over her kids and lets them hit her and no punishment. Well the kid can do whatever he likes right so it wont matter how he behaves in school