Brothers

This may not be specific to helping your son but I have 4 kids and they can feel lost in the mix and not "special" at times. Every week one of us gets to be "family member of the week". That week the special person gets to decide one of the dinners we have that week plus a special dessert, they pick the movie for family movie night, or if there is a time that week when we need to make a family decision we let that person have the final vote. It really doesn't take any extra time but for a whole week one of our family members gets to feel like they are the center of attention. My husband and I get our own week too cause we all know us parents need some extra love sometime too right? A few of my friends have started doing it too and they all seem to enjoy it.
As for your boys getting along, try finding activities that they both like. Maybe have the older boy teach the little brother how to do something. I hope it all works out for you!

What a wonderful mama! I loved reading your post because it demonstrated you are attuned to your kids and care deeply about healthy attachments:) This tells me you will figure it out soon in your own beautiful way!

But you asked for specifics, so I'll throw out some ideas to think about alojng with other posts. Maybe you can find 15-20 minutes a day to spend alone with your oldest and talk about all of the wonderful traits about him you would like his help with teaching his younger siblings? You could do this by talking with him about his daily experiences and/or doing some sort of activity he likes to do and let him know the ways in which you see and hear him. Not necessarily overly praising him (want him to experience the genuine nature of legitimacy of things you say you appreciate and why), but said with smiles and appreciation for his specific contributions to the family and you as his mama.

Maybe you can find a way to have both of your boys experience specific roles they can both feel pride in with their new sibling. It will be an adjustment for both.

One thing I guess I'm curious about is why the sudden shift in self confidence of your oldest? You are probably right in what you think is going on but are there any other possible experiences that could have influenced this? Maybe look into the bigger picture stuff too...school, friends, acts same around different people or vice versa. Just to make sure nothing else outside of your immediate family is negatively impacting him.

The tendency with really really good people like yourself is to view yourself as the possible cause of our children's struggles. While this is so important, to be self aware, be careful not to overly self assign blame. Your gift is you have awareness so will never have to worry about being ready and able to meet your children's changing needs. But the focus, if on you too much might be a distraction to things unrelated to you that you can help your children rebound from (peer relationships, school, etc.).

If I would've had a mother like you sound to be...I would have been very lucky indeed:) Congratulation on your children and gosh, hang in there you are almost there!!!

PS
Have you discussed this with your partner and close family to see if they can also take time out for each of your sons? Sometimes you can only do so much, especially adding a newborn to the mix...this might also ease your worries about your own limitations so you can find your own balance. Though you sound like a super mama, you are human:)

I have three and 8.5 months pregnant with #4. I have struggled with making them all feel special, not fight, get equal attention, keep up the house, pay attention to my husband, etc. I do not have any easy answers but here are some of the things that I do.

- My husband and I take one full day per month to spend with each of the kids alone. They get to pick what they want to do within financial reason and It works out to 3 days per month for each of us. Sometimes I take one, he takes one and we leave one with grandma. Our kids just LOVE it and it seems to keep every one in check and feeling special.

- I also try each day to take time to address what they like to do, my oldest likes to build things, my middle boy loves to play online and show off what he does and my youngest just takes the show and will do anything. The key is to take even as little as 15 minutes per day with them to adore what they adore with them.

- Last, I make sure I give each one of them things to do that make them feel like they are a needed and an important part of the family. My oldest can help me manage the younger ones (within reason, I don't want him to feel like a babysitter), my middle boy helps me entertain the little one when the big one is at school, etc. and they ALL have chores and chore charts with allowance at the end of the week.

I must say it is hard to manage, and things do not go well all the time. My two boys tend to go through the down and depressed stages like your son is experiencing. It is natural for them to want more from you, all you need to do is figure out how to make him a part of your day and a meaningful part of the family.

Good luck to you and congrats on #3!

Yes, it is difficult to balance everything but it is doable. You need to make time with your oldest child( and younger boy as well). ESPECIALLY before the new baby arrives. How do you do it??? Well take one child on errands with you, go to the movies, go get some food or even just get some games and have a game night with your oldest while daddy entertains the younger one.
Plus, Daddy needs to step in and help with household chores and errands so you can have some extra time with son#1.

GL!

p.s. And stop dressing the boys alike...they are individuals and need their own space to grow.

Is there any way he can have his own room? What if you had a chore chart and the "payment" was 30min of an activity THEY pick or something along those lines. Not really sure other than a guarantee of quality time.

Bless your heart. It's hard. I have two boys ages 6 and 4. They are the best of friends. I really suggest you trying to make some time for him and you alone.
I don't think you even need to go and do something, just spend time talking for having some quiet time together. Maybe dad can take the little one somewhere while you guys hang out. Tell him how you feel about him. Ask him if there is anything you can do for him? You know let him know that you are there if he needs you but not try and fix everything. Sometimes some validation is all that is needed. Maybe tell him stories about when he was little.
Funny your sons sound alot like mine. My oldest is a thinker and is very sensitive and my youngest is a doer and can be head strong.
Both have great qualities and weaknesses. My oldest is kind thoughtful and very is very wise but gets hurt and quits too easy. My youngest is a "go getter and never gives up and is a great self starter but is hard headed and has trouble with self control. I suppose we encourage their strengths and strengthen their weaknesses. lol
I think that seeing this post on here is proof enough that you are an awesome mom that cares about all your children.
Hope and pray for the best and congrats on the upcoming addition to the family.
C.

Hello, I have four (now grown) kids. When they were young, my husband and I would try to take each one out for dinner alone once a month. They got to choose the restaurant and they loved it. I also tried to take each one for a small walk every afternoon. Since your son likes to do indoor things, you could take him on a walk looking for things he could use to make pictures or other crafts. Then you could do the arts and crafts with him.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Try to spend 1/2 hour a day of uninterrupted time with him. One half hour is not that much, but it will make a big difference. Let go of a household chore if you have to. Time with your son is more important.

you said it there, you need to take him out on a special mom and son date!!

just make time, i tell my mother the same thing, you have time, you just have to set it aside to use with your son!

take your next day off work get a sitter or get dad to watch the 4yr old and take your boy to the movies and dinner or the library or wherever he likes to go the most! Share some time and feelings with him.

you can even make the four year old go to bed half an hour earlier than your 7 yr old so you can spend 30 minutes each night to play a board game or read or have a talk with him!

you CAN make time for your little boy because this is part of good parenting!
I know you can do it since it is really important to you.

seriously, Take out your calender RIGHT NOW and pencil him in there!

Each one of your children needs your attention. Just attention that is meant for just them. To do something with them that they like to do. Cleaning the house, running errands, etc. Those things can just wait. The time is now to stop worrying about the other stuff in our lives and take care of our children and their needs. Just say no to other things and be the mom you want to be.

Well, you KNOW what to do, because you have already said that you are not doing it in your post... That being said, I am wondering if your boy has interest in having activities with other kids his age? If he is not into sports, maybe boy scouts is more up his alley. His self esteem will grow if he is involved in things that he can be proud of doing, so try to find activities that he can be involved in that will let him shine. I'm sure there are about a million activities in so.cal. that he can try.

I know you said that you do family things together when your husband is off, but how about changing that up a little bit? The new baby coming will actually give all of you a chance to make some changes. good luck with your new baby and your big brothers!