My brother moved about 5 years ago to another state. He and his family don't return phone calls, emails and don't respond to pictures sent. The only time they acknowledge us and the other families living here is when they (my brother and his family) need something. They are always forgetting my kids birthdays, and all of the extended families birthday. They don't even call or send anything for new babies being born. They are Christians who volunteer all the time for their church. When we have anything going on in the family then they don't even bother to return calls. I have left them a message about it and never got a call. Need advice.
Thank you everyone that responded. You all have had such great advice and warm wishes. I am touched. Since I wrote this and had left my brother a message he sent me a letter of apology thanking him for the wake up call. He said there is no excuse for not keeping in touch and that he thinks of all of us often. I accepted his apology with open arms. I don't expect him to change but I realize how much family does mean to him. You are a great group of ladies!! It meant the world to me that you responded.
That's a hard one. I have family who are the same way. I would continue to try and reach out because family is important, but continue to remind myself that they are probably really busy. Or the next time you can get one of them on the phone ask them what's up. Good luck!
hi, are you really in clarkdale? cool, i totally understand!! i moved 2 hours away from my family 6 years ago, gave birth to my 1st son 19mos ago and my family still hasnt come visit, i had a meltdown w my brother sadly he chose his wifes side in an arguement and started losing touch, my whole family is back east and the only time i hear from them is me going back or calling, my mom is in florida, so i do my best to send photos and cards, as its sounds like you have done the same to keep in touch and now i believe your family is what you make it, i have good girlfriends their children have become like family, i know it doesnt replace a brotherly love, i agree w the person that wrote you cant change someone i feel for you--i know its frustrating, keep doing what your doing!
L., i feel for you. I'm sure you feel a loss of a relationship with your brother. Maybe they moved in order to have a little space to have a bigger life and make a big difference in the lives of people. Sometimes people think that their families hold them back from that. They are missing out you so much of their extended family. So you can be ok with it, be sure that you continue to send them emails, pictures and the like. Keep them informed about your life with out expectations. They will miss that bond and reconnect, it may take awhile. Allow them to make a difference for others and be grateful for the times that you've had with them.
Hello L..
As much as this situation with your brother, the uncle of your children, clearly upsets you, you cannot make someone change their behavior. What he is doing to you and your family is disresectful, hurtful, and unkind. It's okay to say that. But you cannot make him change. You can't chase him out of it, you can't love him out of it, you can't force him out of it. He controls his choice, and his behavior. So do You. You have done everything reasonable to reach out to him. Respect your boundaries. Stop pursuing. You know he will be back, he always comes back when he wants something. Have patience, wait for that moment, because you know it will happen. When it does, be kind and listen, but when he asks you for whatever it is he wants, tell him no. You aren't his back-up for when he can't do the job himself. Tell him the truth as you feel it: you don't think you can meet his needs because it makes you feel used that he only calls when he wants something. Stand your ground. He's had plenty of chances. He'll decide what he's going to do with your "no". If that's continue his current path, then it's sad, but it's his choice. I suspect he'll either resort to some coercive behavior to try to get what he wants (applying anger or guilt or threats) and disappear (trust that he Will be back), or he'll put some thought into it and decide to change. Either way, you have done right by you, and you and your family are free of the burden of your brother's irresponsibility.
Hi L.,
It's hard to be a Giver and a family member being a Taker. As hard as it sounds there is nothing you can do about them forgeting your childrens birthdays or your special events. It sounds like they are what I call Me, Me, Me'ers. If they are getting something from you you'll hear from them. Otherwise, you hear from them at thier leisure. You can try and be blunt with your brother and just tell him how you feel about how he treats you and your family and see if the Christian in him will see the big picture. Whats the worst that might happen, him not calling or returning your calls. Forgetting your birthdays. I know you have a pit of buterflys in your tummy for trying to do this. But, you'll feel better in the long run just knowing how he reacts to your Bluntness. Good Luck:)
Hi,
It sounds like you want more of a relationship then he desires. Maybe you should refrain from calling and wait to see what happens. Is there some sort of resentment on his end that would explain his actions? I know it is probably hard for you but maybe he is more concerned with "his" family and wants to minimize the amount of contact he has outside of that circle. Keep in mind if you are expecting him to start calling or remembering b-days you may continue to be let down and if you lower those expectations to talking to him maybe every six months or something like that, you may get a better response. Of course, speaking of families we are all dysfunctional in some way and sometimes keeping in touch with family memebers just makes old feelings resurface. I have done the same as your brother with my family and eventhough I love them VERY MUCH, the least amount of contact I have with them the better. Maybe you can tell him the next time he calls that you have noticed that the only time he calls is when he needs something and how hurt you are by this. Hopefully, things go good for you!!! Good Luck, L.!!
A.
Unfortunately, my father in law is the same way. He has never even met his grandson named after him. He used to live within one mile of us, but then he moved to virginia. He only sends a card once a year. He is very very involved in the church, that is his number one priority. To him, family is nothing. It hurts, but what can we do?
Sounds like they have gotten themselves involved with a works oriented group and they may be a bit overwhelmed with their lives, but doesn't sound very encouraging for them. Have you talked with them about their priorities when you are around them? If so it might be a good time to back off and be missed for a while. My sister has always been that way. (for other reasons) My brother and I are the Christians and have bent over backwards to include recognize etc. It was when I let go a bit and then only called on her Birthday that she started to miss me. Now we consciously do not send birthday gifts to nieces and nephews accept at land mark birthdays so that is less of an issue. That was something that we sat down and talked through only because it was just getting so expensive. (She has four children, I have two and my brother has three) Guess who was the person who got to go broke trying to keep up. Sometimes people just can't get out of their own way when it comes to family, and we have to be grateful for those family members that we do connect well with.
Some people have trouble staying involved in anything other than what is right in front of them. I know the rejection stings but I doubt they are purposely trying to weed you out of their lives because they are so far away; unless, there is some other issue you haven't mentioned. You leaving them a message about it might be interpreted as a solicitation for gifts rather than a heads up that you miss them and want to know how they are doing. I would let them guide how often you contact them. Let them know about the important stuff occasionally and just accept the relationship on their terms. It stinks but will save you the stress and aggravation. Trying to force them to comply may push them farther away and cause a rift that may not mend anytime soon. Sorry you are hurting.
p.s. I also wouldn't be giving them anything they wanted when they called in hopes that it would make them want to call more. If it's an emergency I wouldn't hesitate but you're a better judge of that than an outsider.
This sounds like he either dealing with a problem or ignoring it. (probably the latter) In any event, you might try the direct approach. Ask him point blank, is there a problem I can help with? If he doesn't respond or says he has no problem, you might have to give him his space and pray that time will change things. Why did he move? He may have been trying to get away from something. Good luck!
