Boundary Help with Relatives

The problem is you don't use your backbone and say no.

People will walk all over you as long as you allow it.

You don't "owe" anybody anything. I see where SIL is making you feel like you owe her.

Maybe find another sitter so your SIL won't have something to hold over your head.

Put your foot down. These things are the way you bring in income so treat family like you'd treat a customer. Charge for the haircuts, mending? Etc. You don't have to charge the going rate but at least do something.

Practice saying no and don't feel guilty about that. Your family is your priority!

Best wishes!

Answered before I saw your SWH. I think you are on the right track - you can say no, but then also be prepared to find and pay a babysitter.

I guess I feel a little differently than some other people who've replied.

If your SIL babysits your boys a couple of times a month (I'm assuming for free) then it seems like hemming a pair of pants is a pretty fair trade. After all, you said this is the third pair this year, which means that's one hemming job every three months or so. You might slip in a little subtle hint, like "it's so nice that you watch the boys when we go to our church group, so I'm happy to hem pants for you on occasion. I'm glad we can help each other out". That might help remind her that you're not her private tailor.

6 haircuts a year also doesn't seem excessive, unless your FIL is obsessive, demanding, requiring you to purchase special scissors and shampoos and expects you to launder his shirts afterwards. A simple trim, if that's what it is, seems reasonable.

However, I'd draw the line at plumbing repairs and home repairs and remodeling. That's just excessive. Remodeling a kitchen might require permits or electrical work and unless you just re-arranged a couple of drawers for a disorganized person, or helped her pick out some new paint colors, that's just not your place.

I'd continue to do reasonable sewing jobs for your SIL in return for babysitting, and the occasional hair cut, but I'd tell them that you no longer will be doing home repairs. Provide them with a number of a reliable plumber and home contractor and hold your ground.

A.,

Your sister in law takes care of your boys 6 hours a month. I think you can hem a few pairs of pants for her. Unless you are paying her for her services.

As to cutting hair? A FIRM no. I'm sorry I can't right now should suffice.

The remodeling and fixing of toilets is a tad overboard. Do they try and "make" you feel guilty for not helping or what? I guess on those, I would need more information.

Where is your husband in all of this? What are his thoughts?

Time is the only thing we can't get back. Time is valuable and precious once it's gone you can't get it back. You are feeling pulled by doing things you no longer want to do.

You are the only one who can and should manage your time. No is just as good as a yes. You need to better gauge how a no will help improve your life. You already know how saying yes when you should be saying no feels. Don't overextend yourself.

This doesn't have to be a problem if you don't want it to be. Even if they get mad with you, that's their problem. Absolutely find another source for childcare. As for home repairs of others homes, leave that up to the grown people who own their home. The only home repairs I would do would be for Mother or Father on either side. and only if the expense wouldn't be a drain on the money in my own home.

Lastly instead of being so quick to say yes. Try instead saying let me think about it or let me check my calendar. This will give you time to consider the request without the pressure of having an affirmative answer before you have considered all of the parameters involved in your decision making process. I hope this helps. Also wanted to say I admire how you care for your family but you need to care for yourself more and no is really just as good as a yes.

Wow, you sound very talented...I might be tempted to have you hem, fix and style me too!
Seriously, it sounds like you did the right thing by telling them to go where the pricing is good. Hemming pants isn't rocket science, I do it by hand and I'm no seamstress! Cutting hair is pretty inexpensive too at the chain places. Remodeling the kitchen? Now that's over the top.
Draw the line now...if need be offer to pay for your babysitting.

I think you have to start saying no. Since it's your husband's family...he needs to tell them it's no.

ETA after your SWH:
Absolutely, if you hate cutting hair and have difficulty with your FIL, don't continue. It sounds like you've handled it pretty well so far. If your SIL balks at babysitting, I hope you'll have the courage to bring up the kitchen project.

Original:
You actually remodeled your SIL's kitchen without getting paid? Is she the same one who babysits for you? Am I correct in thinking that you don't pay her to babysit?

It seems to me that she owes you free babysitting after all that work you did in her kitchen. Honestly, you need to tell her that you have come to feel that the family depends on you too much, and that you need to scale back on that. Tell her that the kitchen project was a large one and that you are sure that she would agree that the babysitting is can go towards thanking you for that large project. Hand her back her HEMMED pants and tell her that you are sure that she can find someone else to do her mending. Tell her that you don't have enough time to rest, so you aren't taking on non-paid projects.

As far as your FIL is concerned, if he is a nice man and acts like he loves you, once every other month haircuts are a way for you to connect emotionally with him. Please consider continuing to do that.

Don't do anymore "jobs" for the family. When they call and ask, just tell them that you are too busy and too tired to do free jobs anymore. Say sorry and smile, but keep your resolve. They actually do know better, but they need to be shown. The babysitting issue will be your hardest. But if you say it to your SIL the way I've detailed above, you will have made your point clear and then you will see the MEASURE of your SIL. If she refuses to babysit for you anymore because you don't take on her jobs, then you will know that she is just a user, pure and simple. Maybe it's time for you to know if your family members love your for YOU, or for your free work...

Sounds to me like you don't know how to be true to yourself - if you don't want to do it, don't.

This is your issue, so don't make it about your in-laws.

If you want to help them out - then you do. Otherwise, say you're unable to. Simple.

I think trading hemming for free babysitting is fine.

Remodeling, painting, plumbing repairs? That's over the line. They think because you "work from home" that you are sitting around looking for something to do.

I'm really concerned that your husband is only "offering to talk to them if necessary." He sees an exhausted wife, and he's not stepping up to deal with his own family? That, and your lack of a backbone, is your problem.

If you can, hire a babysitter for those few hours a month, and let your SIL know you don't need her. Tell her you just don't have time for hemming anymore, because all your hours are going into your business and kids. If your husband wants to mow her lawn, that's on him, but only when the kids are taken care of and you have had a day off on a weekend with no children or house responsibilities. HE needs to be the main point of contact with them.

You need to look around the house for your backbone and a dictionary with the word "no" in it. Try to figure out why you say "yes" all the time - are you worried they will reject you? Do you feel you owe them for some reason? No one can take advantage of you without your permission. If you don't have your husband's full support, then work on that - it's a marital issue, not an in-law issue.

Your husband "offered to talk to them if needed".

His sister and father are using you. I'm thinking, "needed".

Have your husband put a stop to this stuff.

Your answer: I'd love to help. Unfortunately, I am very busy with the kids this week.

I think so long as you never tell them that you are too busy with the kids, they'll think you have the time.

Just start saying 'No, that doesn't work for me'.
You can be nice about it at first.
"Sorry - I'm exhausted and I'm taking a total break from doing anything for anyone other than my kids. I'm not sure if I'll ever get back into doing it again but I'm on a break now so I'm afraid you''re going to have to find another way of getting these tasks completed.".
After that, just a simple "No" will do - it's a complete sentence.

Drop off you SIL's clothing back to her - you can give her directions to a dry cleaners that does alterations but I'm sure she can get off her behind and Google for that info if she's inclined.
Give your FIL a business card to a barbers shop.
Find another baby sitter for your kids so you don't owe your SIL any favors.
Go out to a mothers group sometimes and just not be available all the time to these people.
They are users - and cheapskates.
They are using you.
And you're letting them.
Just stop doing that.
People don't appreciate what I do until I don't do it anymore.