Hi everyone, I'm submitting this question to all moms who have needy babies and having a hard time weaning. I have a daughter who is 17.5 months old, is a little over 16 lbs now (she's just so tiny!) and since birth has been very clingy, very dependent on me, even now at almost 18 months. I have tried at various times to quit breastfeeding, and was doing well with it until December when over the course of 8 weeks she had 5 consecutive colds with a bit of the flu thrown in just for fun. During that time she wasn't eating much so I b-fed her more (and very much more when she got the flu for 10 days). Since the end of February she has been turning to the breast for everything, but mostly just for comfort. I have, since that time, put her off half the time and let her go the other half; tried cold turkey (impossible to do, she is persistent, cried and hung on to my legs for an hour and 45 mins one day). Decided then that cold turkey is not the way to go w/ her so we are back to slowly weaning, am hoping that w/ the warmer weather and her love for the outdoors, that her playing outside will help in weaning. My question is, with her temperament, she is quite persistent, will cry for hours in her crib and not nap (i have been bfeeding her to nap, another problem I need to put an end to). I've tried the supernanny method, ferber (not for night time, she goes right into her crib at night, it's just naptime we have this problem), cold turkey, slow wean, giving her a "lovee" (something in place of the boob), even tried to get her back on the pacifier (she gave that up at 4 mos). I've been consistent, inconsistent, diversion, putting a drink next to the boob to try to fool her, tried getting her to drink from a bottle... nothing has worked. Does anyone out there have or had ths problem and what did you do, or are there any suggestions? I am really quite tired of being in this situation, and tired of the judgmental looks i will get from other moms and people when we are out and she starts grabbing my shirt and crying "mamamamamaaaa". At this point i think she'll be in kindergarten doing this! A little more about her: she is so much more fearful of other people, of heights (she was pushed down the stairs by one of my daycare kids last december when we were practicing going downstairs, and since then she will not go near the top of the stairs), she has quite a long memory for things that have frightened her for someone her age. I think this fear is also why she won't let go of the breast... Any ideas or suggestions will be welcome.
Just a few more bits -- this morning since waking at 6 am she has come to me no less than 10 times to nurse, just for a few minutes. I've only successfully distracted her once w/ her sippee drink, but that only lasted a few minutes before she was back again. She's got the brain of an elephant! I do so appreciate all of the supportive personal emails and the responses on this site. As for the outside pressure, I even have my mother who is a nurse "joking" that my daughter is going to go to college w/ my boob. The reason I am asking this is more because it's a huge distraction from my little daycare here, when I must stop w/ our learning and playing so she can nurse. It's not a big burden on me, and mostly I do not mind, but when it gets to days like today where she is back for more every 15 minutes, I wonder what is going on with her development -- is it separation anxiety? is it OCD? (half kidding on that one). She is very sensitive and I am having trouble w/ my own need to get things done. We just got through another 30 second nursing and i flipped on the TV (Wonder Pets) so I can at least have some time to get dishes started and give my son some much needed one on one time. Anyway, I do thank you all, and believe that she will eventually get past this stage (she is almost 18 months, isn't that a separation anxiety stage, so i read...), and will use the upcoming warmer weather as distraction, but will continue as we've been. I do agree that parents in our country are put upon w/ the pressure to make our chldren independent very soon so we can get back to our lives and our personal interests. Am feeling a bit of that pressure from a few friends and my mother and even my husband's mother who breastfed her 7 kids until they were over a year is asking when I'm going to quit... I just don't get why the older generation thinks that it's so bad... Mother in law coming to stay for weekend and am sure will get an earful from her, but it won't make me stop w/ it. THANKS TO YOU ALL, I really do appreciate your taking your time to answer. :)
I totally feel for you! I was fortunate to have a son who started biting at 7 mos which I took as his sign as being ready to be done, but I was ready to be done. It is a very selfless thing and involves a lot of sacrificing so kudos for doing it so long!
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but it is quite normal for children to breastfeed until they are older...it is quite normal for most children in other countries to nurse into preschool years. I nursed my son until he was ready to give it up at 29 months, and he gradually needed it less and less which made the weaning process quite smooth and effort less. It sounds like your daughter is fairly high needs and she would benefit from a similar approach. Attempts to wean, esp the cold turkey approach may have just made her more attached ....she feels she deperately needs to maintain this since she feels it has been taken away.
If you want to move more towards weaning, the best approach really is don't offer, don't refuse. If you really don't want to nurse at the moment she wants to, try to distract her with something else she really enjoys. Often kids will forget then that they wanted to nurse. Or, if she is old enough to understand, tell her not right now, or can you wait a minute and put her off as long as you can...this will increase the time between feedings and generally cut down on them.
Nursing before naps is not a bad thing. I would see if she might possibly be willing to nurse only before sleeping. That way she still has that source of comfort when she needs it most to relax etc. She will grow out of it on her own, and there is nothing harmful to her nursing till she is a little older. If anything, it is beneficial in that all that wonderful nutrition and antibodies that she got when she was a tiny baby, she is still getting and she is learning to be confident and more self sufficient when she knows she can rely on you when she needs you. The more she gets the message from you that you will be there when she needs you, the more confident and independent she will grow to be. I know nursing can be extremely draining on you...and it is hard to juggle your needs vs. her needs, but from what you say it really sounds to me at least, like she needs a little bit more. I am sorry, it does sound like a tough situation....unfortunately some people are blessed with more needy babies than others.
Who cares about judgemental stares? I know it always effects you at some level, but they cannot really judge. They do now know your daughter, they do not know your situation....they cannot judge because they are not a part of your relationship with your daughter. I totally understand as I got alot of this as well, but I just kept telling myself that I was doing what was best for my son. There is no reason that 12 months is some "magic age" and that suddenly the day they turn a year they don't need breastmilk anymore and the day before when they were 11 months they did. It is just a superficial limitation to childhood that western culture has decided. They grow up fast enough anyway...why push them?
I hope you don't take offense to this or disregard thinking I am a "breastfeeding wacko" or something. But there really is nothing wrong with it. And if you are able to come to terms with it and accept it I think that your family as a whole will probably be a lot less stressed and tense about it.
http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/velcrochild.html
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/toddlernursing.html
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
Nursing does not only fill a nutritional need, but also an emotional need. It seems like your daughter still has that need, so trying to take her main source of comfort away at this point *I* think would be counterproductive. But you obviously have to do what is right for you and your family. Good luck with your decision. Weaning is a difficult thing no matter when you do it.
Nancy:
It might help to meet with a lactation consultant to help look at the whole picture and come up with a plan.
Weaning IS a part of breastfeeding/ I see moms for weaning questions and concerns as I also also see moms with bottle feeding concerns.
P., RLC, IBCLC
Pres. Lactation Support Group, Inc
www.lactationsupportgroup.com
Your description sounds so similar to my experience nursing with my first son. I had started decreasing the frequency of nursing and it was going really well until he got a really bad cold, and then the stomach flu and it set everything back. He had also come to know that nursing was a part of our relationship, which I also loved and respected. Two things that I did with him stick out in my mind that really seemed to help create a transition for him. I made a conscious decision to always have a sipply cup out or to offer him from what I was drinking and I always had a snack or cut up fruit and veggies out for him to graze on. I think that helped him self-direct his own hunger and thirst cues.
The thing that I think helped the most is that I introduced reading stories to him. We would do this before, but I tried to make a big deal about it. I would announce it was story time and it was usually at the same time in the morning or evening, and he would sit on my lap or lie down next to me and we would read a couple of stories. I think it helped change our relationship, but in a way that was still nurturing to him. I felt strongly that he was so into nursing because of our closeness and how he beneifitted from it in that way, and that it was important to give him another special way to feel close to me. Yes, offering a substitute of food or drink can be helpful and is a nice idea, but a sippy cup doesn't have arms that cuddle and soft skin and eyes to look into.
I saw just keep doing what you are doing and try the story book idea. You can also talk to her about the idea because even at this young age she can understand and it will help her to have a "script". If she knows that "mommy loves to hold you and cuddle with you when we read a story" she will learn to look forward to that and intiate reading a story rather than frequent nursings.
Just a few thoughts...
WHO (World Health Organization) recommends breastfeeding for the first 2 years of life - so you're not crazy or weird to be breastfeeding your 18 month old. It's completely normal.
She WILL wean herself, believe it or not. From what I've read, almost no kids will self-wean before age 18 months, but you don't see elementary school kids breastfeeding, so obviously it happens by itself at some point. As she gets busier, things will be more interesting than nursing. Also, weaning doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. If you are down to feeding her a couple of snacks before bed, naps, or upon waking in the morning, that's really fine as long as it doesn't bother you. If it does bother you (it sounds like it might) then try distraction, substitution (if she's actually hungry give her some food or drink instead), or if you're in public and you'd rather wait until you're at home, tell her that.
Maybe a consult from La Leche League would help you and kellymom.com might have some ideas. Good luck!
I know the breastfeeding may seem to get in the way with the day to day events and daycare- but the other children will see her as unhappy and you cuddling her and comforting her- not breast in mouth! I think with her size and needs you NEED to feed her as long as she needs it. My daughter was over 2. I thought it was going to be impossible to quitand bc she was an on demand baby. She did it wehn she was ready and is as you know very independent, sweet and caring.... just like your daughter will be.
Those peopel giving you the "looks" - give them right back to them for "judging you". Esp. mother in laws. i fought with mine openly and told her that my docotr who has years of medical and health training said to keep doing it. She who is a piano teacher and NEVER breastfed- what does she know. Really now.
GRIN
Exactly the same way it was for my daughter. I breastfed on demand until she weened herself at 26 months. Granted, after the first year, she only breastfed at night or when she needed comfort, but she was a needy child and she needed it. Now, she is almost four and she is still needy at times. On rare occasions, she will even give my breast a squeeze to say "Hello", but no desire. She just weened herself. Good Luck with how you handle it.
Kathleen Huggins has a great book, the Nursing Moms Companion and another one that is specifically about weaning (I can't remember the exact title). I found her book very helpful with all my nursing issues.
